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/ 




OR, 


S t / 

, / ^ /> 

h 


Uncle • Ben’s • Experience 


WITH 








BY 



Benjamin Morgan, 


\ 


OF 


MouganVillc, Blank County, R. Y. 




/ 


/V 


\ v ^ . \ K 


PUBLISHED 13 "V 

SPhe Lewis Publishiiig Compaeiy, 


113 Adams St., Chicago, 111. 












COPYRIGHTED BY 

JOHN S. DRAPER, 

1887/ 




WITH THE HOPE THAT THE SAME 

HONEST SIMPLICITY THAT HAS MARKED HER GIRLHOOD 
MAY ADORN HER FUTURE LIFE, THIS WORK IS 

DEDICATED 

TO HIS DAUGHTER 

MABEL, 

BY THE AUTHOR. 


/ 


v 


PREFATORY. 


According to the custom of authors my story should be intro- 
duced to the public in some befitting manner. How best to make 
you acquainted with it, so as to save time and words, I know not, 
unless I divide you into two classes, viz : Plain, honest folks, and 
hypocrites. The first class have so often formed the acquaintance 
of the last that the experiences of Uncle Ben will no doubt call to 
your minds so many incidents of your past life, sad and joyous, 
pathetic and laughable, sublime and ridiculous, that you will be in- 
terested from first to last, and when you have finished the story, 
you will say, “I am glad 1 met Uncle Ben Morgan. I have gone 
over my past, and have brighter glimpses of the future ; l have 
drawn lessons of value from every chapter." The last class will 
discover their photographs hanging on the walls, houses, barns, 
fences, telegraph poles. Rocky Mountains’ sides, in the hotels, 
steamboats, cars, private offices, and in the churches, and they can 
also trace their course through life backward, whether with pleas- 
ure or remorse Uncle Ben leaves them to decide. With the hope 
that the reader will not only be amused, but profited by the time 
spent in “Uncle Ben’s Experience with the Hypocrites," 

I am yours truly, 

BENJAMIN MORGAN. 

P. S. — Since writing this book I have sat up nights and Mon- 
days, reading Webster’s Dictionary through, to correct the bad 
spelling. I couldn’t find a grammar big enough to do me any good, 
so I have used everybody’s everyday grammar. 


ILLUSTRATIONS TOR SHAMS. VII 


ILLUSTRATIONS FOR “SHAMS.” 


PAGE. 

Uncle Ben Frontispiece. 

“Prettier than the Honeysuckles.” n 

Uncle Ben and Clarissa in Teeters’ Store 17 

‘ I Forgot all About It.” 22 

We Saw the Light From Towzer Hill..... 24 

Dr. Dickey Extracting the Hair Pin 26 

Teeters’ Figuring How Much He Could Make on the Hogs 31 

Choir at the Huddle ' 33 

They Played all Kinds of Plays 40 

Zolliver Ramsdell and Nancy Boyles Sparking 47 

Doctor’s Office 53 

Buzzards and Carcass 55 

A “Garden Angel.” .... 57 

Reading the Essay 62 

He Kicked Poor Fido 64 

Teeters Talks Over the Hog Business in the Barn 69 

Driving the Pesky Brutes by the Tavern 71 

Elder Danberry 75 

Presiding Elder Jones 77 

1 he Collection S2 

Heads 87 

Socrates and Young America. 91 

You Forget That I Have Got Your Keys Here . . 97 

He Was Going to Fight the Professor 103 

Sizing Up the Steers 107 

The Phrenologist’s Dream 109 

Captain of the Ferry Boat 113 

Sarah Smuggins When a Girl 119 

Watching Mary and Ebenezer 121 

Kissing the Bride 126 

Bigler Starts for Chicago 131 

Letter of Condolence ... 134 

Waddles Fainted; They Doused Him With Cold Water 139 

Refusing to Go on Teeters’ Bail 141 


vni 


ILLUSTRATIONS FOR SHAMS. 


PAGE 


Excursion Train 

Arrival at Depot in Syracuse 

Buying Tickets in Syracuse 

“He Brought His Foot Down on Buzdee’s Cornfield” 

Uncle Ben Goes Up Chamber to Bed - 

“Mister, Won’t You Buy a Morning Paper?” 

“Breakfast is Now Ready in the Dining Car Forward.” 

The Old Inquisitor. ... 

The “Hand of Providence.” 

“She Acted Very Cold, Almost Frigid.” 

“Benjamin Morgan, What Are You Doing Here?” 

“I Didn’t Wait to Hitch Up T’other Gallus” 

“All Aboard.” * 

“Not a Sign of Either Pocketbook.” 

“Benjamin, What is the Matter With You?” • 

Palmer House 

“I Saw One of Those Things Dressed in Uniformity.”. 

“We Took a Big Ride for Five Cents Apiece.” 

Battle of Gettysburg : 

“While I Was Resting, Clarissa Was Reading to Me.” 

“We Will Just Follow Up This Brass Band.” 

The Tribune Reporter - 

“Abraham, Solomon and Isaac’s Combination.” 

Carter’s Private Office 

“Look LIere, You Dumb Sassy Scamp” 

“Clarissa Was Dumbfounded!” 

•‘Is It a Nigh Relative You Have Lost?” 

“I Was Just Stepping Over the Balustrade,” 

“One Run Cold, T’other Run Hot 

Carter Crossing the Desert 

“Ready and Anxious to Bore a Hole.”. 

“We Went to Mr. Lincoln’s Park.”. 

“Sometimes They’ll Shake One Finger and Sometimes Two.” 

Ebenezer Plunket 

Mary 

Clarissa’s Queen Ann Dress 

“Because It’s the Only Building I Know of in the City that Hain’t 

Got a Mortgage on It.” 

“I Hollered, ’Squire Bigler.’’ 

Wells House 

“Unless He is in the Liquor Business, Then He Cusses It.” 

Omaha with Colonel Sellers’ Addition 

The Fellow That Couldn’t L1e 

“Uncle Ben, How Are You?’’ 

“Get In Back of Me, You Golden Tempter.”. . . 

“She Wished She Could Get Up Higher.” 


05 

M7 

151 

153 

157 

x 59 

162 

1 66 
170 

174 
176 
i 7 s 
180 
i83 
188 
192 
197 
199 
201 
206 
20S 
21 1 

213 

219 

221 

223 

227 

231 

233 

237 

241 

245 

249 

25 1 

253 

257 

261 

264 

269 

271 

273 

274 

277 

2S1 

2S5 


ILLUSTRATIONS FOR SHAMS. ix 

PAGE. 

“A Dollar, If You Please.” 290 

Strange Visions 293 

Brigham Young, Jr., Tells Us Terrible Things 301 

Polygamous Mormon ", 30S 

“Holiness Unto The Lord.” 310 

Sandy Bovvers, An Uneducated Irishman t 314 

Sandy Bovvers After He Got His Wealth 315 

Doing Chores at 4 O’Clock in the Morning 31S 

The Grand Master of the Fireworks 319 

A Regular Old ’49ER 323 

San Francisco in the Evening 325 

Moses Oppenheimer 329 

“You Vas Proke Us All Up in Peezness.” 331 

Jack Rabbit 337 

The Dead Giant 339 

“A Little for Thy Stomach’s Sake.” 343 

A Street Scene in Los Angeles 347 

Greaser Plowing 356 

Scene on the A. T. & S. F. R. R . 359 

Mr. Juan Fernandez-Maracillo-Romeo-Martinezo. 363 

Head Waters of the Rio Grande 365 

Palacio Del Gobernador 373 

Blowing Out the Electric Light 375 

Sinking a Shaft for Blood 391 

Pointing Out with My Fork the Most Interesting Points 393 

“Nothing Stronger than Lemonade and Cigars.” 402 

Bigler Makes a Speech 404 

Sarah Smuggins 409 


J 


CONTENTS. 


XI 


I 

CONTENTS. 


CHAPTER I. 

PAGE. 

Uncle Ben Meets Clarissa at the Gate — His Attack of Inspiration — Clarissa’s 
Surprise — He Overcomes the Obstacles, and Writes a Book n. 

CHAPTER II. 

Planting Corn vs. Inspiration— A Visit to Jim Teeters — Teeters buys her Butter 
and Eggs — Teeters a Methodist and I a Baptist —Clarissa and I Discussing Betsy’s 
Coming Visit — Forgetfulness — Mary’s Plan . 15 

CHAPTER III. 

Sickness in the Neighborhood — Clarissa in Demand — Nancy’s Carelessness — The 
Doctor’s Timely Arrival — A Meeting in the Red Schoolhouse — Ingersoll’s Hypocritical 
Tirade — Clarissa’s Comments 25 

CHAPTER IV. 

Betsey Teeters’ Visit — Teeters as a Schemer — Clarissa on Teeters — The Quilting — 

The Dinner — Woman’s Rights Question — Clarissa Settles it — Sally Tompkins indorses 
Teeters’ Remarks — Sarah Smuggins in no Danger of being Subject 29 

CHAPTER V. 

The Quilting Party Broken Up — Mary’s Party — Mary’s Organ — Influence of Music 
— Melancthon Stevens’ Musical Tour — Bascom Bigler’s Speech — Sarah Smuggins and 
Bigler — The Party dissolved after an Announcement of a Literary Meeting at the Wad- 
dles Corners Schoolhouse — Clarissa Talks in her Sleep 39 

CHAPTER VI. 

The Waddles Corners Meeting — Speech of Timothy Brown — Organizing a Lyceum 
— Music — Debate. Question: Which is the the Most Beneficial to the People, Lawyers 
or Doctors— Decision — A Spelling Match — Elder Jonas Danberry’s Speech on the Im- 
portance of Right Spelling — Julia Spears’ Essay — Music 50 

* 

CHAPTER VII. 

Discussing the Lyceum — Disappointment of Clarissa and Benjamin — Jim and 
Betsey’s Visit — Teeters buys the Hogs — Benjamin Drives the Hogs to the Village— Teet- 


XI 1 


CONTENTS. 


ers’ Scheme Discovered — Benjamin’s loss $273.73 — Benjamin’s Meditation — Confession 
to Clarissa — Transfer of the Finances 

CHAPTER VIII. 

Methodist Meeting at the Red Schoolhouse — Elder Danberry’s Prayer — Clarissa 
on Sin — Sermon by Presiding Elder Jones — Relating their Experience — Clarissa’s Com- 
ments on the Sermon 

CHAPTER IX. 

Lecture on Phrenology at the Waddles Corners Schoolhouse — Speech of Timothy 

Brown, introducing Professor Theodocius Leviticus Feeler The Professor’s Lecture 

— Examination of Clarissa’s and Benjamin’s Heads — A Strong Contrast — Examination 
of George Waddles’ and B. B. Bigler’s Heads — A Strong Similarity — The Phrenolo- 
gist’s Dream 


CHAPTER X. 

A Visit to Jim Smuggins, the Infidel — Jim Wants to Examine Ben’s Head — 
Bens Scorching Reply — The Ferry Boat — Clarissa’s Views in Regard to Man’s 
Responsibility and Future Destiny — Benjamin Surprised and Smuggins Astonished 
— Sarah Criticises the Creator — The Storm Brewing — Clarissa and Benjamin go Home — 
Lbenezer and Mary in the Front Room — Two is Company, More is Not — How Tedious 
and Tasteless the Hours 


CHAPTER XI. 

Zolliver Ramsdell and Nancy Boyles Married — Ebenezer and Mary’s Awkward Po- 
sition at the Wedding — Bigler at the Republican Convention — Defeated — He Enters 
the Democratic is Nominated — Tom Conners nominated for Assemblyman by the Re- 
publicans against Bigler— Hot Campaign Work -The Election -Bigler Defeated— Sick 
and Disgusted Bigler decides to go West— Benjamin’s Confidence in his Wife— Ben- 
jamin on Politics Ladies Sewing Society — Mrs. Dave Kirk’s Letter of Condolence to 
Squire Bigler 


.CHAPTER XII. 

George Waddles and Jim Teeters Caught Swindling— Both in Jail— The Methodists 
meet to Discuss the Advisability of Expelling them from the Church — Disaster to the 
Church 


CHAPTER XIII. 

t Mrs ; Buzzbee’s Paper -The Advertisement— Mr. and Mrs. Morgan Decide to go to 
California— They Start — Two Days in Syracuse— Uncle Ben at the Club House — His 
Rebuke to the Mayor and Prominent Citizens 

CHAPTER XIV. 

He Attends the Temperance Meeting— He buys the Tickets 


CONTENTS. 


XIII 


CHAPTER XV. 

PAGE. 

Their hirst Night in the .Sleeping Car — They View Buffalo from the Depot in 
Twenty Minutes — Buys a Paper 155 

CHAPTER XVI. 

The First Meal in a Dining Car — Gets Acquainted with Four Elegant Gentlemen, 
Messrs. Smooth, Three. Kard and Monte 163 

* CHAPTER XVII. 

They Teach Him how to Play Cards — About to Cash a $500 Check — Timely Inter- 
ference of Clarissa — She Mends his Coat — He gets into a Crowd at the Cleveland Depot 
with his New Acquaintances — Goes into Dining Car for .Supper — When he looks for 
Money to Pay he Discovers he is Robbed of every Cent, about $1,500 — A Horrible Night 
in an Attic Berth — The Panorama — Arrival in Chicago 173 

CHAPTER XVIII. 

They take the Bus for the Palmer House — Arrival at the Great Hotel — Write their 
names on the Big Book — Take a Balloon Ride — You are still in the Palmer House — His 
Money is Saved — Clarissa his Guardian Angel — Breakfast in the Grand Dining Room — 

He Shows Clarissa the Pretty Things with his Fork — What’s the Price of hogs, Clover? — 

How did you know my Name? — She is a Dumb Good Cook Anyhow — The Clerk Directs 
Clarissa to her Friends — The News Boys on Corner of State and Monroe Streets — A 
Ride on the Cable Cars — The Home of the Friendless — Battle of Gettysburgh — Doug- 
las Monument — Hahnemann College — Ben on Glory--In Favor of Pensioning the Sol- 
diers and Their Widows — Return to Dinner 187 

CHAPTER XIX. 

After Dinner Talk — The Anarchists — The Jury — The Brass Band — Going to the 
Fat Stock Show — On the* Wrong Road — Bunions and Corns are Troublesome — Terribly 
Deceived — Relating his Experience in the Palmer House Office — Meets the Tribune Re- 
porter — Advice to the Town Tattler — Clover is a little too Dusty to Chaw — Palmer 
H ouse Lobby in the Evening — The Abraham, Solomon and Isaac’s Combination Troop 
— The Evening on the Balcony 206 

CHAPTER XX. 

Uncle Ben and Clarissa call on Mayor Harrison — His Pleasant Reception — The 
Tribune’s Notice of their Arrival in the City — The Mayor on Reporters —Their Depart- 
ure — Uncle Ben Dumped into a Peanut Cart on the Sidewalk — A Visit to the Dime 
Museum — Dante’s Inferno — The Dinner — Mrs. Langtry the Recipient of Small Bouquets 
— Clarissa receives Big Bouquets from Big Men — The Comparison — Clarissa Receives 
Several Letters of Invitation — Benjamin Receives a Letter from Kohl & Middleton 
with a View to Business — His Reply 215 

CHAPTER XXL 

They go to Mr. Harrison’s House — Interesting Talk of the Mayor — The Prosperity 
of Chicago under his Reign — A Martyr to the People — At the Theater — Uncle Ben 
Getting on to the Stage to Whip the Villain 227 


XI V 


CONTENTS. 


CHAPTER XXII. 

PAGE 

Sunday Morning in a Strange Room — He Wonders if They will care if He gets into 
that Coffin — His first Experience in a Bath-Tub — They go to the Central Music Hall to 
Hear Professor Swing — The Grand Organ — The Eloquent Sermon — The Value of 
Such Men as Professor Swing in a Community — The Mayor might be Improved by 
Listening to them Frequently — At the Mayor’s House — Another Visit from a Reporter 
— Bridget at the Door — “ I’ll Ax the Boss if the Morginses be in” — Clarissa Receives 
the Reporter in the Library and gives him a Just Rebuke — Harrison has Callers, Dan 
Wren and Van Pelt — “ Coming Events Cast their Shadows Away in Front of Them.” — 233 

CHAPTER XXIII. 

A Ride in the City — A Visit to Mr. Rosster’s — At the Opera in the Evening — 
Librettos and Spy-glasses Confuse Uncle Ben — He goes on the Board of Trade — 

I hought there was Going to be a Fight — The Game — The Shearers and the Lambs — 
Who Builds the Magnificent Buildings and Feeds the Pockets of the Rich Operators ? — 

1 he Unsophisticated Lambs — A Letter from Honest Abe — A Letter from Mary — 
Ebenezer’s Poetry 244 

CHAPTER XXIV. 

Clarissa’s Surprise at Mary’s Request — Ebenezer Touched her Soft Spot with his 
Poetry — Clarissa Sends $50 to buy Stockings with — Clarissa’s Letter — Clarissa Buys 
a new Dress Cheap — It Creates Gossip in the Dining-Room — The Hypocrites get a 
Scoring from Clarissa — Discovers a True Woman— A Visit from John Wentworth — 

His Graphic Description of the Growth of Chicago — A Trip Around the World in 
Eighty Days 255 


CHAPTER XXV. 

A Call on Mr. Harrison — He Gives Clarissa a Book — Good-Bye to Chicago — 

On Board the Cars on the C. & N. W. Ry. — Delayed at Boone by an Accident — New 
Methods of Hotel Advertising — Omaha Passengers in the Sleeper — Omaha’s Marvelous 
Boom— Colonel Sellers going to Invest Heavily— The Man that Couldn’t Lie - Arrive in 
Denver— At the St. James— Uncle Ben Receives a Fall— It was Squire Bigler— His 
Big Schemes — Uncle Ben Knew him as well as Though he had Made Him — Wasn’t Born 
under the Scheming Star 266 


CHAPTER XXVI. 

A C arriage Ride in Denver \ isits the Great Reduction Works — Gets Acquainted 
with 1 lofessor Hill King Pharo in Denver — A Good Thing for Moses that He was 
Hid Squire Bigler Takes them to see the 1 hree-eyed Richard in the Evening — Won- 
derful Chances to make a fiortune — Declines being made Rich on Short Notice — Money, 
Money, Money, the Absorbing Idea— A Trip through Clear Creek Canyon— The Idaho 
Springs Bath— Colorado is a High State -Clarissa Gets High Notions— A Visit to the 
Garden of the Gods ( larissa Engraves her Cla on the Balanced Rock and Receives a 

Sudden 1 all Ambition Ruined Surrounded by a Doctor and Medicine — Departure 
from Colorado 


CONTENTS. 


XV 


CHAPTER XXVII. 

PAGE 

Once More on the Main Line — The Skulls — The Highest Railroad Point — 
Sleeping Car Incidents — Drummers and Newspaper Man — Tall Stories — The News- 
paper man Takes the Dutch Oven — Dinner at a Station Compared with a Dining Car 
— First Railroading in America —Peter Cooper Lost the Race — They were Bound for 
Honolulu — The Sea Captain After Whales — “We was Barren of Interesting Exper- 
iences” — Ben’s Dream — Green River — 150 Miles of Railroad Stealing — Trout Dinner 
Served by the Heathen — “ Me No Savee Melican Mannee” — Arrival at Ogden 2S7 

CHAPTER XXVIII. 

Ten Days among the Mormons — Close Proximity of the Headquarters of the Saints 
to the Sulphur Works Below — Salt Lake City, the Mecca of the Saints — Interview 
with Brigham Young, Jr. — A Visit to the Tabernacle — The Z. C. M. I. Store, a marvel 
of System and Neatness — An Evening with the Irish Bishop — An Exposition of the 
true Inwardness of Mormonism — Relationship is a Riddle — Human Love 297 

CHAPTER XXIX. 

On Board the C. P. Railroad — Disposition to Exaggerate — Commercial Travelers 
Noted — It is Catching — All Classes liable to an Attack of it — A Night in Carson City — 

A Night in Virginia City — Wonderful Stories — A Dream that Hits the Case — Results 
of a Restless Night — He Ate too many Pancakes 313 

CHAPTER XXX. 

On Our Last Stretch — Truckee — Mountain Scenery — A Pleasing Change from 
Winter to Spring — Passengers in a California Train — Tower of Babel — 'The Lacking 
Ingredient, Sarah Smuggins — The Largest Ferry boat in the World — Arrival* in Oak- 
land — Crossing the Bay — The City of One Hundred Hills — They Pillow their Heads in 
the Baldwin 322 

CHAPTER XXXI. 

Awake in San Francisco — Slander in the Breakfast Room — The Important Hotel 
Clerk with Bosom Pin that is a Stunner — The Proprietor Directs Them — They Call at 
the Office of Dodgem, Skipem & Oppenheimer — Dodger Dodged Skipem skipped 
— Oppenheimer Sailed for Europe — The Jew Caught — $200 Saved — Signing a Re- 
ceipt — Return to the Baldwin — Letters from Mary and Abe — Something Wrong at 
Home — San Francisco — The Persecuted Heathen in California — Don’t waste your 
Brine for them — Advice to them as wants to Marry 3 2 ^ 

CHAPTER XXXII. 

On their Way to Los Angeles — The Big Trees — A Horse Railroad around One 


of Them- — Native Passengers on the Train — Orange Groves — Fond of Gossip — Lying 
an Essential Qualification — Arrival in Los Angeles — Sunset in California — Angels 
without Wings — The Spaniards made a Mistake — Angels Froze out — A Beauty Spot — 

St. Paul’s Advice to Timothy in Full Force for the Benefit of Hypocrites 33 $ 


XVI 


CONTENTS. 


CHAPTER XXXIII. 

PAGE. 

Departure from Los Angeles —Uncle Ben and Clarissa take a Stateroom and are re- 
garded as Millionaires by the Porter — Mistaken for Spreckles — Clarissa interviewed by 
World' s Reporter — The Sham Appearance Commands the Sham Respect of the Shams — 
Clarissa takes her Taffy — Prince Kingokangokoko and other Distinguished Passengers — 
Stuck on Antique — Mexican Farmer — Adobe 345 

CHAPTER XXXIV. 

Change of Scenery — The Oldest City in America — Santa Fe, the City of Holy 
Faith — The Plotel — Dinner — Cannibalism — Mr. Juan Fernandez Maracillo Romeo Mar- 
tinezo, Our Guide, who had Resided there 117 Years, takes them through the City — 

Fort Marcy — Bird’seye View of the Town — History of Santa Fe — Possessed of a 
Chicago Appetite — Bishop Lamy’s Garden — The Plaza Palacio-del-Gobernador — Lew 
Wallace and Ben Hur — Old San Miguel — Las Vegas — Phoenix Hotel — Clarissa’s Dream 
— “ We have Got Las Vegas and Gallinas River on our F'arm ” — Kansas City — Omaha 
Outdone — A Typical Real Estate Agent — A New Way to Sell Lots — Uncle Ben gets 
Dizzy — The Tallest Liar of the West 353 

CHAPTER XXXV. 

Arrival in St. Louis — Hands Off — At the Southern — Meeting the Mayor — They take 
j a Ride over the City with the Mayor — Shaw’s Garden — The Bridge — Uncle Ben Makes a 
-'Suggestion to the Mayor for the Benefit of St. Louis— Carter Harrison to be Consulted. 3S6 

CHAPTER XXXVI. 

Arrival in Chicago — Everything on the Move — The Tribune Reporter with his 
Gimlet Lights Down on Uncle Ben, but is Rebuffed — A Call at the Mayor’s Office — 
Surprised — 'They Call On McDonald — Harrison not Elected — The Cranks Run the 
City After the Boodlers — ( ailing on Mr. Plarrison — The Great Man’s Sorrow for 

the City — Clarissa Cries with one Eye 

CHAPTER XXXVII. 

Farewell to Chicago — At Buzzbee’s - Reformation a Dangerous Disease — Ben- 
jamin has Improved - The Trip Worth All it Costs— Pardoned by the Mayor of Syra- 
cuse— Arrival at the Village— Met by old Neighbors and a Brass Band — Escorted to 
Ebenezer’s Store— Cigars for the Crowd— Squire Bigler’s Cattle Scheme— An Hour in 
the Bank— Waddles’ Forgeries— Uncle Ben’s Note for $2,000— They Got the Drop 
on Him — Conners turn the Tables and Uncle Ben gets the Last Drop on them— The 
Old- Fashioned Home . 


400 


CHAPTER I. 





HE showers of April had cleared 
away and brought in a lovely 
May, with peace and green grass 
spread all around. The sweet 
scent of apple blows was floating 
through the air, inspiring new 
life and new ambition. 1 was 
getting tired of the hard work 
that had ever been my lot 
through life thus far. 1 had fin- 
ished the chores and was going 
into the house for breakfast, 
when 1 met Clarissa at the gate 
with a pail of fresh water she 
had just brought from the spring 
down at the foot of the hill. 
(Clarissa is my wife, and one of 
the smartest and best wives ever 


married to a ignorant but honest man.) Says she, 

“ Ben, breakfast is all ready and steaming hot.” 

As she looked up through her specs, her face as clean and 
pretty as a brand-new silver dollar, I could not help kissing her * 
right there. I don’t know what made me do it, but there was some- 
thing in the air that seemed to make me feel young and keen-like, 
and I thought Clarissa looked a heap prettier with her clean calico 
dress and white apron on than the morning-glories that were creep- 

00 


12 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


ing up beside the front door. After we had set down to breakfast, 
either the smell of the hot biscuits and fresh coffee, and the fragrant 
breeze that came in through the open window next to the orchard, 
or something else, seemed all of a sudden to inspire me, and I spoke 
up in more of a man-like manner than usual (for usually I am quite 
calm and meek-like ; so much so, that folks don’t think I know 
much), and said, 

“ Clarissa, Clarissa !” Says she, 

“What! Ben, have you got a colic?” I suppose my strange 
look caused her alarm. I replied : 

“ No, 1 haven’t got the colic, nor anything else that is catching, 
unless being a author is catching. 1 am going to surprise you.” 
Says she, 

“Are you going to buy me a new dress?” 

“Well,” says I, “that would be surprising, but that ain’t it; 
I’m going to write a book.” Clarissa dropped her cup of coffee on 
her clean table-cloth, she was so astonished, and exclaimed, 

“ Benjamin Morgan! have you gone crazy?” Says I, 

“ 1 don’t know but I have; they say when a fellow is a little off 
he will generally, and more or less frequently, turn out to be an 
author.” 

“Well, if ever I’d thought that of you! Who do you think 
will be fool enough to read your book if you write one?” she asked. 
Says I : 

“ I don’t know, but one thing I do know, that if ail the fools in 
the world will read my book, it will be read more than any other 
book that was ever printed.” 

‘ Well, Benjamin, what on earth ever made you get the idea 
into your head of writing a book?” she said, to which 1 replied, 

“ I guess I’d caught an inspiration.” Says she, 

“More likely you’ve caught a cold; this is just the kind of 
weather for that.” Says I, 

“ It s nothing of the sort ; I’m in dead earnest. I’m ofoingf to 

o u) 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


13 

write a book. [ know I haven’t got any education worth speaking 
about, but I have paid close attention to what few folks I have seen 
in this world, and I know that a good share of them seem to be one 
thing, and really are another; and I can see it just as plain as if I’d 
been born in a Yale or cradled in a Oxford. And if I can’t write 
as pretty words or spell them as correctly as some of these great 
writers, I can unmask some of the hypocrisy practiced every day 
around us, and give a hint, at least, to some of the rising generations, 
as well as to them that’s already rose, how to detect the false from 
the true ; and if I can even get, as you say, Clarissa, the fools to 
read it, 1 will be satisfied, for I shall then think that a service ren- 
dered to them as is called fools, that will enable them to see the de- 
ceitful mask of cunning and unscrupulous persons, and help them 
to avoid danger, will be of some value. So I have concluded, and 
my mind is set on it, to write a book on my experience with 
hypocrites.” 

Clarissa was silent for a few minutes, and then said : 

“ Benjamin, hadn’t you better finish planting that four-acre 
corn-field before you write your book?” 

That is just like a woman, says I to myself. Just let a man 
get an inspiring spell onto him, and think he is going to do some- 
thing for his fellow man, and perhaps raise himself onto a high 
eminence, and his wife, or some one else, will remind him of his 
duty to his family, and call his special attention to some work that 
has got to be done. 

“Yes, Clarissa,” said I, “ l know I have got to plant that corn, 
and I’ll do it to-day; but that ain’t going to stop me writing the 
book. I suppose that everybody that has wrote a book, or preached 
a sermon, or gone to Congress, has had to overcome obstacles. If 
the Almighty hasn’t given a man brains enough to overcome obsta- 
cles in order to rise in the world and accomplish some good, he 
never intended him to rise. All men wasn’t created to rise, as that plan 
would keep everything unsettled; everybody would be rising; but 


H 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


the Almighty designed it otherwise, and when he sees fit to touch a 
human soul with the finger of inspiration, and bid him tell the people 
something, he also gives him courage and power to overcome all 
obstacles, which are purposely put in his way to strengthen him. 
So, Clarissa, I’ll get around that corn-field by just planting it, and at 
the same time I’ll try to think up something.” 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


15 


CHAPTER II. 

Wj^LANTING corn in old Blank County, New York, has a tendency 
to paralyze any inspiration one may have to be an author. The 
pesky stones and old stumps drives all poetry out of a soul that 
has to plow among ’em, or plant corn and carry a hoeful of dirt two 
or three feet to cover it. A person may arise with the bright, radiant 
sun in the morning, his soul filled with love for nature, his heart 
happy and in accord with all pleasant thoughts and inspirations, and 
a determination to write something that will startle the world. But 
after he has got his planting done, and he comes to the house at sun- 
down, with scarcely strength enough to pull his feet after him, and 
then have to milk ten cows and do the rest of his chores, he will find 
his morning inspiration has taken wings and flown, and he feels more 
like saying “ Dumb it” than anything else. Most persons would 
give up the author idea ; but Uncle Ben Morgan ain’t going to give 
it up for any trifles of that kind, for he has got it on his mind to 
show up some of the mean folks in this world, and if he should fail 
to make the attempt he would be haunted by a nightmare, and that 
is the worst kind of a haunt. So I have concluded to make a note 
now and then on things I have seen in the past, or may come across 
in the future. 

I’d got that corn planting business off my mind, and took Clar- 
issa down to the village to do some trading. She is a very domestic 
body, but powerful smart. She keeps house in perfect order, and 
has time to read an awful sight besides. She hadn’t been down to 
the village for three months, and she had considerable trading to do 
and quite a lot of butter and eggs to sell. The first place we went 


i6 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BENS 


into was Jim Teeters' new grocery-store. Jim Teeters came from 
Connecticut, and was a regular Yankee. He married Betsey Coon — 
she and l used to go to school together, twenty-five years ago — but 
she went back East to live twenty years ago, and I hadn’t seen her 
since then. He opened a big grocery-store about two months ago, 
and done lots ol advertising in the Village Blade , and out on the 
fences and barns, and he was getting a big trade. 

Clarissa thought that we had better go in and try the new stored 
and 1 had quite a desire to see Betsey’s husband, and a hope 
that I might see Betsey. We had no sooner entered than a tall, lean 
fellow, with thin, sandy chin whiskers and blue eyes, and a face all 
covered with smiles, approached us as il he had known us a lifetime; 
and put his hand out in a cordial manner and shook Lands withClar^ 
issa, and then with me, and said, — 

“ This is a beautifu 1 day ; just step back and have a seat. Let 
me see, your name is — is — is — ” 

“Uncle Ben Morgan !’ shouted a little red-headed woman of 
forty, who was coming out from behind the counter, “ how do you 
do?” and the next minute the hand of Betsey Teeters was clasped 
in mine in a regular, old-fashioned shake. The cordiality with 
which Betsey met me run close onto affection. Betsey is a marvel 
in the way of a rapid talker ; I think she would take the grist-mill 
over any woman I ever met, and on this particular occasion we was 
glad to see each other, and Betsey had to ask me so many questions 
about our old schoolmates and the old neighbors, and one thing and 
another, that a whole half-hour went by before I thought a thing 
about introducing Clarissa, or she thought of introducing Teeters, 
and as I turned round 1 noticed Clarissa was looking very consider- 
ably carroty-colored; but 1 eeters was doing the smiling act in 
good style, and I remarked to Betsey that if she’d just, hold on a 
minute 1 d introduce her to the best woman in Blank Countv — my 
wife, Clarissa Morgan. 

The pause was obtained, and the introduction performed. 



UNCLE HEN AND CLARISSA IN TEETERS* STORE. 




17 





SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


1 8 

Clarissa was almost frigid at first, and seemed to feel as though I 
had used a little too much time ; but under Betsey’s warm reception 
and April shower of words, she gradually thawed down to the talk- 
ative degree. Betsey introduced me to the gentleman who met us 
at the door, as her husband. He was very polite and very friendly ; 
but I thought then that I could see policy written on his face. Bet- 
sey, no doubt, had told him about the good men and women to work 
for as customers, and she, of course, mentioned “Uncle Ben Mor- 
gan,” as it is known all over the county that he prides himself on 
paying for everything he gets, promptly. 

“Mr. Morgan,” said Mr. Teeters, “ I have heard Betsey speak 
of you more than any other man in the county, and I feel as though 
I was already acquainted with you. I was in hopes you would have 
called before this. Now I just want you and your wife to make my 
store your headquarters whenever you can come to town, and if you 
have anything to sell at any time, give me the first chance to buy it, 
and I’ll give you the biggest price for it of any one in town.” 

“Well,” I said, “we’ll give you a trial, and so long as you do 
right by us we’ll trade with you.” 

Clarissa had brought in about one hundred pounds of butter 
and eighty-two dozen eggs, and six pair of socks she had knit. 
Teeters wanted me to bring them in, and I done so. He examined 
the butter closely and said : 

“Mrs. Morgan, did you make this butter yourself?” Clarissa 
told him, — 

“Yes.” 

“ Well,” said he, “ that is the best lot of butter I have seen since 
I have been in the village; and I want to engage all the butter you 
make from now on, and Til give you one cent above the market 
price for it.” 

Clarissa is a powerful good butter maker, and she prides her- 
self on it; and this compliment of Teeters’ done just what he in- 
tended it should ; it tickled her, and made her a customer for his 
store. 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


19 


Right here let me suggest to any one who intends embarking 
on the sea of trade and traffic, it matters not what branch of mer- 
cantile business you take, if you want to build up a good trade, just 
compliment every woman that comes into your store — in some way 
or other see that she receives a compliment at your hand — either for 
her taste in the selection of goods, her knowledge of the value of 
goods, her ability to make nice things, or the extreme beauty of her 
baby, or the bright intelligence of her tow-headed young one that 
is pulling her dress and crying, “ Ma, ma, ma, I want that doll ; I 
want that rocking-horse, or I want some candy.” Be sure that you 
give her to understand that you appreciate her worth in some man- 
ner, and never speak ill of a woman under any circumstances, and 

0 

you can have all the trade you can attend to. The women control 
more of the trade than the men, every time. 

Teeters understood this thoroughly, and he made Clarissa a 
customer. She asked him how much he would pay her for the but- 
ter and eggs, and with a very sweet smile and a rubbing of his 
hands, he said : 

“ Butter, just now, is low; the New York market is glutted, 
and consequently the price has dropped to four and a half cents a 
pound; I am really only paying four cents; but your butter is so 
very nice I will give you five and a half cents.” 

Of course, Clarissa was somewhat disappointed, as she had 
never sold any butter for less than ten cents ; and when she thought 
how hard l had worked to take care of them twenty cows, and 
milking, and how awful hard she had worked, with no one to help 
her except Mary (who was only nineteen), taking care of the milk 
and churning the butter and working it over, five and a half cents 
didn’t look as if it paid to make it. But of course Mr. Teeters was 
very kind to give her a cent more for it than he give any one else, 
so she sold her butter and eggs to him, and made her purchases 
from him. After she had finished her trading Betsey invited us to 
dinner with them (they lived up over their store), and we accepted 


20 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


the invitation. Betsey had a splendid dinner, and we used all the 
spare time we had from talking, in eating. 

We found out a good many things during our dinner visit; 
for instance, and to wit, we found out the following: That Clarissa 
and I had two children, a girl and a boy. The girl we named Mary, 
nineteen years ago, after Clarissa’s mother, and the boy we named 
after our President, Abe Lincoln : and he is such an honest boy that 
we call him Honest Abe. He is fourteen, going on fifteen ; that 
they had two boys, the oldest sixteen, named Jay Gould, because J. 
Gould was Teeters’ idea of a great man. The second boy Betsey 
had named after me — Ben M. Teeters. Both the boys was at the 
dinner table, and the oldest one looked as though he could skin a 
whole church and not get caught at it ; but the other fellow didn’t 
look as if he knew enough to eat a hotel beefsteak without a receipt. 

1 told Betsey 1 thought she exhibited great knowledge of human 
nature when she named her boys, and that tickled Betsey. I just 
felt then that I wished 1 was running a drygoods store so as to get 
Betsey for a customer — I’d have her sure. 

We also found out that Teeters had joined the Methodist Church 
(although he had not belonged to any church before he moved into 
the village), and that he was one of the class-leaders; also, that 1 
was a Baptist, but not powerfully stuck on them, although I liked 
them, and that Clarissa didn’t belong to any visible church, but I 
believed then, and have since been fully convinced that she was and 
is a better Christian than any of the church members 1 was ac- 
quainted with, not excepting myself. I have weaknesses that she 
hasn’t got, notwithstanding women are considered the weaker ves- 
sels. We found out that Teeters and one of our neighbors, George 
Waddles, was well acquainted ; that George was a customer of 
Teeters’; that in fact, it was through Waddles that Teeters moved 
from Connecticut to the village. 

By this time we found it was getting late and time for us to be 
going home. Clarissa and Betsey parted the best of friends, and 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


21 


Clarissa urged them to come out and make us a visit some day next 
week, which they agreed to do. 

It was quite late when we got started for home, and we had 
got to drive twelve miles, some of the way pretty hilly, and the old 
gray mare was lame in both front feet, and had one bad hind leg, 
and I felt it would be long after dark before I got the chores done. 
We had got about half way home when Clarissa said, — 

“ Benjamin, I forgot that dress I bought for Mary, in Brown’s, 
where I traded my socks. I’m awful sorry, as Mary is expecting 
it, and she has worked so hard helping me this spring ; and she 
narrowed off the toes of all them socks, besides.” 

“ Well, Clarissa,” I said, “ why don’t you think of these things 
and take care of ’em ; it’s just like a woman, always forgetting some- 
thing or other.” After I had scolded more than I ought to, Clarissa 
spoke, in a calm mood, while her complexion showed rebuke in every 
wrinkle : 

“ Benjamin, we are all of us liable to forget something some- 
time or other, and I don’t think it is any worse for me to forget to 
put that dress in the wagon than it was for you to forget that you 
had built a fire in the kitchen stove and then set down on top of it 
to pull your boots on.” I said : 

“ I forgot all about that.” 

“Well,” she replied, “I haven’t forgot that I had to spend a 
whole day to build over them satinet breeches.” With a sort o’ 
cowed expression on my front face, I said, — 

“ Clarissa, I didn’t intend to injure your feelings.” She spoke 
quick, but firm-like, and said : 

“ Benjamin, my feelings aint spoiled a bit, and 1 didn’t mean 
anything wrong when I referred to the cook stove misunderstanding, 
although it is a tender subject to reflect upon, but I merely wish to 
show that we are all poor human creatures after all, and liable to 
forget a great many things it would be better for us to remember ; we 
are not only liable to forget some of our errands, and to do things 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE REN’S 


22 

we should not do, but we are sometimes liable to forget to appear to 
be just what we really are. Too many folks in this world that are 
not honest, either by training or by nature, lorget to appear what 
they are, and so go through the world appearing to be honest and 
upright, and trying to make others believe they are. There are lots 
of wolves that forget where they take off their clothes at night, and 
get up in the morning and put on the clothing that belongs to the 
sheep ; and they’ll wear them all day. There are farmers that will 



“i FORGOT ALL ABOUT THAT.” 


haul load after load of wood to town and sell it for so many cords, 
and forget where their measuring stick is; and there are merchants 
who forget to balance their scales. There are lawyers that forget 
that truth is unessential element in trying a case, and ministers that 
forget that the eye of the Lord is upon them when they are stealing 
their sermons as well as the eye of the critic, when they are deliver- 
ing them from the sacred desk. The office seeker forgets, after his 
election, every promise he made before it, and what is worse than all 





EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


2 3 




else, the husband and the wife too frequently forget those pledges of 
love and faithfulness and sobriety. Of all sad things in this world, the 
saddest is when memory between plighted mates for life is lost to 
the extent that not only is duty neglected, but affection chilled for- 
ever, hearts crushed and bleeding, to rise no more. The strength of 
a government rests upon the strength of its homes. Every home is 
a foundation stone upon which the superstructure rests. If the 
individual homes throughout the country fall to ruin by forgetful- 
ness, the government will surely follow ; and I have read in some 
of my books about a once flourishing republic, I believe it was 
Rome, falling to pieces from this very cause — forgetfulness ; forget- 
ting to be true, honest and square.” 

Clarissa got into one of her inspiring spells, and preached a 
better sermon on forgetfulness than Elder Chapin preaches upon 
fore-ordination. 

Savs I to Clarissa, “ It must be catching.” 

j o 

“ What must be catching?” she asked. 

“Oh,” said I, “this is the time of year for it.” 

“ The time of year for what?” she exclaimed, somewhat puzzled 
by my remark. 

“ Inspiration,” says I. 

“Oil, pshaw,” she said, “ there’s no inspiration about that; it 
is just plain, common sense, and real facts.” 

“ VV ell, then ! I have come to the conclusion that plain common 
sense is a scarcer article than uncommon sense.”* 

“ Benjamin, now I’ve asked Betsey out to see us next week, and 
she is coming. What am I to do with her ? She is such an everlasting 
talker my nervous system can’t stand it,” said Clarissa. I thought it 
over considerable while the old mare was climbing the big Towzer 
hill, from the top of which 1 could see a light in our front window, 
and I told Clarissa that l would manage it. I would take Betsey 
around the farm with me and show her the cows and pigs and 
geese, etc., and then I would take her down to see Aunt Pollie Clark 


2'4 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


who used to know her when she was a Coon ; and in that way I 
would keep her out of the house till supper was ready, and she 
could get along with her the rest of the time. By this time we had 
reached home and it was some time after dark. 

Mary and Abe had got the chores all done and had a good hot 
supper on the table. After supper Clarissa told Mary how she had 
forgot her dress, but promised to send Honest Abe after it the next 
day, and then she told her about Betsey and Jim Teeters coming 
out to visit us next week. Mary said she would fix it all right. She 



WE SAW THE LIGHT FROM TOWZER HILL. 


would go down to Giddingses and borrow their quilting frames, 
get a quilt on and invite the neighbors, and she would send a special 
invitation to Sarah Smuggins, the woman’s rights old maid, and 
Betsey would find her match. 

Mary’s project seemed to meet Clarissa’s approval, and I am 
sure it did mine, and we retired to rest 


Amid thoughts of Teeters, 
And the hum of ’skeeters 
In regular meters. 



CHAPTER III. 


ICKNESS in the neighborhood, a meeting in the schoolhouse, 
Cgl and getting ready for Betsey Teeters’ visit, has kept Clarissa 
awful busy for the past week. There isn’t a family within five 
miles of our hou£e that doesn’t expect Clarissa to help take care of 
’em, or come in and say a cheering word when they get sick, for she 
has such an even disposition, and kind and amicable ways with her, 
that she is a regular angel in a sick room. Old Mrs. Boyles was 
taken very sudden with a powerful fit of weakness in her body, and 
a terrible sharp pain in her throat. Clarissa was sent for in great 
haste, and so was Dr. Dickey. When Clarissa got there she in- 
quired all about how she was taken, and the youngest girl, Nancy, 
told her that her mother was as well as usual before supper ; that 
she eat supper with the rest of ’em, and right after supper she com- 
plained of an awful sharp pain in her throat. Nancy said she had 
made some soda biscuits for supper, as her mother was real fond of 
’em, and that she eat four or five. 

Now Clarissa begun to reason it out (and 1 want to remark 
right here, that whenever Clarissa begins to reason on anything, she 
is mighty sure to come out at the right end, for she is not only a 
powerful reader and good scholar, but she is a regular philosopher). 
She reasoned in this way : Nancy is young and pretty, and thinks 
she is prettier than she is. She is in love with a smart young man 
down to the village by the name of Zolliver Ramsdell, who pays 
her steady company. She was expecting him out to see her that 
night, and she had her hair all twisted up in papers and fastened 


2 6 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 



with invisible hairpins; and just as likely as not, and a good dez 
more so one of them hair-pins fell in to the biscuit dough when 
Nancy was working it, and 
had got into one of the bis- 
cuits that old Mrs. Boyles eat 
and it had got into the old 
lady’s windpipe. 

When the doctor came 
Clarissa suggested her theory 
to him. He acted upon her 
philosophy of the case, and 
put an instrument they called 
a speculator down her throat 
so he could examine it, and 
sure enough, there he found 
the hairpin sticking right in 
her windpipe. He took a pair 
of small toners he had in his 


pocket and pulled it out, and 
the old lady got well in a da}' 
or two alter. She feels so 
grateful that she prays for the blessing of Heaven to come down 
on to Clarissa. 

The next night after the Boyles’ disaster there was a meeting in 
the red schoolhouse. Clarissa and 1 went over to the meeting, ex- 
pecting we would hear a good sermon, although we didn’t know who 
was going to preach. As a general rule Clarissa leads in the sing- 
ing at all the meetings, as she is a good singer and very independent ; 
and she most always pitches the tune, where most of ’em can sing. 
The schoolhouse was well filled when the preacher came in. He 
was a stranger to all ol us — a powerful big man with a bald head 
and face. He was a different man from what the folks expected, 
and talked altogether different from what they supposed he would. 



DR. DICKKY EXTRACTING THE HAIRPIN. 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


27 


Clarissa said if she had knowed what stuff he was going to preach, 
she’d a never sung the first piece — “ Come, Holy Spirit, Heavenly 
Dove ; ” and she was so mad when he got through, she wouldn’t sing 
the last song. 

He j ust made all sorts of fun of Abe and Ike and Jake, and 
said they did not belong to our class of people. He said they 
was of a race called pawnbrokers, and their principal business 
was receiving stolen goods and cheating their neighbors ; that 
Moses was a regular old impostor; that he went up on top of a 
mountain and claimed that God had handed him some stone plates, 
with his law written on them, and commanded him to take them 
down and read them to his people and make them obey the law ; that 
while he was coming down the mountain he stumbled over the root 
of an old tree and fell down and broke the stone plates into a thou- 
sand pieces. Then he told the people what was written on them, 
and ever since then they called him the law-giver, and strange to say, 
thousands and thousands of people that don’t belong to that race, to 
this dav, believe that varn of old Moses. 

Then he went on to show what a lot of mistakes Moses had 
made; and he made all sorts of ridicule of the Bible, and done 
everything in his power to spoil that sweet peace of mind and 
confidence that the Christian men and women had by a simple 
faith in the Saviour and his word. And after he showed what a 
sham he was, by trying to make out that he didn’t come from any- 
thing bigger than he was himself, and that there was no God, and 
no hereafter, he made a fool of himself by repeating as his motto in 
life, The Golden Rule, as he called it, which he stole out of God’s 
own book. He wasn’t satisfied by using some of the best part of 
God’s work, but the dumb hypocrite denied the author. So he 
went on for nigh two hours, saying something to hurt some one’s 
feelings, and then, like a clown in a circus, laughed at his own 
foolishness. 

\ 

Clarissa says that he is as big a hypocrite as she ever saw, for 


SIIAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 



all the things he said that he wanted the folks to understand as his 
original ideas had been said and written by Voltaire and Tom Paine 
and others long ago, and he was parading them as his ideas. She 
said, although she didn’t believe everything about the Bible as others 
did, and while she didn’t believe the representations of Bible doc- 
trines and theories as presented by a good many well meaning min- 
isters, yet she didn’t believe it was right to say anything to destroy 
the confidence that professed Christians had in their beliefs. 

He is a sham, and I’ve got him on the list. 




EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


2 9 



CHAPTER IV. 



ARY had completed all her arrangements lor her quilting bee, 
and about half-past 10 o’clock, Friday morning, Betsey and Jim 
Teeters drove up to the front gate, and Clarissa and I went out 
to welcome them. Betsey Degun, “ Clarissa, dear me ! 1 am so glad to 
see you ; what a handsome place you’ve got here ; what a beautiful 
door-yard, and what beautiful flowers. Why, I've been telling Jim 
all the way out here how I wished he’d sell out and buy a farm, and 


get a lot of pigs and cows and hens and geese, and other cattle, and 
go to raising something, and be independent, like Ben Morgan. 
And so she went on, a regular blue streak, observing everything she 
took notice of, until we got to the house. Clarissa introduced her 
to Mary, who met her in a most cordial spirit. 

In about an hour the neighbor women began to come in, and a 
few minutes *later Sarah Smuggins arrived, with hei mouth as full 
of words as a hive is of bees. Mary introduced Betsey to the com- 
pany, and especially to Sarah, and then the fun begun. II \ on had 
gone by our house you’d a thought that a woman’s rights conven- 
tion was going on inside, or that something had broke loose. Bet- 
sey talked a perfect stream to Sarah, and Sarah just let a rivei of 
words flow back to Betsey, and neither one knew a single word the 
other had said. It was just the thing for Clarissa, who took advan- 


tage of the occasion to slip out into the kitchen, away from the 
noise, and get dinner ready, while Teeters and I took a walk ovei 
the farm. Teeters seemed to enjoy the walk, and took paiticulai 
interest in the hogs and cattle. I soon found that Jim Teeteis was 



30 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


like a singed cat — a good deal smarter than he looked, and I could see 
that he had an eye on the main chance all the time. Some day I 
believe he will make an Astor (as Clarissa calls that rich man in New 
York), for he is bound to be powerful rich, if he don’t die too soon. 
He’s got more schemes in his head than Deacon Long has got words 
in his Sunday night prayers, and he’ll make some of ’em win some 
of these days. 

One of his schemes is to go to Chicago and work a job through 
the city council to buy the whole of the Chicago River, and 
then put stone walls across it every hundred feet, and put a roof 
over it and divide it off into private bath ponds, and then rent them 
out by the season to the wealthy folks. He says there is a fortune 
in it, and he thinks he can make a cool million in five years. I never 
thought on it before, but Clarissa says she has no doubt of it, for 
she says she knows lots of folks in Chicago that would give a good 
deal to have a private bath; but she believed if Teeters could put 
some ingredient into the water that could cleanse ’em from sin, that 
he could make more than two millions in less than a year. But that 
is impossible. While she believes that Teeters is a smart man, he 
ain’t smart enough for that. There never was but one man on this 
earth that had that ingredient, and that was a Jew, and lived here 
over i, 800 years ago. He never sold it to any one, but he gave it 
to any and every one that would take it and use it. This fact seems 
incredible, for the Jews are not inclined that way; but he offered 
the ingredient free to every one that would believe in him, and use 
it as he told them. And every human being that has believed in 
him and taken his gift since then, have got themselves cleaner 
a’washin’ in his blood than they could in any other way. He was 
despised because he was a poor Nazarene, and that’s the way,” she 
says, “ that the world looks on poor people now. It don’t know 
enough, or else it don’t care, to look through their rags and see an 
honest heart that works hard to keep the wolf from the door, and 
praise its Creator; that ain’t all the while a-figuring to get a posi- 



TEETERS FIGURING 1IOW MUCH HE COULD 


MAKE OX THE HOGS 




32 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


tion in a bank and then build a big house in Canada, where there 
are no extradition treaties ; but that's a-figuring how it can get a 
pry under the front wheel of his neighbor’s wagon that has got 
down, and give it a lift out of the ditch, and secure a mansion in 
the sky.” 

So Clarissa went on moralizing, and said if Teeters didn’t get 
that ingredient, he would make a failure of all his schemes. 

1 find 1 am digressing from what I was going to say about the 
folks in the house. Just as sure as I get to thinking about some of 
Clarissa’s remarks and reasonings, I get to wandering from my sub- 
ject. So I’ll digress back again, and take Teeters from -the hog-pen 
where I left him figuring on how much he could make on sixty-one 
hogs that he guessed would weigh 240 pounds apiece by killing 
them, if he bought them at my price, three and one-fourth cents a 
pound, and go in to dinner, for Clarissa rung the bell five minutes 
ago. : ■ 

We went into the side door of the sitting-room, where Clarissa 
had the table set, and if you ever put your head beside a bee-hive, 
you never heard a bigger humming. They had got the big exten- 
sion-table and the kitchen-table hitched together, and it was loaded 
down with victuals. Nearly all the women in the neighborhood 
was there. After reconnoitering, we come to the conclusion that 
Jim Teeters and Ben Morgan was the only two male persons 
present. 

Mary managed the table affairs, and she showed her true sa- 
gacity in seating the company. She put Betsey at one end of the 
table, and Sarah Smuggins at the other end. Clarissa was put in 
the middle of one side, and Teeters and me on each side of her. 
The rest of the company was distributed among the other seats. 

Clarissa invited Mr. Teeters to ask the blessing, which was done 
in regular class-leader style. Right opposite to me sat ‘Squire 
Bigler’s wife, she that was Maria Tifft, who used to sing in the 
choir up to the Huddle before she got acquainted with young Bas- 


■ 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


33 


com B. Bigler, who had been off to college, and was powerful 
smart, and after he married her he went to farming on old man 
Tifft’s farm, and mixing in politics, and got elected to the ’Squire’s 
office. After he got elected he signed his name with three big B’s. 
She is a pretty smart kind of a woman, and tolerably well edu- 
cated. There was Sally Tomkins, Peleg Tomkins' wife, one of the 
pillows of the Baptist Church, Mehitable Green, wife of Bill Green, 
the blacksmith, and Jane Kirk, whose husband, David Kirk, is a 
worthless coot, with unsettled principles, and Mrs. Melancthon 
StCvens, whose husband teaches singin’-school, and Mrs. Jim Smug- 
gins, and Miss Lilly Doolittle, an innocent, but somewhat soft maid 



CHOIR AT THE HUDDLE. 


of uncertain age, and George Waddles' wife (Waddles is a big 
farmer, and makes a specialty of religion, and short-horns and hogs ; 
he buys and sells from 700 to 800 head of cattle every year, and 
leads in prayer-meetings down to the Methodist Church at the 
village). There was Abby Standish, the relict of the late Morton 
Standish, and also Dollesky Baker, a well-meaning but simple- 
minded woman, who was always on hand at funerals and revivals. 

The usual table talk went on, that one might expect on such an 
occasion, until Sarah Smuggins lit out on her favorite topic of 


3 


34 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


woman's rights. Now it don’t look very well in me to be writing 
about this old worn out subject, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the 
readers would pull their chestnut bells when they come to this; but 
as shams and hypocrisy is my theme, I want to show how women’s 
shams impose upon society as well as others. She declared that the 
men was all a pack of self-conceited, cold blooded and selfish things, 
and she wanted to see the time come when women would be the rulers 
of this country. If the women had to be the mothers of all man- 
kind, they certainly ought to be the ones to have the say in the 
government of them. This idea that a woman had got to crawl 
after the dictates and commands of a puffed up, conceited man, was 
abominable. 

Clarissa had been silent up to this time, but now she broke in. 
I knew well enough what was coming, for 1 haint lived with Clar- 
issa Morgan (she that was a Snodgrass) for twenty odd years and 
better without knowing her sentiments on that question, and I knew 
that Sarah Smuggins just opened a subject that she couldn’t close 
with very much satisfaction to herself. 

Clarissa said, “ Sarah Smuggins, you’re takin’ a credit to your- 
self that you haint entitled to when you claim as a reason why you 
should set in Congress and become one of the rulers of the great 
United States, that the women are the mothers of the race. If you 
was called upon this minute to show your credentials you couldn’t pro- 
duce ’em ; and as for your being so afraid of being dictated to by the 
men, everybody knows that you was running after them every chance 
you got, twenty-five or thirty years ago, and it ain’t very becoming 
for you to abuse ’em when they haven’t done anything against you. 
While there may be plenty of women that have a clear knowledge of 
the requirements and needs of the country, and a keen perception 
of the right way of doing things in the various official positions of 
government, yet, as a class, they certainly are not fitted to fill offi- 
cial positions. They should never set in Congress if the country is 
in need of any laws, for they could never agree upon any. They 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


35 


could not endure the fatigue of setting upon the judicial bench a 
lifetime. Why, it nearly kills me to set on them hard pews in the 
Baptist Church an hour. To set in the Presidential chair and 
have to be told what to do by seven other women that she 
might pick out for that purpose, there aint a woman in America 
that would stand it a month, and you know it, too, Sarah Smuggins, 
if you know anything about your sex. About all the women that 
want your idea of things is a few that have arrived at the noon- 
mark in life, or are on the shady side of the hill ; that have traveled 
life’s uneven journey single-handed, and have nursed a hatred to 
mankind, and seem to have a spite against the men in general, com- 
bined with a few that have started on the journey in double harness, 
and because they could not pull even with their mates they would 
nip at them and put their ears back, and kick and squeal, and 
act ugly (instead of being kind), and then jump out of the harness 
altogether. Now, if the first class referred to should be law-makers, 
we would have a government of spite. Of the second class, if they 
couldn’t control one man, how could they control thirty millions? 

“Now, Sarah Smuggins, I don’t believe in any such sentimental 
bosh, nor do I believe that women have no rights that men are 
bound to respect. I do know this: That women has a right that 
every man that wants to get married is bound to respect; that is the 
right, when their hand and heart is asked for in marriage, to say 
yes , or no, and that right is respected. They also have a right to 
say who shall and who shall not be admitted to their society ; to say 
whether young men who dress well and cut a swell, regardless of 
their moral principles, can enter their society to the exclusion of 
true moral worth, or not. The women of the United States carry in 
their hands the keys to society, and if they choose to lock out young 
men who are profligates, and intemperate, who hold virtue in light 
esteem, and whose principal commodity is cheek, and open the door 
to honest, virtuous, hard-working and industrious men, men whose 
morals are elevating, it is a right they have, and which all men 
observe according as it is used. 


3 6 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


“This, in my opinion, is the most important right and privilege 
that lies at the very foundation of our government ; and until the 
women of America will prize honesty above dishonesty, virtue 
above vice, sobriety above intemperance, and will make the distinc- 
tion in society so that its effects can be seen in the country, they .have 
no right to ask greater privileges. 

“Now I am contented to try my hand in government affairs at 
home, haint I, Benjamin,” said she. 

With due deliberation I replied, “Yes.” 

“And I manage to have you think just about as 1 do, don’t I, 
Benjamin?” she said. 

I replied, “ Well, Clarissa, because you always think right , I can 
truthful^ say, yes.” 

(It wouldn’t do for me to say yes, without explaining before all 
them women, for if I did, they would misconstrue my position in 
the neighborhood.) 

Clarissa continued, “ 1 stand as firm as the stone of Gibraltar on 
the right that women have to mould the thoughts, socially and polit- 
ically, of the world. They can make our country better and purer, 
just as they appreciate their grand and noble rights; and the very 
fact that the country is no better, that there is so much corruption 
in our government, is an evidence in my mind that if the women 
can’t show better results of their influence in society, they are a long 
way from being competent to fill official positions. 

“I am in favor of women’s rights — in their rights to rise up in the 
majesty of the nature their Creator give 'em, and emancipate them- 
selves from the foolish fashions and sentiments and female- dudeism 
of the age, that carries them down, and soar aloft to the high pin- 
nacle they ought to set on ; and when the}- do that they will be 
more respected by all mankind than all the rulers of the earth from 
Adam down to the present day.’ 

As soon as Clarissa had finished her remarks (which seemed to 
command the attention of every one present) Betsey Teeters said: 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


37 


“ That’s just what I believe, and I’ve thought that way a good 
many years ; but I never could express my opinions as you can, 
Clarissa Morgan ; if I could, I’d get right onto a stump, or stage, or 
wagon, or any kind of a elevating place, and make the world feel my 
eloquence.” Teeters interrupted further remarks of Betsey’s by 
saying: “ There’s a big difference between talk and eloquence. 
Some folks will talk all day, and all the time, and not say anything, 
either; while others will say a good deal in a few words, and when 
such persons talk it is generally eloquent. Now Mrs. Morgan has 
spoken a whole volume in a few words, and if some big man like 
Lord Salisbury had written a book of 500 pages, and borrowed all 
he could from Bill Shakspere and others on this same subject, and 
expressed no more thought than Clarissa has just given us, we’d all 
say, ‘That’s a powerful good book.’ I believe in giving honor to 
them it’s due to. If we find a rose in the shade of a rock giving off 
as sweet a scent as one that sits in the bay window of a palace, we 
should 'pay just as good respects to it as if it was in a palace. How- 
ever, that isn’t the way of the world. Some poet has said some- 
thing about a good many gems of serene rays being born to get -red 
in the face and throw away all their sweet scents in the airy desert, 
or words to that effect. Clarissa may be one of them gems, and she 
may not be. I believe she will some day make her sentiments known 
to the world.” “ James Ouincy Teeters,” said Betsey, “ what ails 
you ? I never heard you talk so much good sense in my life before.” 
“ Nothing ails me, Betsey,” said Jim ; “ I never had a chance before 
since you knew me, to get out so much. I’ve got lots more if I get 
the opportunity to tell it sometime.” “Well,” said Betsey, “ I don’t 
see what you mean, Jim Teeters ; I’m sure I don’t talk much.” “ I 
beg pardon, my dear, I never said you did ; but you know some 
persons that do, I presume,” replied Jim. 

Sally Tomkins spoke up and said she “felt as Mr. Teeters had 
remarked, that some folks talk a awful sight and say nothing, while 
others talk but little but say a powerful sight. And that puts me 


38 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


# 


in mind of something I read in a book about a man named Solomon, 
saying that a greenhorn was known by his much racket, but a wise 
man was troubled with the lockjaw considerably, or words that 
conveyed a similar meaning, I don’t exactly remember the phraseol- 
ogy. I’ve heard Peleg say, when I was reading from that passage 
out loud, that he knew whole families, not far from this neigh r 
hood, either, that didn’t stand in the least mite of danger of ever 
having the lockjaw,” and as she spoke she cast a sort o’ wise glance 
over the top of her gold-plated spectacles toward Sarah Smuggins. 

Whether or not Sarah caught her in this act, I don’t know; but 
Sarah spoke right up and said, — 

“Anybody that will believe what is writ in that book aint very 
strong-minded.” 

Sally asked, “ What book do you think I’ve been referring to?” 

“You’ve been readin’ that old, worn-out book, the Bible. It 
goes on to tell about God, and how He made the world, and man 
and woman, and a whole pack of lies it can’t prove ; and then it tells 
the women folks to be subject to their husbands, and such a book as 
that aint ht to have in a house,” and Sarah looked as if she had 
made a center shot. 

Clarissa remarked in her cool way, “Sarah, I don’t believe your 
folks have had a Bible in the house for fifty years ; at any rate, since 
you was born, and I don’t believe you know much about it except 
what you’ve heard your father tell. So far as it tells about wives 
being subject to their husbands, that ought not to worry you any, 
for you’ll never be called on to be subject.” 

They all laughed except Sarah, who got a swallow of hot tea 
down her windpipe which nearly choked her, and she had to be ex- 
cused from the table. 

I could plainly see that my prediction was correct — that Sarah 
had opened a subject she couldn’t close with much satisfaction to 
herself. 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


39 


CHAPTER V. 

HEN Mary went around the neighborhood to invite the 
women to the quilting, she also invited the young folks to 
come in the evening to a party. Some of the young mar- 
ried folks was invited with the rest. Of course Ebenezer Plunket 
was on the list, and I guess Mary had his name at the head, as she 
thinks immensely of him, and he pays her steady company when he 
gets a opportunity. 

After tea the quiltin’ party broke up, and Betsey and Jim ex- 
pressed themselves as wonderfully pleased with their visit, and after 
we had exchanged mutual invitations to visit one another often and 
frequent, we bade them adieu (which in French is an river). 

Again we got our chores all done up it was lamplightin’ time 
and the young folks begun to come in. Mary had got the big front 
room slicked up, and the new hanging lamp that we bought when 
we was out to Syracuse on a visit last winter, lit up ; in about a half 
hour the house was pretty well filled up. They begun to have fun 
and a good time immediately. I was glad on't, for if there is one 
thing that I enjoy more than another, it is in seeing others have a 
good time; and if they are going to have a happy time, the sooner 
they begin and the longer they keep it up the better it pleases me. 
Life is altogether too short to spend three-fourths of it under a cloud 
and one-fourth in the sunshine. I believe we ought to spend it all 
in sunshine, and if we would all be frank and honest, and not assume 
to be what we are not, and resort to all kinds of devices and schemes 
to palm off our counterfeit instead of letting ourselves go for what 



4C 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


we ere actually worth, there would be lots more of sunshine for the 
human family than what they receive. The world is full of shams, 
and one sham helps to make another sham, and the hard work too 
many folks have in keeping up the shams, causes a heavy bank of 
dark clouds to shut out the sunshine. A desire to have the world 
/think they are wealthy and doing well in the world, causes more 
people to live beyond their means, to do things they know they can- 
not afford to do, than anything else, and consequently they have a 



THEY PLAYED ALL KINDS OF PLAYS. 


sham exterior, but a dark, gloomy and cloudy interior. A nice bed- 
spread and finely embroidered pillow shams too frequently covers 
up sham bedding. “ What will society say ?” is one of the biggest 
shams of all, and keeps too many people in a chilly, unpleasant and 
unwholesome atmosphere. I want to see folks have sufficient moral 
courage to appear natural and enjoy the blessed sunshine of life ; 
and if a cloud of sorrow passes over them now and then it is but 
temporary, and joy is more keen after it passes by. 



EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


41 


They played all kinds of plays that was becomin’ to their age, 
sex and condition, and some that wasn’t. Mary’s new organ helped 
a powerful sight in entertaining the folks. Clarissa and I talked the 
matter over considerable before we concluded to buy the organ. I 
felt too poor to put $250 into a wind box when I needed a windmill 
out in the barnyard more ; but after Clarissa entered into the merits 
of the case, and said it was as much our Christian duty to do all 
that was in our power to elevate and improve our children as to go 
to church and prayer-meetin’; that she believed the Almighty 
would stuff cotton in his ears, if he had any, when folks prayed to 
him that was stingy and mean to their own children and wives and 
husbands, that he might not hear their hypocritical prayers. She 
said an organ or a piano in the house would of itself educate the 
finer qualities of the mind and heart, and would assist in blending 
the intellectual with the sentimental and would aid in unfolding and 
developing the beauty of their natures ; that pictures, musical in- 
struments, pretty decorated walls and handsomely carpeted floors, 
a nice library of well-selected books, would educate and elevate the 
dwellers in such homes more than all things else combined. Clar- 
issa is a very economical and judicious wife, and looks onto both 
sides of a dollar before she lets it go, and when it does go it gener- 
ally brings back value equivalent. She said with a firm and decided 
tone that she was in favor of buying the organ ; that cattle wasn’t 
anything but cattle and never would be in this world nor the world 
to come, that they wasn’t made in the image of their Creator, and 
they could do just as they had done in the past — go down to the 
creek to drink. But our children was the very image of our Heav- 
enly Father, for the good book says so, and if we do our duty by 
’em, and bring ’em up in the right way, they was liable to turn into 
brighter beings in the “sweet by and by,” and if that is true, as the 
Bible says it is, and they are going to sing all the time and play on 
harps, then it is our duty to do all we can to fit them so they won’t 
make horrible discords up there. (However, I don’t believe much 


42 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


in the idea of being transformed into angels, and singing and play- 
ing, etc.; but some folks seem to get that idea from the way the 
Bible is explained to them.) She said she was fully satisfied that 
$250 put into a fine Estey Organ would be the best investment I 
ever made. I like to argue pretty well, especially when 1 think I’ve 
got a good fair chance to beat; but when Clarissa takes the floor 
and ends her side of the case, I haint got much to say in general, 
and nothing in particular. On this occasion 1 hadn’t a word to offer, 
for I knew she was level, and so she and I looked into organs con- 
siderable and decided to buy an Estey. Mary said they was the 
best according to her teacher’s judgment — and right there comes in 
another sham. Somehow or other, if you ask for the unbiased judgment 
of a music teacher in regard to the quality and merits of an instru- 
ment you may wish to purchase, ninety-nine times out of one hun- 
dred, a 10-per cent, commission decides their judgment, and they 
put on a sham face and act so completely disinterested that you 
think they are honest about it when they are perfect hypocrites. 
The bigger the commission the stronger is their recommendation, 
and the real merit of the instrument cuts no figure. 

Well, we have been well pleased with our organ, but if we ha'd 
never said a word to Mary’s teacher about it we could have got it for 
$25 less than we paid. Shams are terrible mean things, but they seem a 
sight meaner when you have to pay a good price for ’em. 

Mary has learned a powerful sight of music since we give her 
the organ, and when Clarissa and I get real tired and fatigued from 
hard work, we go into the square room and I lay down on the lounge, 
while Clarissa sets in her big cane-seat rocker. Mary sets down to 
the organ, and with her sweet voice, accompanied by the harmo- 
nious wind she turns out of the organ, lulls us to repose and seems to 
waft our souls to fairer lands, and we feel completely rested ; and a 
hundred times I’ve felt that the money I put into that wind-box had 
been paid back to us in the pleasure we have received from it. Mary 
is considered the best player in ten miles of us. 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


43 


1 find I have slipped away from what 1 was going to say about 
the party, so I’ll go back to the front room at once. 

Melancthon Stevens, being the singing-school teacher, was in- 
vited to favor the company with a song, which he very promptly 
accepted upon condition that Mary would manipulate the organ, 
and she and Ebenezer Plunket assist on the chorus. 

Mary began in the same way that most young ladies do when 
asked to play, after their parents have spent a good deal of money 
on their education, “ Why, really, Mr. Stevens, you’ll have to ex- 
cuse me, I’m all out of practice.” Clarissa spoke up in a sharp tone 
and said : 

* 

“ Mary, you know better than to make a fool of yourself by such 
ridiculous excuses just because they are fashionable. You do the 
best you can, and then you will have done your duty.” 

“ Yes, mother,” said Mary, “ I just wanted to see how it would 
sound if I done as Amelia Curtis does down to the village, when- 
ever she is asked to play the piano. I will cheerfully comply with 
Mr. Stevens’ request.” 

Mary was trying the silly sham that too many girls make use of 
for the purpose of being urged. It is an innocent sham that hurts 
nobody but themselves. It is a good deal like a lace sham — very 
easily seen through. 

At it they went. Mr. Stevens was in good trim. He took a 
regular tour, commencing, “ Down by the Sad Sea Waves,” “ Where 
the Sea-gulls Moan,” then traveled over to “ Old Virginny,” and 
staid all night in “ The Old Log Cabin in the Lane,” and while 
under its protecting roof he exhibited his nature by trying to “ Steal 
away softly” with “ My Grandfather’s Clock;” but fortunately for 
the old gentleman’s heirs, “It was taller by half than the young man 
himself,” so he left it for “ Ninety years on the floor,” and concluded 
he had better make himself scarce before the folks woke up, and 
said to himself, “ I’ll Speed Away, Speed Away, on my errand of 
love” where I can “Listen to the Mocking-bird” in the “Sweet 


44 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


By and- By.” After “ Roaming over Mountains ” and crossing the 
“ Rapine Canawl,” he felt “Tired Now and Sleepy, too,” and bought 
a return ticket from a scalper in 'Frisco for “ Home, Sweet Home.” 
Ebenezer and Mary kept him company the whole trip, and 
occasionally, when a familiar strain was struck, we all got on board. 
We all seemed to enjoy Melancthon’s efforts to please us, and at the 
same time do a little advertising for himself. We concluded he 
could execute most everything he could get his hands on. 

After the music had died away, and Melancthon and Ebenezer 
and Mary had retired from the organ amid applause and perspira- 
tion, there was a lull, each one waiting for the other to speak. 

Presently, some one called for a speech from Bascom Bigler, 
who was for short called “ Square Big.” After a general and pro- 
miscuous call, frequently repeated, the young 'Squire arose and said : 
“ Ladies and Gentlemen, 1 did not know it was in order at a 
social party to have a speech.” 

Bill Green spoke up and said that this was an exception. 

“Well, then, ladies and gentlemen,” continued the ’Squire, 
“as this is an exception to the general rule, I thank you for the honor 
you have conferred upon me in calling me to the floor on this special 
occasion. I do not feel myself competent to the task thus imposed 
upon me, as I have not made a speech since I left college without 
taking time to consider the subject of the remarks 1 was to make. 
H owever, as it seems to be the unanimous desire of those present, I 
will try to say a few words. What I have already said, ladies and 
gentlemen, are prefacing remarks. Now, to what I will say : 

“ Ladies and Gentlemen, we have met on this occasion to discuss 
the great political question of the day, labor and capital — the down- 
trodden and horny-handed sons of toil on the one hand, and the 
over-fed and bloated capitalist on the other. Excuse me, ladies and 
gentlemen, I forgot ; that is part of a speech I made last fall before 
I was elected J. P., at a meeting of the Knights of Labor. 

“ Ladies and Gentlemen : The one great purpose of our lives is 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


45 


to secure the greatest amount of happiness we can at the least ex- 
pense to ourselves, and the greatest expense to somebody else. In 
order to do this we must use a great amount of policy sometimes. 
A person to be successful in this course must be very polite to every 
one, never giving an insult and never taking one, and especially must 
he be very sweet to all the children. The dirtier they are the more 
attention must they receive, for through the children he will reach 
the heart of the mother, and when he has once captured that fort- 
ress he can bombard the rest of the family with soft-soap bubbles — 
they are cheap things to use in such an attack, as the principal in- 
gredient in ’em is wind. When he has got all the families in the 
neighborhood to say, ‘ He is such a nice man,’ ‘ He is a perfect gentle- 
man,’ and the young ladies to say, ‘ He is too sweet for anything,’ 
he has succeeded in placing himself in a position where he can com- 
mand all the happiness he desires with scarcely any expense to him- 
self, but almost entirely at the expense of his many friends. If he 
wants to borrow money they are ready to lend it to him. If he has 
any big scheme on foot whereby he has nothing to lose, but every- 
thing to gain, he has but to spin out his web and make it look very 
fine and very secure, and then say, ‘ Come into my parlor,’ and they 
will just as surely walk in, as he invites ’em. So if, as I said, the ob- 
ject in life is to secure the greatest amount of happiness at the least 
expense, I have hinted to you a plan which any of you can act upon 
with sure results. 

“ Ladies and Gentlemen : Again I have forgot the occasion 

upon which we have met, and I humbly beg your pardon. This is 
a part of a speech I delivered at a society meeting when I was in 
college, known as the Phi Kappa Society ; none but gentlemen were 
members. 

“ The fact is, ladies and gentlemen, it’s rather embarrassing to 
make a speech without any previous preparation ; a fellow is so apt 
to run right into something he has said on another occasion. I will, 
however, try once more, and if possible, avoid the switches and 
keep the main track. 


46 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


“Ladies and Gentlemen: We have met upon a most solemn 

occasion. That monster, who is everywhere and by all men, in all 
nations and climes, and under all circumstances most dreaded, who 
goes through the land principally riding a pale horse, and carries a 
sickle in his right hand, has passed through our peaceful land, and 
taken from us the man most dear to our country, without whom we 
never would have been a country, as he was the father of it — George 
Washington — and our temples throb with pain and our hearts sink 
within us as the teardrops fill our eyes ” — At this point in his speech 
some one said, “ Rats ! rats !” ’Square Big says, “ Excuse me, ladies 
and gentlemen, where are they? I didn’t see ’em. 

“ Ladies and Gentlemen : Please pardon me again for such a 
fearful break. I got to thinking of my early school days, and was 
giving one of J. O. Adams’ favorite speeches on the death of our 
noble George. I will avoid further departure from what I ought 
to say. 

“ Ladies and Gentlemen : We have met in this pleasant parlor 
by special invitation of one of the fairest young ladies of this 
county, Miss Mary Morgan, to enjoy ourselves in a social capacity, 
and each one present, I have no doubt, can say with me, * I am glad 
I come.’ These social gatherings are good things to bind us to- 
gether as friends and neighbors, to cheer each other, and there is 
no place in this part of the country where we are more heartily 
welcomed than right here — right in this big, square room where 
Benjamin Morgan lost his first wife with the measles, and where he 
brought his present wife, the best woman in the State of New York, 
Clarissa Snodgrass Morgan, to be his consort through life. 

“ The hospitality of this house is known as far as they are 
known, and this evening will always be remembered as the happiest 
of my whole life.” 

“Look here, Bascom Bigler,” said Mariah, you’ve told that 
same story about being the happiest time in your life a dozen times, 
and at every place we’ve been to You told it to me when you 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


47 


courted me, and the day we was married you told it again ; and I think 
it’s pretty nigh time to quit telling such lies.” 

Clarissa said, “ Mariah, you mustn’t mind that, although I don’t 
blame you a mite for condemning deceitfulness. I believe it is the 
wickedest thing one can practice ; but he is only giving us a novel 
— pretty words to hear, but nothing but a story after all.” 



ZOLLIVER RAMSDELL AND NANCY BOYLES SPARKING. 


Yes, ’Squire Big’s speech was only a little speech, but he pur- 
sued a line of policy in it that shadowed his future course in life. 
We will see what his sham led him to, and its results. 

All the while we was being entertained with music, speeches, 
plays, etc., Nancy Boyles and Zolliver Ramsdell got into a corner be- 
hind the big, tall stove and sparked the whole evening. I guess they 
had as happy a time as any one of the party. There was one little 


48 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


black-eyed lady that cast curious glances toward the stove fre* 
quently, and that was Lily Doolittle. Poor Lily is a awful good 
little soul, and as nice as anybody can be; but somehow, everybody 
that wants to go with her she rejects, and everybody she wants to 
have accompany her, rejects her, and she is gradually, if not with 
greater speed, sliding down on the shady side of the matrimonial 
pyramid. 

Sarah Smuggins was trying to look pretty and agreeable; but 
I don’t remember of only one gentleman who had the disposition 
and courage to enter into, a conversation with her, and that was 
Bigler. After he delivered his speech she told him all the men was 
acting on his line of policy. She knew ’em, and they was all alike, 
just like bees; they’d buzz around the clover blossom till it was a 
little faded, and then fly off to some other new blossom. There was 
no dependence to be placed upon ’em. 

I overheard the ’Squire say to her, “ Miss Smuggins, that is 
perfectly natural ; when the bee has extracted all the honey from the 
flower, and begins to taste the bitter, it can’t stand it, and must leave 
for sweeter blows. There are some flowers the bees light on that 
haven’t a mite of honey in ’em, and the bees don’t dwell long 
enough to argue the case, while there are other flowers that the 
bees linger around long after they are faded, and seem loth to give 
’em up, even after the flower is dead. It ain’t very good logic for 
the bitter blossoms to condemn the bee, when one sip from its cup 
of life would be death to the bee,” and the 'Squire excused himself 
in his smiling manner, and sought the company of Clarissa. 

I noticed Sarah seemed to be in a meditating mood. Perhaps 
she may change her ideas of things yet ; stranger things than that 
have happened. 

It was time for the company to go home, and while they were 
getting on their things and passing around the good-byes, Ebenezer 
Plunket said he was requested to give notice that there would be 
literary exercises at the Waddles Corners schoolhouse next Friday 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


49 


evening-, and the new teacher, Timothy Brown, would like to have 
all come that took an interest in intellectual advancement. The ex- 
ercises would be of a promiscuous character, and the teacher de- 
signed to organize a permanent lyceum in order to promote and 
stimulate mental culture, not only among the children, but the pa- 
rents and citizens of that vicinity. The exercises would commence 
precisely at 8 o’clock. 

After the company had all gone, and peace and quiet was again 
restored, and the lights blew out, Clarissa and I went to bed. We 
got to talking about the affair to take place at the schoolhouse, and 
wondered what it would be. Clarissa said, “ I wonder if they will 
spell down? If they do, Ben, I suppose you and I will be the cham- 
pions ; for you know, you and I used to spell anything and every- 
thing down twenty years ago. Now, if they should do that, and 
we should be the last ones standing, one of us had better miss a 
word on purpose, so as not to tire them out waiting for us.” I 
agreed I’d miss a word for her benefit, and we went to sleep. 

Along' in the night I heard Clarissa talking out loud in her 
sleep, and it waked me up. She very frequently talks in her sleep, 
especially if anything is weighing on her mind. In accents that 
would wring pity from a stone, these feeling lines poured forth 
from her lips : 

“ For in my heart I felt 
If Benjamin had misspelt 
That word on which he dwelt, 

I would have won the belt.” 


4 


50- 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


CHAPTER VI. 

g LARISSA and I went down to the Waddles Corners school- 
j house, Friday evening, in pretty good season, so as to be sure 
of a seat, for, as a general rule, when there’s any doings in the 
country school-houses, they are packed full. 

We wasn’t a mite too early this time, for in less than fifteen 
minutes after we got there the house was just crowded full, and 
there was a good many that could not get in at all. 

Mr. Brown called them to order by a few taps of the bell, and 
then said in a very polite and gentlemanly manner : 

“ Ladies and Gentlemen: My purpose in calling you together 
this evening is two-fold. First, that I might become acquainted 
with you. Second, and this is the principal reason, to organize in 
your community a literary society or lyceutn, for the purpose of 
stimulating a desire for study and self-culture. An institution of 
this kind will be of incalculable benefit to the young people, and also 
to you older ones, to come together once a week and discuss ques- 
tions of more or less importance, prepare essays, deliver original 
speeches, and enliven the exercises with music ; it will serve to develop 
and strengthen the mental powers, make you more independent and 
give you something to think of during the week, and withal, furnish 
a proper amusement. 

“ I think you will all readily agree with me that it is a good thing 
for us to do. Some of you may feel a little timid at first about tak- 
ing an active part in it, for fear you can’t say things as you would 
like to, and think some one will laugh at you. Well, this is just the 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


5i 


place for us to learn how to speak freely and express our views, and 
it matters not if we do get laughed at ; it won’t hurt us a particle. 
It is always our turn next, and we can laugh at those that laugh at 
us; and by doing the best we' can after a while they won’t laugh at 
us, and we will be able to command the respect of people when we 
engage in the discussion of any question 

“ The person who educates himself to properly argue a question, 
arranges his proofs so as to have them at his command like so many 
well-drilled soldiers, can use them as he desires, and always has the 
advantage over one who has not had that training and education. 
All through life we will find plenty of occasions to use just what all 
of us can learn in a lyceum such as I desire you to enter into here, 
and keep up. 

“ Now before we proceed further I am going to put it to a vote, 
and I don’t want any one to vote ‘Yes’ unless you are willing to take 
hold and work in it. Now, all that are in favor of organizing a ly- 
ceum here, to be known as the Waddles Corners Lyceum, please 
manifest it by saying ‘ Yes. 1 

There was a tremendous response of “Yes” all over the house. 

“All that are opposed to it will say ‘No.’ ” But there was not 
a response. 

“The question being carried by a unanimous vote, I will sug- 
gest one week from to-night as the time to meet in this house and 
organize, elect officers, and adopt a constitution and by-laws. 

“Now, ladies and gentlemen, we will have a sort of a variety 
entertainment to-night. I have arranged a programme as follows : 

“First, Music. 

“Second, Debate. Question: Which is the most beneficial to 
people, the lawyers or the doctors? Limited to half an hour. 

“ Third, A spelling match, to last twenty minutes. 

“Fourth, Speech by Rev. Jonas Danberry. 

“Fifth, Essay by Miss Julia Spear, and lastly, 

“ Music.” 


52 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


It had been arranged to have Melancthon Stevens, Ebenezer 
and Mary, and Mrs. Lucas supply the music, and an organ was got 
for the occasion. 

They proceeded at once to sing and play, “ What are the Wild 
Waves Saying,” and “ Tit-willow.” The last piece Ebenezer sung 
alone. 

Mr. Brown selected as principal disputants in the debate, George 
Waddles and Tom Clark. (Tom Clark is a young man that’s been 
away to a medical school studying to be a doctor, and was at home 
on a vacation.) The question was stated as follows: Resolved , That 

lawyers are more beneficial to the people at large than doctors. 
George Waddles took the affirmative, and Tom .Clark the negative 
side. George chose ’Squire Bigler as his assistant, and Clark 
selected Ebenezer Plunket as his. I was appointed as judge. 

Waddles aint much of a speaker, but/ne done his best at it. He 
begun, and said : / 

“ Mr. Chairman, and Fellow Citizens; Lawyers is necessary to 

preserve the rights of the people. /Everybody knows we have laws, 

/ 

lots of laws; but there aint one in a hundred that knows what the 
laws be, nor what rights they have got under ’em, and they haint 
got time to study ’em, and wouldn’t know much more about ’em 
after they’d studied ’em/than before, and it is necessary that some 
one should make it their special business and be able to tell the 
people what rights they had, and what they haint, in order to keep 
’em from doing wrong and getting into trouble. Lawyers is the 
ones to do that business, and they stand as garden angels, so to speak, 
of the rights and liberties of the people. But the doctors is a reg- 
ular set of humbugs, and most of ’em is quacks. Them as aint reg- 
ular quacks go off to some school and raise Old Harry a cutting up 
all sorts of tricks, and steal some dead bodies and carry them off in 
some attic, and cut ‘em all up and find out how they are made ; and 
then they’ll get some recipes for curing some diseases, and then 
they’ll manage one way and another to get the teachers in the school 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES 


53 


to give ’em a certificate and then they’ll go out into some town or 
village, or city, and hire a room up stairs over some drugstore, or as 
nigh to it as they can, and get some bones and an old skull, and a 
lot of books and spread ’em around the room and call it an office, 
and stick out a sign and call themselves doctors. They look won- 
derful wise, and by-and-by some one gets sick and sends in a hurry 
after a doctor. The messenger runs into his office and says : 



“ ‘ Mrs. So-and-so wants you to come right out to her house quick ; 
she’s powerful sick.’ 

“ The doctor hitches up his horse and puts his bag of medicine 
in his gig and drives out at a terrible speed to the house. He goes 
in as though he owned the place ; is shown into the sick-room. He 
takes a chair very deliberately, sets down by the bedside and looks 
wonderful wise, and says to the woman, ‘Are you sick? and she 


54 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


will say, ‘Yes, doctor, I am terrible sick; can’t you do something 
for me right away, I’m in such pain.” 

“‘Let me see your tongue,’ he’ll say, ‘and let me feel your 
pulse.’ And then he'll ask her all kinds of questions ; and then 
he 11 guess what ails her, and give her a lot of medicine, and go 
back to his office and put down in his ledger, ‘ Mrs. So-and-so, 
debtor, to one visit, $ 10 / 

“ If he finds out Mrs. So-and-So is pretty well off, and has consid- 
erable influence in the community, he will use harmless medicines, 
so far as he knows about them, and manage to get out to see her at 
least once a day, as long as he thinks he can keep her along, out of 
danger and out of recovery. Every day he makes a new guess as to 
what ails her, and tries a new remedy. And so he goes along with 
her and all the rest of his patients, a’ guessing what ails ’em, and 
a’ guessing when and where he’ll get his pay. 

“ The fact is, the}’ are a lot of guessers, a’ speculating on peo- 
ple’s misfortunes. More persons that get sick and, from some cause 
or other, have to go without a doctor, get well than them that gets 
doctors. And that fact proves beyond any question of doubt that 
doctors is shams and humbugs, and is not beneficial to the people, 
while everybody knows that we couldn't live in safety and happi- 
ness twenty-four hours without lawyers; and, therefore, Mr. Judge, 
you’ll have to decide this question in favor of the affirmative.” 

George took his seat amid cheers. This was the greatest effort 
of his life, and evidently he felt that he had achieved a victory, 
before the other side was heard from. 

Young Tom Clark arose, and in a calm and pleasing manner 
said: “Honorable Judge, Ladies and Gentlemen: The gentleman 
who has been addressing you evidently is better acquainted with 
agricultural pursuits than either the legal or medical professions, 
otherwise he would never have made such erroneous statements, 
or jumped at such rash conclusions. It is a plain fact that law- 
yers, instead of being the preservers of the rights of the people, are 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


55 


the great disturbers of their rights. They make it their special busi- 
ness to counsel men to all kinds of quarrels and fusses, so they can 
charge an exorbitant fee for defending persons from a difficulty they 
have got them into by their advice. 

“ It isn’t safe nowadays for a man of property to make a will 
and die, or die without one, for, as sure as he does, a lot of lawyers 
will buzz around some of his heirs and get them to bust up the will. 
They will gather around that estate like so many hungry buzzards 



BUZZARDS AND CARCASS. 


around a carcass, and they’ll linger around it until every dollar is 
consumed, and then the poverty-stricken heirs can go to the Devil, 
for all they care. They are grand preservers of the people’s rights, 
aint they? Show me a single right that some of them have not 
trampled upon. I will admit there are a good many things a law- 
yer can do that will benefit some, once in a while, and also that 
there are some very honorable lawyers, but not many. The great 
run of them are figuring all the time how they can thrive upon the 
misfortunes and errors of others. You go to a lawyer and state 


56 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


your case to him plainly, he will turn his havvkeye on you in a min- 
ute, and, by inquiries or other means, see right down through you into 
the bottom of your pockets, and if he finds them lean and no back- 
ing visible, he will tell you that your case is a hopeless one, and will 
advise you to drop it or settle it, as the case may be; or, if he 
thought he had a good show to get the other side of the case, he 
will send you to some other poor lawyer. But, if he sees your 
pockets are full and fat with the world’s inspiration, money , right or 
wrong, it matters not to him, he will tell you that you have got a 
strong case ; that you can win, and will advise you by all means to 
push it. And so the sham will urge you to do what he knows you 
have no right to do, and then talk about being the preservers of the 
people’s rights ! Call ’em ‘ garden angels ! ’ I think I can imagine one 
of 'em flying around us now, with a large bald head and heavy, droop- 
ing eyelids, a ponderous stomach, and spoons sticking out from 
under his wings and around his neck, suspended by a white ribbon 
(the emblem of purity), a gold medal, with engraven thereon the 
monogram B. F. B. If we had one lawyer where we now have 
2,000, the people would feel comparatively happy. There wouldn’t 
be half so many fusses, and those who are wrongfully inclined 
wouldn’t feel that they had a good legal rascal to help ’em out. 

4< Our friend Waddles may be better acquainted with them in 
the future. He may find some of them, if not a good many, haven’t 
got their wings yet. He shows equal amount of ignorance in re- 
gard to the medical fraternity. That there are some quacks, I’m 
willing to admit; but a counterfeit dollar always gives evidence 
that there are genuine dollars. So, a quack doctor is a standing 
witness that there are genuine physicians. 1 have but to cite you 
to one to prove my point conclusively, namely : That the doctors 
are more beneficial to the human race than lawyers, and that is, the 
Saviour himself. He went about as the great physician, curing the 
deaf and the blind, healing the sick, cleansing the leper, and causing 
the lame to walk ; and from that day to this, all along the way, his- 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


57 


tory tells us of the millions that have been cured, or have been made 
easy, and whose lives have been prolonged by the aid of the 
physician. 

“ The class Mr. Waddles has been referring to, I think, must be 
quacks, for the thoroughly educated doctor knows what he is doing, 
and doesn’t have to guess. There is no class of people in the wide 
world whose mission is so directly to benefit the people, while they are 
indirectly benefited themselves, as the doctors. 



“ Honorable Judge, Ladies and Gentlemen, with this plain state- 
ment of the case, I am willing to leave the decision in your hands.” 
The thirty minutes allowed for the debate had already expired, 
therefore Bigler and Plunket didn’t get a opportunity to discuss the 
question, but the teacher appointed them as captains to choose 
sides for the spelling, which was to take place immediately. Ebenezer 
had the first choice, and Bigler the second. Ebenezer chose on his 
side — me, Sarah Smuggins, George Waddles, Tom Clark, Zolliver 



58 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


Ramsdell, Mary Morgan, and a lot more. Bigler had on his side — 
Clarissa, Peleg Tomkins, Mehitable Green, Abby Standish, Nancy 
Boyles, and a lot more. When all was ready, the teacher put out 
the words. The first word was Plough , a verb, and ’Squire Bigler 
spelled P-l-o-u-g-h, plow. The next was “rough," and Ebenezer 
spelled r-o-u-g-h, ruf. The next was “ cow,” and Clarissa thought 
that if ’Squire B igler was right in spelling “plow" she thought she 
would be correct in spelling it “ c-o-u-g-h, cow;" and the teacher 
bawled out — 

“ Next.” 

I don’t think I ever saw Clarissa’s face more carroty-colored in 
my life ; and she sat down with a visible surprise in her complexion. 
While Clarissa was sitting down, Ebenezer whispered to me : 

“C-o-w and I spake up loud and said — 

“Well, my opinion is that that animal ought to be spelled with 
a ‘k;’ but the way is C-O W, cow;" and for once I felt proud to 
think I had beaten Clarissa, as she always conveys the idea that I 
am honest but not very smart. 

Several words went around, till it came to my turn, when the 
teacher called out Chicago ; and I asked him if we had got that far 
from home so soon — there was such a humming and noise that I didn’t 
know but that we was on a lightning express train. 

“No, Mr. Morgan,” he said; “if you can’t spell the word, sit 
down.” 

He spoke so mighty smart it made me mad; and I said, “Any 
fool can spell that word. I spell it, s-h-e-c-a-w-g-o ;” and he yelled 
out : 

“ Next,” with a broad grin on his face; and I sat down. Peleg 
Tomkins spelled it “ C-h-i-c-a-g-o ;” and the teacher said Correct, and 
looked at me with a grin. 

It made me mad; and I said, “Didn’t I say any fool could 
spell it ; I didn’t try to spell it right ; for I wanted to see what fool 
would spell it.’’ That made Peleg hot, and he said, — 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 59 

“ If it wa’n’t for the respect I have for Clarissa Morgan I’d show 
these folks what a smart husband she had." 

Clarissa spoke up and said, “ La me, Peleg, don’t mind Benja- 
min ; that’s the way he always does when he gets in a tight place 
and don’t know how to get out. He couldn’t spell Chicago right 
more’n he could play music out of that organ and Clarissa seemed 
to glory in my downfall; and her remarks just caused a perfect up- 
roar of laughter; but I didn’t feel a mite like laughing. I was 
fighting mad ; but I concluded to keep cool and not show it. Things 
didn’t pan out just exactly as Clarissa and I had figured they would 
in case we had a spelling match; and the teacher kind o’ nettled me. 

George Waddles spelled cattle , Durham , Holstein and money all 
right ; but when they gave him the word religion he sat down ; he 
couldn’t spell it right, although the teacher gave him two chances 
on it. I concluded that a man could spell any word right that his 
whole heart is interested in ; but that he is liable to miss words that 
doesn’t so particularly interest him, but which may represent a side- 
show to his main attraction. 

Now, I couldn’t 110 more miss-spell Clarissa Snodgrass Morgan 
than I could go to heaven on the tail of a kite, for the reason that 
she is my main attraction in life and my whole heart is interested in 
her. So, in my mind, it was perfectly natural for George Waddles 
to spell these words correctlv ; but when it came to his side-show, 
the thing he uses to advertise himself as honest, so he can make a 
good haul out of the people, and especially the Methodists, religion , 
it wasn’t so familiar to him and he went down on it as quick as I did 
on Chicago. 

/ 

’Squire Bigler went down on the very next word after “ reli- 
gion,” honesty. He spelled policy all right, but honesty was too much 
for him, and he slipped down on it. 

Zolliver Ramsdell was the last man standing, and bore off the 
victor’s palm. He stood up for some time after the rest were all 
down. He spelled “ Boyles" without any visible pain, but when it 


Go 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


come to hairpin he went down quicker’n lightning. It was too 
much for him, and he wilted amid roars of laughter; and I laughed 
this time. 

The teacher asked the choir to favor us with a song — something 
familiar — and all to join in. So they sung “ America.” 

If “ America ” was never properly executed before, it certainly 
was this time. Clarissa said (and she is a remarkably good singer), 

“ If America survives she needn’t fear any foreign foe.” She 
has survived, I am happy to state, and as one of her family, I bid 
defiance to every power except the Almighty, to extinguish her. 

After peace and reason was once more regained, and the house 
had come to order, Mr. Brown introduced the Rev. Jonas Danberry, 
pastor of the Methodist Church down to the village (he was up vis- 
iting Waddles), who, he said, could give us a short speech on the 
importance of spelling. 

The Reverend D. took the platform by the teacher’s desk, and 
said : 

“ Ladies and Gentlemen, the subject of spelling is a very im- 
portant one, and one in which every one was more or less interested. 
Ahem ! ahem ! as I remarked, spelling is a very important subject. 
Ever since the spell when the Creator said, ‘Let there be light 
ever since the spell when he said, ‘ Let there be a firmament;’ ever 
since the spell when he said, ‘ Let the waters be divided and the 
dry land appear ;’ ever since the spell when he nailed the sun and 
moon and stars up against the walls of the sky ; ever since the spell 
when he made all the animals on the earth, and in the waters, and 
in the sky; ever since the spell when he made man and woman 
in his own blessed image, down to the time when Grant said, 

‘ Let us have a spell of peace,’ spelling has been of great im- 
portance. Ahem ! ahem ! Had the spell that the immortal 
Grant suggested been adopted before Satan rebelled in heaven ; 
had that spell been adopted before the Babylonians and Assyrians 
had their falling out with one another ; had Alexander the Great 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


6l 


adopted that spell before he invaded Egypt ; had that spell been 
adopted by all the rulers of the world, from its first springing into 
existence down to the present time, the world would have been 
comparatively peaceful ; and blessed be God, millions on millions 
of people would have been saved, to die a natural death. 

“ My friends, you can all see the importance of having right 
spells; but how are we to have right spells without right spelling? 

“ There are spells in every one’s life when they would give a 
great deal to know how to spell right. There are so many that 
can’t spell right that the wrong spells seem to control their actions 
through life, and when such persons come down to the spell of death, 
they tremble as they realize, when it is too late, that they have got 
a spell of powerful hot weather before them that will last through 
all eternity. 

“ Therefore, brethren and sisters, and friends and others, see to 
this very important subject of spelling, and learn to spell right, that 
you may spend the spell of eternity in heaven with the blood- 
washed throng that have spelled their titles clear to mansions in the 
skies, and gone home to glory, to sing praises to the Lamb, and 
where spelling is no more. 

“ I thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for your kind attention, 
and bid you all good-night.” 

As soon as the reverend had finished his brief spell of remarks, 
George Waddles moved a vote of thanks to the minister for his very 
able address, which was carried by a great majority, as nobody 
voted against it. Clarissa and I, however, didn’t vote for it, for we 
couldn’t see where he threw any light on correct spelling, nor did 
he even so much as touch on the shams in spelling, or explain why 
cow and plough should be spelled so different, as c-o-w for one, and 
p-l-o-u-g-h for the other, and why muff and rough and tough and 
cuff shouldn’t be spelled alike, except the first letter, and a great 
many other words spelled one way and pronounced entirely differ- 
ent. I’d like to have some one show up the shams of English 
spelling. 


62 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


The teacher announced that Miss Julia Spear would read an 
essay. Miss Spear stepped onto the platform and made a very low 
“bough,” and smiled a sort of a store smile, such as clerks behind 
the counters have when you go into the store, ready-made for the 
occasion. She had a sort of cinnamon-rose blush on her cheeks ; 
but I am inclined to think it was a sham blush, as it was permanent, 



READING THE ESSAY. 


and was a little nearer her off ear than her nigh one. She trem- 
blingly held her paper in front of her, and begun : 

“ I’ve been asked to write a essay, but I don’t know what to 
write about. I’ve thought of a good many things, but I don’t know 
what to write about any of them, so I guess I’ll write a little about 
all of them. 

“ Spring is a lovely season of the year. Everything dresses up 
in its best bib and tucker. The trees and meadows put on new 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


6 3 


robes of fashionable green, and trim themselves up with flowers. 
The posy-beds put on airs, and come out like a cheap millinery 
window in full blow. The cows change their coats and pants this sea- 
son of the year, and the girls and boys all get on new clothes and 
look fresh and green, while all nature and the rest of the folks 
smile. The church is crowded in the evening this season of the 
year with all kinds of girls, who go to show off their pretty, new 
things, and make the other girls envious of ’em, and also to get a 
beau to take them home. 

“ The dudes are unusually thick around the church doors in 
spring. They seem to know ‘when the robins nest again,’ and are 
on hand for cherries. 

“ This is a favorable season of the year for dudes to start a new 
moustache, and have a lawn-mower run over their heads, and get 
themselves up in shape, regardless; and a row of ’em at the front 
door of the church, and on the street corner, look as pretty as a 
string of fresh trout, and just about as speckled. Speaking of dudes, 
I asked Judge Seavers, of Iowa, whom I met when 1 was visiting my 
cousin, in Des Moines, last winter, what a dude was (as I had heard 
my cousin say that the city was full of them, and I didn’t know then 
what she meant, as I never was in a city before). He said they were 
substitutes for dummies used by clothing merchants in front of their 
stores; the merchants found them much cheaper than the dummies, 
as they were living, and could walk around town by the aid of a 
cane ; that when they put their dressed dummies out in front of 
their stores, they had to chain them down to keep the folks from 
carrying them off, but there wasn’t the least mite of danger of any 
one carrying off a dude, as they would have no use for ’em. Joseph 
Cook says they are physical, mental and moral shams. What awful 
things they must be ! It’s no wonder the girls fall in love with 
them, for the young and innocent girls are such sympathizing creat- 
ures that they always take pity on the poor things that others con- 
demn and despise. I remember we had a real pretty dog once. 


6 4 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BENS 


He would play around the house, and get hold of mother’s ball of 
yarn when she was knitting, and he would have lots of fun with it; 
but father tried to make him go and drive some cows out of the corn- 
field one day, and he couldn’t get him away from the door-yard, so 
he got mad and kicked him, and it just made me awful sorry for 
poor little Fido, and I went and got him in the house and rubbed 
some cream on him where father kicked him, and so I know how 
natural it is for girls to love dudes. 

“ Fashion . — Fashion is the art of doing all you can for the bene- 
fit of the drygoods dealer, the milliner and the dressmaker, regard- 



rOOR FIDO ! 


less of your own comfort, or the condition of your father’s pocket- 
book or credit. To be extremely fashionable, is to be either a fool 
or a martyr — generally the latter. Very few women have got good 
enough constitutions to be fashionable more’n ten years. At the 
end of that time they are in the hospital, or asylum, or a fashion- 
able grave. 

“ Music . — Music is a charming sensation when it is properly 
made, but if it lacks a chord, or has too many chords, it makes you 
.feel as if a drag was being hauled over you, and has a tendency to 
strain your nervous system. Young ladies are supposed to be lack- 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


65 


in g if they are not accomplished in music. Three-fourths of their 
time should be devoted to it, whether they can tell a chord from a 
clothes-pin. They are not supposed to utilize their knowledge for 
any purpose unless their folks are very poor and they are obliged 
to do something for themselves. 

“ Manners . — Manners is to know how to behave decent. When 
you go into a stranger’s house you should scrape your feet on the 
edge of the porch floor; either before or after you go in, remove 
your hat or bonnet, make a pretty bow and smile sweet, and shake 
hands with the person that greets you at the door, unless it should 
be the hired girl, at which time you are not expected to act decent. 
If you should call during house-cleaning time, and meet the lady of 
the house dressed in a faded calico dress, with a red handkerchief 
pinned around her head and some crock and dirt on her nose, you 
can treat her just as if she was the hired girl, and after you have 
found out your mistake you can take your time in studying real 
manners and sham manners. 

“Money . — Money is the most powerful lever in the world. With 
it you can do anything. You can say to yonder mountain, ‘Be ye 
cast into this valley,’ and your command will be obeyed. You can 
build railroads, tunnel rivers, speak to distant countries by lightning 
power, and erect palaces. You can control governments and manip- 
ulate the courts just as you desire, and control elections. You can 
command the attention of all the sycophants of the country. You 
can buy the average minister to pass you off as a Christian, and at 
your funeral send you into the fair kingdom. In fact, you can get 
anything you want except one thing, which money can’t possibly 
buy — it is a jewel that is more sparkling and radiant than the most 
brilliant diamond, but you can’t get it with any kind of a price. 
However, you and all of us can have it ; it is a true, honest and up- 
right CHARACTER. A true character can command money. 

“Politics . — Politics is a fine art, and one that requires a good deal 
of shrewdness and studying. It consists of a thorough knowledge 


\ 


5 


66 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


of how to bamboozle the people, or, in other and more comprehen- 
sive language, how to pull the wool over the eyes of the people so 
they can only see the outside of you. The bold outlines in this art 
is to work all the points to insure the candidate’s election. The 
deep shades and dark background is the principal work done after 
he is elected. 

“The United States has got within its borders an innumerable 
host of proficient scholars and old masters in the school of politics. 
For hypocrisy 7 and sham they excel any equal number to be found 
in the world. 

% 

“ 1 think I have wrote about as long a essay as 1 ought to for the 
first one in my life. It is all original except the last article on poli- 
tics ; that was contributed by Gen. J. B. Weaver, who once upon a 
time had his name printed on some tickets for President of the 
United States. But 1 don’t suppose any of you remember of see- 
ing any of the tickets. Pa says he is a great deal better than some 
folks think he is; but pa says the trouble is, they haint anybody 
found it out. 

“ Time . — Time is a thing most people want more of ‘especially if 
they are short on a deal,’ as Uncle John says (he i$ a dealer in grain 
in Chicago). It is like charity ; it covers all differences, all sorrows 
and disappointments, all failures in life, as well as all life’s joys, in 
oblivion. Time flies, and it is time for me to close.” 

She closed amidst tremendous applause. The exercises closed 
with music from the four musicians I mentioned in the early part of 
this chapter. Just before we was dismissed, the teacher announced 
a course of lectures to be given in this schoolhouse, commencing 
one week from next Monday night, on Phrenology, by Professor 
Theodocius Leviticus Feeler, of Boston. The first lecture would 
be free. He would like to have all come. 

Mr. B rown also announced a meeting over to the red school- 
house (which is about a mile from our house) next Wednesday night, 
at which time the presiding elder of the Methodist Church would 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


preach. 

preaching. 


There would be a prayer and conference mee 


To spend our leisure hours 
In intellectual bowers. 

And strengthen our mental powers, 
We firmly resolved, 

With the aid of Timothy Brown, 
Who came from Utica town, 

We surely could not go down 
Unless we dissolved. 


0 


K 


67 

ing after 

o 


68 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


CHAPTER VIP 

3 1 HE exercises at the schoolhouse last Friday night has been the 
jj* subject of conversation between Clarissa and me frequently, 
and especially the spelling part. Things didn’t turn out just 
as we had calculated on before we went there, and both of us was a 
little disappointed. She says, “ The more she thinks of Danberry’s 
speech, the more dumbfounded foolish it seems.” She says, “There* 
isn’t a mite of philosophy in it, for some of the best spellers in the 
world are the meanest kind of folks that ever lived, and some of the 
best folks can’t spell their own names right. I know I mean to do 
my duty all the time, and I up and spelled cow wrong; but 1 think 
my chances for heaven are just as good as his are. I believe that 
education is a good thing — and what we all ought to encourage — 
yet it haint going to make angels of us, nor take us to heaven, un- 
less it is the education of the heart. The Bible says, ‘From the abund- 
ance of the heart the mouth speaketh.’ If the heart is full of love 
and kindness and charity and patience, the mouth will talk all right, 
the hands will do all right, and the feet will carry you straight on 
the road to heaven; but if the heart is full of hypocrisy and mean- 
ness, and all kinds of cussedness, and the head full of right spelling 
and good grammar, when its owner comes down to the door of 
death, he will be very apt to realize that the atmosphere in the next 
room he is about to enter, is uncomfortably hot, if there is any 
such condition of things to await the soul in the next world, about 
which I have my serious doubts.” 

While Clarissa was thus philosophizing on Rev. Danberry’s 
remarks, some one knocked on the front door. I opened the door, 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 69 

and who was there but Jim Teeters and Betsey. We was glad to 
see them, and had them come right in and take off their things. 

Betsey said, “Jim came out to see Benjamin about his hogs, and 
she thought she’d come along for a ride, and have a little visit with 
Mrs. Morgan while the men talked business.” 

Teeters and I went out to the barn and put his horse out and 
fed it. Then Teeters says to me : 



TEETERS TALKS OVER THE HOG BUSINESS IN THE BARN- 


“ Mr. Morgan, I thought I’d come out and see if you still 
wanted to sell your hogs.” 

I told him “that was what I raised them for, and I intended to 
sell ’em, but I hadn’t been down to the village since Clarissa and I 
was at his house to dinner, and so I hadn’t sold ’em.” 

“ Well,” says he, “ do you still want three and a quarter cents 
for ’em?” 

I said, “ Yes.” 

“ Says he, “Let’s go out and look ’em over.” 

After looking them over pretty carefully he said, “ I am going 


7 o 


SHAMS; OK, UNCLE BEN’S 


to load a couple of cars to-morrow night to ship to Albany, and if 
you’ll drive ’em down to the village to-morrow so as to get there 
before four o’clock in the afternoon I’ll take ’em at your price and 
give you the cash for ’em as soon as they are weighed.” 

I told him I’d try to get there by that time, that I’d start early 
in the morning with ’em. He gave me sixty-one dollars to bind 
the bargain. And then we went into the house. Dinner was ready. 
We had a good visit and talked over neighborhood and village 
affairs, and Betsey was as chipper as ever. 

After they went home, Clarissa asked me if I’d sold the hogs to 
Teeters. 

1 told her l had. 

How much for, she wanted to know. 

I told her just what I asked him when they were out here be- 
fore, three and a quarter cents a pound. 

“Well,” said Clarissa. “If Jim Teeters isn’t a sharp one I’ll 
miss my guess ; he haint driv out here for nothing, and when you get 
down to the village with the hogs, 1 wouldn’t be surprised if they 
wasn’t worth a great deal more, and he has figured it out that you 
haint very sharp (which is too true, Ben), and probably didn’t know 
what hogs was worth, and he’d make a good speck out of you.” 

The next morning I and Abe and the hired man started down 
with the hogs; we got into the village about three o’clock P. M. 
As we was turning the corner at the top of the hill going down into 
the village we met Teeters, who came to help us get ’em through 
the town to the railroad depot. We had a pesky time getting the 
contrary brutes past Totman’s old tavern. (It is hard work getting 
a hog by a tavern, anyhow.) 

Before I got to the depot three different men came up to me 
and said: “Hello there, have you sold them ar hogs?” I told 
them yes. 

“ How much did you git?” they asked. 

“ How much will you give?” said I. Each one of ’em told me 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


7 I 


they’d give me five cents a pound. Then I found out Jim Teeters’ 
scheme. My hogs weighed just 15,616 pounds, and Teeters paid 
me for them just $507.52, and they was worth at the regular market 
value $780.80. I lost $273.28 by Teeters’ base hypocrisy. 1 had 
made a bargain with Teeters, and 1 wouldn’t back out for two 
reasons: one was, I couldn’t if I wanted to, and tother was, I 
was honest, and always mean to be as long as I can. I hate the aw- 



DRIVING THE PESKY BRUTES BY THE TAVERN. 


fullest kind to be swindled and robbed by a condemned hypocrite, 
but come to think it over, I don't see how 1 could be swindled by 
any body else. 

On my way home 1 meditated considerable, and was uneasy in 
my mind. I thought of that passage in the Bible where it says: 
“Unto them that knows something shall be given something more, 
and from them that knows nothing shall be taken what little bit they do 
know and given to them that knows something,” or words that give 





72 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BENS 


the reader to understand that that is the intention of the Almighty 
in his law to the human family. I felt that the law was unjust, but 
nevertheless inevitable, and I had — not for the first time in my life 
either, but about the hundredth time — obeyed the law. I didn’t 
know scarcely anything, and Jim Teeters was mighty smart and 
knowing, and what really belonged to me, $273.78 worth, had been 
transferred from me to him. I felt that I was every day losing what 
little sense I had, and now I was losing my money, too. 

I didn’t want to tell Clarissa one mite, for I knew she'd show 
me what a fool I was getting to be every day, and then I hated to be 
taken the advantage of by one we had used so well, on such a short 
acquaintance. 

When I got home Clarissa asked me how I got along with the 
hogs. I just told her all about it, and give her every cent I got for 
’em. I told her I was such a dumb fool that it wasn't safe for me to 
have the money, for I was liable to lose it any minute, and I knew it 
was safe in her hands. 

Clarissa saw my dejected look, and she was real sorry for me. 
She spoke in a tender and soothing manner, and said : 

“ Benjamin, I’m awful sorry, for I know how hard you’ve worked 
a-raising them hogs, but I hain’t a-goin’ to blame you, for I know 
you are a honest and well-meanin’ man, and you are a good husband 
to me, but I think Jim Teeters would do anything that’s mean, if he 
could make anything by it, and I knew well enough he had some 
scheme to cheat you when he come up here yesterday. Now, if 
you’ll let me make the bargains for you hereafter, I believe we'll 
make more money. ” 

I fully agreed with her, and have turned the financial part of 
our business over to her, and have once more obeyed that inevita- 
ble law. I think I will be much happier in the future, to have the 
care of getting swindled off my mind. I am more’n ever persuaded 
to believe that Clarissa is a true philosopher, and when she said 
“Jim Teeters, with all his smartness, hadn't got that necessary in- 
gredient to wash his soul from sin, " she spoke the truth. 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


73 


Of all men that are mean — the meanest is the one that will steal 
from you under the clothes of friendship. I will drop Teeters for 
the present, but will, no doubt, pick him up again somewhere in the 
future. 


7 4 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


CHAPTER VIII. 

EDNESDAY night I hitched up the old mare and took 
Clarissa over to the red schoolhouse to meeting. Mary got 
a chance to ride with Ebenezer Plunket. We was in time 
to get a good seat pretty well up in front. The house was packed 
full again tHe Presiding Elder came ; Elder Danberry and Geo 
Waddles came along with him. 

Elder Danberry give out the hymn : “ Come thou fount of every 
blessing.” Clarissa haint a Methodist, but they all expected her to 
start the tune. She did it, and it sounded real good, for you could 
hear her voice above all the other women, and she has got a power- 
ful sweet voice, when it’s in tune. She took along a pocketful of 
peppermint drops to keep it tuned up to concert pitch and make 
her breath smell sweet. 

After the singing was done and Father Emmons over in the 
corner had rubbed his hands and groaned and shouted: “Amen! 
blessed fountain ! ” Elder Danberry prayed. 

Now I don't believe in making light of religion, for to me when 
it is properly understood, it is the most important subject that can 
interest the human soul, but I don’t believe because a man professes 
to be very religious, and has the clothes of a minister onto him, that 
he should presume so much upon a very limited acquaintance with 
the Almighty as to ask Him, as Elder Danberry did in his prayer, 
to come right down that minute, bust a hole right through the roof 
of this house and come right in here and take every sinner here by 



EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


75 


the hair of their heads and convince ’em of sin and wickedness, and 
make ’em be born again. And a whole lot more stuff that I think 
woiild look very foolish to the Lord. In the first, place I don’t think 
the Lord goes around this world, bustin’ holes in the roofs of houses 
because some ignoramus asks Him to, however earnest the ignoramus 
may be. In the second place I don’t believe the Lord has to take sinners 



or any one else by the hair of their heads and rattle ’em up in order 
to convince them of sin. In the third place I don’t believe the Lord 
has anything to do with convincing people of sin in any sudden and 
startlin’ manner. If I have lied about anything to anybody, or been 
dishonest or mean, low and wicked, 1 know it before anybody else 
does, and the Lord haint got to tell me of it in order for me to find 
it out. If I have fallen from virtue and put a dark stain upon my 
life, I am the very first person that will be aware of the fact. And 


;6 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


if I want to be forgiven, I must go to them that I have sinned 
against for forgiveness. I must go to them and not expect them to 
come to me. Every sin that a man commits is against the divine 
law of God, therefore, if we want full pardon, we must go to Him 
and ask it, and the good book says it will be freely granted. 

Elder Danberry in his prayer wanted the Lord to do all the 
hard and dirty work of running around to all the mean, low and 
degraded cusses in the country and gather them up in His tender 
arms and hug 'em. He wasn’t even satisfied with that request, but 
presumed the Lord didn’t know how to do His work. He went on 
telling Him how to do it, and advised Him to destroy property in 
order to get inside of that schoolhouse. 

\ 

Now that may be the kind of religion the Lord taught while on 
earth. If it is I can’t read the Bible straight. 

I believe that kind of stuff comes nearer blasphemy than any- 
thing else ; greater reverence for the Almighty is manifested by the 
poor Hindoo widow that ^asts herself upon the funeral fire of her 
dead husband, than is shown in such impudent dictations to Him in 
the prayers of those who even make praying part of their regular 
business for a living. 

Clarissa said, when she heard me criticising Danberry ’s prayer, 
that I was too severe ; that the minister used them expressions in his 
prayer paregorically. 

“ Vefy well," I replied, “ too much paregoric will kill the pa- 
tient, or even the oldest inhabitant, and too much of this ministerial 
shamming on the part of honest ignoramuses or cunning hypocrites 
would kill their work.” 

I started to tell you about this meeting, and here I’ve been 
chasing off after one of them ideas that comes up in front of me 
once in a while. 

After Elder Danberry was through praying he said, “ Brethren 
and sisters, our Presiding Elder, Brother Jones, will preach to you 
this evening, and after the sermon we will take up a collection to 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


77 


help pay the brother his quarterly dues. Remember, ‘ the Lord 
loveth a cheerful giver.’ ‘ Cast thy bread upon the waters, and 
after many days it shall return to thee.’ ” 

Elder Jones is a portly old gentleman with silver hair and long 
gray beard that mark well into threescore and ten years. He has a 
brindle complexion and a very important air onto him. He rose up 
with the majesty of a city mayor, and after carefully looking the 
audience over, said: 



PRESIDING ELDER JONES. 

“ Ahem ! Ahem ! My brothers and sisters, you’ll find the 
words of my text recorded in the blessed good book that was given 
to that we might know the way of life and salvation. \ es, 
blessed be the Lord, you’ll find my text in the holy writ. \ es, praise 
his name, you'll find my text in the word of the Almighty, glory be 
to his great name. You’ll find the words of my text in the Bible, 
‘ book divine ; precious treasure, thou art mine.’ And when you 
find ’em they’ll read in this wise: ‘ As in Adam all die, even so in 
Christ shall all be made alive.’ ” 

“ Amen ! Amen ! ” is shouted by Father Emmons in the corner. 




SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


“ These, brethren and sisters, are the words of the Apostle Paul, 
spoken unto the Corinthians, and they are spoken unto us also, and 
we should take heed unto them lest at any time we should let ’em 
slip. 

“We are here taught that the first man was Adam. Yes, my 
brethren and sisters, the first man was Adam — the very first man the 
Almighty created was Adam. Let us remember that important 
fact. His name wasn’t Charlie, nor John, nor Timothy, nor Teeters, 
nor Grover, nor James, nor Peleg, nor Ebenezer, nor even Benja- 
min, nor a thousand other names that I might mention did time per- 
mit, but it was Adam — plain, simple Adam. Why the Almighty 
called him Adam is a mystery he hasn’t seen fit to tell us, and bless- 
ed be God, he don’t have to tell us his reasons for doing things as 
he is a-mind to; he simply gives us the plain facts, and it’s none of 
our business why he does this or that. 

“ The book says he called him, Adam and the good book don’t 
mention any other man. that the Creator made, and it is to be in- 
ferred by that, that we are all the sons and daughters of Adam, 
born in the regular way. 

“ Now, it says, Adam died, and I believe it ” — again from the cor- 
ner, comes the shout — “Amen!” “ If Adam hasn’t died, let some of 
the world’s smart infidels show him up — yes, show him up, — he 
would be the greatest curiosity ever known. They can't do it, for 
he is dead ; yes, blessed be God, he is dead as a door-nail, and the 
fact that Adam is dead, establishes beyond dispute that the Bible 
is true. 

“ In the fourth place, the text says : ‘ As in Adam all die ;’ the in- 
ference is very plain and unmistakable, that we are all, from Adam’s 
time down to this present moment, dead or dying . It doesn’t mean 
that all men died when Adam died ; that wouldn't be possible, for 
the facts stare us in the face, that there are millions and millions of 
men and women alive now, but it means that the seeds of death was 
planted in our nature. Yes, blessed be the Lamb that taketh 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


79 


away the sins of the world. By the death of Adam it was, accord- 
ing to an all-wise and divine purpose, made possible for ail men 
to die ; not only possible, but probable that all men would die ; and 
not only probable, brethren and sisters, but a dead sure thing that 
they’d got to die, every one of ’em, and that includes us, saints and 
sinners alike. God proves by this very act that he has the upper 
hand of us, and it wont do us any good to kick — we've got to die. 
And oh, my brethren and sisters, what a awful thing it is to die. 
Just think of it ; to lay down dead, some time very unexpectedly ; 
and how necessary it is for us to be prepared when our turn comes, 
so we can die in peace. I beseech of you to make preparation for 
that time, for you don’t know what will become of you after that 
terrible event. Where Adam went to, we know not, for history 
don’t give us any light upon his whereabouts after he passed over 
that dark and dismal river we have all got to cross, and some of us, 
very soon. 

“ Now brethren and sisters, we come to. the second part of our 
discourse, viz., ‘ Even so in Christ shall all be made alive.’ Yes, 
glory be unto him, he will bring every one of us to life again. Then 
we will know where Adam is, we will know where all our relations 
are, and it will undoubtedly be a lively time for some of us to get 
around and see our friends before court sets, for we are informed 
that court will set very soon after, and this same Christ is going to 
be the judge, and he will then settle with every one of us; and if 
we haint made our peace with him and got our names registered in 
the book of life we’ll be sorry. Yes, you young sinner that’s a set- 
tin’ in that back seat a pinchin’ that girl to make her laugh in this 
meetin’, if you don’t repent and get your name on that book, the 
Devil will give you a pinchin’ that will last you through eternity. 
And you young woman that’s been a gigglin’ at everything that’s 
been said here, and that spends your time a dancin’ and playin' 
cards, and scoffin’ at religion, if you don’t make your peace with 
the Lord and see that your title is clear in that book of life, you’ll 


8o 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


find yourself a dancin’ on the Devil’s fire. You’ll be playin’ a game 
and not hold a trump in your hands; the Devil will hold all the 
trumps and big suit cards, and you wont be able to take a single 
trick ; then the scoffin’ will be on the other side. 

“ I want to say to all unconverted persons in this house, pause, 
and think what you’re doing, and do not longer persist in your sin- 
ful course, but come to Christ and believe on him. And while we 
sing the familiar hymn, ‘We’re going home to die no more,’ come 
right forward to these front seats. Come now, brethren, sing.” 

“ Amen !” shouts Father Emmons — and all begin to sing. 

Elder Jones was pressing the invitation. The shouts from the 
corner and singing was simultaneous. Some went forward. 

After the singing there was a general season of prayer, three 
or four praying at a time, while the Elder was talking to the sinners 
that went forward. 

There are not many persons that could remain long under the 
cross-fire of two ministers and a half dozen others, without confess- 
ing they was the biggest sinners on earth. David Kirk, one of 
them that went forward, confessed that he was a dreadful sinner, 
and wanted 'em to pray for him. We all knew he was just what he 
confessed to be, and we haint much confidence in his conversion, 
for he does that same thing at every revival at the schoolhouse, and 
in less than a month after the meetings are over, he is just as mean 
and low as ever. 

Clarissa says, “The only way Dave Kirk can be properly con- 
verted, so he will stay so, is for the Lord to knock all of his brains 
out of his head and put some new ones in, for them old brains of 
his is a bad lot, and they can’t be worked over worth a cent. Where 
you haint got any true metal to work on, nothing but the basest 
kind of metal, the work aint going to last very long. It will break 
down mighty soon.” 

I believe she is about right. It is all well enough for a person 
that’s got a good head on him to be born again, and the right thing 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


8 1 


too, so far as the heart is concerned, but a person that naturally has 
got a mean, dishonest head onto his shoulders, may be born over 
and over again, a hundred times or more, and it won’t make him a 
bit better, for with him his meanness is like the small-pox, sure to 
break out. 

After prayers was offered a good many told their experience. 
Old Mrs. Smith said, “ It's nigh onto forty years since I found the 
Lord precious to my soul, and I've been trying in my weak way to 
follow in his footsteps ever since;” and the tears begun to fall, and 
her nose run like rain, so she had to use her big calico handkerchief 
while she continued : “ And brethren and sisteren, I want you to 
forgive all my shortcomings, and don’t let ’em be as stumbling 
blocks in your way, for I shall soon pass away ah ! from these mor- 
tal scenes, ah !” 

“ Amen, bless God for that,” shouted Father Emmons, and 

* 

Elder Jones groaned out: 

“Yes, dear Lord.” 

“Once, ah! I was a dreadful sinner, ah!” 

And Elder Danberry said : 

“Ble ss God for that.” 

“And I got no peace in my heart until 1 surrendered and give 
myself to God — and ever since then I have been as peaceful as a 
lamb, ah !” 

As soon as the old lady set down, old Uncle Nat Baker arose, 
lie was never looked upon as being very bright ; he is very tall and 
has a small head, and from the end of his long, sharp nose to the 
back upper corner of his head, it is a straight line. And his chin 
tapers back to his throat in a corresponding manner. The old man 
has helped his good, honest wife in raising quite a family, six boys 
and seven girls. One of the boys who has always been called Bub, 
is quite a tinker ; he has put up a little shop near the schoolhouse, 
and got some tools for mending boots and shoes, and wagons, and 
sleds, and plows and such things, and he has got a little hand cider 




6 


82 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


press, in all worth, I should think, about seventy-five dollars. As 
the old gentleman rose, he said : 

“I bless God for this glorious religion that happifies the soul. 
It's the pearl of great price. It’s worth more’n all other pearls in 
the world, and you can have it if you want it, without money and 
without price. Oh, sinner, come and secure this pearl of great 


THE COI. LECTION. 


price, now, before it is too late. You’ll have to make haste to get 
it, or it will be forever gone.” 

“Yes, praise the Lord," remarked Elder Danberry. 

Immediately after the old man sat down, his daughter, Dol- 
Iesky Baker, got up and said : 

“My young friends, I’m glad I’ve come. I feel it’s good for my 
soul to be here, and I thank father that he ever showed me how to 



EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


83 


secure this pearl of great price, and l devise you to come and get 
it now ; it’s worth more’n everything else in the world. It’s worth 
more’n all of Bub’s machinery. Pray for me that I may hold on 
to it.” 

After Dollesky was seated they took up a collection. Clarissa 
always believes in giving to a good cause, and she put in fifty cents. 
I put in twenty cents and George Waddles, who sat right in front 
of me put in a copper, while the old man Baker who set right next 
to me, left his pocketbook at home, so he didn’t give a cent, although 
he had the pearl of great price. After they got through and counted 
up all the money they got, Elder Danberry arose and said : 

“Brethren and sisters, 1 am somewhat disappointed in the 
amount of the collection. I expected we would raise at least ten 
dollars, but I find on carefully counting it over the second time that 
there is just one dollar and thirty-nine cents, and that is about one- 
half a cent a head for those present. Now, brethren, supposing that 
the pearl of great price that has been referred to by Brother Baker, 
was to be sold for money, how much of a chance do you think any 
of you would stand in getting it? Why, brethren and sisters, if 
this collection would be a proper indication of the bid you’d make 
for it, about as near as you’d come of getting it, would be to catch 
one glimpse of its brightness as the light of God’s holy countenance 
would flash upon it, and then it would be forever out of your sight. 
But, thanks to our all wise and good God, this pearl was sold to 
mankind for a costly price, and we can freely have it if we will 
only take it. 

“I think when we consider the wonderful price paid for this 
precious pearl, that it is a mean man or woman that won’t give 
more’n one cent to support those whose business it is to carry this 
costly pearl around on a platter to each and every one, and persuade 
you to take it and wear it on your bosoms so it will shine and give 
light to others to see how to walk, for without a light men are con- 
stantly stepping into the mud and mire holes in this world.” 


84 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


“Amen ! Amen ! Thank God for that,” comes from the corner. 

“And. now Brother Jones who devotes his whole life to this 
blessed cause, comes here once in three months and he only gets 
one dollar and thirty-nine cents. Well, we are thankful for that much, 
and hope God will cause the light of his countenance to shine upon 
you, and make you more liberal to his cause. We will close by 
singing the Doxology.” 

While we was driving home Clarissa said : “Benjamin, what do 
you think of the sermon?’ 

I told her I didn’t think much of it, and asked her opinion of it. 
She replied : 

“ l think his philosophy is powerful weak. He took one of the 
most beautiful texts in the whole Bible, and made it appear as if 
Paul, who wrote those beautiful words, was a idiot. If Elder 
Jones had just quoted the text and stopped right there, he would 
have given us something more comforting and more sublime to 
think of than what he said. Why, Benjamin, now just think for a 
moment what this text means, ‘As in Adam all die.’ The meaning of 
Adam is earth-born, or earthly. The Bible tells us that the first man 
was of the earth, earthy, but the second man was the Lord Jesus 
Christ, or the heavenly. Now, the first man called Adam, was the 
earth man, which is the human body, made of material in common 
with the earth, and destined to return again to its original condition, 
to the elements from which it is composed. The second man is the 
spirit that dwells in these earthly bodies and animates them. The 
first man, Adam, must die, must dissolve and return to earth, in the 
very nature of things. While the second, the Spirit which is from 
God, must, by the same natural law return to its author, God, and 
must live as long as he lives, which is forever. So the meaning Paul 
intended to convey is, as the human race must taste death by the 
destruction of their bodies, they will also by the same law, in 
spirit live forever, and being free from this earth body, will the 
more rapidly develop into what the Creator chooses to have usT 




EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


85 


“That glorious old man, Paul, put that text right into that good 
book on purpose to settle any and all disputes in regard to the 
resurrection.” 

She then asked me what I thought of Elder Danberry's re- 
marks. 

I told her I thought he was about like the average of ’em ; he 
measures a man’s chances for heaven by the amount of money he 
gives, and said I : “Clarissa, you and I are all right, according to hfs 
idea, for we give seventy cents of the one dollar and thirty-nine 
cents, and that gives the balance of the scales in our favor. And 
probably according to his views, we would be the only two in the 
audience that are on the road to brighter skies.” 

I wonder where George Waddles will go with his copper, or if 
old man Baker will lose his pearl of great price after all by constitu- 
tionally leaving his pocketbook at home. 

Clarissa said: “Well, Benjamin, this world is made up of strange 
incongruities. It takes all kind of folks to make people, and of 
course they will have various notions about things. If they are 
only honest in it, it is all right so far as I'm concerned, but I can't 
bear hypocrisy.” 

Oh, priceless pearl that’s freely given 
To us to wear from earth to heaven, 

Guide us on earth to do our part, 

With a warm and cheerful heart. 


i 


* 


4 


86 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


CHAPTER IX. 

F RIDAY evening Clarissa and I took an early start for the Wad- 
dles Corners school house, so as to make sure of a seat. We 
knew the house would be crowded, for a free lecture in a coun- 
try schoolhouse, on any subject, will draw a full house every time, 
and especially a lecture on Phrenology would surely pack the house. 
There is something about that subject — it makes no odds how old 
and threadbare it is — that will attract most people. There is some- 
thing in the nature of men and women that they like to hear some- 
thing said about heads and bumps, that they know is true, and es- 
pecially about their neighbors — and about themselves if it can be 
done privately. 

We was in time to secure a good seat ; we wasn’t a mite too 
soon, for in less than ten minutes there wasn’t standing room left in 
the house. 

The room was well lighted with about thirty lamps. The walls 
were covered with pictures of men and women noted for their great 
ability as authors, or statesmen, or generals, or inventors, or men of 
great wealth or of great kindness and benevolence, or stinginess, 
or great idiots, and also some heads of animals. It was a regular 
panorama of heads, and was very interesting to look at. 

The remarks of our simple country people about the pictures, 
before the Professor came in, was highly instructive. For instance, 
old Jim Smuggins pointed his finger up to John the Baptist and said 
to his wife and Sarah : 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


87 


“That’s George Washington.” 

Sarah said : “Well, 1 can’t see what made 
such a smart man as he was part his hair in the 
middle.” 

Another person, pointing his huger at a 
picture, said, “Say, Tom, haint that a bully 
good-looking fellow? Do you know who it is? 
He is the man that can lick any man in this 
house. That’s John Sullivan.” 

Tom replied : “ No, it haint Sullivan — that’s 
President Cleveland.” 

“Well, then, they must be relatives, for they 
look a heap alike.” 

Bill G recn pointed to the picture of a plain- 
looking woman, and said : “ l wonder who she 

o 7 

be.” 

I said, “ l guess it’s Joan of Arc.” 

Clarissa said, “Why, Benjamin, don’t you 
know better than that ? That is Susan B. An- 
thony.” 

“ Well,” said I, “ I never met either one of 
’em, or corresponded with ’em, but 1 thought 
she looked savage enough to lead the whole 
world to war.” 

Sarah Smuggins spoke up, “ Weil, Ben 
Morgan, I don’t want your judgment for me. 1 
think she looks like an angel without wings.” 
And so the remarks went on about the pic- 
tures for about twenty minutes, when Timothy 
Brown walked in with a small, red-headed and 
red-whiskered man, dressed up very slick, and 
set down behind the teacher’s desk in a chair 
that had been kept empty on purpose for him. 



88 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 

In a few minutes Mr. Brown got up and said : 

“ Ladies and Gentlemen : We all realize the benefits derived 

from education, and we ought to welcome any and every means for 
obtaining it ; and one of the best things for us to know, is to know 
our own capabilities ; that is, to know what we are the best fitted 
for in the nature of things, so we can more properly educate our- 
selves for the particular place we can most advantageously occupy, 
and thus save much valuable time and labor, that without such 
knowledge would be lost. 

“ We have with us this evening Professor Theodocius Leviticus 
Feeler, from Boston, the most renowned lecturer on Phrenology in 
America. He delivers this lecture free, but will deliver four more 
lectures after this evening, for which there will be an admission fee 
charged of fifteen cents, except to school children, who will be ad- 
mitted for five cents a head. I would like to have you be as quiet 
as possible, considering your crowded condition. 

“ Ladies and Gentlemen, 1 now have the pleasure of introducing 
to you Professor Theodocius Leviticus Feeler.” 

The Professor made a pretty bow, and said : 

“ Ladies and Gentlemen : The greatest duty man should per- 
form is to his God, and the next is the duty he owes to himself. 
Whenever he properly performs these two duties he will, in the na- 
ture of things, have done his duty to his fellow men. He cannot 
possibly do his whole duty to his God without doing his duty to his 
fellow men. In order to do his duty to himself properly, he should 
know himself. Therefore, this great fundamental law, KNOW THY- 
SELF, should be our first and constant study, in order that we may 
fit ourselves for the positions the All-wise Creator designed us to 
occupy. 

“It will be my object to show you how you can know yourselves 
and give you such instructions, which if you will follow them out 
you will know how to manage yourselves. 

“ Gentlemen will, by the study of this greatest of all sciences, 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


89 


know what course of business to pursue in order to be successful. 
They will know what kind of women to marry that they may have 
happy and prosperous lives. 

“ Ladies, by the application of the laws of Phrenology, will know 
who to accept or reject, in offers of marriage. Young ladies will 
know who it’s best to let court ’em, and young men will know who 
to court. 

“ Parents will know how to bring up their children, that they may 
be ornaments to society and a blessing to the world ; and all of us 
will know how to get along right with other folks. 

“ When the Creator went to work and got up a man, do you sup- 
pose he didn’t know enough to label him in a right manner? If you 
do, you suppose wrong. When he made man, he knew that there 
would be a great many men and women in the course of time, and 
in order to preserve order and peace among them, he made them all 
with different looking faces, so they wouldn’t get mixed up, and not 
know themselves from their neighbors ; and when he made them 
with distinguishing features, he made them with a corresponding 
difference in temperament and heart, and he gave his children the 
peculiar features and shape of the head, as a key to unlock the heart 
and brain, and know what the motives are that actuate its possessor. 
This Key we call Phrenology. We will proceed to unlock a few 
heads to-night and see if the Almighty has made a mistake. 

“ The first picture on our right, is a correct representation of 
Adam. 

“ You will observe that he is very narrow between the temples. 
This shows that he was deficient in Time and Tune. Now, who ever 
heard of Adam singing a tune ? No one. He was never known to 
sing a note in his whole life. 

“ It is plainly evident that his Time was poor, or he could have 
got away from the Devil, when the old feller was tryin’ to catch him 
in the garden. 

“ You will notice his sloping forehead, which shows that his In- 


9 1 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


tellectual faculties was very small, and as a proof of it, he never left 
the scratch of the pen to show to the world that he ever had a 
thought. It also shows that he was lacking in Benevolence. He 
was never known to give away a single thing, but on the contrary, 
he took all he could get. When his devoted and generous wife, Eve, 
passed the first dish of fruit to him in the garden, he grabbed the 
biggest apple on the plate, and hogged it down, and never even 
thanked her for it. 

“ You will notice right here (pointing witha stick to a hollow in 
Adam’s head), where the organ of Inventiveness is located, that he 
is deficient. He didn’t know enough to make any clothes for him- 
self, but had to wait ’till good, kind Eve sewed some fig leaves to- 
gether and made him a dress, and then she had to show him how to 
put it on. You will further observe, right here behind the ears, he 
is very full ; he is very broad through the ears; this denotes great 
Combativeness, and meanness in general. 

“ To prove that the key is right, in this instance : The very first 
thing he done that we have any account of, after hoggin’ down the 
apple, was to raise Cain. 

“ This picture on our left is said to be a very correct likeness of 
the great philosopher, Socrates, it was painted from an original 
photograph, taken by Sarony’s great-grandfather, who was at that 
time engaged in the business of catching shadows in the city of 
Athens. Socrates is here represented in fid 1 figure, as he was stand- 
ing in the market-place, bare-footed and bare-headed, with an old 
shawl over his shoulders, that he used to wear summer and winter. 

“ You wild notice a very marked difference between him and 
Adam. He has a large, high forehead which denotes great Benev- 
olence. He was never known to save a cent, and had it not been 
for his faithful friend, Crito, who was with him to the last moment 
of his life, and who, by his own request, gave him the bitter cup of 
hemlock poison, his family would have suffered. He was not a 
spendthrift, but his great benevolent nature caused him to give 
freely from his scanty resources to alleviate human suffering. 




EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


91 


“ You will notice his large, round, full eyes, and those heavy 
pouches under the eyes. They denote Language, and he had a won- 
derful command of language. Not only was he gifted with won- 
derful oratorical powers, but he was the greatest logician in all of 
Athens that city of learned scholars. You will notice all these or- 



SOCRATES AND YOUNG AMERICA. 


gans in the regions of the eye are very large. Everything about 
his head and body shows that he was a powerful man mentally and 
physically, possessed of great power of endurance. He was, in all 
respects, the most remarkable man of his age, and could he have 
lived until now, he would be the most remarkable man ever created. 


9 2 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


“ This picture right above Mr. Socrates, represents the result 
of a union of two common flowers, the calla lily and sunflower. It 
is named Oscar Wilde. You will notice that his smooth, beardless 
face is broad in the region of the eyes, and tapering down to a very 
narrow and slightly drooping chin ; the balance of the head corre- 
sponding with the face, is richly ornamented with a profuse growth 
of mer-maiden hair, and the whole supported by a delicate and slen- 
der neck, the lower extremity of which is surrounded by a faultless 
white linen collar and huge necktie of green satin, presenting a 
striking resemblance to the calla lily. Sunflowers is his hobby, and 
these characteristics predominate in his nature. 

“You will see here, where the bump of Approbativeness is lo- 
cated, he is very full indeed. It is the largest bump on his head. 
You make him think he is one of the smartest men in the world, 
and you touch his tender spot. Public opinion has branded him as 
a soft-headed dude, a good sign to put up in front of a milliner’s 
shop. 

“ Right here allow me to remark, that public opinion is not al- 
ways correct; it is once in a while mistaken, as it doesn’t always 
see through the mask. 

“ This one at our right, is a marked character. You’ll observe 
that the head is very large, very full in the back part where all the 
animal and social organs are located, broad through the region of 
the eyes, a low forehead, and the top of the head is very flat; the 
lines of the face very positive, the mouth large and firmly com- 
pressed, indicating firmness, strong will-power and determination ; 
full over the eyes, showing that he is a quick reader of human na- 
ture ; his perceptive faculties are very keen. You notice he is very 
full back of the ears ; Combativeness is very largely developed. It 
is one of the controlling organs in his make-up ; he can argue well, 
as far as his limited education allows him to go, and when he gets 
that far, if he is still opposed, he is ready to fight. The most prom- 
inent bumps on the back head, are Arnativeness and Philoprogeni- 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


93 


tiveness. He is powerful fond of children ; the more of them he 
can have around him, the happier he is. He is remarkably fond of 
a wife; he thinks so much of that article, that during his life he had 
more than a score of ’em at the same time, and, not being fully sat- 
isfied with that number, he was courting about a dozen girls with a 
view to making them all Young in a short time. The consumma- 
tion of his wishes in that direction was only prevented by the timely 
arrival of that grim messenger, death. * 

“ You observe the top of his head is very fiat. The bump of 
Veneration was swept off deck at a very early period of his exist- 
ence, and consequently, he had very little respect for the Deity. 
His god was his ambition and passion — ambition to rule others, and 
accumulate wealth, and a passion to control a harem of well-selected, 
obedient and submissive wives. 

“ The loss of his bump of Veneration involved the partial or 
complete destruction of several other organs, consequently he was 
unscrupulous. To carry his point was his determination, regardless 
of the method. He had perfect Order, and the way he systematized 
the organization of the Mormon Church and carried out his plans 
in life, proves that the head we are describing properly belonged to 
no other than its owner, Brigham Young. 

“ This lady that hangs next to Brigham is, in many respects, the 
direct opposite to him. You can see her head is narrow through 
the temples, and very high on top, like a church steeple. The 
greater part of her head is in front of her ears; the back part is in 
a straight line with her neck, and where the bump of Philoprogen- 
itiveness and Amativeness should be, there are hollows. Conse- 
quently, she is by nature a regular man-hater. She ha J rather see 
forty cats in the house than one sweet, innocent baby, and she could 
no more tolerate a man in the house than she could convince the 
people of America that she is an angel. She is fully developed in 
the organ of Combativeness. She can argue from morning till 
night, and not feel a mite like giving up then. Naturally she has a 


94 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BENS 


large amount of Veneration, and would be a very devoted religion- 
ist if it wasn’t for her hatred of the first part of God’s creation of the 
human race. She cannot conceive of the wisdom of the Almighty 
in making such a useless and bothersome thing as a man, and espe- 
cially in making him before he made woman, therefore it is hard for 
her to worship such a Creator. She is quite deficient in knowledge 
of human nature, and her perceptive faculties are very small. She 
has but one predominant idea, and that excludes from her mind all 
other subjects requiring much thought. I need not tell you her 
name, for I presume there is not one in this vast and intelligent 
audience that does not recognize in her Susan B. Anthony. 

“ This good-looking man that hangs on the stovepipe has given 
more real fun and amusement to the millions of book-readers in 
America and Europe than any or all of American authors. His 
keen sense of the ludicrous side of human nature enables him to 
strip things of their fictitious robes and let folks see facts undressed. 
His power to present to the human mind things in nearly their true 
light causes laughter and amusement. You will notice his percept- 
ive organs are extremely large, while his deep-seated eye is as keen 
and piercing as a hawk’s. He can smell a joke as far as a Dutchman 

can Limburger cheese, and if it’s stale he can ring the bell on it be- 

% 

fore it arrives. He can see more curious and funny things in a bag 
of dried peas than ninety-nine in a hundred can out of a bottle of 
champagne, even if it is labeled ‘ Extra Dry! 

“ With him the sacredness of antiquity is destroyed, and mum- 
mies twenty thousand years old are treated with no more, if as much, 
respect than Mrs. Jarley’s wax works; and the wonderful descrip- 
tions given by others of the works of the ‘ old masters ’ drop to a 
par with a pair of fifty-cent oil-painted window-shades. The monk 
ceases to be of much more value than the pile of old bones an 1 
skulls he watches. American speculation, with its glitter and show, 
instead of having millions in it, hasn’t got a cent to bank on, and 
has to borrow its chew of tobacco from any one that happens to 
have it in their pockets. 






EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


95 


“ The only real scientific work he has dropped onto is piloting a 
boat down the Mississippi, and putting wit and humor on paper in 
good shape. This man is a benefactor to his race, for he drives away 
the blues, and lights up the face with smiles. I wish we had more 
like him, and in passing to our next, I will say, long live Samuel 
L. Clemens. 

“ Ladies and Gentlemen, I will introduce but one more character 
this evening, and then I will devote a half an hour in examining 
the heads of half-a-dozen persons, to be selected from the audience 
by yourselves, which will close this evening’s entertainment. 

“ I take pride in showing you this picture, as it is a very good 
representation of one of God’s own noblemen, and the United 
States’ best friend, Abraham Lincoln.” 

(At this point there was tremendous applause.) “ His head is 
very large in all the organs that develop the highest and noblest 
traits of character in man, and is deficient in those organs which de- 
velop the evil nature of the race. 

“ You will notice the face beams with a bright, intelligent and 
kind expression, which indicates an honest, warm, tender and sym- 
pathizing heart. There is no deception, malice, or low, mean and 
treacherous disposition there, nor can such traits hide behind such a 
countenance. The large, full eye denotes Language large, the full- 
ness above the eye denotes perception, judgment, calculation and 
forethought. He was a ready and correct reader of human nature, 
and few persons ever approached him upon business that he did not 
perceive their purposes before they even disclosed them, conse- 
quently he was able to meet them upon the most advantageous 
grounds. While Combativeness in him was only moderate, his clear 
insight and powerful logic gave him success in debate. 

“ His social qualities were very strongly developed, mirthfulness 
being very large ; he was a man well calculated to make friends, and 
society was always more cheerful by his presence. His devotion to 
truth and honesty was not an acquired art, but the very essence of his 


i 


9 6 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


nature. It was this that endeared him to the people, and it is this 
trait of his character that will cause his name to live as long as that 
of his country. When the names of many illustrious men shall have 
been forgotten, that of Abraham Lincoln will be fresh and green, 
and will always be coupled with the epithet of Honest Old Abed 

Clarissa nudged me with her off elbow and whispered, — 

“ Say, Ben, Jim Teeters’ head haint. a mite like Lincoln’s, is it?” 

/ 

With the hog trade fresh and green in my memory, 1 could not 
say it was, and so I spoke very emphatic like and said, “ No ! by 
thunder, nor it never will be;” I wouldn't wonder if 1 spoke a little 
louder than I intended to, for a good many who set near us, turned 
round and looked at us real sharp. 

Professor Feeler said : “ Now, if any lady or gentleman will 

come to the platform, I will give them a full and complete examina- 
tion, free of cost.- Will some one be kind enough to call for some 
lady and gentleman that is pretty generally known.” 

There was more’n a dozen hollered out for Clarissa and Uncle 
Ben Morgan; we declined to go, for the reason that m don’t like 
to make ourselves conspicuous ; we are both of us very retiring in 
our natures. Clarissa is more retiringer than I am. Our declining 
didn’t work worth a cent, for the whole house kept a hollerin’ for 
us until we concluded to go. We worked our way to the platform 
amid applause, and occupied the two chairs that was made vacant 
for our accommodation. 

The Professor run his fingers all over my head, then took a 
good square look right into my face, then he went to Clarissa and 
pulled her back hair down and fumbled her head all over, and then 
looked her in the face as if he intended to know her the next time 
he met her, and then he said : “ This gentleman and lady ought to 

be married, if they are not already, for the reason that there is just 
enough in their nature of the opposite to make them well adapted 
for a happy union , their general temperaments are opposite, but in 
some respects they are similar. This lady would rather manage 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


97 


their business affairs, and look after the finances than to trust it to 
him, and he would rather she would. ’ 

I spoke up before I thought and asked him who had been tell- 
ing him about us. 

He said, “ Nobody but yourselves.” 

Said I, “ I never spoke a word to you before.” 

“ Well,” said he, “ You forget that I have got your keys here,” 
putting his hands on our heads at the same time, and he went on : 



“YOU FORGET THAT I HAVE GOT YOUR KEYS HERE.” 


“ This gentleman has a negative temperament, while the lady 
has a positive. She is not obstinate nor quarrelsome at all, but she 
is very firm. She is governed by her convictions of right and 
wrong, and when she has decided a thing is right, you might as well 
try to move one of the pyramids in Egypt as to move her. You 
couldn’t no more persuade her to do a thing she thought wasn’t 
right than you could get Bob Ingersoll to join the Baptist Church 
in the regular way. She is domestic in her habits, peaceful in mind, 
wouldn’t quarrel with any one, except forced to in self-defense, or 
in defense of her family, and then she would stop the moment she 
won the victory. 


98 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’s 


“ She likes fun as well as anybody, but it must not be at the ex- 
pense of principle. If this man is her husband, she keeps a close 
eye on him, and (giving a sharp glance at me, and a cunning wink 
to the audience) I think he deserves it. She wants to know where 
he is nights if he isn’t at home in good season. Of course I don’t 
mean to say she is jealous, but — but — she doesn't believe in other 
folks meddling with her property. She wants to be her own insur- 
ance company, and as long as she assumes all the risk, she will nat- 
urally keep a sharp eye on what belongs to her. 

“ She is quite accommodating, likes to be neighborly, is willing 
to borrow when she is in need of something she is out of, and is 
equally willing to lend. But she will lend any other animal she has 
got on her premises quicker than her husband. She is a good judge 
of human nature, her perceptive organs is very full, she doesn’t 
have to wait until you knock her down in order to understand that 
you mean to hit her. She will see the blow in your intention before 
you make it, and will dodge your aim. She has good order and 
calculation, is naturally very tidy and economical. She can get up 
a good meal out of what many women throw away. She is a good 
talker and can keep up her end of a conversation or an argument, 
especially the latter, and her philosophy is largely original, abun- 
dant and sound, and she generally carries her point. She is inclined 
to see the ludicrous point in anything. If she was in Washington, 
she would be very apt to express her opinions on the way the women 
dress there. She would not be one of the admirers of Helen Potter 
either ; Miss Cleveland would rather suit her style. 

“ This lady has a great deal of Veneration, and is naturally in- 
clined to be worshipful. She holds her God as next to her firm 
principles, which she is set on. 

“ She likes to go to meeting and wants to do her share of the 
singing, and I think she can do that part well, as the organs of time 
and tune are very prominent. She is fond of society, likes to receive 
company as well as to go a visiting. But to her, home is the dear- 
est spot, and to beautify and ornament it is her delight and pride. 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


99 


“ Take this lady’s head all through, and it is remarkable. She is 
well balanced on all subjects except her Benjamin ; on that point 
she is inclined to be a little cranky. 

“ Take her head all through and through — 

Hair of a rich auburn hue, 

Eyes of an enchanting blue, 

That speak as they look at you. 

“ Strong in her Veneration, 

Keen in her Observation, 

Full in her Approbation, 

Ready in Accumulation. 


“With very strong Ambition 
To rise to great distinction, 
And with her Determination 
She will prove to this nation 

“ By her continuation 
In careful calculation 
And due consideration 
Of men in everv station, 

“ That she is of high degree, 
With a noble pedigree ; 

To which you will all agree, 
According to Phrenologee.” 


So far I stood the examination first-rate. I was rather amused 
some of the time when he was describing my other half. Clarissa 
didn’t wince a mite as he drove the nails of truth into her head. 
Most all of them he hit right square on the head, too, except when 
he referred to her keeping a eye on me. She didn’t like to have 
that told, for she knew ’twas just so. She watches me like a old 
hen does her one chicken when all the rest but one have died. I 
haven't been away from home without her with me but once in the 
last two years, and that was when I drove them hogs down to Jim 
Teeters’, and 1 don’t expect she’ll ever trust me to go again without 
her for twenty years to come. 

The crowd enjoyed the examination, and laughed frequently ; 


y 

y y 
) y i 


y 


\ 


IOO 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


and when the Professor made the hit on her jealousy, they gave 
considerable applause. 

I didn’t exactly like to have him come at me before all that 
crowd, specially after he made her out so all-fired smart. I just ex- 
pected he’d make out I was a fool. The Professor, coming up 
against my head, said : 

“ We have a very different individual here from the one I have 
just examined. This gentleman is naturally very kind, does not 
want to quarrel with anybody, but if he is cornered and has got to 
fight or run, he will fight, and he will fight hard, but it will be a case 
of necessity with him. He is not as firm as this lady. In fact, he 
is not firm enough to keep from being imposed upon by sharp and 
designing persons. He is strictly honest, unless he sees a splendid 
opportunity for making a bargain and not get caught at it ; and he 
naturally thinks everybody else is honest. He is not much inclined 
to roam around, for two reasons : First, he is not very familiar with 
the country far away from home, and is a little too timid to go 
alone ; and second, he is afraid to go away to be gone over night 
unless his wife gives her full consent, which is not very probable, 
especially if this lady is his wife. I’ll take it for granted she is. He is 
not very devotional or religious, but his wife being strong-minded, 
and possessing a strong positive temperament, can mold his belief. 
If she entertains any religious sentiment he will simply second the 
motion and join the same church she does, and will, no doubt, see 
things in about the same light as she does. 

“ In politics he is not very firm, though naturally inclined to be 
on the right side. 

“ He is very fond of company, and the more ladies in the com- 
pany the better it suits him, unless his wife watches him too closely. 
But if he gets into conversation with some pretty woman and his 
wife drops her eye on him, it kinder frustrates him, and he forgets 
what he is talking about, and is just as apt to ask the lady he is talk- 
ing to how much she is paying for hogs, as to ask who made her 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


IOI 


dress. In fact, he can’t stand watching by his wife and enjoy it. 

% 

Left to his company without the feeling that he is being squinted at 
by his wife, he could keep up quite a conversation, providing the 
other party could stand it. 

“ Alimentiveness is full. He is a good eater and likes pie. Ac- 
cumulativeness is very full. He has a strong desire to make money, 
and as a farmer he would be successful in that direction, for he is 
industrious and economical; but he would be a poor merchant. He 
ought to have a wife that is a good financier, and this lady has got 
a good head for that. Nature has calculated these persons for each 
other ; they can pull in double harness well, and never have any se- 
rious difficulty. Hitch him with some women, he would balk and 
kick, but this lady can hold him level and keep him cool. 

“ I would advise him to never attempt to sing if he has any re- 
gard for the peace and quiet of his neighbors, for it would prove a 
calamity, and cause him to be covered with ridicule ; not but what 
he is fond of music, but he wasn’t built for a canary bird. 

“ Let me suggest to you, to cultivate firmness and independ- 
ence ; learn to rely on yourself more. Try to make others subser- 
vient to your will rather than act as a servant to theirs. 

“ Let your constant aim be higher ; 

Re led by ambition’s fire 
To firmness, and each day aspire 
To get nigher and nigher 
To the full stature of a man. 

“ And when you have accomplished in life what it is your priv- 
ilege to, and you step down the rapid decline, at the foot of which 
is the open grave, you may be able to say, as did that noble and 
good man, Judge William Wilkins, of Pennsylvania, when about to 
part with mortal scenes: 

/ 

“ 1 Stronger by weakness, wiser men become, 

As they draw near to their eternal home, 

Leaving the old, both worlds at once they view, 

They stand upon the threshold of the new.’ ” 


102 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


With this he dismissed me from the platform. Evidently he 
was pleased with the impression he made upon the audience, for 
there was tremendous applause as he finished me off ; but l assure 
you I wasn’t a mite pleased, for he might just as well said I was a 
dumbfounded relative of Balaam’s beast, as to tell me what he did, 
and 1 said to him, — 

“ You think you are darned smart, don’t you? If you’ll just 
set down in that ar chair and let Clarissa tell this crowd what’s in 
your little head, she’ll show ’em that you are a dumbed sight bigger 
fool than I am.” 

Then the crowd just applauded me. But he replied, “I ain’t 
big enough fool to let her have the chance.” 

Then they all laughed like fury, and I concluded l had better 

f 

keep my mouth shut. Clarissa and l took our seats. The Pro- 
fessor then asked the audience to name two others to come forward 
and be examined. I wanted some one else shown up as well as me 
and Clarissa, so I yelled out, “’Squire Bigler and George Waddles,” 
and the whole house called for them until they went up to the 
platform. 

The Professor took the ’Squire first, and after feeling all over 
his head carefully, and looking him out of countenance two or three 
times, he said : 

This gentleman is a very ambitious man. He has a great deal 
of pride ; he has more pride and ambition than honest principle. 
He has good calculation and keen perception, is a good reader of 
human nature, has good command of language, and is a good easy 
talker; somewhat magnetic, and can make himself very agreeable 
when he wants to. He would make a very good public speaker. 
He has a good deal of the fox in his nature ; can be very sly and 
conceal his real motives. 1 think he is governed very largely by 
policy. 

“ He studies policy in all his dealings with men. He can make 
friends easily, but most of his friends, or those he seeks to make his 



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HE WAS GOING TO FIGHT THE PROFESSOR. 


103 








EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


105 


friends, he intends to use for his own purpose, and it’s only a ques- 
tion of how much he can make out of them, or how far he can gain 
his points by them, that he measures the strength and duration of 
that friendship. 

“ In the true sense of the word, I don’t believe it is in his na- 
ture to know what real true friendship is, but his affable manner, 
coupled with his command of language, knowledge of human na- 
ture, and shrewdness, will win him many friends, who will in turn, 
be duped and made ashamed by their disappointment in him.” 

Bigler got hopping mad and jumped up and said, “ I didn’t 
come here to be insulted, and 1 don’t propose to submit to any more 
abuse.” He was going to fight the professor, but the professor very 
coolly replied, “Hold on, my young friend ; l mean no insult. You 
are a stranger to me, and I am only telling you what your head in- 
dicates, phrenologically. When I examine a person, I must tell 
what 1 find, and not lie about it ; 1 must tell the truth as 1 find it. 
If you can't stand the examination, I will willingly excuse you.” 
The ’Squire got so awful mad that he left the platform, while 
some cheered and more hissed. I am afraid it will hurt the 'Squire, 
as those who are not acquainted with him, will think the Professor 
told the truth, and all those who know him, know the Professor hit 

him square on the head every time. 

♦ 

l pitied George Waddles and at the same time 1 was glad to 
have him get a dose of the same medicine 1 had to take. I said 1 
pitied him, and so 1 did, for after young Bigler got such a scoring, 
he must have felt as if he was about to be put into the chemist’s cru- 
cible, and thoroughly analyzed, and with his peculiar nature, analy- 
zation before the public, would be about as bad as annihilation. 

As the Professor walked up to George, I could see George's 
face turn red, and he trembled slightly. We had seen enough of 
the Professor to know that he could handle his subjects as well as 
his subject, without gloves. He proceeded as follows : 

“ Ladies and Gentlemen : I wish you would please bear in mind, 


io 6 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN'S 


that I do not wish, nor intend to say anything to hurt any one’s 
feelings, but as phrenology is the key the Almighty has given me to 
unlock the heads and hearts of the people, I am going to tell what 
1 find in them, truthfully, and if any one who may pass under my 
examination during my stay with you, should find their heads or 
their hearts out of order, the best thing for them to do, instead of 
becoming angry at me, is to change the wrong things for right ones, 
to cultivate those points of character that seem to be deficient, and 
suppress the excessively strong points that lead in the wrong 
direction. 

“ If you will see phrenology in the right light, you will strive 
to understand it, and will bless God for this wonderful key that 
unlocks the chambers of the soul.” 

Advancing to Waddles, he said, “ I find, upon close examination 
of this gentleman, some verv marked and prominent organs, while 
others are quite deficient. He has a very good memory ; his per- 
ceptive faculties are-large; his judgment of men is quick, and gen- 
erally correct, although once in a while he misses it. He thoroughly 
understands that sugar will catch more flies than vinegar, and also 
that it is a human weakness to like taffy, and he always has a good 
supply of that article on hand to deal out to men, women, and chil- 
dren in just such doses as he thinks they can swallow without mak- 
ing them sick. 

“ Flattery is the most potent sugar to use in dealing with the 
human race. Much as we may pretend to the contrary, the real 
fact is, we are all more or less subject to it. Sweet words, sweet 
smiles, pleasant things said to us about ourselves, please us much 
more than sour faces and bitter words. 

“This gentleman thoroughly understands this principle, and, if 
I am not very much mistaken, he makes use of his knowledge of 
this fact as a prime factor in his business operations. He has excel- 
lent calculation, is shrewd, and possesses the cunning of a fox ; he 
covers up his shrewd tricks and plays, so that most of the people 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


107 


cannot discern them ; but men with good perception and penetra- 
tion, can see through his mask, and understand his motive as well 
as he can see into others’. He is very avaricious ; his great ambi- 
tion is to become wealthy. 

“ lie doesn’t want any one to think he is shrewd, and therefore 
frequently pretends to be very dull. To illustrate: If I had a dozen 
steers to sell, and he wanted them (provided he could buy them to 
suit him), he would happen by my house on his way to prayer- 
meeting, or somewhere else ; he would happen along just as I was 
milking, and he would in a careless manner say : 



SIZING UP THE STEERS. 


“ ‘ Got some nice-looking steers there, h’ain’t you ? How much 
will they weigh, do you think?’ 

“ I would probably give him my idea in regard to their heft. 
He would then say : 

“ ‘ What are fat steers worth nowadays?’ 

“ I would tell him the last price I had learned. His quick judg- 
ment of weight would tell him in an instant whether I had over or 
under-estimated them, and being thoroughly posted on the market 
values, he would readily know whether or not there was money in 



io8 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


them if he could buy at my estimate ; if there was, he would close 
a bargain with me if possible, and let his prayer-meeting, or other 
engagement, go to the winds, and in less than a hour he would be 
home, figuring out how much he had made out of the prayer-meet- 
ing speculation. 

“ This gentleman is liable to make a cloak of great moral recti- 
tude and religion, to cover up a cold, selfish, remorseless and avari- 
cious disposition. He always counts the cost and considers the 
investment before he puts his name down on paper. He is defi- 
cient in veneration. With him, serving God means to serve him- 
self best, and whatever he contributes to the religious cause is 
merely incidental, the same as the merchant pays the printer for 
advertising his business; but he will be very careful to allow no 
impression of insincerity to prevail. 

" His powers of invention are large, enabling him to readily 
assume any role he desires, and he can therefore act the part of a 
zealous Christian so well as to#deceive the average man. 

a He is naturally rather cowardly, and shrinks from any argu- 
ment or quarrel. He does not believe it pays to combat any one ; he 
can't see that it does any good, and frequently costs a man some 
money and loss of friends. He is domestic in his tastes and habits ; 
thinks a great deal of his home and family ; is naturally socially in- 
clined, and, were it not for the expense, would like to go into soci- 
ety a considerable. He is very cautious, and ventures nothing, 
unless he is well satisfied of success in the outcome. 

“ My advice to him is, to be more frank and honest, and use less 
policy ; be more considerate of what will pay the best at the end of 
life's career, than what will yield the most money in the passing 
bargains he may make. 

“ A life of honesty and truthfulness, with less lucre, makes the 
closing hours of life’s race more serene and glorious than a large 
fortune gained at the expense of principle and honor, and the legacy 
left to the heirs more valuable in every sense of the word." 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


IO9 


The Professor said, as the time had passed so rapidly, he would 
make no further examinations, but would conclude his lecture by 
reciting an original poem, entitled: 

“THE PHRENOLOGIST’S DREAM. 


// 
/ / 



“ Wearied by the labors of the day, 

The professor sought to rest his clay. 

His couch invited him with its charms 
To seek seclusion in Morpheus’ arms ; 
While the busy world faded from sight 
Behind the sable curtains of night, 

A bright spirit, beautiful and fair, 

Winged its way through the soft balmy air 


1 10 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BENS 


To his bedside, and folding' its wings. 

Talked to him of the wonderful things 
That God had for his own glory made. 

And all these things, the light and the shade, 
. The pale moon, and the glittering stars, 

The bright sun with his radiant bars, 

The silver stream, and broad, restless sea, 

* The peaceful meadows, and charming lea, 

The granite mountains that pierce the sky 
Proclaiming a Creator on high ; 

The carpet of verdure o’er earth spread, 

The fragrant flower that lifts its head 
To bless and kiss a Creator’s hand, 

And give joy and brightness to the land ; 

The cattle that graze on mead or hill, 

Or slake their thirst in the running rill ; 

The beasts of the forest strong, untame, 
Various in nature and in name; 

The many-hued birds that fill the air, 

And in song proclaim that God is there ; 

The fishes that plow the mighty deep, 

And say the Creator knows no sleep ; 

All these, and all things else he hath made, 
To Him honor, praise and glory paid, 

Except the last of creation — man ; 

Who deliberately laid the plan 
In Eden’s fair and lovely bower, 

To defy his Creator’s power, 

To show the world that man would not die 
If he ate the fruit that pleased the eye ; 

Adam took from the tempter’s hand 
The apple fair, that cursed the land, 

And by disobedience fell 
From Eden fair to Orthodox hell. 

“ Now go with me to history’s tower — 

Man’s record of weakness and power 
While tossed upon the ocean of time ; 

And there you will trace in every line, 

The motive that inspires his action 
To be his own, and not other’s good. 

From its lofty height where prophets stood, 
And with mystic vision foretold the strife 
Of selfish man on the field of life, 

I’ll show you a mighty, boundless sea 
Of struggling, restless humanity, 

With rocky shoals and fathomless deep, 
Whose surging billows in motion keep. 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


I I I 


“The masses ebb and flow with the tide, 

While a few souls on the breakers ride 
Like nauticals in a ship of state, 

Controlled by ambition, love or hate. 

Their glory is for a single day, 

Then, like butterflies, they pass away, 

And into deep oblivion sink, 

While passers by stop only to think 
Of their deeds, both for good and evil, 

And wonder if with God or Devil 
Their poor souls found an abiding place, 

After they had run their earthly race. 

“ A glorious few, a few indeed, 

Were ever born to take the lead, 

To hold the sway in mind’s dominion, 

To form and shape public opinion, 

Their names are written on these pages old, 
Where also their life’s story is told. 

“ Then taking my hand, the spirit bright, 

Led me unto a wonderful sight, 

A large room on whose walls were displayed 
The heads of all these great men arrayed 
In their glory. Then said Would you know 
The secret by which these great men show _ 

Their strength and power ? Then take this key, 
Unlock their heads, and then you will see, 

The mystery — it is Phrenology.” 


I 12 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


CHAPTER X. 



HE chief topic of conversation in our neighborhood for the 
past week has been the lecture of Professor Feeler. And I 
daren’t go into a neighbor’s house for fear they’ll want to feel 
of my head, just to see if am such an all-fired fool as that professor 
tried to make out I was. 

Even old Jim Smuggins, who doesn’t know enough to pack 
down a hog in butchering time to keep it from spoiling before 
spring, said to me t’other night, when Clarissa and 1 was up to his 
house spending the evening: “ Uncle Ben, just let me examine that 
ar top-knot of your’n, and see if I can’t find more in it than Feeler 
did.” 


Said I, “Look here, you infernal old infidel, if a man is such a 
ignorant old fool, and low, mean cuss as to not know there is a God, 
who created all things, and who engineers the whole universe, he is 
too mean and ignorant to run his fingers through my scatterin’ locks, 
hunting for bumps that the Almighty put there. If I haint got as 
large a crop of bumps on my head as some of our great men have 
got, 1 haint to blame for it. The Almighty knows pretty well what 
kind of soil is best adapted to raising intellectual and etcetera, 
bumps on, and it there haint rich enough soil in my head to develop 
as many and as big bumps as Clarissa, or Horace Greeley, or 
Daniel VVebster, and a few others I could mention, had I time, it’s no 
fault of mine, for I had nothing to do in getting myself up, but I’ll 
take just as good care of what few I have got as I know how to, and 
see they don’t grow less ; and what time I am allowed on this 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


I 13 



earth I’ll use in doing the best I can with ’em, and when the ferry- 
boat whistles for me to get on board for the other shore of that 
stream that we’ve all got to cross, and the Captain calls for the fare, 
I’ll just point to the few bumps I have and say to him, ‘ Here is all 
I’ve got; you loaned ’em to me; I’ve done the best I knew how to 
with ’em, and mow take ’em, they're yours, it’s all I've got; what 
little I've done with ’em is left back there. You can judge whether 
it’s good or bad work, and deal with me accordingly.’ 

“ Now, Jim Smuggins, what will you say to the Captain? You’ll 
have to say something to him. I know what you will say. You’ll 
look up at him like a whipped cur, and say, ‘ I haint got nothin’ to 
give you. I didn’t know 1 had got to cross this stream before; I 

didn’t believe there was any 

♦ 

ferry-boat to cross it on, even if 
there was such a stream : and I 
didn’t know, nor 1 didn't believe 
there was any Captain on the 
boat, even if there was a boat, 
and I didn’t believe the Captain 


CAPTAIN OF THE FERRY BOAT. 


would exact any fare from me, even if there was a Captain, and 
so I haint prepared to give you anything.’ 



SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


1 14 

“ That’s the same story that all you infidels will have for the 
Captain. You have been all your lives trying to hatch up some 
infernal lie to give the Captain on this last trip, that you know well 
enough you’ve got to take ; but you mark what I tell you, Jim Smug- 
gins. the gang-plank will be barely hauled in, and the boat will have 
just left the dock, when the Captain will cast everyone of you dead 
beat unbelievers overboard ; and you’ll wallow around in the dark 
and murky waters of despond and despair, without any light to 
show you the way out, and you will never get out. 

“ You may think it’s wonderful smart to make all sorts of fun 
and ridicule of everybody’s religious opinions, and try to make out 
the Bible is a lie, and God is a myth, a creation of the imagination, 
and all such stuff ; but it's a mistake you are making, and only shows 
to thinking, reflecting and intelligent minds what a idiot you are.” 

Clarissa and the other women had been listening to our con- 
versation closely. She couldn’t hold in any longer, and she began 
on a new idea, at least it was new to me, although I have known for 
a long time that she had philosophized a different theory than most 
folks entertain in regard to the human soul and its future destiny. 
She spoke up in an animated manner, and said : 

“ Now, in my humble opinion, you are both talking 011a subject 
that you don’t know anything about. Mr. Smuggins, you certainly 
don’t know much, if anything, about the Bible ; if you did, you 
wouldn’t make such false statements as you do in regard to it, and 
you are equally as ignorant in regard to nature — at any rate, you 
don’t exhibit any knowledge of either in your everlasting pratin’ of 
your infidel opinions. If you will study the operations of nature, 
and take the results of investigations of men who have devoted their 
lives to study, and who by nature are endowed with mental power 
that towers as much above yours and mine as the Alps do above the 
ant-hill in the meadow, and then compare them with a careful 
analysis of the Bible, you will both see that you are wonderfully 
in the dark, especially you, Mr. Smuggins. Benjamin is honest in 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


I 15 

his convictions, and tries to do his duty in the light of ’em, while 
you are not honest in what you talk on this subject. You have no 
well-defined convictions, and consequently have nothing to teach 
you duty, except a kind of instinct common to animals in general. 
I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but 1 do mean that by your contin- 
ual harping upon the subject of atheism and unbelief, you have 
crushed out of your heart whatever convictions of a moral nature 
you may have had in a younger and tenderer age. 

“ I was reading Dr. Draper’s recently published book, this morn- 
ing, and there was one thing that impressed me as being similar 
to what I have for a long time believed in regard to the human soul. 
I've got the book in my pocket, and I want to read it to you. Here 
it is, ‘ Tracing a Drop of Water : ’ 

“ ‘A particle of water arising from the sea may ascend invisibly 
through the air, it may float above 11s in the cloud, it may fall in the 
raindrop, sink into the earth, gush forth in the fountain, enter the roots 
of a plant, rise up with the sap to the leaves, be there decomposed by 
the sun into its constituent elements, its oxygen and hydrogen. Of 
these and other elements, acids and oils and various organic com* 
pounds may be made ; in these, or its own undecomposed state, it may 
be received into the food of animals, circulated in the blood, be es- 
sentially concerned in the acts of intellection executed by the brain ; 
it may be expired in the breath. Though shed in the tear, in mo- 
ments of despair, it mav give birth to the rainbow, the emblem of 
hope. Whatever the course through which it has passed, whatever 
the mutations it has undergone, whatever the forces it has submitted 
to, its elementary constituents endure. Not only have they not 
been annihilated, they have not even been changed, and in a period 
of time, long or short, they find their way, as water, back again to 
the sea, from whence they came.’ 

“ Now, there is given in a few sentences the result of deep study 
and investigation, not of Dr. Draper alone, but a great many scien- 
tific men who have preceded him. What is true in regard to the 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


I 16 

drop of water, is also true in regard to all the elements of the material 
universe ; none of them are lost, or even changed, although they 
are continually changing positions, parting with old and forming 
new associates. They are brought into activity by the invisible in- 
fluence of the sun. All this is done in a regular order, everything 
in the material world working under the system of natural law. 

“ Now my opinion is, that we have in the material nature a type 
of the spiritual, and 1 think the Bible, when rightlv understood, 
conveys the same idea. God is the great spirit power that animates 
everything; that is the life of all things that exist. While this 
power animates the human clay for a few moments of time, and then 
leaves it, it as certainly returns to Himself, the Great Spirit fount- 
ain, as does the drop of water return to the sea. It may, perchance, 
energize a mortal that is so frail as to fall into all sorts of vice, wal- 
low around in mire and filth, for a time, but it will certainly emerge 
from its poor association and return to itself, its author, a pure, 
free spirit, pure by being freed from its material association. 

“If this thought — which is clearly taught us by all of nature’s 
operations, is true — then it follows that the doctrine of eternal future 
punishment of the wicked and the eternal future happiness of the 
righteous, or of the eternal separation of the two classes, falls to the 
ground. The doctrine of rewards and punishments, in fact, has 
no ground. It is the invention of man — man governed by feel- 
ings not in accord with natural or divine laws. So also is the 
doctrine false, perniciously false, that there is no God ; for He is 
the Great, Supreme Spirit power, the All in All by which we all 
exist, and to whom we must yield this vital spark, this spirit He has 
by His own law placed in our clay.” 

Said I; “ Clarissa, if your idea is true, then what’s the use of be- 
ing good? You haint no better off than if you was as mean as 
pussly.” 

She replied, “That is all foolishness. Should it for one moment 
lessen our moral responsibility because we have no heaven to gain 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


II 7 


for doing what we ought to do, and no hell to scare us away from 
doing what we ought not to do? The fact that man is endowed 
with an intellect capable of evolving thought (the divine image in 
man) is sufficient reason for us to do right and shun* wrong. That 
our own highest happiness and the happiness of our fellow men in 
. this life is only secured by doing right, is the great lever that should 
move us to act in harmony with the moral law. 

“ Any man that will serve God because he expects to get a 
crown of jewels and a seat in the kingdom, and to walk the golden 
streets of the New Jerusalem, is an avaricious and selfish being, ex- 
pecting large pay for doing nothing but what he ought to do, and 
is unworthy to receive any such reward ; and any man that is such 
a coward that it requires a hell to make him do his duty to himself, 
his family and his fellow men, deserves punishment for his coward- 
ice instead of reward for being scared into doing right, and that 
punishment he will receive in life, for not being true, but wearing a 
mask that illy becomes him. 

“ Christ was a type of a perfect man, and the spirit manifested 
in his life was pure and not contaminated with its earthly tabernacle, 
and shows to the world what man ought to be, and what he can be 
by strict obedience of the moral law. He neither held in one hand 
a ticket to heaven to buy man to do his duty, nor a whip in the other 
to drive him to hell for not doing it; but He taught men the moral 
law by precept and example, and showed them that they had it in 
their power to make their own happiness or misery. And he who 
obeys the moral law while on earth receives the just reward, not as a 
gift for obedience, but as a result that cannot be denied ; and the re- 
verse is equally true. In my opinion this is the idea intended to be 
conveyed to men in the great volume that is ever open to us.” 

I was surprised at the way Clarissa handled the subject. 
Smuggins looked astonished at her, but couldn't say a word in re- 
ply. Sarah Smuggins looked up to her father after a few moments 
of silence that followed the remarks of Clarissa, and said to him: 


iiB 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


“ Pa, what have you got to say to that?” 

He looked red in the face, then took a cud of tobacco out of his 
mouth, threw it on the stove hearth, and squirted a lot of tobacco 
juice after it, wiped his mouth on his coat sleeve, and replied : 

“ Nuthin’ !” 

Says I, “Jim, don’t you want to examine Clarissa’s top-knot 
and see if you can’t find more in it than the Professor did ?” 

Said he, “ No. She’s got more in it than I ever dreamed of, and 
she has said more for you and me both to think of than I ever heard 
any one say before on that point. I guess I’ll look it up, and if she is 
right I’ll change my ideas.” 

I said, “ You can’t look it up any too soon.” 

“ WellC says he, “you haint got much to brag about, for she 
has taken the starch out of your biled linen.” 

Sarah had been quiet as long as she could stand it, and finally 
broke out : 

“ Well, perhaps Mrs. Morgan is right, and perhaps she isn’t ; 
but there wouldn’t be any necessity for any moral law or anything 
of the sort if things was done right in the first place. All this comes 
because old Adam was created before Eve was, and just like the 
men have always been ever since that performance — claimed the 
right to boss everything just because he was on the ground first. If 
Eve had been made first things would have all been different. She 
would have made the bigoted thing stand around and do what was 
right. And the women of the world would have managed the 
affairs and made the men do right. They would make the men re- 
spect them, and we wouldn’t have such a state of affairs as there is 
now. We wouldn’t have any rum and rows, and fighting and mur- 
der, and all sorts of wickedness. 

“ But as woman wasn’t made first, and things are as they be, it is 
the duty of the women to reverse the order of things, and take the 
! ead and management of things throughout the world.” 

Said I, “Sarah, what a pity it is you wasn’t born before the 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


I 19 

Creator was, so you could have shown Him how to commence 
business.” 

Clarissa spoke in a sarcastic sort of way and said, “ If we are to 
believe what sacred history tells us, the woman took the reins of 
government out of the man’s hands the first day she met him in the 
garden, and told him what to do, and he minded her; and also that 
she was the first to transgress the law.” 

I spoke, and said, “ And she has kept the lines in her hands ever 



SARAH SMUGGINS WHEN A GIRL. 


since, I think; the only women that 1 know of that does much 
kickin’, is them that can’t find some poor feller to hitch onto.” 

At this remark Sarah flew mad, and said, “Well! for her part 
she never had seen a man yet she would tie her lines to, and she 
pitied any woman that was fool enough to do such a thing.” 

“ Whv, la sake, Sarah, how you talk,” said old Mrs. Smug- 


120 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


gins. “ You have forgot what a powerful sight of trouble you made 
your father and me, when you was determined to marry that rattle- 
headed Dugood that the Smith gal married ; you’d ride the front 
gate a watchin’ for him to come along ’till you broke seven pairs of 
hinges, and you wouldn’t sleep nights, and would go round the 
house daytime a dreamin’, and would put sugar in the butter for salt, 
and put salt in the coffee for sugar, and write notes and send to him ; 
and almost went crazy when you found he was goin’ to marry the 
Smith gal. Perhaps you’ve forgot it, but I haint.” 

“ Well, mother,” said Sarah, “ I think it’s real mean for you to 
tell everything I done when 1 was a foolish girl, right before these 
folks.” 

We saw there was a storm coming up sudden-like, and if there 
is one thing on earth that Clarissa dislikes more than another it is a 
row, especially a regular family storm, so with a calm and dignified 
complexion onto her face, in a tender tone she said, “ Well, Ben, it’s 
getting late and we must go home ; we left Mary all alone in the 
house with no one but Ebenezer Plunket, and she’ll be lonesome, 
and like as not half scared to death, and we must go right away 
and suiting her actions to her words, she rose majestically and pinned 
her shawl and bonnet on. After extending the customary invita- 
tions to come over and spend an evening with us, we bid them good- 
night, and walked out into the starlight night, and started home- 
ward. 

Arm in arm we walked along, commenting upon our visit and 
what was said. I said, “ 1 hope what you said will cause Jim to 
think, and change his mind. I believe you are right.” 

‘‘Yes,” replied Clarissa, “I hope Mr. Smuggins and every 
other man will study the great question of what is right and wrong 
for them to do, and will strive to do right at all times and under all 
circumstances. If we will all do our duty here it matters not what 
theory we may have in regard to that unknown future, when the 
last night closes in upon us ; it will be one of delightful rest ; soft 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


1 2 I 


breezes to cool the lifeworn and tired body ; while deeds of kind- 
ness, charity, truth and love, and devotion to principle, will shine 
above and around us, as do these glorious stars in the heaven, all 
seeming to say, 4 Well done, thou art entitled to a blissful repose; 
thy life has not been a blank, but one of benefit to the world/ ” 

When we arrived home we noticed a dim light in the 
front room. Clarissa thought she would go up kind o’ cat-like 



WATCHING MARY AND EBENEZER. 


and peek into the window, and see if Mary was there. When 
she got to the window she saw Ebenezer a’ settin’ in the big rocking- 
chair, and Mary settin’ in his lap comfortable-like, and she didn’t 
look a mite scared nor lonesome. Then we both stepped onto the 
front porch floor, heavy-like, and scraped our feet, then opened the 
door and walked right into the room. The light was turned up 
real high, and Mary was setting on one side of the stand, doing 
some needle-work, and Ebenezer was on t’other side, reading out 
loud from Logan’s “ Great Conspiracy.” They was both the very 
picture of dignified innocence. I said, “ Mary, have you been 
scared any since we went away?” 



122 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


“ Not a mite,” she said ; “ what made you think I would be?” 

“Oh, nothing,” said I, “only your mother thought you might 
be, so we came home early.” 

“ Well,” she replied, “ I’m sorry you hurried on my account.” 
Ebenezer looked a little carroty-colored in the face, and confused- 
like. 

We set down and talked about neighborhood affairs and about 
the lecture. Ebsaid young Bigler was bilin’ mad at the Professor; 
it was a little more than he could stand to have the truth told on 
him. He has had the idea that he was a little smarter than any man in 
this part of the country, and has been expecting to run the political 
machine, and get elected to the Legislature ; but the Professor’s 
examination kind o’ tore the mask off of him, and give the people 
a chance to see what kind of a feller he really was, and he is afraid 

it will hurt his chance for the office he is anxious to have. I told 

* 

him that Bigler was foolish to get mad about that; the Professor 
was only an ordinary man, and guessed at one-half he said about 
anybody’s head. Ebenezer said that might be so, but he hit Bigler 
and Waddles right square every time, and didn’t miss them a mite. 
They are both as dishonest as they could be; one is all policy with 
the voters, and t’other is all policy with the church folks, and every- 
body else, where he thinks lie can make a dollar. They are both 
infernal hypocrites and shams. I told him I guessed there was no 
room for anv argument on that point. 

The clock struck ten, which was one hour later than we was in 
the habit of settin’ up, and we thought, by the way Mary fidgeted, and 
the hard work Eb had in thinking what to talk about, that our room 
was more desirable than our company, and so we went to bed and 
left them in possession of the square room once more. Both of 
them seemed to be relieved of a load of something when we bid 
them good-night. 

How tedious and tasteless the hours, 

When kindred souls are kept apart; 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


12 ? 


When Cupid cannot use his powers 
To draw his bow and shoot his dart. 

Dear parents are good in their sphere; 

Their sphere is large in Mary’s eyes, 

But when her Ebenezer comes here, 

He is her all, her only prize. 

It’s hard work for Ebenezer 

To talk of rascals and their mask, 

When Mary wants him to squeeze her, 

And he is dying for the task. 

So we had better go to bed, 

And leave them to their glory, 

And not listen to what is said, 

When love is telling its story. 

Them is Clarissa’s and my sentiments, and we advise everybody 
to let lovers alone when they want to talk, for it’s the only time in 
their whole lives they will have to find out whether they want each 
other for life, or whether they can get each other. So we want all 
our friends to join us in saying good-night to Ebenezer and Mary, 
whether they be our Mary and Eb, or some one else’s. 


124 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


* 


CHAPTER XI. 

f HINGS have been running in the usual way in our neigh- 
borhood for the past two months. Threshing, husking corn, 
digging potatoes, gathering apples, making cider, et cetera 
and et cetera. And to keep the social engine moving, and give the 
young folks an opportunity to unload their accumulating burden of 
love and moonshine, there have been a number of paring bees and 
huskings, and a few picnic parties down to the lake. 

Zolliver Ramsdell and Nancy Boyles concluded they had en- 
dured the anticipation of future bliss about as long as the} 7 could 
stand it, and decided they would enter upon the realization of 
what joys belong to the marriage state. By the assistance of Rev. 
Jonas Danberry they placed their names on the roll of independent 
families, as Mr. and Mrs. Ramsdell. The affair took place down to 
Mrs. Boyles’ house on the 15th of September. Nearly all the neigh- 
bors was there; Ebenezerand Mary stood up with them when they 
was married, and they become so interested in the proceeding, that 
when Rev. Danberry said, “ Let the parties join hands,” Ebenezer 
and Mary grabbed each other’s hands, and stood blushing at the 
minister, not really thinking what they was doing until the minister 
asked in a peculiar manner, which couple he was to unite. Then they 
came to consciousness as quick as a flash of lightning. Mary felt 
as if she had received a shock. The smile that was visible on the 
faces of the assembled neighbors and others, found an audible ex- 
pression, to the discomfort of both Eb and Mary, who retired from 
their position on an Eb tide. They were not seen again until they 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


125 


was brought into the supper room by a searching party, who found 
them in the northwest corner of the orchard. Aside from this lit- 
tle mistake, Zolliver and Nancy completed their part of the cere- 
mony in good shape amid the applause and congratulations of their 
numerous friends and the rest of the folks that was waiting with 
pent-up appetites, to devour the fatted calf and other delicacies to 
be served up in the supper-room. 

At the table Ebenezer and Mary received a good many jokes 
and rubs, until Eb finally mustered up courage like a giant, and 
spoke right out and said : “ Well, if we did make a little mistake, 

I don’t see that it’s very much to laugh at ; the next time we do it 
we won’t run away, but will stand there and let the minister guess 
who it is that wants to be married ; won’t we, Mary?” And Mary 
blushingly replied, “ I suppose it will be just as you say, Eb.” 

Rev. Danberry promptly suggested the present occasion as a 
fitting time for the re-occurrence of the accident, but Ebenezer said, 
“ Not just now, but when there was a minister handy by who could 
tell, without asking, who wanted to get married,” and so Danberry ’s 
prospect of another five dollar job vanished, while a calm settled 
down around the table like a pall, disturbed only by the rattle of 
dishes and the oscillating motion of the under jaws of thirty-five 
hungry mouths, until Clarissa remarked, — 

“ Mrs. Boyles, what excellent biscuits these are ; I never 
tasted of any better.” 

“ Yes,” said Mrs. Boyles, “ Nancy made them ; she’s a splendid 
bread-maker.” 

Another short calm ensued, when Lily Doolittle spoke up in her 
innocent manner and said, “ I am so glad the fashion for women to 
wear short hair has come around ; it is such a bother to take care of 
long hair, and then, hairpins are not only extremely bothersome, 
but they are positively dangerous.” 

I made no comments on the whole of this occasion. I do not 
just now remember of opening my mouth but once except at the 


126 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


table, while I was there and that was when I kissed the bride with 
the rest of the procession that passed by her, but I could not help 
thinking then, and I haint stopped thinking yet, why it is that some 
folks instinctively (as it were), spring a conversation upon the most 
disagreeable topic, just at a time when both peace of mind and 
tranquility of stomach demand the choicest language and upon the 
most agreeable topic. If ever there is a time when pleasant sub- 



jects of conversation should be selected and choice, pleasing lan- 
guage used, it is at the table, when that organ, the stomach, which 
is very sensitive, can be stimulated to increased powers of digestion 
by delicate and pleasant conversation, or nauseated, if not com- 
pletely paralyzed, by unpleasant words associated with unpleasant 
memories. Now the remark of the innocent Miss Doolittle called 
up the narrow escape the old lady Boyles had from Nancy’s hair- 
pin in the biscuit, and the entire party had their sufficiency of a de- 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


1 27 

licious meal, carefully prepared and nicely served. Lily’s remark 
was like ipecac thrown into the soup. 

Thoughtless and needless unpleasant remarks similar to those of 
Lily’s, made in the sick room, arrest the progress of the patient’s 
recovery, put a damper upon the doctor’s success and frequently 
supply the undertaker with work he ought not to have. In society 
it sends the raven croaking from house to house, destroys the peace 
and happiness of home, keeps the lawyer busy, fills the public press 
with sensational matter and is the daily diet of tattlers and mischief- 
makers. Prospects are blighted and the honey of life frequently 
turned to wormwood and gall by ignorant thoughtlessness in 
conversation. 

I did not intend on this occasion, to indulge in criticisms on the 
frailties of human nature. My own frailty should forbid any such 
criticism. 

After supper the young folks had a dance, and Zolliver and 
Nancy was made the recipients of some nice presents. A host of 
jokes was freely passed around at the expense of Zolliver and 
Nancy, and Eb and Mary. 

There has been considerable excitement throughout our 
county for the last month on account of the election that has just 
passed off. This being an off-year in politics, as they call it, there 
wasn’t so much interest taken in the State ticket as the countv ticket. 
The people got more excited in the contest for assembly-man than 
any of the other candidates. They had a lively time at the caucus 
down to the village in electing delegates to the county convention, 
but there was a good deal more excitement at the convention than 
at the caucus. Young Bigler was at the Republican convention and 
working as hard as he could to get the nomination for member of 
the Assembly on the Republican ticket, but it was no go ; they 
didn’t want him, and they gave him the grand snub, by nominating 
Thomas Conners, a smart young lawyer at the village. Disap- 
pointed in his failure, young Bigler immediately deserted the Re- 


128 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


publican party and became a rabid Democrat. The Democrats held 
their convention a week after the Republicans. Young Bigler suc- 
ceeded in getting the nomination at this convention. He promised 
to work faithfully for them. The county is very strongly Republi- 
can, so his prospects was not very bright, but he went to work mak- 
ing speeches all over the county, speaking in the schoolhouses every 
night until election day. 

He attempted to show up the rascality of the Republicans, and 
the necessity of a reform, and worked in all the claptrap that politi- 
cal stump speakers use for fillin’ in their wind puddings; but where 
he spread himself in the biggest style, and soared the most was on 
Free Trade . “ Free Trade,” said he, “ Fellow Citizens, is the main 

log in our raft ; we maintain that the Creator made us all free and 
equal, and gave us the air in the heavens to breathe freely, and the 
water of the earth for our free use, and the land and its products 
from one end of this vast world to the other, should be equally free 
to us. And it is contrary to divine law and judgment to put an em- 
bargo on everything we want to buy of our neighbors, whether they 
live on the farm that joins us, or over in England, France, Turkey 
Russia or China, or any other part of the world ; we have no right 
to say others shouldn't sell us their goods at any price they was a 
mind to, or give ’em to us if they wanted to. No, sirs, gentlemen, 
everything should be put on a free basis so far as business is con- 
cerned. We ought to get everything we want at the very lowest 
price that competing markets can offer, without being restricted by 
enormous tariffs that are gotten up in the interest of greedy capital- 
ists and soulless millionaires, etc.” 

He would try to work upon people’s prejudices and sympathy, 
and he would tell some stories to see how many laughed and how 
many didn’t. While the laughing was going on he would calculate 
by the number that laughed and that didn’t what course to take in 
the rest of his speech. He used his funny stories just the same as 
all of 'em do, as feelers . He would shape his remarks as he thought 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


I29 


would please the majority. He spread himself in good shape, and 
in his fl ights of rhetoric and fancy, he imagined that he had con- 
verted every one to his ideas ; and a seat of honor in the great fine 
capitol at Albany loomed up before him as the pearl of great price. 
He made a regular war on every successful manufacturer or rail- 
road man. In fact, he give a blow to every one that was financially 
successful. He took the ground that free trade was the stepping- 
stone to free money, and in his opinion free money was a big thing 
for the people to have. He was worked up to such an appreciation 
of himself and his abilities, that he dreamed in his sleep of the great 
Bigler that was to be. His joy, however, was like that of the child 
who sees the rainbow tints glistening on the surface of a soap bub- 
ble in the sunlight. The fourth of November burst the bubble, and 
there was nothing left. 

He forgot to tell the people that the best citizens were those 
that were sober, honest and industrious; that they were the ones 
who spent the least time in talking politics, and made the least noise 
on election days. He forgot to mention in his speeches that the 
shiftless, lazy and profligate people were the ones that made the 
most noise about elections, and complained the most about monopo- 
lies and rich men. He forgot to hint in his speeches that nearly all 
the rich men of our country were born poor, and worked their way 
up in the world, that industry and frugality were the principal ele- 
ments in their success. He forgot to say to the people that there 
was no country on the globe where honest labor received such high 
recognition, where the wage earner received so much for his labor, 
and where the way was open to a fortune for him, as this country. 
He forgot to mention a word about Professor Feeler's lecture or 
the examination he received at his hands. He forgot to give his 
real reasons for changing his politics. 

As Tom Conners went through the county he so completely 

riddled Bigler’s speeches, that there wasn’t enough left to them to 

make a fly net to cover a kitten. He showed it up clear enough for 
9 




1 3° 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN'S 


the most stupid to understand that the first law of nature is self-pro- 
tection, and what is true in regard to the individual in protecting 
himself and his interests, is equally true in regard to a community, 
a town, county, State and nation. All its interests should be care- 
fully protected, and if the products of another country could be 
scattered throughout our country at such prices as to paralyze if 
not completely destroy our own industries, then they should be shut 
out by such a tariff as would place them in a fair competition with 
our products. 

He didn’t forget to call special attention to all those items that 
Bigler omitted. He didn’t forget to show that the Democrats was 
alike interested with the Republicans in upholding and protecting 
the prosperity of our country, and all its industries, and in protect- 
ing every one in their right to vote, and in securing an honest count. 
Nor did he forget to refer to Professor Feeler’s description of Big- 
ler. The final result was decided last Tuesday. Tom Conners was 
elected by a majority of 4,387, which was just 392 short of all the 
votes cast in the county. 

Since the election Bigler has been real sick ; the strain upon his 
nervous system was more than he could stand. The exposition of 
his true inwardness hurt him as much as his defeat, for his ambi- 
tion was not only knocked in the head, but his hypocrisy was un- 
masked, and dishonest Bigler could no longer fool the people of 
that locality with his numerous shams. He now declares he wont 
live in such a country; he is going to move to Chicago. 

Clarissa says she guesses we will get along just as well without 
him, and perhaps better. That settles it in my opinion, for when 
Clarissa once makes a positive declaration of a principle or an idea, 
it is just as satisfactory as if I’d read it in the Bible. 

Speaking of Clarissa thusly, makes me think how blessed and 
happifying it is to have such confidence in your wife, that when she 
tells you anything, you know it is positively true; and how much 
more happifying it must be to them that is of a opposite sex from 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


131 

what I belong to, by the nature of things, to have the same sweet 
confidence in what their husbands tell them. If such was the case 
generally, marriage bliss would go up in the market five hundred 
per cent., and the divorce business would be knocked higher than 
Bartholdi’s torch of liberty lighting the world. I wish such was 
the case, but I’m forced to believe it aint. What might be if the 
sweet angel of confidence roosted on every front door, isn’t, and I 
don’t see any sign of a breeze that is likely to waft that condition of 
things to the human family in the very near future. 

When I get to talking to Clarissa in a loving sort of a way, and 
tell her what perfect confidence I have in her, she generally, and at 



BIGLER STARTS FOR CHICAGO. 

sundry times, replies, “Well, Benjamin, I love you, ’tis true, but Ican’t 
exactly return the high compliment you give me.” Really, I don’t 
suppose she can, for ever since she found me acting sweet-like to the 
Widder Lewis, about two years after we was married, she has a 
vivid recollection of it, and how I mixed myself up in trying to 
explain. 

The men think they are the sharp ones of the Creator’s handi- 


132 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


work, but they are deceived ; they haint one-half as sharp as the 
women, for just as sure as they get caught in doing something mean 
and wrong, they will commence lying out of it, and they’ll mix them- 
selves up so before they get through explaining, they’ll have to con- 
fess they lied. But, if a woman gets into a difficulty, she will simply 
lie out of it, and stick to it until the climate changes temperature in 
the lower regions, before she’ll confess. 

Clarissa doesn’t agree with me on that point, but the reason is 
plain enough. She has always been truthful and honest, and she 
thinks women in general are. Well, I think women, in general, are. 
I do not for a moment think the general run of women are liars, but 
when you do happen, by accident or otherwise, to find one that does 
prevaricate, the remarks I have made on that pretty correctly 
apply. 

Domestic felicity depends largely upon domestic confidence. 
Chamfort says : “ It is with happiness as with watches — the less com- 
plicated, the less easily deranged.” 1 was trying, in my weak way, the 
other evening, to philosophize with Clarissa in an argument on this 
question of domestic peace and happiness, and gave her my ideas upon 
this confidence business, and told her what the world might be, if — 
and if ; and she said : “ Benjamin, those are my sentiments, but the ‘ ifs ’ 
take all the starch out of sentiments. Balzac says: ‘ We are finite 
beings. There can be no infinite happiness for us. The soul that 
dreams it and pursues it, will embrace but a shadow.’ I am willing 
to accept the situation, and embrace ail the substance I can of every- 
day happiness, and not spend my time in running after shadows.” 
Thus, my philosophizing, as usual when I get into an argument with 
her, ended. I think I can safely say, when I get into a discussion 
with Clarissa, nineteen times out of twenty I can appropriately 
write the word “ Waterloo ” at the end of my part of the discussion. 

When I married Clarissa I thought just as a great many of them 
think, and as some of them act — that I was going to be boss, and 
have things about as I wanted them ; but I soon found that Clarissa 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


133 


was my intellectual superior, and I concluded, for various reasons, 
that I had better adopt the advice of La Bruyere, who said: “ It is 
often shorter and better to yield to others than to endeavor to com- 
pel others to adjust themselves to us.” I have lived by his advice 
so long, that now it is a pleasure to yield to her. 

I find I have been running off onto a different track from what 
I intended to, when I got through telling about the election and 
Bigler's defeat. The reason for it is plain. Clarissa made a re- 
mark, and I got to telling about her remark, and switched off. That 
woman switches me off my main track very frequently, if not oftener. 
I may have an idea in my head worth a whole column in a newspaper, 
but just as sure as she speaks to me it’s gone, and I go off in admi- 
ration of her, and feel my own littleness so much that the idea is 
gone forever, and when I get back onto the main track again, I have 
to get a new lot of ideas before I can go ahead. I confess, it is a 
serious drawback, for ideas with me haint a quarter as abundant as 
they are with Clarissa and other smart men. Therefore I shall rely 
upon the patience and forgiving spirit of the readers to excuse the 
many sudden and unexpected breaks. 

I was going to say that the political campaign this fall brought 
out some ideas more prominently than others ; ideas that we all 
ought to think over. 

First — If there is anything worth laboring for, it is worthy of 
protection. 

Second — The source of supply to the laborer — viz.: capital — is 
as truly worthy of protection as the fountain that supplies us with 
water. The laborer cannot be protected when the source of his 
earnings is open to all kinds of attack and to destruction. 

Third — The most important thing to all of us is a pure and honest 
government, where justice shall be accorded to all, regardless of any 
condition, and this can only be secured by the protection of every 
citizen in the country in his lawful right to vote as pleases him. 

Bigler didn’t adopt any progressive ideas, but resorted to all 


134 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


the little catches and points that in his opinion would make votes 
lor himself. He failed to exhibit that high moral character or 
broad, comprehensive view of the country’s needs that public opinion 
demanded of a man to represent them in the law-making body of 
the State. He played the part, of a fox, and was treated according 
to his deserts. 

Clarissa says that, while she doesn’t pretend to be a politician, 
she reads a powerful sight, and thinks a little, and that, as near as 
she can remember, it has been the custom in this country for the 
opinion of the masses to be pretty near correct ; that some years the 



LETTER OF CONDOLENCE. 


people kind o’ go to sleep and forget that “ eternal vigilance is the 
price of liberty,” and in those spells of slumber the cunning politi- 
cal foxes and wolves go prowling around, and steal a victory at the 
polls; but it only serves to wake up the sleepers, and the next year 
public opinion is wide awake and hard at work, and it opens up 
graves and buries these animals out of sight and smell. Then the 
country moves along, prosperous, peaceful, and happy for a time. 
She says they woke up this year, and we won’t hear anything more 

0 f Mr. B igler in the political field for a good many years, if ever. 

1 think just as she does on that point, of course. 

Last night the ladies’ sewing society had a meeting at Widow 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


Abby Standish’s house, and they talked about the election more than 
anything else. And they concluded that, as Mr. Bigler was going 
to leave the neighborhood for good, they ought to do something 
kind of pretty for him. So they decided to have Mrs. Dave Kirk 
write him a letter of condolence, and a verse or two. Jane was never 
noted for being much of a writer. She said she couldn’t write a 
letter fit for a cow to read, but as he was her cousin by marriage 
on Kirk’s side of the house, she would do the best she could ; so 
she wrote the following: 

“Cuzzin B. B. Bigler: — 

“It is with mingled feelins uv sorrow and regret that I pen theze few short, breef 
sentences uv kondolence and konsolashun to you. I no it must be gallin to your dear 
good wife Mariah, to have your pollytickle kareer come to such a sudden and unplezant 
kloze. I no she iz naturally proud, and haz ben in the habit uv goin in respectable kum- 
pany, and I uzed tu like to go to hur house a vizitin. I hope she will bare up under 
your disappointment, and not brake down in bodily helth. I regret you did not stick to 
your furst party and ben willin tu axcept some miner posishun on the ticket az you mite 
have pulled thru if you had. 

“ However, I spoze the Allmity noze better what we are all made uv better than we 
do ourselves, and probably it iz best you dun as you did, for we cant help believin that 
what iz your loss iz our gain. 

“ Du not be discouraged and give up, but go out West and go into the kattle biz- 
ness. David sez thare iz lots uv muuny in it, and if you cant make your mark in the 
world az a pollytickan, you can git to be a kattle king, and if thare iznt quite as much 
honor in being king uv the long and short horned brutes az a ruler amung the human 
kind, thare iz lots more munny in it, and a shinin silver dollar will kuver a good sized 
soar. With these tuchin and feelin remarks, and this little poem on behalf uv the Mor- 
ganville soin society (in whoze interest I address theze lines) I bid you a disconsolate 
farewell. Your cuzzin, Helen Kirk.” 

“ Bizzy Bascum Bigler, 

’Tho a wiley wigler, 

With his pollytickle rake 
Failed in taking the cake ; 

Partly becauze the young peeler 
Was shown up by Mister Feeler, 

But more becauze we saw 
He didn’t respect the law. 

The greatest mistake he made 
Wuz advocatin Free Trade, 

And in not showin the truth 
By good and suffishent proof. 

The high and noble honors 
Wuz given tu Tom Conners, 

Who saw the way tu eleckshun 
Wuz in the coze uv Proteckshun.” 


136 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


CHAPTER XII. 

ITH a favorable breeze and an even sea, most any vessel 
with a reasonably tight bottom may venture on a short jour- 
nev, but if a lone: vovage is to be made I would advise the 
captain to see that his vessel not only has a tight bottom, but that it 
is thoroughly sound ; that every beam and brace is sound, and prop- 
erly secured ; that in every way his craft is seaworthy. 

Too many shipwrecks are caused by unsound vessels, com- 
manded by incompetent masters. When a storm is encountered by 
such a vessel, the master is baffled, and loses control of it, and the 
rotten timbers give way, and total destruction follows. 

They have had a big shipwreck, so to speak, in this community. 
George Waddles started on the voyage of speculation ; he embarked 
in a vessel of his own construction ; all the main beams and stays 
were composed of his professions of Christianity, and the thin cov- 
ering of its hulk was his membership in the Methodist Churbh. 
When he first started out, everything went smooth and fine. He 
bought all the hogs and cattle in the country he could get hold of. 
He went to prayer-meetings and church service as regular as the 
pilot on shipboard consults his compass and chart. 

When Jim Teeters moved to the village he went into partner- 
ship with Waddles in the stock-buying and shipping business, al- 
though, by a mutual agreement, it wasn’t known that they was inter- 
ested together in business, for by its not being known, they could 
work their schemes to better advantage. 

Waddles had a set of large hay-scales down to the village, on 



EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


137 


which he weighed all the stock he bought. For a long time the 
farmers had sold their stock to Waddles, and drove it to the village, 
and had ’em weighed on Waddles' scales, and took his weight as 
correct. Waddles was always very polite to them, and would gen- 
erally ask all about their health and their families, and was as hon- 
est in appearance to 'em as a man could be. 

One day last week he bought sixty head of steers and no hogs 
of Clark Benjamin, a farmer in the town of Henderson. Benjamin 
is a very careful and prudent farmer, and an honest man, and has got 
to be a rich man. 

Last fall he put into his barn-vard a set of Fairbanks’ hay-scales, 
and when he sells any stock or grain or hay, he weighs it on his 
scales before he delivers it. 

He weighed his steers and hogs before he drove them down to 
the village, but didn’t tell Waddles anything about it, and when he 
got to the village with his stock, Waddles weighed them all and 
footed up the amount, and it was 2,000 pounds less on the steers 
than they weighed on Benjamin’s scales, and 1,000 pounds less on 
the hogs. 

Mr. Benjamin then informed Waddles that he couldn’t have the 
stock at that weight. 

“ Why, what’s the matter ?” says Waddles, in great surprise; 
“ don’t you think that is correct? You saw the scales balance every 
time, didn’t you ? ” 

“Yes,” said Benjamin, “I saw the scales balance every time, 
and noticed you took down the exact figures also ; but I don’t think 
it is correct — and in fact, I know it is not correct.’’ 

Waddles looked red in the face, and acted terribly hurt at Ben- 
jamin’s remark, and told Benjamin to weigh them over himself, if 
he doubted it. 

“Very well,” said Benjamin, “I will; but first I’ll just look 
them scales over a little.” 

He done so, and after a careful examination, he found that Wad- 


/ 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


138 

dies had fixed the scales so they would make just 100 pounds less 
than the actual weight at every draft. 

There was a number of farmers and business men standing 
round the scales during this time, and when Mr. Benjamin showed 
up Mr. Waddles’ trick to ’em, and convinced them all of the fact, by 
a comparison with the weights on his own scales, and also by the way 
the scales was fixed, Waddles fainted away, but by dousing him 
with cold water he came to pretty soon. He looked awful, but he 
couldn’t say nothing. Mr. Benjamin demanded full pay for his 
stock, according to the weight on his own scales. 

Waddles was so dazed he didn’t say anything for some time. 
When he had recovered from the shock, he told Mr. Benjamin to go 
to the bank with him and he would give him the money, and take 
the stock at his weight. 

The news of his fraud went all over the village like lightning. 
In a hour and a half three farmers that had delivered stock to him 
that same day had him arrested for swindling, and he was tried before 
’Squire Dale. The proof was so positive that Waddles couldn’t 
overcome it, but said he never done it; that Jim Teeters used the 
scales to weigh large amounts of butter and cheese, that he bought 
to ship to New York, and also hogs. 

’Squire Dale bound him over to court. The whole thing came 
out on him so sudden that the people all over the village appeared 
thunderstruck, and when the ’squire turned him over to the sheriff, 
he tried to get bail, but he couldn't get any one in town to go on his 
bail for $1,000, and so he had to sleep in jail that night. The next 
day the bankers, after getting security on $2,000 worth of cattle, 
went on his bail for $1,000, and Mr. Waddles was let out. 

This was only the beginning of a general tear-up. The next 
day Teeters was arrested for swindling. He was tried before 
‘Squire Dale also. There was plenty of proof to convict him, and 
the ’squire bound him over to court in $1 ,000 bonds. When the 
sheriff took charge of him he got the sheriff to bring him out to 






jr 








/ 


























EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


141 

see me, and tried to get me to go on his bond. I said to him, “ Mr. 
Teeters, I would willingly go on the bond of an honest man to help 
him out of a difficulty, but I have too clear a recollection of your 
dealings with me last summer, in the hog business, to sign my name 
to your bond, and you must excuse me if I say, once for all, No” 
He looked as if he would sink, but I didn’t have a mite of pity 
for him. The sheriff took him back to the village, and poor Teeters 
had to sleep in the jail that night. Somehow or other the Meth- 
odist folks didn’t help either Waddles or Teeters out of their diffi- 
culty. Teeters had to give the bank a chattel mortgage on his store 



before they would bail him out; this was done the next day after he 
was arrested. Now there was a pair of our prominent men booked 
for trial at the next term of court, and everybody was talking about it, 
and most folks was surprised, especially in regard to Waddles, as he 
had lived there for a long time, and had been a leader in the Meth- 
odist Church, but I wasn’t surprised at all about either one of ’em ; 
I knew by experience that Teeters was a rascal, and I have been 
well satisfied for a good many years that Waddles was masquerading 
as one thing while in his heart he was another. I don’t pretend to 


142 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


be very sharp, but I know a humbug when I see it, if I can’t tell 
others how to detect it. 

Tilings run along about ten days in the usual way, when on a 
Sunday morning, after Rev. Danberry had finished his sermon, and 
just before he pronounced the benediction, he requested all the 
members of the church to meet in the basement immediately after 
the close of the morning service. 

They met in the basement, and the minister told them the object 
of the meeting was to consider the matter of retaining brother Geo. 
Waddles and brother Teeters in the church, after the damaging evi- 
dence that had been brought out against their characters. He wished 
to have an expression of the members in regard to it. There was 
a good many remarks made by different members. Some advanced 
the idea that they should be labored with, while others insisted that 
if they had deliberately gone to work to steal the livery of heaven 
to serve the devil in. if they had used the church for no other pur- 
pose than to assist them in swindling the people, it would be an 
insult to the church to even offer to labor with them. They took a 
vote on it, and by a very large majority they decided that the names 
of these two swindlers should be dropped from the church roll. 
When this was made known to Waddles and Teeters, they resolved 
to have revenge on some of these brethren that was so active in 
getting their names dropped from the church roll, so they circulated 
several stories damaging to their characters. Stories once started 
never grow less, but rapidly increase, both in numbers and mag- 
nitude. The surest way to make a lie the most effectual is to mix 
enough of truth with it to give it the semblance of truth, and then 
it goes well, and hits its intended victim every time. These gen- 
tlemen understood that scheme perfectly-, and started their stories 
with a determination — that as they 7 fell, others would have to go 
with ’em. The result has been terrible. The church has been 
nearly broken up. Nearly one-third of its members have been 
dropped from the roll, or labored with. Scandal seems to have 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


143 


been the order of the day, and each succeeding day developed new 
sensations. It was hinted around that Rev. Danberry was not above 
suspicion, that he had called upon certain sisters very frequently, 
and especially the Widow Crookshank, who runs a milliner store 
in the village. Things had come to such a pass that one was really 
afraid to meet his neighbor for fear he would hear some horrible 
news. 

Clarissa said she was perfectly sick, hearing of so much wick- 
edness, but she says, “It’s not surprising that we hear so much 
all of a sudden, for when all kinds of meanness and wickedness hides 
itself behind a mask of piety and religion, it’s like a stream that has 
been dammed up by flood wood and rubbish. After a while one or 
two of the larger pieces give way, and then the whole mass of rub- 
bish goes out with a rush, Ailing the stream below with its mire 
and filth, but the fountain above is still pure, and as its purifying 
waters course along it cleanses away the filth, and in time purifies 
the whole stream. The church is no more to blame because bad 
men and women drop into its folds, than the fountain is for the drift- 
wood falling into the stream. The Methodist Church is designed 
as an institution for the dissemination of high and holy principles; 
is an institution of honesty and purity, but some bad persons had 
got into it and drifted along. Corruption and wickedness hid itself 
behind great and loud professions. 

“ When Waddles and Teeters gave way, all the hypocrisy and 
wickedness that accumulated, rushed out upon the world. But it 
will all be over soon, and the church will be all the better by being 
rid of the shams and hypocrites that have found their way into it. 

“ The church never hurt a person in the world, and I want infi- 
dels to understand that. No person was ever made worse by any 
church, but vile hypocrites that mask as church members do an im- 
mense amount of harm, not only to individuals outside of the church, 
but to those who become its members from the highest and purest 
motives. Now a great deal of this slander we hear has been started 


144 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


by Waddles and Teeters in order to turn public talk away from 
themselves, and see if that can’t better their case a little when it 
comes up for trial, and has no real truth in it. Time will set it all 
right, and justice will light in the right place, though it may seem 
to be a long time lighting.” I believe Clarissa is correct in her opin- 
ion about this matter, and I will leave Waddles, Teeters and the 
Methodist Church in the hands of Father Time, while I straighten 
up matters around home and get ready to take Clarissa on a tour 
abroad. 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


145 


CHAPTER XIII. 


RS. Jonas Buzzbee — Clarissa’s second cousin on her great 
uncle’s side, that lives in Syracuse, and whose husband 
is in the hardware business there, sent us a paper week be- 
fore last, and marked an advertisement in it with red ink. Here is 
the advertisement she marked : 



“ GRAND EXCURSION.” 

“ A Golden Opportunity that may never occur again. Ev- 
erybody should take advantage of it. A train composed of forty- 
eight magnificent sleeping cars, five dining cars, forty baggage cars, 



EXCURSION TRAIN. 

two refrigerator cars and one car for servants and dogs, will leave 
the Grand Central Depot in New York City November 15, for 
San Francisco, Cal., via N. Y. C., L. S. & M. S., C. & N. \V., U. 
P. and C. P. Railroads. 

“ Tickets good for four months, including berths and meals, and 

10 



146 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN'S 


privilege of carrying 2,000 pounds of baggage, and return via any 
route passengers desire, either via rail or steamship or both, 
only $45 00. 

“ Every ticket-holder is entitled to free transportation for one 
servant and two dogs. Stop-over checks will be given to passen- 
gers, at any point desired, west of Chicago. The many points of 
interest can be visited along the route with very little expense. 
Among these may be mentioned, Omaha, Denver, Colorado Springs, 
the Garden of the Gods, Pike's Peak, Monument Park, the cele- 
brated bathhouses of Idaho Springs, Cheyenne, Black Hills, Og- 
den, Salt Lake City and its wonderful institutions, Helena, Boise 
City, Sacramento, the Yosemite Valley, the Geysers, Portland, 
Seattle and Sitka, Los Angeles, San Diego, the principal cities of 
Mexico and Central America, New Orleans, Mobile, the orange 
groves of Llorida, and a few cities on the Atlantic coast on* their 
way home. 

“ No one should miss this wonderful opportunity. Tickets from 
Albany, $44.00 ; from Utica, $43.00; Syracuse, $42.00; Rochester, 
$41.00; Buffalo, $40.00 ; Cleveland, $36.00; Toledo, $35.00 ; Chicago, 
$30.00. Lor further information and particulars, address Messrs. 
Holdem, Ketchem & Skinem, No. 21 1 Chatham Street, New York, 
or Jerusalem, Scalper cN Co., 148 Clark Street, Chicago, inclosing a 
two cent stamp to insure a reply.” 

Clarissa and I have been saving what money we could for 
some years, intending to take a trip some time and travel, and we 
had got considerable on hand. I had made up my mind to see 
something of the world beside Morganville and the village before 
I died, and Clarissa was anxious to visit many places, and meet many 
distinguished people she has read about, and when we read this ad- 
vertisement, it seemed like a big bonanza to us, and we wondered if 
there wasn't a kind of a Providence in having this excursion come 
at a time we was calculating to travel. 

Clarissa wrote to her cousin Buzzbee, thanking her for the pa- 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


147 


per, and especially for the advertisement, and told her we would 
make her a visit a couple of days before the train left S. I arranged 
things around home so as to leave Abe and Mary and the hired man 
comfortable and all right, and went to the village and got me a new 
suit of store clothes, and rigged Clarissa out, or rather, she done it, 
and on the 13th of November we took the railroad for Syracuse, or 
rather the railroad took us to that place. We got there at 5:45 P. 
M., and Mrs. Buzzbee and her husband met us at the depot with a 
sleigh. 

I never heard such a noise in my life as there was as we was 
going out of the depot yard. A dozen or more of the sassiest 



ARRIVAL AT DEPOT IN SYRACUSE. 


loafers I ever saw, was standing in a row, trying to get us to go to 
some hotel. One of the sassy scamps grabbed hold of my valise. 

I hauled off and was going to plant a bean over his eyes, when 
Mr. Buzzbee said, “ Come on, Uncle Benjamin, and don’t pay any 
attention to them hotel hoodlums.” That dumb scamp dropped 


148 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BENS 


it mighty sudden, and looked cheap enough. We got into the sleigh 
and had a fine drive up to a great, fine brick house where they lived. 
They seemed glad to see us, and although I never met Mr. B. before, 
he acted as if he always knew me. They have an elegant home, 
and everything wonderful fine in the house. 

The next day he took us all over the city in his sleigh. 1 went 
down to his store with him, and I was surprised. He had more 
goods in his store than the whole caboodle down to the village have, 
all put together. He is a wholesaler, and does a big business. After 
we had gone over the city, and seen a good many things, we took 
the women home and had supper, and then Mr. B. drove down 
town again, and took me into what he called a private club-room, 
and introduced me to a number of gentlemen, all of whom he told 
me (afterward) was prominent citizens of Syracuse. Some of ’em 
was merchants ; some was doctors and lawyers, and some was prom- 
inent politicians. One of ’em was the mayor of the city ; he was 
very polite, and in a few minutes after 1 was introduced to him he 
asked us all up to the bar to have a drink. All but me took some- 
thing. Some said, “ I'll take a sour ,” while others called for a 
“ straight,” a “ mash,” a “ cocktail,” a “ mint-julep,” etc. Mr. Buzzbee 
said he wanted a “ Thomas-and-Jeremiah.” All these things was 
strange to me, and I couldn’t understand what they meant The 
mayor says to me, a Come, Uncle Ben, what will you have?” I said, 
‘ Nothing, if you please.” They all looked at me, surprised, and 
says, “ What ! don't you drink?” Says I, “ Gentlemen, I drink good, 
fresh water, when I’m to home, and sometimes milk, but that’s all.” 
The mayor said, “ Well, you know you aint to home now, and when 
you are in Rome, you must do as Romans do. We don’t drink 
at home, do we, gentlemen ?” and all responded, “ No, of course 
not,” and “ Here is some kernels of roasted coffee you can eat, and 
when you go home your wife can’t detect you by your breath.*' I 
replied, “ Gentlemen, you will please excuse me ; I don’t believe in 
shams. I don't believe in pretending to the world to be sober and 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


I49 


temperate, and then get into some back room, as you are here, and 
give a lie to all my pretensions ; and, more than that, I don’t believe in 
shamming to my wife who, of all others, should know the truth in 
regard to my conduct. I can’t see the difference between this place, 
fitted up in such a grand style, with marble counters and great big 
looking-glasses, and fine pictures and pretty carpets, and patronized 
by the prominent citizens, including the mayor, and a common coun- 
try tavern bar-room, with its dirty, low walls, muddy floor, and few 
broken wooden chairs and benches, filled with blear-eyed, besotted, 
ragged wretches ; its air laden with the sickening smell of cheap 
rum and whisky, and its principal sound the discordant combination 
of oaths and curses and foul vulgarity, except pride , pride in appear- 
ance, pride in association, pride in not being seen by the outside 
world, pride in everything except principle , and the material you 
obtain here is the surest destroyer of pride and principle that I know 
of. Give it time, and it is sure to kill both. I beg your pardon, 
gentlemen, if 1 have said anything to hurt your feelings ; I don’t 
mean to do that, but I am a plain farmer, never was away from 
home before, never saw a city until now, and never met prominent 
citizens, especially in such a place as this; but Benjamin Morgan is 
opposed to shams, and opposed to men lositT their heads to satisfy 
their greedy stomachs. If it is all right to drink this stuff, and sell 
it, then have places along the sidewalks, or like other places for re- 
freshments, where it can be sold, and where a man can stop with his 
wife and daughters, and sons, to drink, and not have burnt coffee to 
eat after drinking; and let the mayor, and prominent merchants, 
doctors, lawyers and politicians see that licenses are issued to every 
one that wants to sell it. I am opposed to playing the double game 
of good Lord and good Devil. Hypocrisy don’t pay. \V hen you 
have to settle accounts at the closing up of business, you’ll have to 
tell so many lies in explaining things that the lies will down you. 

Then I turned to Mr. Buzzbee and said, “ Let’s go home; its 
pretty late, and Clarissa will be worrying about me.” I saw Mr. B. 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


150 

was terribly red in the face, and so was the mayor; and I could 
hear some of the others laughing and say something about “ country 
crank." I didn’t know what they meant, unless it was a machine 
for winding up the country with. 

Mr. Buzzbee and' I went home. On our way home Mr. B. said 
he was sorry I spoke so plain — not so much on his own account 
as on account of all those gentlemen, for they were all his friends. I 
told him I was sorry on that account that I had said anything, but I 
told him he could explain to ’em the next time he met ’em, that I 
was an ignorant old fool, from up in the country, and didn’t know 
any better than to beller out what l honestly thought. He said that 
would be entirely unnecessary, as they all understood that now. 

I haint used to very refined society, 1 know ; but I know enough 
to feel a stab like that Mr. Buzzbee gave me, and appreciated it just 
as perfectly as if a mule had kicked me for fooling with his heels. 

After we went to bed, l told Clarissa all about our trip down 
town and back, and what was said, and how Buzzbee gave me a 
stab. She said, “ Well, Benjamin, we haint to home, and vou had 
better keep your mouth closed and your eyes open, and you will 
learn just as much, if you don’t do so much good,” and then she 
said there was going to be a big temperance meeting at the M. E. 
Church, to-morrow night, and Mrs. Buzzbee wanted us to go, and 
as our train did not leave until midnight, we would have plenty of 
time to go, and visit afterward. I told her I would like to go 
first-rate. 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


151 


CHAPTER XIV. 



| HE next day Mr. B. and I went down to the railroad depot to 
get our tickets. We told the ticket agent we wanted two ex- 


cursion tickets for San Francisco and return. The agent pro- 
ceeded to fill out the tickets, and asked how many servants and do°-s 
we had. I told him I had a hired hand I had left to home to help Abe 
take care of the farm, and 1 had never raised any dogs, as Clarissa 
wouldn’t have the dirty things around the house. He laughed and 



BUYING TICKET IN SYRACUSE. 


said he merely wanted to know how many we wanted to take with 
us, so he could include them in the ticket. When he got the tickets 
ready 1 counted out $84 for the two tickets, and he said it would be 
$200 more. I was thunderstruck, and pulled out of my pocket the ad- 
vertisement Clarissa cut out of the paper, and asked him what they 


152 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


meant by that? “ Oh! ” said he, “that’s all right; you have to pay 
us $142 for the ticket, and when you get to San Francisco you take 
what you have left of your ticket into the company's office there 
and they will give you a rebate of $100 on each ticket; that is, they 
will pay you back $100. Don’t you see, Sir, that the company is 
protecting its passengers in doing thus? for they might have their 
money stolen from them before they arrived in California, and in 
doing this each passenger is sure to have at least $100 when they 
get there, and their return tickets.” I had never thought of that, 
and at once I concluded that the managers of this excursion was 
Christians, and was looking out for the safety and welfare of their 
passengers ; so 1 very readily paid him the other $200 and took my 
tickets and also a card of the company’s agents in San Francisco, 
which read, “ Dodgem, Skipem ck: Oppenheimer, brokers and 
dealers in Second hand Tickets, 1496 Oakland Street, San Francisco, 
Cal.” 

After going down to Mr. Buzzbee’s store and gaping around 
town about an hour, we went home to Buzzbee’s, and 1 explained to 
Clarissa all about the ticket business. She didn’t exactly see the 
Christian part in the ticket performance, unless it was to create faith 
in the honesty of a lot of men the public didn’t know, and as faith 
was one of the principal elements of professional Christianity it 
might possibly have a distant connecting link between this company 
and Christianity, and it might not have. But inasmuch as we had 
bought the tickets we would go and not worry about it. 

After supper, we all went to the M. E. Church. I set next to 
Buzzbee. The church was filled in a short time, and a young man 
addressed the audience in regard to the object of the meeting. He 
was very enthusiastic on the subject of temperance, and said they 
wished to organize a new temperance society, and push the cause of 
temperance in every part of the city, and State and nation. He 
said the Rev. W. P. Waterhouse would offer prayer, after which we 
would listen to an address from one of Syracuse’s brightest lights 
and noblest workers, the Mayor. 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


153 


The minister offered his prayer, but I didn’t hear a word of it, 
for I couldn’t help thinking- about the mayor that was to speak, and 
wondered if it was the same mayor I met the night before. After 
prayer was over the mayor was introduced ; it was the same man, 
and he talked for about an hour on the evils of drinking, and even 
made reference to my country tavern bar-room, to show the degra- 
dation that strong drink was liable to bring a man down to, but 
never hinted a word about the fine genteel club-room. I was so 



HE BROUGHT HIS FOOT DOWN ON BUZZBEE’s CORNFIELD. 

confounded indignant at his mean hypocrisy that I brought my foot 
down with a heavy thug, right on Buzzbee’s corn-field, and he almost 
fainted. I didn’t much care, for his particular friend, the mayor, by 
every word that he was electrifying the audience with, to me was 
establishing him as a grand rascal and unmitigated liar, and Buzzbee 
and the “ leading merchants, doctors, lawyers and politicians ” 
knew it. 


154 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


I 


When we went home to Buzzbee's, I was so mad I couldn’t act 
decent. Buzzbee said, “ Uncle Benjamin, you haint used to it. 
After you have lived in a city a few years you won’t notice any- 
thing of that kind. You’ll find that the lawyer pleads cases at the 
bar, not for the sake of the client, but for pay ; it is his profession. 
The doctor visits his patient, not because he considers it his Chris- 
tian duty to cure the invalid, but for pay ; it is his profession. The 
minister that preaches two long sermons every Sunday, and visits 
and smiles and shakes hands six days in the week, doesn’t do it be- 
cause he thinks the Almighty will destroy him if he doesn't, but 
for the pay . The larger the pay the louder the call to ‘go preach;’ 
it is his profession, and the man that delivers temperance lectures 
doesn't do so because he thinks ‘ his Satanic majesty will call him 
on a blind ' if he takes a drink, but for the pay; it is his profession. 
And when a city mayor makes a temperance speech one night and 
treats the leading citizens in the club room the next night, you can 
calculate he is acting strictly professional. 

‘ Uncle Ben, come and see us when you get back from Califor- 
nia and let us know if you find any one else that you think is as 
badly off as our mayor.” 

I kinder got over my huff, talked more pleasant-like until time 
to go for the train. They took us to the depot, we bid ’em good- 
by and we got aboard the train, which pulled into the depot about 
the time we drove up. 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


155 


CHAPTER XV. 




entered a sleeping car for the first time in our lives. As 
we entered at the wash-room end of the car, a nigger 
met us and asked us for the number of our berth. I told him 
that was a delicate question for a nigger to put to a stranger, and as 
Clarissa was my second wife I didn’t care to tell when either one of 
us was born, and furthermore, 1 didn’t know that it was any of his 
business when we was born. 

“ No, no,” said he, “you don’t understand. I am the porter in 
this car ; I take care of the car, make up the beds and assign the 
beds to the passengers according to the number on their berth 
ticket or bed ticket.” 

“ Oh,” said I ; “ well, why didn’t you say so in the first place?” 
And 1 pulled out my $284 lot of tickets. 

He looked them over and said, “Your berth tickets are not 
with these.” 

Said 1 , “ That’s all the agent give me.” 

Said he, ‘ He should have given you berth tickets.” 

By this time the train was moving out of the depot, and it was 
too late for me to get it fixed there. 1 asked him what' we shbuld 
do. He said he had one upper and lower together left he could let 
us have. 

“Well,” said l, “let’s have them, for I’m mighty tired.” “Said 
he, “ Thev will cost you $3 a day as long as you occupy them.” 

Said I, “What kind of a swindle is this, I’d like to know?” and 
pulled out the advertisement and showed it to him. He said it was 


156 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


no swindle. “ The agent at Syracuse was at fault for not giving you 
the sleeping-car tickets. You will have to pay me three dollars a 
day for the time you occupy them, and the last day I give you a 
draw-back check, which you will present to the company’s agent in 
San Francisco, and they will pay you back the money you pay me.” 
“Yes,” said I, “that is another one of the company’s Christian 
acts.” The nigger laughed, and said “ ’twas his orders, and he had 
got to obey orders.” Well, it was no use in quarreling with the nig- 
ger, and we was disturbing the passengers that had gone to bed, so 
I paid him three dollars, and went to find our beds. lie took us to 
the other end of the car, and gave us what he called section one. 
Clarissa said she preferred to sleep down stairs, so I had to go up 
chamber to get to my bed. Things was terrible awkward to me. I 
couldn’t find a boot-jack, and 1 had to work a good while to get my 
new boots off, they was so darned stiff around the instep. When I got 
them off I threw them under Clarissa’s bed, then I climbed up a 
short ladder, and got hold of a rod and sprained my back con- 
siderable, and then I had the darndest time getting my breeches off 
I ever had, and when I got them off 1 didn’t know where to put ’em; 
finally I put them into bed with me, and held them in my arms 
so no one would get my pocketbook without waking me up. I got 
to bed after awhile, and was just getting into a drowse, when the 
feller that slept in the next room to me broke out in the most horri- 
ble fit of snoring I ever heard in my life, and kept it up for more 
than two hours; then I got to sleep. I woke up in the morning, and 
the nigger (I suppose it will sound better to say porter) called out 
“Buffalo.” I got up, and had a worse time in getting my breeches 
on than I had in getting them off, and then I called for the ladder, but 
I couldn’t get neither the nigger nor ladder, so I had to hang my- 
self to the curtain-rod and fall down. Clarissa had got up and 
dressed before I came down stairs, and was in t’other end of the car, 
washing and combing. I hunted for my boots, found them all pol- 
ished up so you could see your face in them ; I wondered who done it 



UNCLE BEN GOES UP CHAMBER TO BED. 


157 







EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 1 59 

Just then the porter came along and wanted to brush me off. When 
he got through, he said, “ A quarter, if you please.” 

“ What for ?” said I. 

“ For shining them brogans,” said' he. 

“Oh, yes, certainly ; I forgot that,” said 1. “ I haint got used 

to the city nor the customs of a sleeping-car yet,” and handed him 
a quarter, with the remark, “ I suppose I’ll get this back from the 



“ MISTER, WONT YOU BUY A MORNING PAPER?” 

company’s agent at San Francisco? ” “ Certainly,” said he. I then 

asked the porter (whom I began to reverence by this time as a part- 
ner of the president of the road) how much it would cost me to 
wash and wipe in that wash-room and look in that fine glass. “ Oh,” 
said he, “ nothing ; that is free.” I breathed a sigh of relief, and said, 
“ Young man of auburn complexion, that is one thing that the com- 
pany’s agents at San Franciscodon’t pay back, does it?” ‘ What?’ 



1 60 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


said he. “ Why,” said I, “ the amount required for washing and 
wiping and looking in the glass, nothing.” 

We had got into the depot at Buffalo, and came to a full stop. 
I had washed and wiped, and was ready for breakfast, and Clarissa 
had done the same. We felt as though we’d like to step out and 
look around Buffalo a little. I asked the porter how long we staid 
there, and he said twenty minutes. I asked him where we could get 
breakfast. He said we would have breakfast in the dining-car about 
half an hour after we left Buffalo ; but if 1 was hungry, I could get 
a very nice lunch in the eating-house, on the right-hand side of the 
depot, and pointed it out to us. Clarissa said we had better eat our 
meals on the cars, as they was to be included in our tickets, and she 
kind of wanted to see how they managed to set a table on the cars, 
and cook and wash dishes, so I concluded not to go into the eating- 
house, as Clarissa had settled it. 

It wasn’t much satisfaction in trying to see Buffalo in twenty 
minutes; we only got a chance to go on one side of the depot and 
look out of the door a minute, when we would hear an engine-bell 
ring, and thinking it was our train starting, we would rush back to 
the train, only to find that it was some other engine going through 
the depot. Then we went on t’other side and looked out of the 
door a minute, and heard another bell ringing, and back we rushed 
to the train, only to find we was fooled again. We concluded we 
would walk up and down the platform, close to the train, so we 
wouldn’t get left. A few minutes passed, when the conductor yelled 
out, “All aboard!” and we made a rush for the car, and obeyed the 
conductor’s orders. I don’t suppose I have got a very correct idea 
of Buffalo, although I can say, if any one asks me if I have been 
there, that I have. 

While I was walking on the sidewalk outside the depot, a little 
boy with a pair of bright eyes and a dirty face, clothed in rags, 
came along with a lot of papers under his arm, and said, “ Mister, 
won’t you buy a morning paper?” 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


161 


“ How much be they.” said I. 

“ Five cents,” he replied. 

I didn’t care for the paper, although Clarissa said she would 
like one, but I thought that there was a bright, honest little boy, no 
doubt earning what he could to take care of a poor, sick mother or crip- 
pled father, or perhaps both, and it was a Christian and neighborly 
act to help him, so I said, Yes, I’ll take one, and pulled out a two- 
dollar bill and gave him, and he counted back the change to me, 
one dollar and ninety-five cents. I gave him an extra five cents, and 
told him he was a nice little bub, and put the change in my vest 
pocket. 

Fie seemed to be wonderfully pleased, while I thought to my- 
self, “ How much more blessed it is to give than to receive.” The 
great mass of people don’t exactly understand this giving business. 
If they are asked to give something to a charitable cause they are a 
long time pulling out their pocketbook, and when they get it ouc 
they make a horrible face, and feel as though they was about to 
have an arm amputated. Now, in such cases, what they give does 
’em no good — in fact, it does them a positive injury, because they 
have violated the true principle of giving — they have, in fact, given 
nothing but simply undergone the operation of squeezing. A gift 
should come from the heart, and when it does the reaction on the 
feelings of the giver is worth more than the amount of money 
handed to the applicant. He has^a calm and peaceful mood onto 
him that seems to pat him on the back and say, “ Good feller ; you’ll 
pass in.” 

I had this kind of feeling come all over me, first commencing 
at my toes and gradually creeping up over my visible person, end- 
ing on the topmost spire that towers aloft from the summit of ven- 
eration bump that surmounts my upper deck, when I gave that 
extra nickel to that honest little newsboy. And I thought to myself 
“ Why can’t folks, when they contribute anything instead of acting 
so all-fired stingy about it, thereby shutting out the Comforting angel 


162 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


of satisfaction , give the amount of their donation with a free and 
pleasant spirit, and have that same happy fying feeling I have referred 
to, roost upon their crowning spires?” 

The widow’s mite was a blessing to her, not on account of the 



“breakfast is now ready in the dining car forward.” 

large amount of property it represented, but the true spirit that 
prompted the gift. 

We had been gone about twenty miles from Buffalo, when a big, 
fat nigger, with a white roundabout and apron, hollo wing like a boss 
at a barn-raising, ' 4 Breakfast is now ready in the dining-car, forward !” 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


i6 3 

4 


CHAPTER XVI. 

E followed the other passengers (who seemed to be better 
posted than we was) into the dining-car. They give us a 
seat, and handed me a tract to read. I handed it to Clarissa, 
and told her I was too hungry to read tracts — I’d read it after break- 
fast. The waiter said it wasn’t a tract, but a bill of fare for me to 
order my breakfast from. 

“ Oh ! ” said I, “ I didn’t know that. Well, never mind that now ; 
Clarissa can get her breakfast out of it if she wants to, but you can 
just bring me a good, square breakfast. Any good, common vict- 
uals, such as you use every day, will do me. 1 don’t want you to 
put yourselves out on my account ; only bring me enough of it, for 
1 am pretty hungry.” Clarissa read every word of her bill of fare, 
and then said she didn’t exactly understand all of it, but she would take 
“beefsteak with toadstools, and some chicken a la fricka with cran- 
berry sass, and some — some — some pancakes a la — say ! waiter, 
what is that other word?” “Francaise; it means French style.” 

m/ 

“Oh, yes,” said Clarissa, “ I know what it means, but my eyesight is 
a little poor, and I couldn’t quite make out the word ; well, I’ll take 
some of them, and some of that stuff there (pointing the waiter 
to another word that her eyesight was too poor to make out), and 
some coffee, and I guess that’s all,” and the waiter started for the 
other end of the car, where they do the cooking. 

After he had gone, I said to Clarissa, “ What did you pretend 
to that nigger you understood that stuff you read, when you didn’t 
know what it meant any more than I know Greek?” 



164 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


“ Well, Benjamin,” said she, “ what is the use of my confessing I 
was ignorant to that waiter, when I could just as well lay it onto my 
eyes as not? ” 

“ Well, in the first place, that is shamming in a small way, and you 
despise that kind of business as much as I do, and then you don’t 
fool the nigger a mite, for he knows you don’t know anything about 
French, and it b mgs you down even in the estimation of the nigger, 
for he'll know you are pretending to know something you don’t 
know.” 

The car was beautiful inside; looking-glasses all around, every- 
thing nice. While they was getting our breakfast ready, the land- 
lord of the car handed us a plate of. grapes and oranges, and they 
was first-rate. Pretty soon the waiter came with our breakfast. 
Clarissa got her bill of fare breakfast, and 1 got a good, square 
breakfast. Mine was better than her’n, for there was more of it. I 
got some good pancakes, and I’ll be blamed if 1 could see any differ- 
ence between them and her pancakes a la Francaise. 

We had a mighty good breakfast, and told the landlord he set a 
good table, and started to go back to our car, when he said I hadn’t 
paid for my breakfast. I told him I guessed 1 had ; I pulled out 
my tickets and showed them to him, and then I pulled out the ad- 
vertisement of the company, and showed it to him. 

He smiled, and said that the company would no doubt do as they 
agreed to, but that the dining-car was run by an independent com- 
pany, and not by the excursion company ; that I had no ticket 
among those I bought in Syracuse that entitled us to meals; that I 
would have to pay him for what meals I got, and he would give 
me draw-back checks for each meal paid for, and when I got to San 
Francisco I could present them at the company's office there and 
have the money all refunded. 

“ Yes, just so,” said I ; “ this is another Christian act. Well, here 
is your money,” at the same time getting the change out of my 
vest pocket that the poor little newsboy gave me in Buffalo. “ How 
m uch is it ? ” said I. 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


165 


He said it was seventy-five cents apiece. 

“ Whew ! ” said I, “ it’s a good breakfast, but it’s a dumb big 
price for it.” I handed him the change — a one-dollar piece and a 
fifty-cent piece. He examined them closely, and then threw them 
on the table, and handed them back to me, saying, 

‘‘Those are both counterfeit, sir — good for nothing.” 

1 was perfectly dumbfounded, and explained to the landlord 
how I got them. He said he had no doubt of the truth of my state- 
ment ; that it was an everyday occurrence at that depot. I asked 
him if they didn’t have policemen at the depot in Buffalo. 

“ Oh yes,” he said. 

“Well, then,” said I, “why don’t they arrest them little 
villains ? ” 

“ Because,” said he, “ they get part of the swag.” 

I paid him good money for our breakfast, and went to our car. 
When I get back to Buffalo I am going to have that little scamp 
arrested, if it takes me a week. 1 wouldn’t be a bit surprised if he 
wasn’t some relative of Jim Teeters’. 

When we got back to our car they had got the beds all put out 
of sight somewhere, but I couldn’t see where they went to, and the 
car looked fine. We got nicely seated and Clarissa had adjusted 
her gold-bowed specs, preparatory to reading that one-month-pld 
paper I bought of that little villain, when an old gentleman sitting 
in the seat right in front of us turned round, and with a voice that 
sounded like wind blowing through an ivory fine-comb put up 
against a hole in a window-glass, said, — 

“Good-morning; it’s a fine day. Are you going very far out 
this way?” 

I replied that we intended to go as far as the lay of the land 
and the contingent fund would allow us. In other words, the Pa- 
cific Ocean was our present boundary, geographically speaking, and 
a reasonable purse our financial limit; and unless the Ketchum, 
Holdem & Skinem Company didn't rob us of every dollar I had, 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


i 66 

that me and wife Clarissa (pointing to her at the same time), intend' 
to pillow our heads on the sunny coast of the great Pacific, and see 
if our dreams will be like the old forty-niners; that we are engaged 
in the occupation of picking gold dollars off the bushes, and loading 
them into ships to be transported back to the land of their nativity. 

“ Well, I am glad you are going out there, for that’s just where 
1 am going, too,” said he. 

“I supposed so," I replied, “and I suppose all the passengers 
on this train are bound for the same place — California.” 

The old gentleman had a long, narrow, rounding face, large, 
gray eyes, a large, crooked nose, the end of which swelled out like 



THE OLD INQUISITOR. 


a feeding-bottle, and was ornamented on the left side with a huge 
seed- wart. His complexion was between a carroty and a strawberry 
color, and his face was surrounded by a deep fringe of white whis- 
kers, Horace Greeley style. He skewed himself around in the seat, 
so he could get a good look at us, and opened out the following 
conversation : 

“ I’ve got a son and two sons-in-law living out in that country, 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


167 

and I haint seen ’em for a long time, and when I found out this excur- 
sion was going to take folks through to California so cheap, I 
thought I’d better go out and see the chidren once more before I 
died. You see, I’m getting pretty well along in years; I’ll be sev- 
enty-seven years old if I live to see a year from the 31st of next 
May. I live in Vermont, up in Windham County, and I was down 
to Albany visiting my wife’s brother, when I heard of this excursion, 
and concluded I’d go, so I wrote up home to my son Thomas, who 
is running my farm, to sell off half a dozen cows and an old kicking 
mare I have been wanting to sell for a good while, and send me the 
money, as I was going to California. 

“ I got the money last Saturday, and now I’m on the way there, 
but I’ll be goll-darned if I can see through this scheme of charging 
us a hundred dollars extra for our tickets, and then give us a draw- 
back check, can you?” 

I said I didn’t at first, but the agent at Syracuse explained it to 
me, and under his explanation (which I gave to the old gentleman) 
I thought it was a Christian act ; however, since we got aboard of 
this train I have seriously doubted the Christian motive, and I am 
inclined to think it is a sort of “ an s. s. arrangement.” 

“ ‘ An s. s. arrangement?’ ” said he. “ What is that ?” 

I told him it was a “soft snap” for the K., H. & S. Company; 
however, we could tell better when we got through. 

I found we had got a very inquisitive neighbor. In two straight 
hours he had told us his entire family history and given us the line 
of his pedigree as far back as he could get, and then he began a 
series of questions with a view to investigating my record and etcet- 
era, but I declined to be put into the witness box. Clarissa got him 
engaged in a argument on the temperance question. Somehow or 
other she thought she could see behind that red face and bottle 
nose a whole distillery, and she just fired shot after shot of good 
sound temperance logic at him, and got the best of him ever)^ time, 
and completely downed him. He took his little satchel and went 


i68 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


into the men’s wash-room end of the car, and in a few minutes 
returned, and his breath smelled as though he had opened a door 
to a country tavern. Across the aisle, at the other end of the car, 
four gentlemen had got a table put up between them and was play- 
ing cards. They seemed to enjoy themselves very much, and 
seemed to be pretty smart men. I always supposed that no one but 
gamblers played cards, but I have learned in the few days I have 
been away from home that real good ladies and gentlemen play 
cards for amusement. Clarissa’s cousins, the Buzzbees, at Syra- 
cuse played cards, and they belong to the Methodist Church. I told 
Clarissa I was going to learn to play, and then I would learn her how 
to play, and we could have considerable sport evenings and other 
times when we hadn't got anything else to do. Clarissa said she 
hadn’t a mite of objection to my learning to play cards if I wanted 
to, but as for her, she hadn’t got any time to fool with cards, for she 
had more reading on hand than she could manage to attend to. 

1 went over where they was playing and said “Gentlemen, 1 
don’t want to be impolite, but I would kinder like to watch you 
play, if you have no objection.” 

“ Certainly not,” they responded ; and one of them very politely 
offered me his hand and place in the game. 

1 thanked him, and told him that I didn’t know one card from 
another, and never tried to play any game with them. That my 
name was Benjamin Morgan, from Morganville, Blank County, State 
of New York ; that 1 never traveled any ; never was fortv miles 
away from home before this trip in all my life ; that me and my wife 
had been tolerable saving in our lives, and had got quite a little ahead 
and thought we would take a trip to California and around the 
country some. 

I had made up my mind to learn what I could, and I was going 
to learn how to play cards so we could have a little amusement to 
home with the children and neighbors. ♦ 

One of the gentlemen, a very nice-looking fellow, and dressed 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 169 

real nice and who I judged must be pretty well off, as he had an 
elegant gold watch and chain, says : 

“ Here Uncle Benjamin/’ 

“ That’s right! that’s right!” said I. “ Where did you ever see 
me before? I don’t remember of ever meeting: you before.” 

He replied that he had never met me before, and wanted to 
know why I thought he had. 

“ ’Cause,” said I, “every one calls me Uncle Ben at home, and I 
didn’t know how you knew my name was Uncle.” 

“ Oh,” says he, “that’s nothing. Whenever 1 meet a man that I 
can see at the first glance is an honest man, plain, frank and generous } 
unsuspecting, unassuming, and that can’t play the part of a hypocrite 
because he is so honest by nature that he thoroughly despises hy- 
pocrisy, I always call him Uncle . I do so as a compliment, and that 
brings him into the closest relationship to me that it is possible, 
without including him 4 in the direct family line. And as I saw by 
the first glance that you were such a noble, true man, I could not re- 
sist the desire to call you Uncle . I hope you are not offended ?” 

“ No sir,” I replied, “ not at all. 1 thank you for the compli- 
ment.” 

“ Well, then, Uncle Benjamin, I have no doubt you are on your 
way, like all the rest of 11 s, to California?” 

I informed him that that was my destiny. 

“ Well, it’s a long trip, and we might as well all get acquainted 
and enjoy ourselves.” 

I told him I fully acquarificated in his views of the situation. 

“ Now,” says he, “you just sit down here in my place and I'll 
learn you how to play.” So I sat down in his seat. “ Mr. Morgan,” 
said he, “my name is Richard Smooth ; I am from Providence.” “ Is 
that so?” said I, and l jumped up and clasped his hand in a most 
cordial manner, and then I examined his hand very closely. Said 
he, “ Uncle Benjamin, what do you find so peculiar about my hand ?” 
“Nothin’ in particular, only I’ve heard George Waddles and the 


1 70 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


other Methodists down in our village say so much about the hand of 
Providence. If anybody dies around there, the ‘ hand of Provi- 
dence’ has something to do with it. If anybody prospers, the ‘ hand 
of Providence has blessed the prosperous party, and I have always 
had a strong desire to see the ‘ hand of Providence ,’ but of all places 
1 should look for it, the last place would be on an excursion train, 
managed and operated by the Holdem, Ketchem and Skinem Com- 
pany, but here I’ve found it, and now I hold in my hand the ‘ hand of 



THE “HAND OF PROVIDENCE.” 


Providence .’ It looks just like anybody’s hand, but it’s awful smooth 
and soft.” 

“ Uncle Benjamin,” he said, “ don’t get the wrong impression. 
The hand of Providence the Methodists down in your village refer 
to belongs to another party entirely ; he is from another Provi- 
dence. I’m from Providence, Rhode Island. The party your Meth- 
odist friends refer to, has never even visited the city I am from.” 
\ ou can imagine my great disappointment in having all those 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


171 


bright fancies and delights that was for the moment dancing in my 
heart, and holding high carnival within its realm, suddenly dashed 
to pieces by the real owner of that section of human anatomy I was 
at that moment clinging to. I felt myself relax into a withering and 
lifeless piece of clay. However, I regained my usual calm habit in 
a few minutes, when I asked his pardon for my ignorance, and as- 
sured him I meant all right. He then introduced me to the other 
gentlemen, as Dr. Montee, of New York City, Thomas Three, of 
Lowell, Massachusetts, nephew of B. B., and Jackson Kard, of 
Montreal, Canada, a very successful speculator. Who would ever 
have dreamed that the plain, homespun Benjamin Morgan, of Mor- 
ganville, Blank County, New York, who less than a week ago was 
stripping ten cows and a heifer every night and morning, was now 
sitting in a elegant palace car in company with four highly educa- 
ted and polished gentlemen from different States and nations, 
Messrs. Smooth, Three, Kard and Montee, and the gentleman from 
Providence trying to learn me the mysterious and highly interesting 
art of playing cards. He proceeded to inform me that the game they 
was playing at that time, was Seven-up , or what used to be called 
Old Sledge. “ Now, uncle Beniamin, they will deal off six cards 
apiece and as you are the first player at the left hand of the dealer, 
you have the privilege of begging, if the trump don’t suit you, 
or standing your hand if it does suit you. Well, there ! don’t you see 
he has turned a spade; now spades are trumps, and you have got a 
good hand ; there is the ace, the king, the jack and deuce; you want 
to stand your hand ; you will make four times on that hand ;” and 
so he went on, trying to learn me the game, but I couldn’t get a 
mite of head or tail to it. “ I am too stupid to ever learn this game,” 
said I, “ and I am just spoiling the game for the rest of you, and I’ll 
get up.’' “ No, no! Uncle Benjamin, you are doing splendid. I 

never saw a beginner do so well; did you, boys?” said Mr. 
Smooth, and all joined in the chorus, “No, never. He has beaten 
us this game, already.” And I was just big enough fool to keep 


172 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


on trying to learn. But the more I tried, the more I became dis- 
gusted with it, and Dr. Montee said, if Mr. Morgan didn’t care to 
play any longer they ought not to insist. “ Oh ! certainly not/’ they 
all responded, and we quit just as the same nigger come through the 
car, hollering, “Dinner is now ready in the dining car, forward, ” 
I took Clarissa to dinner and I told her all about these nice gentle- 
men, and she shook her head and said, “ Benjamin, you had better 
let them men alone ; there is something, 1 don’t know what it is, 
but something or other tells me that they don’t mean you any 
good, and I'd advise you to have nothing to do with them.” 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


1 73 


CHAPTER XVII. 

E had a fine dinner, and as I had to pay seventy-five cents, I 
concluded I'd eat all I could at dinner, then I wouldn’t get 
any supper, and in that way I would save seventy-five cents. 
Things went on the usual way ; we had a splendid dinner. I tried 
the bill of fare arrangements, but I confess I don’t like that way of 
getting my victuals. I’d rather have ’em bring me the best they 
have got in the house, without a bill of fare, than to spend twenty 
minutes or half an hour in trying to find the best they’ve got, and 
then run a risk of getting fooled on a good share of it that I can‘t 
fully understand. I may get used to it before we get home. 

While we was eating dinner, Clarissa and I talked together 
considerable, and she kept an eye on those four new acquaintances 
of mine. When we went back to our car, she said she believed 
them fellows was sharpers. 

“Oh! no,” says I, “they are all fine gentlemen. That fellow 
there, sitting next to the window, with that large red moustache, is 
Dr. Montee of New York City, and that gentleman with a gray 
moustache and keen, black eye, sitting in the same seat with the 
Doctor, is Judge Three, of Lowell, Massachusetts, and that fellow 
with his back to us, is Jackson Kard, frony Montreal, Canada.” 

Just at this moment Mr. Smooth approached me, saying, — 

“ Uncle Benjamin, wouldn’t you like to join us in a social game 
of cards? I’ll learn you a new game.” 

Says I, “ Mr. Smooth, let me make you acquainted with my 
wife, Clarissa.” 



i/4 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


Mr. Smooth was very polite, and done his level best to make 
himself agreeable to Clarissa, but she acted very cold, almost frigid. 
1 was ashamed of her, but Mr. Smooth didn’t seem to mind it a par- 
ticle. He settled down into the seat in front of us, and began talk- 
ing to that wife of mine just as if he had known her forever, and 
finally he got her interested in talking history. He seemed to know 
something of everything ; he was a regular walking, talking and 
acting encyclopedia. 

While Mr. Smooth was entertaining Clarissa, Dr. Montee mo- 



“ SHE ACTED VERY COLD, ALMOST FRIGID.” 


tioned with his hand for me to come over to his seat. I done so, 
and the Doctor become very interesting to me. He was telling 
about his travels in this, that and the other country. Presently Mr. 
Smooth returned to his friends and said, — 

“ Mr. Morgan, wouldn’t you like to learn another game of cards ? 
We can learn you a very simple game, the easiest learned of any 
game with cards. It is called ‘ Poker,’ ” and he went on to explain 
it all to me. He showed me how four aces could beat anything, 
and how four kings could beat four queens, and four queens could 
beat four jacks and so on, and that three of a kind could beat two 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


i/5 

pair, and a flush could beat threes, and a full hand could beat a flush, 
etc., etc. I thought I could see into that right away. After I thought 
I could understand it pretty well, Jackson Kard proposed that 
we try our luck on a few games. 

“Well,” said I, “if Mr. Smooth will stand by and assist me, 1 
don’t mind if I try a few games.” 

It was my turn to deal. I dealt 'em all round. Judge Three, 
my left hand neighbor, said : 

I’ll anty one dollar, call two dollars.” 

Said I, “What do you mean about bringing your aunt into this 
game for one, two or any number of dollars? What has she got to 
do with this game any way?” I begun to feel a little indignant, but 
Mr. Smooth explained it all to me so I understood it all right. 

After they all got around and called for what new cards they 
wanted to fill their hands with, I didn’t bet anything, for I didn’t have 
a very good hand, but when the other fellows dealt I got first rate 
good hands, and I won several small bets of five or ten or fifteen 
dollars, and once or twice I lost a little. Pretty soon, when Dr. 
Montee was dealing, he dealt me four aces and a queen. When Mr. 
Smooth saw my hand, he whispered to me that I had the best hand 
it was possible to get, and to just make a heavy bet, for I would 
surely win. So I said, “ I’d bet $100.” Dr. Montee said, “ I’ll see 
you and raise you fifty.” Smooth whispered to me to see him and 
raise him fifty more, that would be $200. 1 done as Smooth thought 

best, as he was my assistant. I thought if I could win a couple of 
hundred dollars from some fellows that was determined to lose it 
any way, it would kinder make me even in case the H., K. & S. Com- 
pany’s agent in San Francisco should try to beat me, so I said, “ I 
would raise the Doctor fifty more.” The Doctor regretted he 
could not see me at $200, as $150 was all the change he had. Most 
of his money was in drafts on the Chemical Bank of New York. 
He always considers it safer to carry his money when taking long 


i/6 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


trips like this, in drafts, which he could get cashed at any time at 
any of the banks. 

He produced one of his drafts; it was for five hundred dollars. 
He said, “ Mr. Morgan, if you have got that amount of currency 
about you, and will cash it for me, I’ll meet you in your bet on $200.” 
I thought it over, I thought it was just the same as money, and I was 
sure to win his $200. So I said, “ Gentlemen, I don’t know any- 



“ BENJAMIN MORGAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?” 


thing about it, whether the bank is good or not.” “ Oh, yes,” they 
all responded, “that is the best bank in New York City. If you 
wish to accommodate the Doctor, we will indorse the draft with 
him.” So I said, “ Well, gentlemen, you indorse the draft and I’ll 
give you the money for it.” 

Just at that moment Clarissa (who had been watching us) came 
up where we was, and in a searching manner and a Major-General 





EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. I 77 

tone of voice, said : “ Benjamin Morgan, what are you doing here? 

What are you pulling your money out here in this manner for?” 

I explained to her what had been done, and what was about to 
be did. She said : 

“ Well, you put your money in your pocket, and let that piece 
of paper alone, and let these men alone, and come along with me to 
our seat.” 

I said, “ Gentlemen, I am sorry to disappoint you, and sorry 1 
couldn’t play this hand out, for you can all see I would have won 
it (at the same time showing my hand by throwing it on the table), 
but when my wife Clarissa speaks in that manner, it settles it be- 
yond any question, and all further debate is unnecessary.” 

I left ’em and went to my seat with my garden angel, as she 
proved to be on this as on former occasions. She told me after we 
was seated in our own bedroom end of the car, that them fellows 
was all regular gamblers and blacklegs, and that Smooth was the 
leader of the gang, that the draft 1 was about to give them five 
hundred dollars for was worthless, altogether likely a forgery, and 
by my getting my money out before them exposed what 1 had, and 
if they had got the $500 they would get the rest before they left 
me. “ Now, you mark my word they’ll get that money from you 
yet, unless you keep away from ’em.” 

I told her I wouldn’t play cards with ’em any more, and I’d be 
dumbed if I’d play another card if that was the kind of company 
it got me into, but I couldn’t believe them fellows was rascals. 

I had, in a long pocketbook that I carried in the inside pocket 
of my coat, $1,150. I knew just the amount, as I counted it all over 
at Buzzbee’s house in Syracuse, when I was putting on my breeches. 
I got one gallus on, and just happened to think that I’d better fix my 
money and know just how much I had ; and I didn’t wait to hitch 
up ’tother gallus, but counted over and put $1,150 in this book. It 
was a new one that I bought the day before in a store on Salina 
street. My old one was about wore out and not much account, and 
l kept $300 in my old book that I carried in my breeches pocket. 


i ;3 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


While Clarissa was talking to me she noticed that there was a 
button coming off my new coat and a place under the sleeve where it 
was ripped about three inches. So she says : 

“ Benjamin, if you'll take off your coat I'll mend that before it 
gets so dark 1 can’t see.” She got a spool of thread and a thimble 
out of her pocket while 1 pulled off my coat. 

“ Oh say, Benjamin,’’ said she, “did you buy that paper of 



needles for me that I asked you to in Syracuse? 1 forgot to ask you 
for ’em before.” 

“ Yes,” said 1, “ here they be, I think,” and I pulled out my old 
pockethook and handed it to her, and said I put them there. I thought 
I’d go and wash while she was fixing my coat, as it was pretty nigh 
supper time. 

When I had finished my toilet operations and returned to my 
seat, Clarissa had the coat all mended and held it up for me to put 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


179 


on, and gave me the pocketbook, which I shoved down my right 
hand breeches pocket, where I always carry it. 

We was now approaching Cleveland. Mr. Smooth came to me 
and in a very polite way asked me if I wouldn’t like to take a walk 
around the depot a few minutes, as the train would remain there 
twenty or thirty minutes. I felt kind o’ tired of being boxed up in 
that car all day, and just wanted a chance to get out a little while, 
and said, “If Clarissa is willing, I’ll go along with you.” Clarissa 
said she didn’t care, but she wanted me to remember what she told 
me. “ All right,” I told her. 

We had at this time arrived in the depot, and I joined company 
with the four fine gentlemen for a walk around the building. Pretty 
soon we saw a big crowd around the ticket window, and some one 
was talking terrible loud, and it looked as if there was going to be 
a big fight. All the gentlemen said, “ Let’s hurry up and see the 
fun.” So I rushed up with the rest of them, and in less than two 
minutes I was jammed right into the middle of the crowd. I 
couldn’t get out, for the crowd kept getting bigger and bigger 
every minute. My friends and I got scattered, and when I got out 
of that crowd our conductor was hollering, “ All Aboard /” I made 
quick time for the train and got on the steps just as the train was 
moving. There stood Clarissa on the platform, looking pale and 
trembling. I asked her what was the matter. 

She said, “ Oh, Benjamin, I have been so anxious for your safety 
that I’m all unstrung. 1 watched you from the moment you left the 
car until I lost sight of you in that horrible crowd. I was so afraid 
something would happen to you, or you’d get left!” 

“ Well, I’ll be dumbed if I wasn’t afraid I’d get left. I never 
was caught in such a jam as that before, and I never intend to be 
again.” 

Says she, “ Where are your friends?” 

“ Goll dumb it,” said I, “ I'll bet a cent they are right in that 
crowd now and can’t ^et out. Now that’s too darned bad.” I hoi- 

O 


i8o 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


lered to the conductor and asked him if he wouldn’t stop the train 
and back up to the depot — that those four gentlemen was left. 

Said he, “ Do you mean those four fellows you was playin’ 
cards with ?” 

‘ Yes,” said 1. 

“Oh, well, don’t worry about them ; they didn’t intend to go 
any further. Their tickets was'for Cleveland.” 

“Well, but they told me they was on their way to California, 
and was glad I was going along so they could have my company.” 



“ Well, sir, that gang have been on their way to California for 
the last half dozen years, but they never get any nearer California 
than Chicago, nor much further from that golden State than Buf- 
falo. I have no doubt they was glad of your company ; they are 
quite a lonesome class of fellows — always trying to make new ac- 
quaintances. Generally they pick farmers. The more honest the 
farmers seem to be, the more readily do they select them for ac- 
quaintance.” 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


181 


“ Well, I'd like to know how they can tell farmers from anybody 
else on the train ?” 

The conductor smiled and said: “ That is a puzzler. I can’t 
exactly explain the art, but somehow or other anybody that has 
traveled much can pick a farmer out on a train of cars every time. 
I don’t know how it’s done, unless it’s because they pick the honest 
looking ones. But my friend, I haven’t time to talk with you any 
longer, as 1 have a heavy train to look after. You may discover why 
those fine gentlemen didn’t get on again.” 

Supper was called for the dining car, and although I thought I 
would make a big dinner do for supper also, I was just as hungry 
as if I hadn’t had dinner. So we went to supper. We gave our 
orders for supper, and while the waiter was gone Clarissa and I 
talked about what had happened, and I asked her if she could un- 
derstand it, She replied with an expression of pity behind a veil 
of sarcasm : 

“ Benjamin, I admire your honesty, but 1 am getting pretty 
tired of your simplicity. 1 knew you was a honest and well-mean- 
ing man when 1 married you, and I thought in time you might learn 
something, and that after a while I might be proud of you. Some- 
times I think l am, and sometimes 1 know I aint. Ever since we left 
Syracuse you have acted foolisher and foolisher. 1 thought I'd let 
you go and have your own way, and would have done so had I not 
seen you in the act of giving- away our money, and also doing still 

J O J j 7 O 

worse, trying to get their money from them just because they cal- 
culated wrong on some cards. 'Then I thought it was the duty a 
wife owed to her weaker half to save him from loss of money, and 
from the temptation the Devil always holds out, Money ! Money ! 
to take you away from them. 

“ I don’t think it would take much to pick you out, the way you 
have been acting to-day. Now, I want you to steady down and act 
like a man becoming one of your years.” The waiter had already 
spread a delicious supper before us ; we had supplied the cravings 


182 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


of our appetite and arose from the table. I put my hand into my 
right hand breeches pocket, to get my money to pay for our sup- 
per, and my pocketbook was gone. I felt in t'other breeches pocket 
but it wasn’t there, then I felt for my long pocketbook in my 
coat pocket and it was gone. I felt in every pocket I had, but not 
a sign of either pocketbook. 

“Clarissa,” said 1, in great excitement, “I’ve been robbed! 
I’ve been stolen! I've been waylaid! I’ve been murdered! No, no, 
not murdered, but everything else ; what shall I do? I haven’t got a 
dollar, nor a ticket of any kind, nor a drawback check of any kind; 
they were all in them two pocketbooks,” and trembling like a poplar 
leaf in a September gale I sank into a seat and was about to faint 
away, when the conductor came along and inquired what was the 
matter. They told him, and he said he thought I'd find out why 
the four fine gentlemen didn’t get on again at Cleveland. That 
made me a little mad, and I spunked up some. Clarissa paid for 
the supper out of some of her private money. I told the conductor 
I didn’t know what to do, for my tickets was gone, and I hadn’t got 
a dollar to get back with. The conductor said he would carry us 
through to Chicago any way, and then I could telegraph home for 
money. 

We went back to our car ; Clarissa didn’t seem to worry a mite, 
but seemed to enjoy my discomfort. I said to her that we would 
have to get back home, some way, from Chicago. She plainly said 
in a cold and unsympathizing voice, that if I wanted to go back to 
Morganville and be the laughing stock of that whole country l could 
go, but she wouldn’t go one step back until she had pillowed her 
head in California and dreamt her dream. I asked her if she meant 
what she said. She informed me in a very decided manner that she 
did ; when I saw there was no room for doubt, I asked her how she 
expected to get through ? She said she knew several rich folks in 
Chicago, and she intended to stop there two or three weeks and 
visit, and she would borrow enough from them to take her through 



spill 






“ NOT A SIGN OF EITHER POCKET BOOK.” 




EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


I8 5 


if necessary. I asked her if she thought she could borrow enough 
to get me through too. She said she didn’t suppose she could. I 
was now on the saw-tooth edge of despair, and felt as if some one 
was liable any minute to move the edge and cut me into fragments. 
I told Clarissa I didn’t know where to sleep to-night as I hadn’t got 
enough to pay for my lodging nor hers. She said it was good 
enough for me, it might learn me the lesson she give me in Syracuse, 
viz., “ to keep my mouth shut and eyes wide open, and know where 
my pocketbook was. Them fellows played you for a S. S. and 
took you in.” She kept on torturing my half-crazed brain with 
such cold remarks, and even went so far as to ask me if I didn’t want 
to exchange photographs with my highly educated friends, Smooth, 
Three, Kard and Montee, and take their address. I told her that I 
should be highly pleased just at the present time to have their pho- 
tographs and address; 1 thought I could make good use of them. 

She said she had got money enough to pay for our beds, and 
we would be in Chicago in the morning, and for me to go up stairs 
to bed and go to sleep, and perhaps in the morning I’d know some- 
thing. I always knew her superiority over me in point of intellect 
and perception, but never before did I have that complete feeling 
that she was the master and I the under dog . I went to bed accord- 
ing to her orders, but 1 didn’t go to sleep according to her orders. 
I never slept a wink all night. The whole experience of the day 
and evening passed before me like a great panorama; there it was 
all painted out ; the car, the old inquisitor, the four gentlemen, the 
slick Mr. Smooth and the mistaken “ hand of Providence,” the 
game of seven up, the simple but very interesting game of poker, 
the bets, the hand of four aces and a queen, the bet of $100, the 
raise of fifty, my raise back, the draft for five hundred dollars, Clar- 
issa’s timely interference, the exposure of my money, the invitation 
to walk in the Cleveland depot, the walk, the crowd, the horrible 
jam I was in, the close connection made with the moving train, the 
interview with the conductor, the episode at the supper table, Clar- 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


i 86 

issa as my master and I obeying her orders, and now tumbling and 
rolling on an attic bed trying to do what it was impossible for me 
to do, sleep. All this moved by me under the glare of a strong 
electric light, in less time than it takes to tell it, and then passed 
backward under a red light, then back again under a green light, 
and again it rolled by under a blue light, when 1 spoke out so loud 
as to wake Clarissa up and said, “ Damn that panorama.” 

Clarissa spoke up and said, “ Benjamin, you let the panorama 
alone and go to sleep ; it ain't a panorama, any way ; it's my curtain 
you are shoving one way and another.” 

After what seemed to me a month’s time had elapsed, day- 
light broke the horrid, dismal night, and I climbed down and washed 
up. As I finished, we was pulling into Chicago. It seemed to me 
we was over an hour from the time we got to where the houses 
was thick till we got into the depot. In the frenzied condition of 
my mind, I wrote the following ode to myself. I wrote it on the 
starched part of my shirt bosom . 

“ Benjamin Morgan is a big fool, 

To allow himself to be a tool 

For gamblers and thieves, himself to plunder; 

Better always to have staid at hum, 

Than to go away on such a bum.’ 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 



CHAPTER XVIII. 

E had left the train and was standing in the great depot of 
the great Lake Shore & Rock Island Railroad, in the very 
heart of the great city of Chicago. Like the babes in the 
woods, we didn’t exactly know which way to go, and I didn’t care 
much which way I went. All I wanted just then, was to go home 
and stay there, and let them travel and see the world that wanted 
to. For my part, I had had enough of it. 

Of course we couldn’t stay there. So Clarissa said we’d go to 
the Palmer House. She had read a great deal about it, and °he al- 
ways wanted to see it, and we would stay there one day, and she 
would inquire of Mr. Palmer where her friends lived, and then we'd 
hunt them up. So we followed the crowd along to the door on the 
right hand side, where we saw a policeman, or we supposed he was, 
as he was dressed in uniformity. We asked him if he could show 
us where the Palmer House was. He told us to take the second 
bus (pointing to it), and it would take us there. We got into the 
bus, but before they would take us afoot, we had to pay the fellow 
fifty cents apiece. Then the fellow started up and drove like fury 
up one street and down another, and around several more, and 
finally pulled up in front of a monstrous great big building, and said 
it was the Palmer House. 1 never saw such a big building before 
in my life. 

There was a nigger, standing at the door of the bus to take 
our things ; he had got Clarissa’s umbrella and reticule and was just 
taking my valise, when 1 happened to think it wasn’t locked, so I 



1 88 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


said, “ Look here, Mr. African, please wait a minute, I guess I'll 
take care of that valise myself. He politely handed it to me and 
trotted along ahead of us. 

I was looking up at the top of the portico where we was, seeing 
how awful pretty it was, and didn’t notice the steps until I tumbled 
over the bottom one and fell my whole length on the entry floor. 

I got up spry and felt ashamed enough. Clarissa said, “ Ben- 



“ BENJAMIN, WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?” 


jamin, what is the matter with you? Why don’t you look where 
you are stepping ? '* 

We went along into the end of the hall where the nigger give 
Clarissa a seat, and told me to go out into the office with him. She 
set down there while I went out around a big stairway into a mon- 
strous great big room, and up to a marble counter, behind which 
stood a smart looking young man with a pen in his hand, which he 
handed me, and shoved a book in front of me. 



EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


189 


I said, “ Good-morning, Mr. Palmer. I doiPt want your pen; 

I merely come in to ask you if it would be convenient for you to 
keep me and my wife a day or two, or until she found some of her 
friends here.” “ Oh, certainly,” he replied, “ but you take this pen 
and register your names, so that we can assign you rooms.” 

I shook my head noways, and said I’d go and see my wife first be- 
fore I put my name on the book. I went back where she was and 
told her how that it would be convenient for them to keep us, but 
that they wanted me to sign a big book, and l thought best to ask 
her opinion before signing. 

She said she would go with me and see what it was. So she 
went with me back to the counter in the office, and looked at the 
book. Then the smart looking young man, with a warm hearted 
smile, explained to Clarissa the object of our signing the book, and 
she said she guessed ’twas all right. So 1 wrote our names down, 
“ Benjamin Morgan and Clarissa., Morganville, N. Y.” The young 
man read the names over and said, “ Mr. Morgan, this is your wife, 
1 suppose ?” “ You supposed right, the first time, ’ said I, “ I don’t 

intend to go around the country with anybody else’s wife, so long 
as I’ve got a good one of my own.” He smiled and put down some 
figures behind my name, rung a bell on the counter, got a key out 
of a lot of boxes and handed it to a boy and said, “Show Mr. and 
Mrs. Morgan up to room 984.” 

The boy started, saying, “ Right this way, please,” and took us 
right back to where Clarissa was sitting, and presently a little house 
came sliding down a big hole in the wall, a door slid open, and a lot 
of folks walked out, then a lot walked in, and the boy told us to walk 
in, which we did. Then the little door was slid shut, and our room 
begun to go up. We passed story after story, and I was a little un- 
easy, and I said to the nigger that had his hand on a rope, “ When 
did you advertise this balloon ascension ? I hadn’t heard a word of 
it before. We was lucky to be here in time to go up in it. Where 
do you suppose the dumb thing will land ? I don’t care much where, 


/ 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


IQO 

only I aint been to breakfast, and I don’t want to have to walk too 
far before I get something to eat.’' 

By this time it had reached the ninth floor, and the nigger 
laughed, and said the balloon had landed, and we could get off. The 
door slid open, and the little boy with our things in his hand led us 
down a long hall and turned to the left, and went down another 
long hall an awful ways, then turned to the left again, and went half- 
way down that hall and took us into a large room on the right-hand 
side. 

Said I, “ Young boy, are we still in Chicago, or have we left 
the city ? ” 

“ Yes, sir,” said he, “you are still in Chicago, and still in the 
Palmer House ; you have not left the Palmer House since you first 
entered it.” 

“ Said I, “ Young boy, I don’t want to be imposed upon ; I don’t 
want you to lie to me ; I can’t believe that we are in the same tavern 
we first came into.” 

The boy pointed to a card that was tacked on the door, and 
said, “ Read that, if you think 1 am lying.” 

We read it. it said, “ Rules and Regulations of the Palmer 
House.” I was satisfied the boy was truthful, and he was about to 
leave, when I asked him how we could find our way out to the office, 
and where the dining-room was, and when breakfast would be 
ready ? 

He told us breakfast was on now, and we could eat any time 
we wanted to. He showed us a little white button in the wall near 
the door, and told us when we was ready for breakfast to press on 
that little button, and a waiter would come to show us wherever 
we wanted to go, and we shut the door and looked around the room. 
It was awful nice, but when we looked out of the window all we 
could see was the roofs of houses, and high, smoking chimneys ; as 
far as we could see, it was chimneys, roofs, and steeples. 

I set down while Clarissa done up her hair and changed her 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


I 9 I 

dress. 1 was blue as indigo. Clarissa could see by my dejected 
looks that I was feeling dreadful, and that unless 1 had a change in 
spirits my two feet would soon be meandering toward the grave- 
yard. 1 have no doubt that my melancholical countenance aroused 
her pity, for she came and threw both her white arms around my 
neck, pushed my face up with her hands, and planted two lovely 
kisses right on my dry and withering lips, and she spoke in a most 
cunning and loving manner, and said, “ Benjamin, don’t feel so bad 
any longer; we’ll go right on and finish our trip according to our 
original calculations, and will have a good time.” 

“ Yes,” said I, “ that’s well enough to talk, but where is the 
money coming from to do it ? ” 

Sa3'S she, “ I’ve got $1,150 right there in that book (hand- 
ing to me my new long pocketbook, with the contents in it just as 
I had fixed it at Buzzbee’s house), and here, rolled up in this paper, 
is 229 dollars and seventy-eight cents, and our tickets and drawback 
checks, the paper of needles, and all the other papers you had in 
your old pocketbook — every penny is saved.” 

I was completely dumbfounded. I jumped up and hugged her 
and kissed her fortv times or less, then 1 wanted to know how it 
was. 

“ Well,” says she, “ 1 was well satisfied that them fellows was 
scoundrels and was bent on getting your money away from you. I 
wanted you to learn a lesson, and was satisfied you had as good an 
opportunity to learn it then as you would ever have. I watched 
every move they and you made, and when you drew out your new 
long pocketbook I knew it had gone far enough. I then interfered 
and got you away from them. 1 got your coat to mend so I could 
slip out the new long pocketbook and take care of it. I got your 
other pocketbook to get the needles, and while you was in the wash 
room I took all the contents out of it, rolled them up in this paper, 
took some old newspaper and stuffed the pocketbook as full as usual 
and when you come in from the wash room I handed you the pock- 


1 



SHAMS 


OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


etbook, which you put into your pocket, and of which you was 
robbed last night by those rascals. I hope the lesson is one you wont 
forget, and you will be more careful in the future who you get ac- 
quainted with, and who you trust.” 

1 hugged and kissed her again, and said : “ Clarissa, you dear 
old soul, you have always proved yourself to be my garden angel, 
and this is the strongest proof I have ever had of it. I know you 
are garden and garden and garden me continually, and no one on 
earth or in heaven ever had a more gardener angel than you have 


C\ 



PALMER HOUSE. 


proved to be. And now, Clarissa, 1 have to confess my complete 
inability to take care of money. 1 confessed it to you after I got 
swindled in the hog business, and now I confess it again, and ask 
as a favor that you please take all the money and take care of it. 
Just give me each morning what amount you think I ought to have, 
and keep me from being swindled and robbed.” 





>93 


% 

EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


She said she would, and she counted out $8 and said I had 
better take that much as I would probably need considerable in go- 
ing round the city. 

My countenance underwent a change from indigo blue to the 
hottest kind of red in less than five minutes. I could have danced 
a hornpipe if I’d a knowed how, and had Lank Stevens to fiddle 
and call off for me. Our joy having become permanently estab- 
lished over our sorrow, and our toilet being completed, I pushed 
the button, and presently a waiter boy come and 1 asked him to 
show us to our breakfast room. He done so, bidding us to lock our 
room and take the key to the office if we went out, so it wouldn’t 
get lost. 

We went back the same way we come until we got to what I 
thought was a balloon, but which they told me was an elevator. We 
stepped inside the ele and slid down just as nice as butter in August 

i 

till we got to the parlor floor, when the waiter led the way and we 
followed around through a magnificent hall, the floors of which was 
covered with thick velvet, the walls most beautifully painted in ar- 
tistic designs, solid marble panel work on the sides, elegant massive 
fireplaces, and the largest looking glasses I ever saw, and on the side 
of the hall opened a number of elegant parlors, of which we only 
caught glimpses while on our way to the dining hall. We were now 
ushered into the dining hall by a portly and fine specimen of the 
African race. He was dressed in the very height of fashion; white 
vest and claw-hammer broadcloth coat, white gloves. He was very 
polite, and gave us choice scats at the head of a great square table. 
Presently another gentleman from Africa, with Methodist, minis- 
ter’s clothes on, handed us a bill of fare. I was so busy looking at 
that room, the wonderful paintings overhead, and the great marble 
floor, and tremendous big looking glasses, that I didn’t pay any at- 
tention to the bill of fare until the waiter whispered in my ear: 

“ Say, Clover, what are hogs worth ?” 

Says I, “ 1 sold mine to Jim Teeters for y/ x cents, but the 


*3 


194 


SHAMS; OK, UNCLE BEN’S 


dumb scamp cheated me, for they are worth 4 cents. But my 
name aint Clover. You’re wrong. My name is Benjamin Morgan, 
from Morganvillc, Blank County, New York. How the deuce did 
you know I was a farmer?” 

The nigger laughed, and said, “ By your honest countenance. 
But hadn’t you better order your breakfast?” 

“ Excuse me,” said I. “ Yes, just bring me a good hot break- 
fast — anything you have a mind to, only have enough of it.” 

He left and 1 showed Clarissa all the pretty pictures and things 
I saw, pointing out with my fork the most interesting points I dis- 
covered. The waiter returned in about half an hour with our break- 
fast, and my, it was good enough for a Vanderbilt or the Queen of 
England to set down to. Such a beefsteak 1 never tasted before. 

I asked him if Mrs. Palmer done the cooking in that house? 


He said, “ No.” “ Well,” said I, “ I didn’t ask to be impudent, but 
whoever cooked this breakfast is a dumb fine cook, and could get 
two dollars a week any r minute in our parts. I’d give her that my- 
self and send Mary off to school.” 

The nigger grinned all over, and said he'd tell the cook, and per- 
haps he’d like to get a place with me, and went out a laughing. 

After breakfast we looked through the house some and went 
down to the office and inquired of the young man behind the counter 
where Clarissa’s friends lived. She gave him the following names: 
“ Carter Harrison, 1 used to go to school with him, and we used to 
have pretty good times, but he used to be dreadful big feeling ; and 
Mr. Van Pelt, Mr. N. G. Rosster, Mr. A. W. Kinney, Dr. Butler, 
Mr. G. H. Olliver, Mr. Mucklevain, Miss Eudora Slick and Mr. Will 
Worthington.” 


“I can tell you where some of these live, 'and some I can't,” 
said the smiling young man. “Mr. Carter Harrison has an office in 
the Court House, or rather the City Hall, but y^ou’ll be more apt to 
find him around on Clark Street. You step into Mike McDonald's 
and he can tell you where you can find him in case you don’t see 


* 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


J 95 


him in the City Hall. He and Mike and the Hankin Bros, are real 
good friends, and they generally know where each other are most 
of the time. Mr. Van Pelt, (let’s see — George, do you know who 
Mr. V an Pelt is?” said he, addressing another clerk. 

“Yes, he is one of the County Commissioners,” was the reply. 

“Oh, yes, I know now, he is the fellow that has been connected 
with a good many fat jobs, and things in connection with county 
and city affairs. Well, Mrs. Morgan, it will be very difficult to find 
him, as the papers say he moves about considerable, and manages 
during the year to live in every ward in the city. I don't know 
whether this is true or not, as the papers tell a good many funny 
things about him and Carter, and Mike McD., and Joe Mackin, 
and Gallagher and all those old chums. I don't pretend to believe 
one-quarter I read in the daily papers. They print a lot of stuff 
one day so as to have material to correct in the next issue, and 
that enables them to fill up their columns at half expense. Mr. N. G. 
Rosster is one of Chicago's most successful Board of Trade opera- 
tors, and one of the wealthiest men in this city. He used to be a 
cattle dealer in a little town out West, but he made a very rapid 
march on to fortune. He has just completed one of the finest resi- 
dences in this city. I think it is down on Indiana Avenue. Mr. 
A. W. Kinney ; oh, yes, 1 know him well. He is one of the best 
artists in Chicago, and a royal good fellow ; he has a nice studio in 
the Lakeside building, right over here on Clark Street. Dr. Butler 
is operating the Chicago Sanitarium, a private hospital. Mr. G. H. 
Olliver? Yes, I know him. He is a fine fellow ; he is an old time 
missionary. 1 think he used to travel among the heathen in the far 
West. He is now in the wholesale wall paper business down on 
Wabash Avenue. He is very agreeable and wideawake, a regular 
Chicago man. He lives somewhere on the North Side, I don’t just 
remember where, but you take this City Directory and you will find 
just where any and everybody lives in the city, and where they can 
be found.” 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 



Clarissa took a card and she put down the names of all those 
she wanted to see, and then we found what street and number they 
lived in. Then we thought we’d take a walk a little while, and 
started out; we went out the front door of the hotel and we was on 
State Street. My, my, what a sight! I never saw such buildings in 
my life before, and such a wide street, and sidewalks that was dumb 
nigh as wide as a whole street in Syracuse. “ Why,” says I, “ Clar- 
issa, Syracuse haint no more to be compared with this city than our 
village is with Syracuse.” 

I got out on the corner of State and Monroe streets and thought 


I’d look up to the top of Mr. Palmer’s tavern, and while f was try- 
ing to count the windows up next to the roof, some dumb scamp 
run right into me and knocked me clean off my pins; and when I 
was down and looking to see how I came there, a ragged little vil- 
lain with papers hollered, “ Clover, ah there, stay there !” but I 
didn’t stay there worth a cent; I was on my feet in less’n a minute, 
and making for that little villain my best licks. 

Says 1, “ You little rascal, you are the same fellow that give me 
that counterfeit money in Buffalo. How in thunder did you get here 
so quick ?” 

He hollered at me, “ Say, Old Clover, come off from the load,” 
and I turned round and I’ll be darned if there wasn’t fifteen or twenty 
more just such looking little villains, all staring at me, some holler- 
ing, “ Mister, have a shine ? Shine for a nickel, Mister.” “ Morning 
Tribune, Times and Herald! Have a paper, Sir?” I was perfectly 
bewildered. They all pitched right at me, and there was hundreds 
of other folks oil the street, and they didn’t bother them. 

1 got back tu the corner where I had left Clarissa, and took her 
arm and said, “ Let’s go down this wav,” pointing north, though I 
didn’t know it was north at that time. We walked, but didn’t go 
very fast, for when we wasn’t stopping to look into store windows, 
there was such a crowd on the streets they kept knocking us one 
way and another. We walked about two blocks when we saw some 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 197 

cars moving- right down the middle of the streets, and not a thine 
to make ’em move— no horses, no engine— and nobody pushing ’em. 
That beat anything I ever saw. 

I saw one of them things dressed in uniformity. 1 went up to 
him and says, “Can you tell me what makes them cars go?” He 
looked at me a minute as though he thought l was a fool, and said, 
“ A cable, they are called cable cars ; there is a wire rope running 
under ground that is constantly in motion, and these cars attach 



themselves to that cable by means of a grip, that is operated by that 
man in the front; that is called the grip car.” 

Says I, “ How far does them cars go?” He said, “ About six 
miles.” I asked how much it cost to ride? He said, “Five cents 
each way.” Says I, “ Clarissa, let’s take a ride on ’em, we can get a 
dumb big ride and sec lots of the city for five cents apiece.” She 


198 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


thought as I did, so we got onto the grip car and took a front seat, 
so we could have a clean look at everything. We went as far as the 
cars went and come back with ’em. Well, it was the most interest- 
ing ride 1 ever had ; it was city, city, city on both sides of us, in 
front and behind us, and as far as we could see it was city except 
when we got down where the great Stephen Douglas lay pinned 
into the ground with a tremendous shaft of marble surmounted by 
a bronze statue of himself. There we could see considerable of 
Lake Michigan. 

We passed thousands of monstrous great stone houses, some 
with gray, some with brown, some with red stone fronts, and some 
brick. We passed a great fine stone building, with towers and 
turrets, standing in a yard by itself, up near the resting place of 
Douglas. They told us it was “ The Chicago University." Far- 
ther down on Cottage Grove Avenue, we passed a peculiar building, 
and asked the conductor what it was. “Well, Sir,” said he, “it 
isn’t generally known what that is, but people who live down this 
way and who pass it every day of their lives say it is a manufacturing 
establishment where they make little pill doctors. They call it 
‘Hahnemann College.’ They do quite an extensive business in the 
city, and I understand they have a number of orders from country 
towns for their doctors, and they manage to supply all their de- 
mands.” I told him I never heard of it before. “ Did you Clarissa ?” 
I asked. 

He said, “ You don't keep posted, I’m afraid.” 

“ Well, yes," Clarissa answered, “ I heard a woman in Syracuse 
saying she had a son they had been trying to educate for business, 
so he could help his father in the store, but the boy was so frail and 
tender the teacher said there wasn’t any use of trying him any 
longer. His health was too poor to put him at hard work, and being 
discouraged in trying to fit him for business they thought of one 
place he might be fitted for, and that was a little pill doctor. And so 
they sent him to this college. He is here now, and they say he is 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


*99 


doing fine, and expects to graduate this coming winter.” And 
Clarissa terminated her remarks by saying, “ That everything is 
designed to fill a proper place, and 1 suppose this institution sends 
out the necessary things to fill long felt vacancies.” 

We had made a turn onto a business street they called Twenty- 
second, and in a short distance turned again to the right, onto what 
they called Wabash Avenue. “ That large house is the Jewish Syn- 



agogue ;” a little further down we passed a large, square, lonesome 
looking building with a sign board circling over the front door, 
saying, “ Home of the Friendless.” I thought to myself that if ever 
there was a Christian act done by any one in this world, it was done 
by the persons who got up this institution, and who carry it on. 
Clarissa said she intended to visit that place before she left the city, 
as she had read a great deal about it. She said it was conducted 
and maintained entirely by free contributions. 




200 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


Says she, “ Just think of it, a place where a poor, moneyless, 
friendless woman or girl can go and be cared for, nursed and doc- 
tored in sickness and supported in health until such time as they 
can find self-support. I tell you, Benjamin, that if ever the hand of 
Providence was reached out to anybody, it certainly is reached out 
to poor friendless mortals in this city by the maintaining of that 
institution, and it’s the duty of every one that can spare a little to 
send it to that institution; and I’m going to give ’em ten dollars 
before 1 leave.” 

“Well,” said I, “you have struck my sentiments exactly, and 
to-morrow morning, when you count out what money you are going 
to allow me, just add ten dollars more to it, and I’ll give ’em as 
much as you do, I’ll be blamed if I don’t.” 

For l believe that all we can do in this world that is really 
and truly Christ-like, is to heal the sick, raise the fallen, care for the 
wounded both in flesh and spirit, wipe away the orphan’s tears, as- 
suage the widow’s grief, and in all the little things of everyday life 
do just as we would be done by. Some folks tell us that all this 
may be done, and still if we have not faith in certain creeds and dog- 
mas, we are the children of the evil one and heirs to perdition. 
Well, all 1 have to say is, that if the fruit does not give evidence of a 
right spirit, then let the cant religionists apply their brand, and burn 
it i i as deep as they please. 

I find 1 am philosophizing, which aint my intention, so I’ll re- 
sume about our car ride. We had now got down to the Panorama 
of the Battle of Gettysburg. Clarissa said, “Benjamin, I have 
read so much about that panorama, 1 do want to stop and see it.” 
So we asked the conductor if he had any objections to our getting 
off there. He gave his consent, and we went into the Battle of 
r Gettysburg. My! my! I'll never forget it as long as I live. 
How we got up on that hill, right in the thickest part of the 
fighting, I don’t know, and I’ll be dumbed if I can tell. We went 
up some dark, winding stairs, and all of a sudden we was right on 



\ 



EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


203 


top of a hill in bright daylight. The smoke of the battle seemed to 
curl up in our faces, and it seemed as though we could hear the 
moaning and groaning of the dying brave boys. And while Gen- 
eral Hancock on his black horse seemed to be in a commanding po- 
sition, I held my breath for five minutes in suspense, expecting just 
as much as could be that he would be the next to fall. Everything 
about it seemed so real, that we seemed to be fastened to the place. 
I never saw a battle, but I know that when we left that place I was 
as faint and nervous as if I had been fighting there. I don’t want to 
ever be any nearer a battle than that. I tell you, I don’t want to 
be shot all to pieces, and carried off behind an old straw stack or 
cow stable, and be sewed and glued together, even if every hair of 
my head, including my scatterin’ whiskers, had a flag of glory fly- 
in’ from the tips of them. Glory is a fine thing, but it don’t re- 
store life nor make new legs, and arms and eyes, nor mend shattered 
constitutions, nor give that vigor that long service in the army has 
taken from you, nor bring back again all the *well laid plans for a 
future that have been destroyed and forever banished from you. It 
is all well enough for ambitious or tricky politicians and avaricious, 
money-making schemers to get the country into trouble, and pre- 
cipitate a war, using any cause but the right one as a pretext, and 
then call upon the men of strength and vigor, in the country, to 
come out and fight, and prate about the glory there is in store for 
the heroes that will venture their lives and health to restore order 
and peace again, but you can just please excuse uncle Ben Morgan 
from taking a piece of glory off of that plate. I tell you, that all 
the flowers strewn upon the graves of our fallen dead, all the songs 
of praise to their noble deeds, and all the pretty things said about 
them is no more of a recompense to them for what they have suf- 
fered, and for the thousands that have had home and competence 
swept from them by the loss of their dear ones, than a handsomely 
executed and finely engraved certificate of membership to a defunct 
insurance company is to the victim who has dropped his thousands 


204 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


into its lap. I don't mean to be unpatriotic, nor do I, in any sense, 
fail to appreciate the benefits I receive from our country, but I had 
rather have my whole body, and my family, than to have a whole 
world full of glory , and not the former. 

Talk about recompense! If Uncle Sam would give to every 
single survivor of the late war, and to the families of every man 
that was killed, a home complete, worth not less than five thousand 
dollars, it wouldn’t be any more than a just recompense. Clarissa 
asked me how Uncle Sam could do it. I told her that was easy 
enough. Just let these congressmen and senators that prate and 
blow so much about patriotism and glory, just before election, go 
down to Washington, and for ten straight years do their best to make 
good, wholesome laws, and economize in all the expenses, and just 
take one-half off from their salaries and put it into a fund for the 
purpose 1 have mentioned, and without another dollar, every Union 
soldier living, and every dead soldier’s widow or family would have 
a home, paid for out of that fund, worth not less than $5,000, and 
our congressmen arid senators would be covered all over with glory, 
and future history would hold 'em up as specimens of humanity that 
the world never knew before, and in all probability never would 
again. 

If our Congress and Senate was to be governed by a law that 
compelled such a state of things, for the next ten years, I'll bet ev- 
ery dollar that my wife counts out for me to-morrow, that you 
couldn't possibly make up a Congress and Senate, and find a present 
member in the lot. 

Here, I am wandering off on some philosophical speculation. 
Seeing that Battle of Gettysburg set me to thinking, and just like 
a good many others, I've been thinking out loud. 

Well, after we came out of the battle, safe and sound and not 
a scratch on either one of us, we saw another train of cable cars 
coming along, and stopped them and got aboard, and away we 
went, spinning along down Wabash Avenue. It was a fine sight. 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


205 


Away down, as far as you could see, was two rows of mammoth 
structures, seeming to come together in a great distance beyond us, 
vehicles of every description passing to and fro in constant motion, 
and crowds on the sidewalk moving, some slowly, but most of them 
at a break-neck speed, backward and forward. It was so different 
from what it was on the old farm or even down to the village, that 
I got all fuzzed up. I was just bewildered with excitement. Pres- 
ently we took a turn up on to State Street, and I told the conduc- 
tor I’d give him an extra nickel if he’d stop at the Palmer House 
and let us off. He said he would, and in a few minutes he stopped 
his train and called out “ Palmer House !” Sure enough, we was 
there. I knew the place by two great big marble women (I sup- 
posed they was marble) sitting up over the big front door. We 
went into the office ; it was one o’clock P. M. I asked the clerk if 
we was too late for dinner. He told me we was just in time ; that 
meals was served in that house nearlv every hour from seven o’clock 
in the morning until twelve o’clock at night. So we went up to our 
room. We got so we could find the elevator, and after we was 
landed on our floor, we could find our room. 


20 6 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


CHAPTER XIX. 

W E had a splendid dinner. I used to think Clarissa could beat 
1 the world getting up fine dinners, but she can’t hold a torch- 
■ • light to such a dinner as we had. I was surprised ; honestly, 

we was an hour and a quarter to dinner, and was busy. I thought I’d 
try the bill of fare, and 1 started in with the whole bill, but 1 don’t think 



“WHILE I WAS RESTING CLARISSA WAS READING TO ME.” 


I got more’n half there was on that bill before I was as full as I could 
get, and I hadn't got down to pie and icecream, figs, raisins, nuts, 
cake, etc. I told the waiter to put that part away for me, where 
t’other boarders couldn't get it, and I’d have it at supper time. He 
smiled and said, “Yes, Sah.” I don’t think I ever ate so much in 
my life at one time. The sight in that dining room, the host of 


o 



EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


20/ 


people coming in and going out, the elegant tables, the army of 
African waiters that march in, in military style, the beauty of that 
room, and the grand dinner, was worth the whole expense of our 
trip so far. 

I had to go and lay down an hour after dinner, and while I was 
resting Clarissa was reading to me. She was reading about the 
anarchists and their trial, and the sentence the judge give 'em, and 
I tell you I think the judge was level-headed. I know there are 
some weak-kneed, sentimental, gushing kind of folks in the world, 
that say that a man shouldn’t be hung nor imprisoned for speaking 
and printing what he wants to, for this is a free country, where free 
speech and free press has the right of way. Well, I want to ask 
those people if a man should have a right to carry poison around 
and put it into the wells and cisterns of people, and thereby scatter 
death throughout the land, because this is a free country? Now, 
the anarchist doctrine that has been preached, and printed, and her- 
alded all over this land from ocean to ocean, and from the lakes to 
the gulf, is as rank poison to our laws and good order, as strychnine 
is to water and food, and if the one is a crime the other is equally 
criminal. Strychnine produces death ; and we follow out the intent 
of the criminal, who deliberately gives it to his fellow man for 
that purpose, and put a gallows with him swinging from it, at the 
end of it. We follow out the intent of these law and order poisoners, 
and we find murder of the foulest kind all along its line, premedi- 
tated murder, and we ought to have a gallows at the end of it. 
There is not one mite of sense in any way, shape or form, in all this 
sentimental sympathy for the condemned anarchists. 

I said to Clarissa, “ I’d like to see them criminals.” She said 
she had no desire to see ’em, but she would like to see the judge 
and the men that composed the jury before whom they were tried. 
1 shall always believe that Lawyer Grinnell and that judge and jury 
done the greatest deed for the benefit of Chicago, the State of Illi- 
nois and the whole United States, that has been done since the close 


208 


shams; or, uncle ben’s 


of the war. “ But," says 1, “ Clarissa, here we are up in this room 
talking about the anarchists, when we ought to be out around the 
city taking in the sights/’ She fully agreed that we ought to be 
going around town, and she put on her things and we went around 
to the ele — and took a ride away down to the bottom of Mr. 
Palmer’s tavern, and then walked out onto Monroe Street. There 
was a brass band riding through the street on a big, high wagon, 
and they were playing wonderful pretty music, and there was a 
great big cloth sign pinned onto the wagon, saying : “Fat Stock 
Show, at the Exposition Building.’’ 

That struck me as just the place Fd like to go to, so I says to 



'f?/ 



fAJ STOW SHCW.-rv . 

I 


(V 


WE WILL JUST FOLLOW UP THIS BRASS BAND. 

Clarissa, “ Let’s go to that fat stock 
show. I have read considerable 
about it, and Fd like to go and see 
it.’’ “ All right," says she, “ I am in for seeing all we can while we 

are here, for we may never be in this city again.” 

She asked me where it was. I said it was at the Exposition 
Building, but I didn’t know just where that was; but said I, “We 
will just follow up this brass band, and we will get there when they 
do." So we followed them. We was on one street, then another, 
and then another, and so on. We walked and we walked. I be- 
lieve we walked for three hours and a half. Clarissa was just tuck- 
ered out. She wasn’t used to walking on them hard stones, and I 
was just about petered, when I yelled out to the driver on the band 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


209 


wagon, just after the band got through playing a tune, and asked 
him how much further it was to that fat cattle show. He said, 
“Klopher.” Says I, “ That aint my name; my name is Benjamin 
Morgan, from Morganville, Blank County, New York.” “Veil, den, 
Morgan, you vos more ash two miles und a quawarter from doze kat- 
tle.” “ Is that so ?” said I, “ what time do you expect to get there ?” 
“ Ve dond oxpect to vos got der enny leedle vile this veek,” he said. 
“ Ve vos hired to trive a leedle ofer all the city to advertise dose 
show,” he replied. 

1 never was so golldarned mad in my life, to think that Clarissa 
with her big bunion, and 1 with two big corns just a-killing me, had 
been following up that confounded Dutch brass band to find the 
show, and here we was, way down on a street where we didn’t know 
where we was. I saw a policeman and asked him where we was, 
and how far we was from Mr. Palmer’s tavern. He told us we was 
away down on Biler Avenue, about two miles from the hotel. He 
very kindly showed us where we would find a street car that would 
take us right down near the hotel. I thanked him, and Clarissa and 
1 got back to our room about six o’clock, completely prostrated with 
fatigue. I think that was one of the biggest shams I eyer had pa- 
raded in front of my physiognomy. After we got rested and had 
a good supper, I went down to the office. I asked the clerk ( ’twas 
another fellow this time, more stiffy like than the one that was 
there in the morning. He had a great big glass pin on his shirt 
front, and a sort of air of Boss-of-the-United States, onto him) how 
far the Exposition building was from here. He said it was only 
two blocks, right down here at the foot of Monroe Street. I asked 
him what in the name of common sense they let them dumb brass 
bands go around the city deceiving folks for. He said he never 
knew they deceived anybody. “ But, ” said I, “ they have ; they 
deceived me and my wife to-day.” And 1 told him all about 
the tramp we had, following up that dumb Dutch brass band to find 
the show. I thought he would die a-laughing, and that drew a big 




210 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


crowd of fellows around us, and they wanted to know what the fun 
was, and the clerk up and told ’em my experience, and one tall, 
lean, cadaverous looking cuss, with a hook nose and a pair of snap- 
ping black eyes and one eyeglass, asked the clerk for an introduc- 
tion to me. The clerk asked me the number of my room. I told 
him, and he stepped behind a desk and looked at something; then 
stepped right back and said, “ Mr. Tellemall, this is Mr. Morgan.” 
“Yes, sir, Morgan is my name; they call me uncle Ben Mor- 
gan at home. I am a farmer, sir, from Morganville, Blank County, 
New York.” 

Said he, “ Uncle Ben, I am very happy to know you, and while 
you remain in the city, shall be pleased to have you drop into my 
office and make yourself at home.’ ’ 

“ Thankee, sir ; thankee,” said I, “ where abouts is it ? ” 

“ It is the reporters’ room in the Tribune building, corner of 
Madison and Dearborn streets. I belong to the reportorial staff.” 
“ The whatatorial staff? ” said I. 

“ The reportorial staff.” 

“ Well, what kind of a staff is that ?” He went on and ex- 
plained what his duties was. “Oh, yes,” said I, “your business is 
to stick your nose in everybody else’s business, and run and tell 
the paper all about it before t’other fellow has even concluded on 

his business. In other words, you are a regular town tattler, are 
> > 

you r 

Well he said he guessed that come pretty close to it. “ Well,” 
said I, “ have you got a brass band running through the streets, ad- 
vertising where your office is? Because if you have, you needn't 
look for me to call, for I just tell you I’ve got through running after 
them dumb shams. Come to think of it, Mr. Tellemall, there are 
so many fellows in the same kind of business in a city, you don’t have 
to advertise, do you ? ” He said, “No.” “Well,” said I, “don’t 
you kind o’ hate that business? I should think you would. Say — 
you’d better sell out and come down to York State, Blank County, 


/ 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


21 I 


Morganville, and buy a farm, or go down to the village and buy out 
Jim Teeters’ grocery and join the Methodist Church. Come to 
think of it, you haint got anything in your business to sell, have 
you ; that is, I mean you haint got anything but other folks’ secrets 
to sell ? And anybody else has got as much right to ’em as you 
have, so you couldn’t get a dumb cent for your business, unless it 
was for your chance in with that newspaper. The best way to stand 
in with it, is to be able to tell the most stuff you can, true or false, 
before some other paper gets it ; haint it? ” 

“ Well,” said he, “I thought I’d got a clover , but you seem to 
understand my position pretty thoroughly.” 



“ Well, you have got a regular clover . When 1 left home 1 was 
in full blow, fresh, if not sweet, but on the train between Buffalo 
and Cleveland, some fellows saw me and wanted me for a button- 
hole bouquet, I suppose, and they picked me, and in Cleveland they 
picked my pockets, too. After I have been picked several more 
times, I’ll be dried clover, I expect, a little too dusty to chew. I 


212 


shams; or, uncle ben’s 


i 


\ 


can just tell you one thing, no confounded brass band will ever pick 
me and my wife up again as a walkin’ match.” 

After a few pleasant words in regard to one thing and another, 
and a request that I call on the Tribune before 1 left the citv, he bade 
me good-night and stepped out. 1 seemed to be the show, somehow 
or other. I couldn’t understand it. Here was a big crowd gazing at 
me. Two-thirds of ’em had keen eyes, curly hair and hook noses, 
and talked peculiar. They would say “ Goot efening, mein frent,” 
and so on. 1 asked the clerk what show troupe them fellows be- 
longed to. (They was dressed up like dandies and had stove-pipe 
hats on.) Before the clerk had time to answer my question, a sort 
of rough and ready Western man standing beside me, said, — 

“ They belonged to a monstrous large troop that hailed from 
Jerusalem. Their show was the ‘ Abraham, Solomon & Isaacs Com- 
bination. They play a large variety of pieces. Their principal plays 
was ‘ Fritz, The Clothing Merchant of Berlin,’ 1 Honest Isaacs, The 
Jeweler of Ni Yark,’ ‘ My Last Cigar, The Happy Dreamer,’ a 
shenuvine long leaf Havana filled, Java wrapper und binder, effry 
vun varranted, made by imported Cuban workmen of our own 
growth on Uncle Moses Oppenheimer’s plantation, what he got off 
his brother Jacob who failed in the gent’s furnishing goots trade in 
Philadelphia, only turty dollars a thousant, 6o days’ time, with 
plenty more time on more goots, with ‘plenty goot security.’” 

“ Uncle Benjamin,” said the stranger, “ if you want to have a 
good sight of them fellows and other gentlemen, you just go up 
there and set in that little balcony, where you can have a splendid 
view of this grand office and lobby and he pointed me up to the 
balcony. 

I thanked him for his kindness and went to the ele — and slid up 
to the ninth floor. There being no street car on that hail, I had to 
walk around to the southern suburbs of the hotel, where I found 
Clarissa in No. 984, laying on the bed a resting. Says l, “Clarissa, 
if you have got rested l want you to go with me down the elevator 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


213 


and sit in the balcony, where we can see everything going on in the 
office and lobby room, and it will pay 11s to see the people.” She 
said she would be delighted to go ; that anything of that kind 
would please her a great deal better than “ fat cattle shows,” and 
as for brass bands she never wanted to hear another as long as she 
lived. 

She ‘took a little swallow of peppermint and water, to keep the 
wind down in her stomach and scent her breath, and we went to the 
ele — and down to the parlor floor, then walked down those wonder- 
ful, massive marble stairs to the next floor, what they called the 



“ ABRAHAM, SOLOMON AND ISAACS COMBINATION.” 

“ Entre Sol.” 1 believe some one said it was a French word; and 
as we hadn’t got our nigger waiter from the dining car to tell us the 
meaning of the word, and Clarissa's eyes being so poor she couldn’t 
make it out, kind reader I’ll have to leave it to you to find out what 
it means. At any rate, we was where the balcony was, and we got 
two easy chairs, drew them up to the iron rail fence, put up on pur- 
pose to keep folks from falling down, and seated ourselves. 

We set there until ten o’clock, and it was very interesting to 
us, who had never seen anything but our plain simple country sights, 


214 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


and had known comparatively little if anything- of the world at large. 
To us everything we saw was as new as to a new born babe. 

The great room was a sight to us. Its elegant ceilings were 
supported by massive columns, and beautifully decorated in a most 
pleasing manner. On the farther walls was hanging a monstrous 
large oil painting, and several pictures of large buildings that was 
burned in the great fire. A great massive marble stairway was 
guarded by two bronze figures who held up lighted lamps, and the 
whole of this great room was made as light as day by electric lights. 
There was a crowd of men surging backward and forward in con- 
stant motion. Some leisurely wandering around gaping at things 
and folks in general ; others in seeming warm discussion on some 
question ; others entertaining a crowd of a half a dozen by some 
story, no doubt, that had a laugh ending to it. The strange inter- 
mingling of faces belonging to country merchants, cattle buyers, 
commercial drummers, lawyers, dignified clergymen (very few of 
the latter), reporters, board of trade men, young swell head dudes, 
with polished stove pipe hats, canes and single eye glasses, wise and 
knowing sheeneys puffing the everlasting cigar and moving around 
with an expression on their countenance conveying a strong desire 
to own the whole world, produced a picture of wonderful interest. 
Clarissa said she could enjoy herself every da)' for a month sitting 
there and studying human nature, if she had time and could afford 
it. It was ten o’clock and we concluded we would retire, which we 
proceeded to do. We was tired enough to enjoy a good rest and 
sleep. 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


2 1 5 


CHAPTER XX. 

S FTER breakfast, Clarissa fixed herself up in the best she had 
with her, which was a black silk dress made up with pieces of 

navy blue velvet set in goring all around in different places on 

the skirt, and a goring piece on the outside of each sleeve, and trimmed 
with black and orange colored satin ribbon looped up into double 
bows, and artistically hung on around in different places where it 
would give the best effect, the same as corner pieces on a ceiling are 
put in the proper place to give the right appearance, or an air of rich- 
ness to the balance of the decoration. Her bonnet was made of 
black and navy blue velvet and ornamented with a feather that fell 
off of an ostrich that died in the purple age of his life, and a cluster 
of blue forget-me-nots and honeysuckles. The milliner down to the 
village had quite an argument with her in regard to putting the 
flowers on, but Clarissa said them was always her favorite posies, 
and she didn’t care what the milliner thought, she was going to have 
them on the bonnet. She had a large cape made of the finest kind 
of muskrat skins, and when she had got all dressed up and put oil 
her gold bowed specs, she looked like a queen, or as l suppose a 
queen looks, for I never saw one — and I was real proud of her. 1 
always have been proud of her, but now 1 was more than usually 
proud of her, as she was not only smart intellectually, but also mon- 
evly, and she was ray banker. 

1 said, “ Clarissa, why do you spread yourself more than usual 
this morning; taint Sunday yet, and we haint going to church, be 
we?” “No; but I thought, Benjamin, we would go and find some 


216 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


of our friends this morning, and if they wanted us to visit them 
any we would stop paying board at the tavern, as it was quite ex- 
pensive. But I don’t do it on that account so much as I would like 
to see some of them, and then they can show us the city better 
than we can see it alone.” 

1 said, “ Well, 1 think that is a sensible idea; but where do you 
intend to go first?” “ 1 thought I’d call on Mr. Harrison first. I 
heard yesterday that he was the Mayor.” 

“ Well, if he is any dumb hypocrite like that mayor is in Syra- 
cuse, I don’t want to see him.” 

She said she didn’t believe he was, although she hadn’t seen 
him since he was a young man, and she was a young girl, but he 
was a real likely young man, and everybody thought he was the 
soul of honor. He ought to be, for he came from as likely parents 
as ever breathed the air of heaven. The only thing that they ever 
said against him was that he was stuck up. That may possibly be 
against a person in the eyes of envious people, but in my opinion 
(she said) “ I think it’s a credit mark in favor of a young man or 
young woman to have self-respect enough to be above low and 
vulgar thoughts and conversation, and low and vulgar people. Of 
course, if they haven’t got good principles and good brains to 
maintain their self-respect, but just assume it as a disguise to their 
real characters, then I despise it; but Mr. Harrison never assumed 
any such a position, it was perfectly natural for him. I'm almost 
afraid to call on him for fear he may not remember me, and will 
not care to renew our old acquaintance, but he can’t any more than 
refuse to know me, and I shan’t feel hard if he does.” 

Clarissa had her hand on the door knob as she finished her re- 
marks, and I said I would second the motion, and go anywhere she 
wanted me to, but I reminded her that she hadn’t counted out any 
money for me vet. 

J m/ 

“Oh, yes;” said she, “ excuse me, Benjamin, I had taken it out 
for you and put it in my muff, and forgot it ; here it is, five dollars; 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


217 


wont that be enough for to-day, in case we go a visiting?” I told 
her it would be plenty, and we started out. 

Before we left the office we got our bearings for the City Hall, 
and left the Palmer. It was a lovely morning although there was 
a sharp wind blowing from the north, and although we couldn’t see 
any brown and yellow leaves falling in fence corners, nor cows and 
calves humping up their backs on the sunny side of straw stacks — 
scenes that are familiar to us at this season of the year — we could see 
the beautiful clouds of smoke roll up above the monstrous buildings, 
and giving the sun the appearance of a ball of fire, half hid by some 
great conflagration ; and as we looked down Madison Street to the 
west, it seemed as though the end of the street had run into a cloud 
of smoke. In the place of the music of looing cows and squealing 
pigs, we heard the never ending cry of the newsboy, boot- 
blacks, street fakirs of various kinds, the jingling bells of the street 
cars, and the roar and hum ol a thousand and more vehicles of every 
description, rattlin’ over the stony streets. There was so much to 
attract our attention that it seemed but a few minutes had passed 
before we reached the City Hall. 

A policeman showed us Mr. Harrison’s office. W e went in ; it 
was a fine room, all carpeted nice, and fixed up in good shape. 
Clarissa asked if Mr. Harrison was in, and a real smart looking 
young man answered that he was in his private office, the next room, 
opening out of this one, and asked if she would like to see him. 
She told him that she wouldn't have asked for him if she hadn’t 
wanted to see him. 

Said he, “ Shall I take your card in to him?” 

Clarissa told him he should not, for the reason that she hadn’t 
got any printed yet. 

He asked what name he should give the mayor. 

She said : “ Do you mean what my name is?” 

He said, “ Yes. ” 

“ Will you tell him it is Mrs. Benjamin Morgan, of Morganville, 


4 


218 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


Blank County, N. V. She that was Clarissa Sunflower Snodgrass 
before she was married, and when he went to school.” 

The young man started for the other room, but before he got 
there, we heard some men reading something and laughing enough 

7 o o o o 

to bust ’em. In a few minutes a fine looking gentleman, heavy set, 
tall, with keen eyes and hair well sprinkled with gray, came out 
and approached us with a smile, and said. — 

“ Well, I declare ; is this the lady 1 knew so well, long years 
ago, as M iss Clarissa Snodgrass? ” 

“ Yes,” she said, “ I am the same, with the exception of the ad- 
dition of a number of years, and a husband and family. This is 
my husband, Mr. Morgan, Mr. Harrison.” I shook hands with him 
and he greeted us in a most cordial spirit. Said he, — 

'Well, Mrs. Morgan, I am really delighted to see you. It 
brings back to my memory those early days in my history when 1 
little dreamed that I should ever be the mayor of the great city of 
Chicago, or that you would visit me as Mrs. Benjamin Morgan. 
Please walk into my private office where we can have a little chat,” 
and he led the way while we followed him into a beautiful room, 
finely furnished. He gave us seats in big easy chairs, and then 
said, — 

“ Well, well ; I am surprised to see you as I had lost track of 
you the last twenty years, but just before you come in, I was read- 
ing in the morning Tribune about your arrival in the city, and stop- 
ping at the Palmer House, and about your long walk around the 
citv with the brass band.” 

Clarissa looked a little crestfallen, and wondered how on earth 
the paper got hold of that. She was surprised. 

Mr. Harrison said “ she needn’t be surprised at all. Probably 
some of the Tribune's cheap reporters was following up the same 
band to take notes, and as he discovered you was strangers, he fol- 
lowed you to the hotel and got your names.” 

“ But how did he know we was strangers? ” she asked. 




EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


219 

“ Oh,” said he, “ them reporters know everything and every- 
body that lives here. Why, I tell you, l can't move but that they 
know it. If 1 go to church they will report it the next day, and 
for that reason I’ve quit going to, church. If l drop in to see a 
friend of mine when on my way home, they know it and report 
it the next day. If I go to the polls election day, or the day after, 
they report it, and as likely as not make it out that I have voted 
all the Irish in the city two or three times. I get so annoyed by 

them reporters that I’d like to send every one 

of them down to Joliet and take Joe Mackin’s place, and let poor 
Joe come home.” 

Clarissa spoke up and said, “ That was what you was laughing 
about, wasn’t it ?” 



carter’s PRIVATE OFFICE. 


He said it was, and picked up the paper and showed us the ar- 
ticle. There it was, a half column, headed : 

“ Fresh Arrival ! Uncle Ben Morgan and C larissa, from Mor- 
ganville, Blank Countv, N. V.” 

Clarissa read it out loud, and there they had our whole trip 
yesterdav to the Fat Cattle Show and the Palmer House business, 
all brought in, written up in a flourishing style, and while Clarissa 


220 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


was reading it, she couldn't help laughing right out, although she 
was the maddest I ever saw her. 

“ Well,” said the Mayor, “ never mind the paper. I’ll send my 
carriage after you to the Palmer House, at three o’clock this after- 
noon, and you come to my house and stay a few days, and we’ll have 
a good visit.” Just then some one called him. “You see,” said he, 
“ i am called here and there continually, by some one or other that 
think they want something.” 

“Yes,” said Clarissa, “I know your time is taken up and you 
can’t be bothered much. They told us at the hotel that they 
thought it very doubtful if we found you in your office, but if we 
didn’t find you here, to go around to Mike McDonald’s, and we 
would find you there ; but I am glad we found you in, but now we 
will not take any more of your time.” As we started to go he made 
us promise to go to his house in his carriage. 

As we left, he went to the door with us, and bowed us out with 
a broad smile. When we got out on the sidewalk, 1 turned round 
to look up to the top of that City Hall building. It was the pret- 
tiest building I ever saw, prettier than Mr. Palmer’s tavern. The 
great, round stone posts in front, beside the front door, was polished 
so you could see your face in them ; and way up to the top was 
some stone men and women standing on top of some columns, 
dressed in old fashioned Bible style of clothes, and holding great 
fiat stones on top of their heads. I was quite interested in looking 
at them, when the first thing I knew I was upset into a cart of 
oranges and peanuts. A dirty looking fellow had run a two- 
wheeled hand-cart loaded with that stuff, right against my back 
legs and I fell right into his cart and he went to swearing at me. 

I said to him, “ Look here, you dumb sassy scamp, if you do 
that again, I'll have a policeman arrest you.” 

Clarissa told me to come along and not pay any attention to 
him, but look what I was doing, and not be gaping at everything. I 
asked her how she expected 1 could see anything of the city, if I 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


221 


had to be looking out for everything and everybody in the road. 
She told me to look at that big window in the City Hall. I did so, 
and there was standing Mr. Harrison and another fellow who had 
been watching the whole performance. They was laughing enough 
to kill them. 

We walked along down Clark Street till we come to the Dime 
Museum, when 1 invited Clarissa to go in with me. The low price 
was the principal inducement. We spent about two hours there, 
and saw an awful sight for the amount we paid. The last thing we 
saw, just before coming out, was a play on the stage, which they 



“look here, you dumb sassy scamp!” 


called “ Dante’s Inferno, or The Devil’s Home.” The play was so 
exciting that fora few minutes it seemed real, and l forgot where I 
was. I spoke up and said, “ Mr. Boss Devil, have you got four 1 el- 
lows there I left in the Cleveland depot t’other night, by the names 
of Smooth, Three, Kard and Montee?” He said he had, that they 
was his best men and was working for him all the time. I turned 
to Clarissa, and said, — 

“ Let’s get out as quick as we can or they’ll have us,” and as we 



222 


SIIAMS; OR, UNCLE BENS 


left, everybody in the house was laughing at us, and the old Devil 
on the stage laughed louder than all the rest. After we was on the 
street again, Clarissa told me if 1 didn’t stop making such a fool of 
myself and disgracing her, she would take the first train for Califor- 
nia, and leave me to get along the best 1 could. I promised to try 
my best, and asked her as a favor, to pinch me real hard whenever 
she discovered I was about to make a break. She agreed, and we 
went to the Palmer and got dinner. While we were eating, I saw 
an awful pretty woman at one of the tables that seemed to attract 
an awful sight of attention. Ladies and gentlemen would go up 
and shake hands with her, and the men would leave a little bouquet 
at her plate until it was completely covered up with them. It made 
me envious, and I asked Clarissa to excuse me a minute. I had for- 
got something and would be right back. 

I went out into the hall and found a waiter boy. I said to him, 
“ Bub, look here; here is two dollars; you go out and buy three 
of the biggest bouquets you can find for fifty cents apiece, and bring 
’em into the dining-room and come right to my table and bow and 
smile, and hand ’em to my wife, and speak right up loud, and say, — 
“ Mrs. Benjamin Morgan, these is the compliments of the editor 
of the Tribune , the editor of the Times , and Mr. Hizonor Harrison.” 
He said he would. I told him to hurry up, and get back in ten 
minutes if he could, and he might keep the other fifty cents. I went 
back to the table, and as 1 set down with a smile, Clarissa mistrusted 
I had been doing something. 

I asked the waiter that took my order who that woman was 
that attracted so much attention. 

He said it was Mrs. Langtry, the “Jersey Lily.” 

“ Well,” said I, “just wait a few minutes, and I’ll show you a 
York State Rose.” Clarissa pinched me. 1 told her that that pinch 
was in the wrong time, as she would presently discover. 

The waiter had but just come in with our dinner, when t’other 
waiter come in with three monstrous big bouquets, any one of which 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


223 

was as big as all of Langtry’s, and he handed one to Clarissa, with 
a genteel bow, and said in a real loud voi.ce, — 

“ M rs. Benjamin Morgan, accept the compliments of the editor 
of the Tribune, and also this, with the compliments of the editor of 
the Times , and also this, with the compliments of Mr. Hizonor 
LI arrison.” 

My bosom, for the first time since 1 arrived in Chicago, swelled 
with pride as I saw all eyes turned upon my Clarissa, whose face 
was crimson with natural blush, and Mrs. Langtry, as she gazed 
with envy at her, wore a white painted blush. 

Clarissa was dumbfounded. She couldn’t understand what it 



meant. She didn’t know why she should be made the recipient of 
compliments of the editors of the two greatest newspapers in Amer- 
ica. I told her that the Tribune always recognized true merit 
wherever it was discovered, and if any person on earth possessed 
true merit, she did, and the Tribune had, no doubt, discovered that 
fact by means of its “ reportorial staff.” And the Times would 
never allow the Tribune to get ahead of it, and consequently had 
sent its compliments in to head off the Tribune . I told her I was 
proud of her, and I was glad to have the comparison drawn in such 


224 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 




a public place between a pretty face and brains. The pretty face 
had lots of little bouquets from little men, while her intellectual ca- 
pacity received big bouquets from big men. 

After dinner we carried the bouquets to our room, and set down 
for a little talk. We had been seated but a few minutes, when there 
was a knock on the door, and as I opened it, a waiter handed me a 
letter addressed to my wife. She opened it. It read as follows: 
Mrs. Benjamin Morgan and Husband : 

Noticing your arrival in the city, by an article in this morning’s Tribune , I desire to 
renew our acquaintance of years ago, and will be pleased to call upon you at such time as 
you may be pleased to name. I shall also be pleased to have you inspect my studio before 
you leave the city. Yours truly, 

A. \Y. Kinney, Lakeside Building. 

Clarissa replied as follows: 

Mr. A, W. Kinney: 

Dear Sir , — Your note is just received. I thank you for your expression of a desire to 
renew our old acquaintance, and your invitation to call upon you. The latter we shall be 
pleased to do as soon as convenient, but I cannot name the time for you to call upon us, as 
we leave this tavern in a short time for Mr. Carter Harrison’s residence, for a short visit. 

Very truly yours, Mrs. B. Morgan. 

The boy had scarcely left the door before another boy handed 
another letter for “Mrs. Clarissa Morgan.” It read as follows: 

Mrs. Morgan : 

I noticed by this morning’s Tribune that you and your husband had arrived in our city 
and are the guests of the Calmer. 1 shall be happy to have you visit me, and also to take 
in the Board of Trade before you leave the city. Please state where I may call for you at 
2 p. M. on Monday next, with my private carriage. 

Yerv truly vours, N. G. Rosster. 

Clarissa replied as follows : 

Mr. N. G. Rosster : 

Dear Friend , — I hope you will not think it presuming too much to address you by the 
title I used to consider you. I thank you for your kind invitation, and shall be pleased to 
accept. We leave this tavern in a few minutes for Mr. Carter Harrison’s residence, for a 
short visit, and unless you hear from me in the intervening time, you will find us there at 2 
p. M., Monday next. With many thanks, 1 am yours, 

Mrs. B. Morgan. 

Clarissa had not completed her answer to Mr. Rosster’s letter 
before another boy called with a letter addressed to me. I opened 
it and read as follows: 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


Mr. Benjamin Morgan. Palmer House, Chicago , III.: 

Dear Sir , — We noticed by this morning’s Tribune that you had arrived in the city. We 
are also informed that you visited our museum this forenoon. We desire to meet you on a 
business matter. Will you please call at our office this r. M., between five and seven, or 
to-morrow morning, between nine and ten ? We think we can make you a satisfactory offer. 
We are on the constant lookout for new attractions. 

Very respectfully yours, Kohl & Middleton. 

To this letter I replied : 

Mr. Kohl and Mr. Middleton : 

Each one of you Gentlemen - Y our letter has been handed to me by one of Mr. Pal- 
mer’s waiter boys, who is at this moment standing at my left-hand elbow, waiting for me to 
finish this letter. I can’t conceive what on earth you can want of me. If you have got 
some kind of a scheme on foot, and want me to go into it, you have been writing to the wrong 
one. I am no schemer, and no hypocrite, and I don’t want anything to do with them as is. 
I have no desire to get acquainted with any one that will harbor and keep in their employ 
such confounded hypocrites as Smooth, Three, Kard and Montee, as your boss, the Devil, 
told me you did, when I was in there. I want nothing to do with anybody that plays Hell, 
as you do, morning and night, and, besides all the above and foregoing reasons, I haint got 
time to call on you, as we are going visiting to Mayor Harrison’s. So you needn’t write me 
any more about it. Yours, 

Uncle Benjamin Morgan, 
Morganville, Blank County, New York. 

P. S. — If you want a feller that’s good on schemes, to help the Devil in that play of 
yourn, I know a first-rate one for you. He lives down to the village, and his name is Jim 
Teeters. He has been helping the Methodists down there, but I guess they can get on with- 
out him. In fact, they was talking about turning him and Waddles out before we left 
home. Maybe you could get Waddles, too. 

P. S. — Say, you haint got a feller working for you by the name of Bascom B. Bigler, 
have you? They called him ’Squire Bigler. He kind of got knocked out of his calculations 
down there last fall, and moved out here, hunting for a job. If you have got him to work, 
you might tell him Clarissa and I are here — right here in Chicago. 

P. S. — Say, come to think of it, you needn’t to tell him about our being here, for if he 
has seen the Tribune he knows it. 

P. S. — I haven’t time to write any more, as Mr. Harrison’s horses and buggy are wait- 
ing for us down to the front door. 

We dismissed the boys with the letters, and got our things to- 
gether and went down the ele to the office, and paid our bill. 
The young man behind the counter said, “You haint going to leave 
us now, are you?” I told him we was just entering upon that act. 
He said he was sorry to have us leave, as we had been the main at- 
traction in the house since our arrival. Just then he introduced us 
to a fine-looking old gentleman, by saying, “ Mr. and Mrs. Morgan, 


226 SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 

let me make you acquainted with Mr. Palmer, the proprietor of this 
house.” 

Mr. Palmer said, “ 1 am very glad to meet you. 1 was out at 
my private residence, on the North Side, when you arrived, and 
when 1 discovered by the article I read in the morning Tribune that 
you were the guest of my house, I hastened down here to meet you. 
1 am really sorry you are going to leave ; any time you will come in 
to a meal or stay all night while you remain in the city, you are 
welcome to do so, free of costs.” 

We severally and jointly thanked him for his kind invitation 
and welcome, and told him, as he had such a fine tavern and they 
was all so kind to us, we would make it our central point while we 
was in town, and bid him good-by. 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


227 


CHAPTER XXL 

E went out on Monroe Street, where an elegant carriage was 
waiting for us. A gentleman that was’dressed up in fine style 
with a stove pipe hat on, showed us into the carriage and 
was just closing the door when 1 asked him if it was a nigh relative 
he had lost. He asked me what 1 meant. 



“is it a nigh relative you have lost?” 


“ Why,” said I, “I merely wanted to know if ’twas a father or 
mother or son or daughter, or wife, you was called upon to mourn.” 
‘‘Not either,” said he; “what makes you think I have?” 



228 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN'S 


“ Why, that wide black band on your hat,” said I, pointing to it. 

He laughed and said that he was the coachman, and that was 
why he wore it, and closed the door and drove off to the City Hall, 
where the Mayor soon joined us. With a great big hearty smile of 
welcome he shook our hands with that peculiar kind of a shake 
that made me think that shaking hands was a science that he had 
studied all his life. Somehow or other there is no one that has got 
that kind of a shake hands business about them that seems to say, 
“You just stand by me and I’ll be your friend,” like an old poli- 
tician. 

We drove off at a rapid rate until we arrived at No. — , Ashland 
Avenue, where we alighted and was led into the house by Mr. Har- 
rison, who introduced us to his excellent wife, who greeted us with 
a cordial spirit, and we was taken into a beautiful parlor. Time 
forbids any extended description of our visit of four days there. 
At 7 o’clock we had what they called dinner. Clarissa sat next to 
Mr. IT., and received a good share of his attention. In reply to 
some of her questions, he said : 

“ He had been mayor of Chicago for a number of terms; that 
as one term was about to expire, the citizens of Chicago would come 
up almost en masse and beg him to accept the nomination again, and 
although he had repeatedly declined and refused the nomination, 
still they had persisted in electing him by tremendous majorities, 
and, of course he had to act when he was elected ; that the city 
had thrived and prospered and increased rapidly under his govern- 
ment, and he was considered ‘The Best Mayor Chicago ever had ;’ 
that he had been invited to New York City to show them how to 
run a city government; that he supposed more than likely they 
would insist on making him mayor again at the next spring election, 
but he had got so tired of it, so tired of trving to run an honest gov- 
eminent that he positively would not accept it, and he was going to 
write to the people of the city through the Times , over his own sig- 
nature, not to nominate him next spring, for he would not serve.” 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


229 


She said, “ Supposing you are elected next spring, what will 
you do ?” 

“ Well, if 1 had the power,” he replied, “ I would give the office 
to a friend of mine that wants it awful bad, and that needs it, Mr. 
Sidney Smith ; but there is one objection to letting Sidney into the 
office, and that is this, he is a regular ferret, and about the first thing 
he will do will be to run all over my past administration and see if 
he can find anything funny about it. He will try to examine into 
the records of the city council, and see if he can’t discover some 
kind of a boodle scheme and kick up an unpleasant odor.” 

“ Then why don’t you give the office to some one else that 
wont cause so much trouble?” she asked. 

“Well,” he said, “you must understand that l can’t give the 
office away, f haven’t been mayor quite long enough to have that 
power, but if I had I could give it to Van Pelt. He is a particular 
friend of mine, and he would slide along smooth and not discover 
anything, even if requested to by any number of the citizens, but I 
am afraid he wouldn’t be a good mayor, and would be apt to split 
my party, which might spoil my chances for an election to Con- 
gress. I came pretty nigh asking Sid Smith to take it last spring, 
and when the people got to hear of it, they said I shouldn’t do it, 
that the office belonged to me, and 1 belonged to it, and l should 
stay in it, so 1 staid. 

“ The fact is, Mrs. Morgan, 1 am absolutely married to Chi- 
cago.” 

“ Was that your wife’s name before you married her?” Clarissa 
asked. 

“No, 1 didn’t mean that,” he said, “ I meant that I thought so 
much of the city of Chicago that l felt as if it was a bride to me, 
and for that reason 1 say I am married to her.” 

“Well, then,” 1 asked, “ why don't you change the name and 
call it Harrisonburgh ; it is the law for the wife to take the husband’s 
name, aint it ?” 


2 30 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BENS 


“ Yes, that is the law, but there is just one difficulty in the way 
of that. While I think enough of Chicago to do all that, the city 
hasn’t quite said yes to my pop, and I haven’t quite popped yet.” 

We had an elegant dinner, and enough of the mayor’s personal 
history to serve as a double dessert. 

After dinner was over the Mayor asked us to accompany him 

r 

and his wife to the theater. It being Saturday night we could sleep 
as late the next morning as we pleased. We was glad to accept his 
invitation, as we never had been in a regular theater. So he had 
his private coachman dressed in his private mourning hat, take us 
in his private carriage down to McVicker’s Theater. We occupied 
his private box at the theater. I couldn’t see as there was very 
much about the- box that was private, as everybody that was in that 
great beautiful room could look right in onto us. I asked Mr. Har- 
rison what made him call that a box ; it didn’t look a mite like a box but 
more like a little bedroom than anything else. He couldivt explain 
it. Just after we got set down the band begun to play right down 
in front of us. Clarissa got up and said, “ Mr. and Mrs. Harrison, 
I believe I’ll have to go out, for I don’t think my nerves will stand 
the strains of a brass band.” Mrs. Harrison assured her that it was 
not a brass band, but a very fine orchestra, and that she would be 
delighted with the music; and she set down with a calm countenance 
and was really delighted with the music of the orchestra. 

The play was “Joshua Whitcomb, or, The Farmer in Boston.” 
Denman Thompson was to take the part of Uncle Josh. The cur- 
tain was pulled up, and the play begun. When he got alo ng to 
where they had a dance, he pulled off his boots and commenced, 
but stopped sudden, and said : 

“ Ladies and gentlemen, l would like to dance this set through, 
but I followed a brass band all over the city this afternoon, and my 
corns are paining me more than usual. Therefore, you will please 
excuse my poor dancin’.” 

The whole house just hollered and yelled, and spatted their 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


231 

hands and stamped their feet, and then they yelled, “ Uncle Ben 
Morgan ! ” 

I got up and bowed, and said that was me, and asked them 
what they wanted. Clarissa pinched me horribly. I sat down im- 
mediately. The Mayor laughed, and so did Mrs. Mayor, while 
Denman just roared a minute, and then said he didn’t know his old 
neighbor, Uncle Ben Morgan, was there before, but that he would 
hunt him up after the show was over. 

We enjoyed the theater immensely. It was mighty good, and 
1 made up my mind that if Uncle Josh couldn’t clean out that mis- 
erable drunken cuss, that I’d just get over onto the stage and help 



“ I WAS JUST STEPPING OVER THE BALUSTRADE.” 


him. Once I was afraid he’d be too much for Uncle Josh, and 1 got 
up and was just stepping over the balustrade in front of our box 
onto the stage, to give that darned cuss a belt, while Uncle Josh 
was praying up in that miserable attic, when Mr. Harrison pulled me 
back, and said that was part of the play — that it would all come out 
right. He never saw a play that didn’t come out right in the end. 
Clarissa spoke up, and said, “Our lives are just like a drama ; they 
are composed of main and by-plays ; that she believed in the end they 



232 


SHAMS; OR, UNCI ,E REN’S 


would come out all right. We might not be able to understand it all, 
but the great Manager of all human plays would see the end was 
all right, and that justice was measured with knowledge and con- 
sistency.” The Mayor complimented her on her philosophy, and 

said, “ Mrs. Morgan, that thought is very consoling to me. When 

* 

I trv to close up the dens of vice and iniquity that exist in our proud 
city like so many cesspools, breeding corruption and moral death, l 
am cursed and lied about by some of my best political supporters 
and workers ; and when 1 try to let them alone, and run as they 
please, then l am lied about and cursed by all the newspapers in the 
city. 1 am constantly harassed by some thing, or some one. And 
the fact that it is all a drama, and the great Author of the play will 
bring it out all right in the end, is a consolation that I prize next to 
my salary and perquisites.” 

The play ended all right. Hypocrisy was exposed and justice 
done, and we went home well pleased with our second day's expe- 
rience in Chicago. 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


233 


CHAPTER XXII. 

UNDAY morning the bright sunbeams found their way through 
the open blinds and rich lace curtains, and told us it was High 
time for us to get up. The room we occupied was large and 
richly furnished. It was heated by steam, and everything about it 
had an inviting appearance of comfort. The door to a little room ad- 



“ ONE RUN COLD, T’OTHER RUN HOT.” 


joining ours was open, and while I was hunting for a place to wash 
my face, I peeked in there, and saw a fine marble-top wash-sink with 
a marble basin, and two faucets. 1 went in and turned on the fau- 


234 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


cets, and one run cold water and t’other run hot. I told Clarissa 
that I didn’t believe the folks would care if we washed there, and I 
was going to, at any rate, and run the risk. Along the side of the 
room was a long zinc-lined coffin, without any cover. I asked Clar- 
issa what she supposed they kept a coffin there for. She examined 
it closely, and said it wasn’t a coffin, but it was a washing tub, and 
she was going to take a bath in it. I told her she had better go 
down stairs and ask Mr. Harrison if it was all right, and not make 
any mistake. She said she wouldn’t make a fool of herself by doing 
that; she knew what it was for, as she had read a good deal about 
such things, and her cousin Buzzbee, in Syracuse, had one just like 
it in her private bedroom. So she turned on the water, and let the 
tub fill up. She had her bath, and enjoyed it so much, that when 
she got through I tried it, and 1 didn’t blame Clarissa a mite for 
enjoying it. I thought it was not only a good thing, but ’twas lots 
of fun. I never had a bath before in my life. I don’t mean to say 
I never got washed all over before, for I make a practice of going 
in swimming down in the creek, in my west pasture, two or three 
times every summer; but I never had a zinc-lined tub, hot and cold 
water wash before. When I get home I’m going to cut our buttery 
in two, and make just such a tub in one part of it, so we can go in 
swimming in the winter as well as summer. After we was dressed up 
we went down to the parlor, where Mr. and Mrs. Mayor was wait- 
ing for us. 

After breakfast the Mayor set down and entertained us an hour, 
with a description of Chicago and its wonderful prosperity under 
his reign. He told us that he had to work against strong odds in 
carrying out his policy; that the Tribune had always been fighting 
him and opposing him and misrepresenting him, and all the papers 
occasionally threw up something mean about him. “ But,” said he, 
“ Mrs. Morgan, you know 1 come from the President Harrison stock 
on one side, and the Virginia Randolphs on 'tother and the blood 
that runs in my veins is not the kind that is easily daunted ; and I 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


was born in Kentucky, where people of honor live. I graduated 
from Yale College in 1845, and the class that graduated then were 
all gentlemen, that would not, under any circumstances, betray a 
friend. I traveled a long time in company with Bayard Taylor 
through Europe and Syria and Asia Minor, and have consequently 
seen enough of the world to know that no man ever amounts to very 
much in this world without being opposed and lied about. So, I 
don’t pay any attention to all these criticisms and slanders, but in- 
tend to go right ahead and work for the prosperity and growth of 
Ch icago, and in being elected its mayor, until the city shall have 
one million people living in it. Then will l be content to lay aside 
the official robes of Burgomaster, and will devote the remainder 
of my time in getting some of my friends elected mayor who will 
carry out my line of policy.” 

His recitation of his life in Chicago sounded like a novel, and 

# 

I’ll leave it to the reader to imagine who the hero was. 

The church bells was ringing in all directions. Clarissa mani- 
fested a desire to go to meeting somewhere. When Mr. Harrison 
asked her who she would like to hear. She said she had read a great 
deal about Professor Swing, and she would like to hear him, if it 
wasn’t too far off. He said that he hadn’t been to church for a long 
time, but he would take us down to Central Music Hall, and we 
would hear the Professor. Mr. and Mrs. Mayor and Clarissa and 
I was seated in their private carriage hve minutes later and drove 
to Central Music Hall. They pointed out all the prominent 
buildings on the way down, and it was a pleasant ride. We entered 
the hall, and, while there was a great many people waiting for seats, 
we was immediately shown to very desirable seats. Soon after we 
was seated, soft, low and pensive strains of music greeted our ears, 
coming, seemingly, from a great distance. First, the rich, deep dia- 
pason of dying thunder seemed to fill the entire room, and I looked 
all around to see where it came from. Presentlv the mellow strains 
of a baritone and alto horn seemed to unite their notes, while the 


236 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


cornet, clarinet, bassoon and piccolo came in to fill the full measure 
of harmony. Louder and nearer came the grand combination, until 
it swelled, it seemed to me, into a mountain-wave rolling into the 
great room from all sides, completely engulphing us in a sea of har- 
monious sounds ! I was puzzled. I looked in every direction to 
find out the cause. 1 could not discover any one that I could charge 
with taking a part in it. I hated to ask a question there, but I hated 
still more to be in ignorance of what I might know by simply asking 
a question. So I asked Mr. H. where that music come from. He told 
me it was the organ. 1 told him I never heard one before. He 
showed me about it. The magnificent instrument was divided into 
two parts, and one half was on one side of the stage and 'tother on 
’tother side, while the player set up in the gallery over the stage, be- 
hind a red curtain. It is a beautiful instrument, and in a beautiful 
room. The continual changes and variations of that grand organ was 
enough to make one feel religious, if they had never thought of it be- 
fore, and although when we first went in, I thought we was in another 
theater, — for it looked a good deal like the one we was in last night, — 
when the music filled the house, and no doubt filled the very hearts of 
all the people in it, I felt we was in a place dedicated to the Author 
of all harmony, and a sacred feeling seemed to possess me. 

In about twenty minutes after we entered the hall, a little side 
door on the stage opened and in walked a small man, smooth-faced, 
and very homely, and seated himself beside a small pulpit or Bible 
stand. Another gentleman walked in and sat a little to the left. 
The latter was the chorister, who called attention to the printed 
hymns that was in every seat. The tunes was all old fashioned, and 
easy to sing. The organ player played the tune through once, then 
the entire congregation stood up, and while the chorister led, every- 
body seemed to sing. Clarissa sung just as well as any of them. I 
tried to sing. I don't know why I attempted the trick, but that 
organ seemed to pick me up and say to me, “ Come, take a part, and 
I'll carry you through/’ 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


237 


After the singing the long haired, beardless, homely man arose 
and offered a prayer that embraced more good sense than any peti- 
tion I ever heard from the lips of a minister. The gratitude of thank- 
ful hearts for mercies past, and future blessings asked, poured forth 
from his lips as sweetly and smoothly as does a stream of crystal 
water glide along ’mid flowery banks, seemingly thankful for being 
confined in a course that led it on to the sea. Then followed his 
sermon, and as he proceeded every sentence seemed to add to the 



stature of the man ; and his eloquence robbed him of the homely 
looks, and clothed him with manly beauty ; and when he closed his 
discourse, to me of all ministers I ever heard, he was the greatest; 
and of all the public speakers I ever heard, he was the most elo- 
quent. His greatness did not consist of his advising God what to 
do as Jonas Danberry does when he wants God to bust a hole in the 
roof of houses, but in getting into the lives of people, and trying to 
make them sweet, and as flowers are the adornments of beauty in 


2^8 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


nature and the emblems of the beauty of holiness, so the human 
heart should adorn itself with holiness. 

He exposed the hypocrisy practiced by men in high positions, 
and preached the doctrine of honesty and purity in politics and 
business, and he seemed to want to lift all mankind up to that ideal 
man of perfection — Christ. His eloquence did not consist of roar- 
ing like a lion one minute and from sheer exhaustion whispering the 
next ; exhorting men to be terrible bold soldiers of the cross ready 
to stab anybody that didn't believe a certain way; and then manu- 
facturing crocodile tears in pursuing an imaginary sinner down to 
the grave, and seeing him tumble into the jaws of the dragon, leav- 
ing a large circle of friends to mourn his never ending torture, nor 
in pawing the air one minute with both arms and hands and one 
foot, and then with clenched fist spoiling the Bible and busting the 
pulpit by terrible blows, as Danberry and Jones, and most all min- 
isters do that I ever heard down to the village and out in the school- 
houses around there. But his eloquence is in his plain language, 
every word of which is fitted in the right place to frame sentences, 
full of thought and logic, and so simply uttered that every word 
was easily understood. Sweet flowers and refreshing draughts from 
a fountain overflowing with knowledge are handed you along with 
the sermon. 

I felt after the services was over that I had been to church, to 
a lecture, to a school-room, working in a flower garden and drinking 
from a spring of sparkling cold water, all at the same time ; and I told 
Mr. Harrison that it was the best treat I ever had. I told the mayor 
that he must excuse my ignorance and green manners. I meant all 
right, but I had never seen anything of the world in my whole life, 
so to speak, until the last ten days ; and I thoroughly appreciated 
everything new that 1 saw, and I appreciated that grand organ 
music, but I appreciated the value of such a man as Professor David 
Swing in a community more than all ; and if 1 was living in Chi- 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


239 


cago, and was the mayor, I would make it a point to hear such men 
every Sunday, for it would help me to be a better mayor. 

“ Oh, well,” said Mr. Harrison, “ if you lived here as long as I 
have, and had as much on your hands to attend to, you’d want to 
take a rest on Sunday ; besides, Chicago is chuck full of such smart 
men as Swing ; may be not quite as flowery and highly educated as 
he is, but nevertheless very smart men.” 

When we reached the mayor’s home we set down in the parlor, 
and Clarissa picked up the Sunday Tribune and about the first thing 
she saw on the first page was an article headed : “ Mr. and Mrs. 
Benjamin Morgan, the guests of Mayor Carter Harrison. They 
visit McVicker’s Theater, and add to the interest of the play.” She 
read it through and laughed, but was a little disgusted. 1 asked 
Mr. Harrison if he thought it was possible for us to do anything in 
that big city without the reporters getting hold of it. He told me 
he thought it extremely doubtful. 

That afternoon they took us riding all over the city, and showed 
us the waterworks, the cable car engine works, the Cook County 
Hospital, the Chicago Library, and several places of interest. In 
the evening several of his friends called. We got acquainted with 
John Van Pelt. Clarissa used to know him when he didn’t amount 
to much. But he had forgotten her. She thinks he don’t amount to 
much more now than he used to, except he may have more money, 
but she says money don’t make brains. Daniel Wren, one of Chi- 
cago’s greatest men, according to Fairbanks, and Mr. McCarthy (1 
believe they called him Buck) a gentleman they said was in the wire- 
pulling business for the machine, was introduced to us as Mr. Har- 
rison’s particular friends. Then a fellow called at the door and 
asked if Mr. and Mrs. Morgan was in. Mr. Harrison’s hired girl 
went to the door, and when the fellow asked for us, she said, 
“Faith, an’ how should I know ? this is the mayor’s home. I niver 
seed the Morganses. Fllgoax the ould man if them folks be here,” 
and she shut the door in his face and come to the parlor door, and 


240 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


said, “ Mr. Harrison, they be a gentleman as wants to know if the 
Morganses be in. I told him I’d ax you.” “ Well, you tell him 
they are here, but ask for his card,” he replied. Bridget went 
back to the door and said, “Yis, the Morganses be in here ; what do 
you want of ’em ? ” The stranger said he wanted to interview them. 
“Well, the mayor wants your pack of cards before you come in.” 
He said he hadn't brought ’em with him, as it was Sunday, but 
that he was a Times reporter. “ Well, thin,” she said, “you can 
just stay out there till l ax the boss if you kin git in,” and back 
Bridget came to the parlor door, and said, “Mr. Harrison, faith, and 
he said he left his pack of cards at home ; it being Sunday he didn’t 
think you’d want him to bring them along, but his name is Mr. 
Reporter of the Times and wants to interview the Morganses.” Mr. 
Harrison asked us if we wanted to be interviewed. I told him I’d 
rather go to bed, but Clarissa said she’d like to tell him some 
things. Mr. Harrison told Bridget to show him into the library, 
and Mrs. Morgan would meet him there in a few minutes. 

Clarissa met him in the library room. He bowed a very polite 
bow, and introduced himself to her as Mr. Gimlet, a reporter for 
the Chicago Times . and said as our arrival had caused quite a little 
sensation in newspaper circles, in consequence of the notice pub- 
lished in the Tribune , he desired to gain a little of our history, 
that he might publish it in the Times , as it was a little galling to the 
pride of that great paper not to be up to the Tribune . “Now, Mrs. 
Morgan, if you will be so kind as to tell me who you are, who you 
was and who you expect to be, providing you anticipate any change, 
how old you are, and what year, month and day you was born in 
(I’m not particular about the hour), where you was born, raised and 
educated, where you married your present companion ; how long you 
have lived in peace and harmony together, and how many scions 
have been added to your family tree; what are their respective ages 
and sex ; from whence come ye, and whither do ye go ? and any 
and all other information that you may see ht to add that you think 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


241 


may be of interest to the public, you can answer the questions in 
your own way. I can write as fast as a train can run.” 

I felt a little nervous to have Clarissa in that room with that fel- 
low, not that I didn’t have perfect confidence in her, but 1 was 
afraid he would annoy her. So I slipped into the library room just 
in time to hear his questions. There he sat with a block of paper 



“ READY AND ANXIOUS TO BORE A HOLE.” 


and pencil in his hands, the very picture of a gimlet, ready and 
anxious to bore a hole. Clarissa sat like a stone statue during his 
storm of questions. After he had come to a full period, Clarissa 
arose like a queen upon her throne, adjusted her specs, took a 
searching glance at him, and then said : “ Mr. Gimlet, you seem 
very anxious to write something ; so you may write, in reply to 
your many and several impudent questions, that I was born at a 

16 




242 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


time, and in a country, when and where folks thought it was all 
they could do to mind their own business, and let other folks’ 
business alone. The principal thing I have learned since 1 have had a 
visible existence in this world is, that those people as have nothing 
else to do but to hunt up other folks’ business and learn their secrets, 
turn out to be liars, backbiters, slanderers and black-mailers. They 
have all the essential elements of thorough hypocrites, and 1 want 
nothing to do with ’em. You can tell your newspaper that Mrs. Mor- 
gan and her husband, Benjamin, are two people that mind their own 
business, and keep their two noses out of other folks’ affairs. That 
they don’t pretend to be highly educated and learned in the ways 
of the world, but they manage to paddle their own ship. If they 
see fit to take an afternoon walk with a brass band, it is their own 
affair and nobody else’s. You are welcome to this amount of infor- 
mation, and now you are more welcome to go out the same way 
you come in," and she pointed to the door with a firm command in 
her appearance, while he gathered himself up in an awkward man- 
ner and twisted himself out of the door, with an attempt to apolo- 
gize for his intrusion. 

I felt proud of her once more, for she proved herself equal to 
the occasion. He had met with a Waterloo, but was allowed to re- 
treat with his right and left wings badly crippled, while his main 
column was completely shattered. It was a victory of good com- 
mon sense and self-respect over Chicago brass. 

The interview ended, we returned to the parlor, where 1 re- 
lated as best I could, the encounter and the result. Mr. Harrison 
was wonderfully pleased, and said he wished every reporter in the 
city could get just such a dose every time they met some one they 
wanted to pump. He said they had always been like a cancer to 
him, gnawing and gnawing away at his life blood. 

Mr. Wren, who was talking to M rs. Harrison, said, “ Carter, 
you hadn’t ought to pay any attention to ’em. They have buzzed 
about me ever since I have been a commissioner, but I don’t pay 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


243 


any more attention to ’em than I do to so many mosquitoes humming 
around my ears,” and he shook 350 pounds of human flesh in an 
attempt to laugh, while John E. Van Pelt said mosquitoes was 
dreadful annoying, for, while they was buzzing around, that they 
was mighty sure to light and bite, and his forced grin clearly showed 
that something had sucked away his life blood, until ninety on the 
scales would be a hard thing for him to turn. I asked them if 
skeeters was very thick in Chicago. He said the kind we had in the 
library room was most mighty plentiful ; he dreaded the winter 
from them kind more’n he did the summer from the swamp mos- 
quitoes, for he could keep the latter out of his house by bars, while it 
was impossible to keep the former out of his secrets and his busi- 
ness transactions. 

Mr. Harrison said, “ Never mind, John; don’t cry till you're 
hurt.” Wren smiled all over, and said, “Coming events cast their 
shadows away in front of ’em.” I couldn’t understand very much 
what they was drivin’ at, and, being tired, Clarissa and 1 thought 
we would retire, so we went off up-stairs to bed. 


244 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


CHAPTER XXIII. 



HAT night there was a heavy snowstorm, and Monday morn- 
ing Mr. Harrison had his private coachman bring around his 
private sleigh, and they took us down to the City Hall, where 
th e great man left us with an an resivoir which I didn’t know what it 
meant, and the driver took Mrs. Harrison and the rest of us all 
around the city. We went to Mr. Lincoln’s park , and then to South 
Park, and then to Mr. Garfield’s park, and we see more city than 1 
ever dreamed there was. 

By the time we got home it was one o’clock. After lunch we 

l 

was setting in the private parlor, when the door bell rang, and Mr. 
N. G. Rosster presented his card, with a request to see Clarissa and 
me. He was shown into the parlor, and although Clarissa hadn’t 
seen him for nigh onto a quarter of a century, he recognized her to 
once, and seemed glad to meet her. After an introduction to me 
and Mrs. Harrison, he said he had called for us to go to his house. 

Mrs. Harrison seemed sorry to have us go, for she said she had 
enjoyed our visit so much. She had been on the laugh most of the 
time, and Carter had said that he had felt more chirked up since we 
come there than he had at any time since they arrived here on their 
wedding return, and urged us to make them a visit on our return 
from California. 

We left their beautiful Ashland Avenue residence with pleasant 
memories of a delightful visit and wishes lor the prosperity of the 
Harrisons, and the hope that Chicago would make him its mayor 
for life. 



“ WE WENT TO MR. LINCOLN’S PARK 







m 










































































































EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


247 


Seated in the magnificent private sleigh of Mr. Rosster, we 
drove down to State Street, thence south to his residence. We 
thought we had seen some fine houses, but Mr. Rosster’s residence 
beat anything we had yet seen. It was beautiful outside, but it was 
a perfect marvel of beauty and richness inside. In all its appoint- 
ments comfort seemed to have been the great aim, and the mark had 
been hit right square in the center. 

We had a delightful visit in the afternoon, and in the evening we 
went to the opera — that is what they called it — at the Chicago Opera 
House. The theater was full. We had some preserved seats that 
was kept empty on purpose for us, as we didn’t get there till 
pretty late. 

Mr. Rosster gave Clarissa a pair of spy-glasses, and told her to 
look at the folks on the stage through them after the curtain was 
pulled up, and she could tell better how they looked. Mrs. Rosster 
had a pair, too. Then they bought some books of some boys that 
went through the crowd selling ’em. They called them librettoes. 
I asked him what he wanted of them. He said that was the opera, 
and by reading it we would understand the play. In a few minutes 
the curtain pulled up, and there was fifteen or twenty men and wo- 
men, all dressed up in fantastics representing people from other coun- 
tries and in other times, and while the orchestra played furiously, 
they all broke out singing, and done their level best to drown the 
orchestra. All the way through they made the most fearful work 
in trying to sing l ever saw. Sometimes a feller would have his 
hand on his heart, and then on his head, and some other feller would 
point a pistol and a sword at some one else, and threaten to kill 
them, and all the way through it was just a mixedupness. 

I tried to read the book, and when I done that I couldn’t see 
’em play, and when I looked up to see ’em play I lost my place in 
the book. So between the book and the stage I got so mixed up I 
couldn’t understand a single word. I just wish Melancthon Stevens 
could have had hold of ’em and trained ’em; he’d learned ’em so 


248 


SIIAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


they could sing so folks could tell what they was singing, for Me- 
lancthon prides himself on learning his pupils to pronounce their 
words while singing, so folks can understand them. 

After the show was out, I could hear lots of the ladies and gen- 
tlemen say that it was “ Perfectly splendid “ It was grand !” and I 
know well enough they was shamming, for I don’t believe there 
was one in the house that knew half they sung or said. I don’t want 
any more opera for me. I’ll take the old fashioned singing school, 
with its do-re -me-faw-sol-la-se-do, than the teedle-teedle-teedle ; 
tidle— tidle— tidle— tidle ; twadle-twadle-twadle ; bubble-bubble-bub- 
ble ; bum- bum-bum, etc. 

Clarissa told me, after we went to bed, that she tried to look 
through them spy-glasses, but her specs bothered her so she 
couldn’t see anything with them. She didn’t want to let Mr. and 
Mrs. Rosster know but that she enjoyed the opera, as they was so 
kind to take us, but really it was tortures to her. 

The next morning Mr. Rosster took us down to the Board of 
Trade and showed us all through the building, and then took us into 
the Exchange Hall , where all the buying and selling is done. 

Of all the din and racket and roar I ever heard, that place beats 
them all. If every lunatic in the State of New York was turned 
loose in one big room they couldn’t make a worse noise. There are a 
lot of steps built up around an open space on the floor, and they 
call that the wheat bin ; and then a little south of them is another 
circle of steps they call the corn bin, and west of the wheat bin is 
another they call the pork bin, and the men that want to buy or 
sell wheat, or corn or pork, get into these bins, and on the steps, 
and when the time comes to open the board, which means to com- 
mence trading, they begin to yell at each other as loud as they can 
holler, and they’ll shake their hands right in each other’s faces. 
Sometimes they’ll shake one finger at a fellow ; sometimes two fingers, 
then the whole hand, and sometimes both hands. I thought they 
had got into some terrible fuss, and I told Mr. Rosster that 1 guessed 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


249 


I’d go. “ What for? ” said he. “ ’Cause I never was a hand for a 
fight, nohow, in my life,” 1 replied. I thought there was going to 
be a tremendous fight sure, but he explained it all to me and showed 
me how that when one fellow hollered to another, and threw one 
finger out toward him, he wanted to sell 5,000 bushels, and when 
he threw out two fingers, he wanted to sell 10,000, three fingers, 
30,000 ; the whole hand, 50,000 bushels, and if the other fellow held 
his hand toward himself with the same fingers up, it showed he 
would buy the corresponding amounts. 

After Mr. Rosster explained the whole process, I said, “ Well, 



'‘sometimes they’ll shake one finger, sometimes two.’* 


Mr. Rosster, I think I understand it : it’s just like that game them 
fellows learned me on the train between Buffalo and Cleveland. 
They called it poker. The fellow that holds the best hand, takes 
the pot, but once in a while a fellow that didn’t hold any kind of a 
hand, won the collaterals by a scheme that is practiced extensively 
in all departments, called bluff. A fellow that can handle the 
cards fine, they tell me, can so manipulate the dealin’ of ’em, as to 
bring the winning cards into his own or his partner’s hand. And, 


250 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN'S 


so far as I can see, it is just so here. A few shrewd, long-headed 
fellows have been operating on the board so long that they un- 
derstand just how to manipulate the deal, and they generally take 
the pot. They don’t do it very often, as the)' would scare away the 
game, but as often as the pile is big and fat, they will manage to call 
it in.” Mr. Rosster said, “Well, Mr. Morgan, you have hit it pretty 
close ; but we are no more gamblers here than you farmers are. 
You risk your time, hard labor and seed against the elements, with 
the hope and expectation of winning a good crop, and frequently 
you lose it all. It’s a game of chance with you, and so dealing in 
the grain after it is raised, is a game of chance in which the members 
of the Board of Trade take their risks. These old boys that have 
been here for a long time, have grown wealthy ; they are scientific 
shearers, and know how to take a fleece off of a lamb in quick time. 
Why! all these elegant residences you see, riding through the city, 
that belong to the Board of Trade men, and even this great costly 
temple built for purposes of trade, is virtually lambs’ wool, for the 
rich fleeces removed from the tender lambs* have built them all. * 
The successful shearers are known as great financial men, and re- 
ceive the fat of the land, but the poor, tender lambs, chilled by the 
frost of a cold world, crawl into some fence corner and die, and are 
heard of no more.” 

After leaving Mr. Rosster’s we went to the Palmer House to 
stay one night before we left the city. Mr. Palmer was there be- 
hind the counter and seemed dreadful glad to see us back again. 
The clerk handed me a pen, and I wasn’t afraid to step up, and in 
my best manner write, “ Mr. and Mrs. Benjamin Morgan, Morgan- 
ville, N. Y.” They gave us one of their fine parlor bedrooms, on 
the same floor the dining-room is on. As we was about starting to 
our room, the clerk took out a great big bunch of letters and looked 
them all through, and handed me two. One was directed tome, and 
one was to Clarissa. After we had got seated in our room, I opened 
my letter and read it. The following is an exact copy of it : 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


251 


“ DEER PA 

“we havunt had a letter from yoU sense You left hum morne tu weeks ago and we be- 
gin tu feel, Alarmed at your not writing, Tu us i got a paper, called the Chicago tribune, 
that sum wun sent tu ben brown down tu the villege and he let me take it, and i brot it hum 
fur mary tu read, thay wuz a long peece printed in it about you and ma, and the brass band, 
bigolly I wish id ben thar, fur i like brass BanDs and pi bettern ennything and every buddy 
In the naburhud haz red it and last nite when i wuz down tu waddles Korners, skule house 
tu the liseeum thay wanted me tu speek a peece or reed a seleckshun. so i red that peece about 
you, and youd jest ort tu hav ben thar, the house wuz crowded full, and when I red that, i 
never hurd such a rore uv laff in my life mary wuz hoppin mad coze i red it. and sed she never 
wuld let me dun it if she had noed i wuz goin tu, but i tell’d hur i wuz glad you had so much 



EBENEZER PLUNKETT. 


fun in that big sitty. and i wanted tu let em no what a good time you wuz havin, and make 
our jellyus naburs feel mad a little while, jim teeters haz got hiz skrape hxt up, and got out uv 
jail and the methodist church and hez sold out hiz grosery tu eb plunki 1 whu tuk, I ossesshun 
last friday and give mary a grate big bagful uv Candy Last Saturday and left the \illege fur 
sum place out wesc thay say he, Haz gone tu Chicago and dassent never cum back hear fur 
fear the methodists will lick him and ebeneezer iz having a good trade and a good time with 
mary. i’ll bet fore cents tha’ll be married tu each uthur before you git hum it you dont hurry 
fur thay act jest as if thav’d di putty soon if thay wuznt, the hired man and the brindul steer 


252 


SHAMS; OR, UNC1.E BEN’S 


had a runaway and the steer got the best uv jim and twisted hiz horn over so it lops rite down 
over hiz i. i dont see how he did it, but jim sed he bellered like thunder sara smuggins 
spraned hur left fut in the same place. She did last spring slip on the ice out by the pump, 
george Waddles haz had hiz trial and the juge fined him 3000 dollars and costs and told him 
if he didnt pay in ten days he'd send him tu sing sing fur 2 years, and you no that wuld be 
darn tuff on george, fur he cant sing a tune thru rite alone tu save hiz gizzard and fur him tu 
sing sing fur tu years if i wuz he which i am glad i aint, i’d rathur stay in Jail, pleeze rite tu 
us, and send us sum more papers, if they say sumthin funny about you, Sa dad dont let 
enny uv them sharpers git your munny. eb and i am both afraid uv it, he iz the fraidest. 
'Fell nia if you see hur that i am awful humsick without hur, and i wish she wuz hear, and 
kiss hur fur me Mary and the horses are all rite, you neednt worry about ennything about 
hum, az i’ll take care uv every thing, 

Your sun Abe. 

“ P. S. ebeneezer jest drove up and hollered fur Mary tu cum out coze he had a skittish 
horse and culdnt stop longenuff tu git out.” 

After I had read Abe's letter, Clarissa read her’n ; it was from 
Mary, and run as to wit : 

“ Morganville, Blank Co., N. Y., Nov. 25, 1886. 

“Dear Ma : 

“ I don't see why you don’t write to me. I have been down to the village or sent down 
by the neighbors every day for the past week, in hopes of getting a letter from you, but each 
and every trip has been rewarded by disappointment. Had it not been for the Chicago Trib- 
une sent to Mr. Brown, and which Abe (the idiot) has made public property all over the 
county, I would have no knowledge of your whereabouts. I felt provoked at Abe for read- 
ing that article at the lyceum the other evening, for it made me real ashamed to think you had 
become a show for the city of Chicago to laugh at. I know it is not your fault, but Pa’s. 
He ought to have known better, but as you are having a nice time to make up for it, I don’t 
know that I am very sorry after all. I want your advice on a very important subject. Eben- 
ezer has bought out Jim Teeters’ store and taken possession, and he is up here to see me every 
night, and teasing me to go in partnership with him. He says he can’t run it alone success- 
fully. That while his body is there in the store, his head is down here with me all the time ; 
and if I would only go in partnership with him right away and move down there, then he could 
have his head and body together in the store, and could make a grand success in business. 
He says if I will go in with him he will furnish all the capital and pay the minister besides. 
Now, Ma, I never had such a splendid chance to go into business, and I want to take his 
offer. It is a life long partnership, and Eb is so anxious he can’t wait without injuring his 
trade considerable, and I don’t want his trade injured, so I want to know if I hadn’t best to 
say yes, and let him set the time. Now, please tell me I had better do so. We can have the 
celebrating party after you get home. I can get Dolly Doolittle to come and keep house for 
Abe and the hired man until you get home. I had some photographs taken for Ebenezer. I 
send you one. I had it taken with my summer clothes on, just as I was dressed when I 
went to Nancy Boyle’s wedding. Eb wanted it that way. \Ve had a Thanksgiving party 
here last Thursday, and Eb took Pa’s place at the table, and they cracked lots of jokes at his and 
my expense. 1 just felt as if I would like to be Eb’s partner, and feel that way more’n ever, and 
I wish you would write me a good letter so I can show it to Ebenezer. It will tickle him 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


2 53 


half to death. Then I would have lots of pleasure in showing- him what a good nurse I can 
be in curing him up. I shall take it for granted that you will write as I want you to, for you 
are such a dear good mamma. So I will now ask your advice as to how I shall make my 
wedding clothes, and what to get. I know you have such good taste in dress, and then you 
have seen the folks in the big cities and know how they dress on such occasions. I don’t 
want anything very extravagant. Pa left money enough with me for all I want. I can get 
Sarah Smuggins to make my outside dress, and 1 guess I can make the rest of the things my- 
self. Eb says I needn’t get any furniture or bedclothes for he will buy everything we need 
in that line as a part of the capital stock in the new firm’s business. I do need some new 
stockings as mine are all worn out, and I have darned them so much that they are a darned 
lot to look at. They have got a real pretty green silk at Brown’s store, I think would 
be just the thing. I can trim it in cardinal red velvet for the wedding, and this winter, and 



MARY. 


next summer I could take off the velvet and put on black lace, so it will do for my nice dress 
a long time. I shall await your answer, however, before I buy anything, and will be gov- 
erned by your advice largely, but oh, do say yes, and I’ll love you ever so much if you will. 
Tell Pa not to chase up the street cars until he has tired out all the brass band wagons in the 
city, and that I love him still with all his failings, for he is a dear good honest and kind 
old Pa. Your loving daughter, Mary. 

“ P. S. Eb is here and wants his love to you and Pa put in this letter, and here it is : 

“ I luv to make munny, 

I like my pa ; 



SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 



I luv to eat hunny, 

I luv my ma. 

But I luv my Mary 
And hur good ma, 

More muchly than ’nary 
Mun’ hun’ and Pa. 

“ It’s the dream uv my life, 

A muthur-in-law ; 

And Mary for my wife 
With hur good sweet jaw 
To assist in the strife 
With the world so raw, 

And brass band, drum and fife 
And Mary’s pa, Pa-w. 

“ I’ve just bot out Teeters 
Munny tu make; 

With Mary and meeters, 
Hunny and cake, 

We’ll ketch the old skeeters, 

W e’re bound tu take, 

We’ll show them two sweeters 
That’s wide awake. 

“ So tu give us a start, 

A cup full of bliss 
That’ll gladden Mary’s hart, 
Pleeze du say Vis. 

And axcept on my part 
Fur all uv this, 

The esteem uv my hart 
And a big kiss.” 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


255 




CHAPTER XXIV. 

i LARISSA was visibly affected by Mary’s earnest letter. I 
. could see the rain water drip off the end of her nose occasion- 
v ^ ally, like sap from a spile, but when she came to Eb’s poetry 
I thought she’d just bust, and when she had finished the letter, she 
removed her specs and wiped her weeping eves, while she looked 
toward the ceiling for mansions in the skies, and after she had re- 
gained her normal (normal is a medicated term and used only by 
doctors, but I borrow it for this particular purpose) condition, she 
spoke as follows, to wit : “ Benjamin, you have heard Mary’s letter; 
what do you think of it?” I said 1 thought it was a dumb good 
letter, and I was awful glad she had wrote it. 

“ But that haint what 1 mean,” she said ; “ l want to know what 
you think about her request, and about her marrying Eb before we 
get home.” 

“ I don’t know ; what do you think ? ” said I. 

“Well, we’ve known all along that that’s been their intentions, 
but I didn’t expect they’d want to marry before next summer. I am 
surprised at Eb ; he is worth more’n I had any idea, and he is smarter 
than any one in that neighborhood, and his going into business in 
the village will give Mary a good position in society at the very 
start, and looking it all over, I think it’s best to do as Mary suggests.” 

1 said I fullv agreed with her, and that long ago, and now since 
she had expressed her opinion, 1 was fully convinced that Mary’s 
head was level, and 1 asked Clarissa to write Mary a good let- 
ter, and slip a fifty-dollar bill into it for her to buy stockings, with 


256 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


my compliments and good wishes for a successful trade, but be sure 
to tell Ebenezer to have nothing to do with them hayscales as it is 
a sign of bad luck, but to be honest and just, and give down weight 
if he has to charge a little extra for it. Tell Marv she needn’t 
worry about me ; my legs are good for a few more days in Chicago, 
and I have just as much to laugh at here as the folks have to laugh 
at me about. Tell her I am the same honest pa I always was, and 
the most honest pa she ever had. 

Clarissa wrote as follows: — 

“ Palmer House Spare-bed-room, 

“ Chicago City, Nov. 28th, 1886. 

“ My Dear Daughter: 

I ain glad to get your letter, and altho’ I am wonderfully surprised at your sudden de- 
cision, and earnest desire, I am, after thinking it all over and looking at it in all its bearings, 
satisfied to have you do as you wish to in the matter. Ebenezer is a smart young man, and 
I believe will make you a good reliable husband. I afn surprised to find he is a poet. I am 
sorrv I have not time to write you a long letter and give you full directions in all matters 
pertaining to your contemplated partnership. We have an engagement to go to the Theater 
with Honorable John Wentworth this P. M. and I have no time to spare now, but will write 
again in a few days. For the present I will suggest that you have your silk dress cut and 
made in the Queen Ann style. 1 see everything here is running that way. They cut and 
build their houses, and bedsteads, and bureaus and chairs and looking-glass frames and 
dresses and cloaks and bonnets, Queen Ann style. I’ll send you a book of Butterick’s patterns 
to aid you in. selecting your style of dress. One thing, don’t, under any circumstance, have 
it cut goring, for that is all out of fashion. I inclose you a present from your pa, a fifty 
dollar bill, for you to buy stockings and sundry things to go into them, with his compliments 
and good wishes for your trade. Hoping you will under the pressing circumstances of the 
present, excuse my short letter, I will close with these touching lines — 

“ I want you to love one and t’other 
Better than trade and money ; 

I want you to love your mother 
Better than cake and honey. 

“ Remember, while it is sunshine 
That there may be cloudy days, 

And dont turn love into moonshine 
But be true in all your ways. 

Your own Mother, Clarissa.” 

The letters read and Mary’s answered, we was ready for 
supper, and supper was ready for us. As we entered the dining- 
room we seemed to be the observed of all observers, and the Afri- 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


257 


can waiters was awful polite to us, and they was all grinning. Cla- 
rissa was more nicely dressed than when we was at the Palmer a 
few days before, as she had been into Marsh Field’s big store and 
bought her a brand new silk dress ready made. It was right in the 
height of fashion. She got it at a bargain, as it was made for a 
wealthy Board of Trade man’s wife, but before they got it done he 



Clarissa’s queen ann d.ress. 


had gone long on so much stuff, that he got short of cash and was 
completely, teetotally, and now and forevermore busted, and conse- 
quently the dress was on their hands, and they was willing to sell it 
for what it cost to make it and throw in the price of the material. 
They told her to try it on and if it fitted, she might have it for 
twenty-five dollars. She tried it on and it fitted her better by a con- 
siderable sight than if it had been made for her. it was black crow 
*7 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


^58 

grain silk and shiny satin. There was one thing about it that both- 
ered Clarissa muchly, and that was a wire basket or chicken-coop 
arrangement in the back end of the skirt, to make it have the appear- 
ance of a city lot, narrow in front but running back a good ways. 
She never had anything of the kind on before. She wore it this 
afternoon the first time, and when she sat down to the table in the 
dining-room, it took her as much as five minutes to sit down com- 
fortable like without doing damage to the rear attachment to her new 
Queen Ann dress. I don’t generally try to listen to other folks’ con- 
versation, but 1 couldn’t very well help hearing the following talk 
going on between some women that was sitting at the table right 

O O o O 

back of us. It run about as follows, to wit : 

“Say, Mrs. Blatty, isn't that the woman that was here last week 
and received them bouquets?” 

“Yes, Mrs. Teller, that’s that Benjamin Morgan and his wife, 
Clarissa, the Tribune had so much fun about.” 

“ She is considerable dressed up to what she was then,” said 
Mrs. S meller. “Yes; but say, just look at that dress closely and see 
if you don't believe that that is the very identical dress that Mar- 

J J 

shall Field & Co. made for Mrs. Buncum.” 

“ Well, as true as you live, it is the same one, or one made ex- 
actly like it.” 

“ Why didn’t Mrs. Buncum take it?” 

“ Why didn’t you know he had failed, and lost every cent he 
had?” 

“ No, 1 hadn’t heard of it.” 

“ Well, it's so, and he is so badly involved that he can never re- 
cover, and she couldn’t pay for the dress. 1 was along with her 
when she ordered it, and it was to be $ 200 .” 

“Well, I’m glad of it. She used to fl y high and out-do all of us, 
here. 1 always knew she was a coarse, low-bred thing.” 

“Why, Mrs. Feller, how can you say that, when you and she 
was bosom friends while they was boarding here, and you copied 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


259 


after her in a great many things? 1 think she was a lady in every 
sense of the word, and I am truly sorry for her, and I am going to 
ascertain her whereabouts and call on her, and offer what assistance 
1 can, without offence.” 

“Mrs. Porter, Pm glad you think so much of her. I can’t af- 
ford to associate with any one that haint able to keep up to style.” 

Clarissa had heard every word, and her firm principles of right 
and honesty got the better of her sense of propriety, and she wheeled 
round in her chair and addressed the last lady that spoke, who hap- 
pened to be right back of her, as follows : “ Ladies, please excuse 

me for interrupting your conversation, but 1 can’t sit in the hearing 
of hypocrites without giving them a piece of my reproving mind. 1 
want to sav that any woman that is not a natural lady, and has not 
the essential elements in her of true womanhood, can’t afford to 
associate with anybody that can’t prop them up and carry ’em along, 
but a true woman can not only afford to continue to associate with 
her friends in adversity as well as prosperity, but they can better 
afford to do so than otherwise, for they elevate themselves to a higher 
position in their sex, and reflect more of the image of their Creator 
by such a course of life. Now, I don’t think it is any of your par- 
ticular business where I got my dress, so long as it is paid for, and 
don’t come out of you, but since you have made known to me the 

unfortunate lady’s circumstances, 1 shall find out where she is and 

^ - 

send the dress to her, with the compliments of an honest woman 
who feels sorry for them as is unfortunate. I can afford to do it, 
while you possibly can afford to cut her acquaintance. I don’t 
know but you may be a millionaire, but one thing I’ll prophesy, and 
that is you will see poverty before you die.’’ 

If a camphene lamp had bursted on that table it wouldn’t have 
cleaned them women out quicker than Clarissa’s shot of burning 
words. All but the one they called Mrs. Porter left the room with 
horror stricken and scornful complexions on their countenances. 
She came up to Clarissa and said, “ Although 1 am a stranger to 


26 o 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


you, yet 1 feel truly gratified to meet you as a representative of the 
true worth in woman, honesty and charity, and although it may 
shock some of the boarders at this hotel to hear such plain remarks, 
especially in the dining-room, it will do them some good, and may 
be the means of stopping some of the backbiting that is of too fre- 
quent occurrence. I shall be pleased to have you call at my room 
No. — , third floor, before vou leave the city.' Clarissa thanked her 

' m/ 

for her kind invitation, and said she would try to do so if she could 
get the time. 

By this time the African waiter came in with our supper, and 
we paid special attention to taking care of it. I was pretty hungry ; 
in fact, 1 am always hungry when it comes anywhere near meal 
time. After we had returned to our room, we engaged in a talk 
about the dining-room episode. I told Clarissa 1 was just on the 
point of asking that Mrs. Teller if she wanted to know where I 
bought my clothes, when she opened on them, and I was glad she 
did it, but just as likelv as not they would have the whole affair in 
the paper the next morning. While we were talking the Hon. J. 
Wentworth called and introduced himself to Clarissa by saying, “ I 
don’t know but you may have forgotten me, as it has been a good 
many years since 1 have seen you, but I used to know your father, 
Mr. Amasa Snodgrass, intimately when 1 was a young man in New 
Hampshire, and 1 knew you when a young lady.” Clarissa met him 
in a cordial spirit and said she remembered him as well as though 
their acquaintance had continued up to yesterday, and in fact, it 
would be quite impossible for her to ever forget such a long 
acquaintance. 

He said after noticing our arrival, he had recalled her to mind 
and thought he would renew the old acquaintance and also get 
acquainted with Mr. Morgan, therefore sent his card and invitation 
to us this morning. Clarissa then introduced me to him. 

H e sat down and for an hour he was the most entertaining gen- 
tleman I ever met. He is quite old in body, but young and vigor- 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


26l 


ous in mind, and is chuck full of wit and humor. He gave us a 
complete history of Chicago, and well he could, as he has been 
identified with its birth and wonderful growth. His description of 
its physical and political growth sounded like a thrilling novel ; his 
reference to scores of men — whose names are as familiar all over 
the United States as household words — and a summing up of their 
hypocritical characters, made me feel that the great Chicago was 
born in sin (of poor parents that was naturally well-meaning but 



“because it’s the only 


BUILDING I KNOW OF IN THE CITY THAT HAINT GOT A 
MORTGAGE ON IT.” 


wanted to make money so bad that they had left their honest clothes 
back yonder where they came from) and was cradled in iniquity, 
but when it got strong enough to get out of its cradle and go alone, 
it had become better, and had been growing better ever since, until 
now it was full as good as some of its neighbors, especially Cincin- 
nati, and New York. 


262 


SHAMS; OR, U NX LE BEN’S 


He told us that Chicago was a good deal like an animal that 
once in about so often, when its coat of corruption got too long and 
had a strong odor, would shake itself and shed it, and come out 
with a clean, slick coat. It done this when the Colvin government 
had become a sickening sight to honest people. “ And,” said he, “ I 
prophesy that about next spring she’ll shed her coat again, for Har- 
risonism is getting to smell pretty loud.” 

If 1 had time l could make quite a book on the play of “ high- 
spy ” by Chicago politicians, from what little l have heard since I’ve 
been here, but it wouldn’t be new nor interesting, as everybody 
knows all about it, for what the Tribune don’t tell on one side the 
Times does; so, after all this city is a good deal like a Christian 
ought to be, “ read and known of all men.” 

As the little clock on the mantel struck quarter to eight, Mr. 
Wentworth said it was time to go. We went to the Grand, right 

O ' O 

♦ 

opposite the Court House and City Hall. As we were passing in 
front of the courthouse Mr. Wentworth said that was the greatest 
curiosity in the city, pointing to it. I asked him how so? He said, 
“ Because it’s the only building l know of in the city that haint got 
a mortgage on it.” I told him he must be trying to sell us some 
cod, or mackerel, but I didn't take it in. 

We went into the theater and had some nice seats in the front 
row in the first balcony. That night we took the biggest trip that’s 
recorded in the pages of history, either sacred or profane. We went 
round the world in eighty days. The coolest man 1 ever met in my 
life was that ar Phineas Fogg. 1 suggested to Mr. Wentworth that 
they ought to elect him for Mayor of Chicago; 1 believe he’d clean 
out them anarchists completely. When the party was coming east 
from San Francisco on the Union Pacific Railroad, and got into 
them robbers’ gang and Indians, it made Clarissa a little nervous, 
and she said she was almost afraid to go over that road ; but Mr. 
Wentworth assured her that that was onlv in the play. A novel 
couldn’t be got up without having all the circumstances just right 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


263 


to show off the hero or heroine, or both, in the strongest light, and if 
the circumstances never did exist, the writer had to make them 
exist, and right there lay the strength and power of our great 
writers — the ability to create what never did and in all human prob- 
abilities never could, exist. That’s the reason Charles Dickens is so 
great, and one reason why he went home disgusted with America 
on his first visit, was that he found his extreme ideas more nearly 
realized here than he thought they could be in any country, and 
when he wrote his next book 'twas harder work for him to make 
new characters and new circumstances ; that’s what ailed Charles 
Reade, and a host of others. 

Clarissa regained her usual calm habit after his explanation. 
The trip completed, the money won, and the curtain dropped, we 
went home, bidding good-night in the office of the Palmer House to 
the greatest man by some inches, that Chicago can lay claim to as 
her own. 

We ascended the grand marble stairs to the parlor floor and 
wended our way to the spare bedroom we occupied. The next dav 
we visited the Home of the Friendless, the Public Library, the 
Battle of Shiloh, the Fat Cattle Show, the Chicago Waterworks, 
and called on some old friends we had run across. All of which we 
have not time to speak of, as the train we want to go on leaves at 
10:20 A. M. to-morrow morning. 

By the time we reached the Palmer it was 6 o’clock in the even- 
ing, and we was considerably wearied, if not more so. But an hour 
in the supper room and the grand meal we ate rested us so that after 
supper we went down to the “ Entre Sol ” and sat in the little bal- 
cony and watched the moving, restless crowd in the office room. 
We had not been sitting there long till we saw ’Squire B. B. Bigler 
and Jim Teeters walk in from the State Street entrance, and go up 
to the counter and register. Teeters had a satchel and a plug hat 
on, and evidently had just arrived, but Bigler didn’t have any, and 
kinder acted as though he’d been in there before. I kinder thought 


264 


SHAMS; OK, UNCLE BEN’S 


I’d like to find out about things at home, and know something about 
what they were here for, so I hollered out, ’Squire Bigler. 1 hol- 
lered three times before he looked up, but the whole crowd looked 
up as if they was surprised, but I didn’t care for that; 1 was too 
tired to go down there, and I wanted him to come up. When I got 
his attention he seemed wonderfully pleased, and he and Teeters 
come up where we was. He shook hands with me and Clarissa as 
if he was our son, and said he had been trying to find us ever since 
he read in the Tribune about our arrival. He said he had been in 
Chicago pretty nigh a month. He come here right from our neigh- 



“ I HOLLERED ’SQUIRE BIGLER.” 


borhood. He said his defeat in the election last fall was just the 
best thing that ever happened to him, for now he had got a position 
as assistant to the general solicitor of one. of the largest railroads 
that runs from Chicago westward. He gets good pay, and a chance 
to make considerable outside, and already he had got a big deal on 
hand for three or four silver mines in Colorado, and if he made the 
deals he would clear $150,000. 

He was awful glad to see us, and wanted us to come and see 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


265 


him before we left, but we told him we was going to leave in the 
morning. He told us if we went to Denver to be sure to stop at 
the St. James Hotel, and he would be very apt to meet us there 
as he was going out there the latter part of next week. He hadn’t 
sent for his wife yet, as he was waiting to get a house to move into, 
that he had the promise of. 

Teeters came up and shook hands with us, and took a seat and 
waited till Bigler got through before he said anything. He looked 
and acted cheap enough. He told us all about things around the 
village, and about selling out, and said he left there yesterday morn- 
ing, and had just come in. He said Waddles had got out of jail, but 
had to pay about $1,875 an d costs; he was now trying to sell out, 
and if he succeeded he was going to move to Chicago. 

After Clarissa and I went to bed 1 told her that I didn’t wonder at 
what Mr. Wentworth said about the city in its early days. If three 
such men as Waddles, Teeters and Bigler should move to Chicago 
from every neighborhood in the United States it would be the largest 
city in the world, and the most hypocritical. It was a good thing 
there was honest women and mothers here, and that children was 
born regularly every year, otherwise it would perish from the face 
of the earth. One thing I am glad on, that is my reasoning is not 
true in facts, for where one swindler moves to this city, five good, 
likely, well-meaning and honest people come along to keep them 
down. 

Clarissa signified a desire on her part for me to shut my mouth 
and go to sleep, so she could sleep and rest. As her desire is law 
to me, I at once obeved. 

The usual roar and rattle of wagons and the endless cry of the 
newsboys awoke us at an early hour, and Clarissa packed our things 
and had everything ready for us to leave before we went to 
breakfast. 


266 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


CHAPTER XXV. 

4 FT ER breakfast we had our baggage taken to the Chicago & 
Northwestern Railway depot, and after urging Mr. Palmer to 
make it convenient to make us a visit if he ever come our 
way, we bid him and his smart young clerks good-by and walked 
over to the depot. We preferred to walk so we could step into 
Mr. Harrison’s office on our way and bid him good-bv. We found 
Mr. Harrison in, and as he shook our hands cordially he urged us 
to return via Chicago and give him a visit, so he might know how 
we got along. We expressed our gratitude for his kind treatment 
and attention, and told him if ever he came to the village, although 
1 wasn’t its mayor — for two reasons, first, the village wasn’t big 
enough to have a mayor, and second, I lived eight or ten miles out 
of it — I would do all in my power to return his kindness. We walked 
on to the depot. We got there about twenty minutes before the 
train left, and I had plenty of time to get my baggage checked. 

W e finally got on the train, and l secured two down-stair bed- 
rooms in the sleeping car, right opposite each other. I had made 
up my mind to get as good accommodations for Clarissa on the 
whole of this trip as 1 could, whether Ketchem, IToldem & 
Skinem paid it or not, as it would, in all probability, be the last 
trip of the kind we would ever take. 

As the train pulled out of the depot and we were leaving the 
city of Chicago, I felt a pang of regret, as we had passed several 
days, with the exception of the first, most pleasantly within its lim- 
its. It had been both a school and playhouse for us. We was con- 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


2 67 


stantly learning- something new, and being amused at the same time. 
The fact that we two green country folks had, at the very outstart 
of our great Western trip, visited the greatest city on the American 
Continent, had met many of its most prominent citizens and been 
received by them in a most cordial and friendly manner, made our 
departure in one sense regretful. 

I am well satisfied, although unacquainted personally with other 
cities, that for push, vigorous prosecution of business, friendly feel- 
ing, and power to manage its own affairs, ability to rise above all 
disasters and obstacles, nerve and pluck, it is the greatest city in 
America, and it’s only a question of time when she will be the great- 
est in population, as she has got plenty of room to grow. I am 
fully satisfied that Jim Teeters’ project of hiring the river there and 
shedding it over for bathhouses won’t work worth a cent, for three 
reasons : First, he’ll never have money enough to do it ; second, he 
never can get the water clean enough and smell sweet enough to 
answer the purpose, and third, almost every house has got a bath- 
tub in it, and the folks you meet on the street are as clean a looking 
lot as can be found anywhere. 

Clarissa had provided herself with some good books to read on 
the way, and after we was well out of the city she brought out a 
book from her satchel called ‘‘Shadows of the Future.” I asked her 
where she got it. She told me Mr. Harrison give it to her and 
told her he studied it considerable, and as he knew it pretty nigh by 
heart he could spare it as well as not. Nothing worth noting took 
place during the day until we arrived at Boone, where our train was 
detained about ten hours on account of an accident on the road 
ahead of us. We walked around the town and dropped into several 
stores and other places, and found a thriving, wide-awake town, with 
some large business houses. Doctors and drugstores seemed to be 
the most numerous, and seemed to have the most to do. The fur- 
niture dealer and undertaker seemed to have the next best business. 
1 talked with one or two lawyers. They said business was a good 


268 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


deal better since the State had passed a law known as the Pharmacy 
Act. They had a chance to work up all the business they wanted 
If they didn’t get it one way they could make it another. I met a 
lawyer there that knew Squire Bigler intimately. We didn’t disa- 
gree in our opinion of him. We went into the Wells House and 
found one of the most complete taverns I ever saw. The landlord 
saw we was strangers, and asked us who we was, etc. Of course 1 
knew he didn't want to pry into our private affairs, but still I saw he 
had a sort of a lingering, longing, gnawing appetite, that most all 
tavern keepers have, to know who you be? where you come from? 
where are you going? how long are you going to stop with me? 
how much money have you got, and how much of it can I get? So 
I told him my name was Uncle Benjamin Morgan, of Morganville, 
Blank County. New York, and this here woman was my wife, 
Clarissa ; that if he took the Chicago Tribune he had heard of us ; 
that we was on our way to California, was blocked here by a acci- 
dent on the road ahead of us, and we thought we’d look around a 
little. He was awful polite to us, and showed us all around, and 
then insisted on our taking dinner with him, which we did. When 
we come out into the office we noticed hanging on the walls in a 
gilt frame, the following : 


“DIRECTORY FOR THE USE OF TIRED, 


WEARY AND SICK FOLKS. 


“If you wish a doctor in Boone to find, 
The first in the block is Dock Ensign ; 
Next below according to our plan, 

Is our raiiroad doctor, Alleman ; 

Go up the next stairway not fearing, 

And you’ll find within Dr. Deering. 
Then comes the one on which we wager, 
The jolly good Doctor Stockslager ; 
Continuing on, the next below 
Is the ladies’ favorite, Doctor Rowe ; 
And in the same room without a jar, 
Dwells the scientific Dock DeTarr ; 
Within the next four walls’ inclosure 
Is to be found the oldest, Moser; 

But if little pills you are stuck on, 

At the next door you’ll find Huntington. 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


269 


“ With drugstores all of which are alive, 
Our city is blest with numbers five ; 

The first that keeps stuff colic to squelch, 
Is owned and operated by Welsh ; 

The next across the way you peek in, 

Is J. Peterson and McMechin ; 

The next* where you can stop your wailin’ 
Belongs to one Henry Thormalin ; 

As you go down, not very far. 

Is the establishment of DeTarr ; 





(IMMMLlimi 

■.HIM' 


,’r — 





0 lR£'C 70 R.y 

l!«l. amt Itlluuv 

TIRED WEARV& SICK FOLKS 

— -'I'Uift HiuiS. '• iiur. w 

1'lUl.H l.,». |,(U ut KMlhll 

**• ’ U H ,1 

f *(!S **l . 

AlH‘ n. t|l*. » t « 1 1 1 luc/if(5 

Hi tU«tf tilUivl lu CU%%t »l futAt.nt 



WELLS HOUSE. 


Step across the street and walk in 
To the store of Draper & Laugh lin ; 

When through with doctors and druggists, you lie 
On your sick bed, waiting to die, 

You want a coffin to hold your arms, 

You can get what you want, at G. W. Barnes. 

“ But if you take your meals at the Wells House, you 

WILL HAVE NO USE FOR EITHER OF THE ABOVE.” 

I merely introduce the above directory to show the novelty and 


2/0 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


ingenuity of Western men ; every man, woman and child in Morgan- 
ville, Blank County, New York, or down to the village would have 
died, buried themselves, been resurrected, brought before the Judge 
and received final sentence before they’d ever thought of such a 
scheme to get folks to eat at their tavern, but these Westerners are 
right up to the front in everything, while we old fogies down on our 
little potato patches, grubbing along with old dull hoes, don’t know 
half as much as we ought to. I shall always remember the village of 
Boone, with its doctors, drugstores and magnificent hotels. Our 
train was ready to start and we was aboard and ready, and we shook 
the dust of Boone off of our car wheels as we made a dive for the 
Des Moines River at a fearful down grade rush, and climbed out of 
its valley at equally as hard a grade on the opposite side. 

As we pass through the State of Iowa one cannot help being 
impressed with its beauty, although November is not a favorable 
season of the year to see beauty in landscape. Yet its undulating 
surface, with broad prairies and numerous streams, makes it look 
beautiful, even in the bleak and desolate November. 1 learned that 
Iowa derives its name from the Indians, and in their language it 
means “ the beautiful land.” It was originally part of the large 
territory of Louisiana, ceded to the United States in 1803. The 
first white man that settled within its borders was Julian Dubuque, 
a Canadian Frenchman, who in 1788 got a grant of a big tract, in- 
cluding the present city of Dubuque 'and the rich mineral lands 
nigh to it. It was admitted as a State into the Union December 28, 
1846. The first Constitution was adopted August 3, 1857. Every 
Iowan brags about his State unless he is in the liquor business, 
either as a buyer and consumer, or as a seller. Then he curses it. 
We passed the two Missis in the night, therefore I am unable 
to tell how they looked or describe their winter clothes, but they 
tell me that Sippy is more graceful and has a cleaner complexion 
than “ Soury.” 1 know the bridge over Soury is a wonderful 
structure of iron, supported by monstrous great iron pins that go 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


271 


right down into Soury’s bosom, and I'm told by some people that 
got on at Omaha that them iron pegs go clean through Soury and 
fasten themselves upon her grandparent called sub-strata , but I 
don’t pretend to believe all I hear these Omaha folks say, for all of 
’em that got on our train tell such big stories that they smell fishy. 
For instance, out of the ten Omahaians that come into our car at 
that city there was only one that didn’t tell some whopper about 
Omaha, and he seemed kind and didn’t speak a word during the whole 



day we was spinning along on the Union Pacific, and such state- 
ments as these was the burden of their remarks: “ Yes, sir; Tom, 

I tell you that Omaha in ten years from now will be a bigger city 
than Chicago.” “ Well now, Bill, you just bet your bottom dollar 
she will. You know that Phil Armour is going to move his pack- 
ing houses here from Chicago, and that will double her in less ’an 
five years. I just wish them are Eastern strikers would just go 


2/2 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


ahead with their strikes, for just as fast as they do the manufact- 
urers will just close up their establishments and find a location out 
West to move to, and I’m just tell i n ' you, boys, that if we work our 
pins right, we can get every one of 'em to Omaha.” 

“Now you’re shouting, old boy ; why last week Studebaker, 
from South Bend, Indiana, was in Omaha trying to buy seventy-five 
acres of land to move his big wagon factory on ; he went and looked 
at the land down on the fiats, and to day you can’t buy a lot 40x120 
down there within half a mile of the piece he looked at for less than 
five hundred dollars, and two weeks ago they would have been 
dumb glad to sold ’em at five dollars apiece ; why, I’ve got two lots 
right opposite the Cuzzins’ House that 1 tried to sell a year ago at 
$1,000, and to-day I wouldn’t thank a man to offer me less than 
$75,000 for ’em.” 

“Well! George, my advice to you is not to sell ’em for any 
such money as that. You just hang onto them and in ten years 
from now, with the present rapid growth of our king city, they'll 
make you a clean half a million.” 

“ I believe you, Ben, and l guess I’ll hang.” 

“ There is one thing, boys, you haint mentioned yet,” said a big 
bushy-headed fellow that had been silent up to the present, “and 
it’s a very significant indication of Omaha’s wonderful future, and 
that is this, Colonel Sellers is down in Kentucky organizing a col- 
ony of rich Kentucks, and is going to bring them up to Omaha, and 
go out to the northwest part of the citv and build a large addition. 
They will go into various kinds of manufacturing business, and that 
alone will double Omaha in less than one year. I received a letter 
from the Colonel last week, in which he states that everything is all 
ready, and the organization is complete except one thing, and that 
is the signing of the articles of agreement. That just as soon as 
the parties have all signed they will make immediate preparations 
to move, that he expects to have all the signatures within two or 
three days. Why, everybody over in Council Bluffs is putting run- 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


273 


ners under their houses, and just as soon as the river is frozen over 
solid, you’ll see more Council Bluffs’ residents sliding over to Omaha 
than there are bees in a hive.” 

The remarks of the last gentleman seemed to be the Bartholdi 
story of the party. A dead lull seemed to rest upon us all. I had 
become so interested in their descriptions of the future of Omaha, 
that the suspense caused by this lull was more’n I could bear, so 1 
went over and set down beside the man that had not thus far uttered 
a word, and I spoke in a quiet way to him so as not to attract too 
much attention, and asked him if he could give me a correct idea of 



OMAHA WITH COLONEL SELLERS* ADDITION. 


the size of Omaha, its population, facilities and future prospects. 
He turned his face to me, and with a grin that closely resembled a 
cross between that of a monkey and a son of the lost tribe of Israel 
shook his head and give me to understand that he did not under- 
stand me, when I repeated my question more clearly and in a louder 
voice, and in reply received the same shake of the head, and the 
same idiotic smile. I repeated the question four times, increasing 
the power of vocalization each succeeding time, when one of the 
gentlemen in the party said, as he spoke between his laughs, “ Ha, 
ha, ha; say, he, he, he, stranger, ho, ho, ho, that ar feller, hu, hu, hu, 
is deaf and dumb. Wha, wha, wha.” 

I said, “ Thanks ,” and I said to Clarissa when I returned to our 


iS 


274 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN'S 


seat, “ God bless Omaha." “What lor?” she asked. “ Why,” said 
I, “ she has got one citizen that can’t lie ! That fellow over there is 
deaf and dumb.” 

The fellow that told the Bartholdi story overheard my remark 
and said, “Stranger, perhaps you don’t believe what we have said 
concerning Omaha, and I am not surprised at all, as I can scarcely 
believe it mvself.” I said, “ I thought so when I heard you.” “ Wait 



till 1 finish my remarks,” said he, “ but I know it is just as I have 
stated.” 

“ Well,” said 1, “ I am surprised that we folks back in New York 
State haven’t heard of your wonderful city. I remember reading 
about Omaha in our village paper about twenty years ago, as a 
pioneer village where the Union Pacific Railroad started from, but I 
hadn’t any idea before now that the sun rose in a town on the Mis- 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


275 


souri River, or that it had its golden bed there, but I don’t know 
much about geography, and if Clarissa says it is so, I’ll believe it,” 
and I turned to Clarissa and asked her how it was. 

4r 

She replied with considerable indignification “ that the sun 
didn’t rise nor set in any town, city or country.” She said she had 
very often heard of Omaha, but she didn’t think it had any such a 
wonderful future before it, for if it had. Carter Harrison would have 
said something about it, and would, in all probability, be figuring 
on his prospects of being its mayor some future day, after he has 
got Chicago on a good social and financial basis. She might, how- 
ever, discover something in her book of “ Shadows of the Future.” 
She hadn’t read but a few pages yet. If she did, she would call my 
attention to it. 

The Omaha gentlemen soon after arranged themselves into card 
parties and went to playing for fun, to pass away the time. They 
asked me to take a hand with them, but I told them I didn’t know 
anything about cards, and didn’t want to, but that I didn’t have any 
objections to Omaha making millions and having all the fun they 
wanted ; for which they thanked me. The remainder of the trip, 
until we arrived at Cheyenne, was rather dry and monotonous 
within the cars and still more monotonous and uninteresting with- 
out. The broad plains, shorn of every evidence of vegetation, 
seemed like an immense corpse, while the whistling, chilly wind 
sounded like a funeral requiem. Before arriving at Cheyenne, I 
told the conductor that I'd like a lay off check for a few days, as we 
wanted to go down through Colorado. 

We left Cheyenne on the afternoon train on the Denver Road 
and arrived in Denver in the evening. When the conductor called 
on me for tickets, I handed him what I got in Syracuse, and he said 
that was no good to him ; there was nothing among them that enti- 
tled me to ride on his road. Then 1 pulled out the advertisement 
and showed it to him. He smiled and shook his head, and said that 
he had quite a number on his trains during the past ten days, in the 


276 


shams; or, uncle ben’s 


same fix. That l would have to pay my fare on his road ; that he 
would give me a receipt for the amount I paid him, and I could pre- 
sent it to the company’s office in San Francisco, and would no doubt 
draw it back, if the company was good for it. ‘‘Another Christian 
act !” 1 remarked. I paid him, or rather Clarissa paid him (for 
she had the money). 

When we arrived in Denver we went to the St. James Hotel, 
and after supper, which was about nine o’clock, Clarissa went to 
her room which was a front bedroom on the third floor, and I went 
out into the office to sit down a few minutes. I am not as quick 
about learning new things as some, but I am gradually, as the boys 
say, “gettin’ onto ’em.” Clarissa has instructed me in the use of 
kindlin' wood, and now I can take a double handful of the little 
splinters and sit down in a hotel office and jab my teeth with ’em 
and throw them around on the floor with pretty nigh as good grace 
and style as the average high toned boarder. 

I was sitting in the office of the St. James, my feet braced against 
the window casing, and leaning back in a comfortable old-fashioned 
splint-bottomed arm chair, and scattering the broken wood picks to 
the right and left in a professional manner, and thinking about what 
a wonderful traveler Uncle Ben was getting to be, and what sights 
he had seen, and what stories he would be able to tell the folks 
down around Morgan ville and the village — the biggest story of the 
lot I could tell ’em, as things run in my mind, being the Omaha 
boom, when some one slapped me on the shoulder, and said, “Uncle 
Ben, how are you ? ” Whether it was the suddenness of the shock, 
which seemed to electrify me, or the slipping of mv chair, that 
caused me to double up like a jack-knife and plant my seat of gov- 
ernment on the floor, with a dull thud, while head, heels and arms 
were confusedly mixed with the arm-chair, l am at present unable 
to tell, but upon recovering a position becoming to one of my years, 
I confronted the form and person of Squire Bigler, who seemed 
delighted to see me and begged my pardon for the accident, of which 





EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


2 77 








he had been the innocent cause. Fie drew up his chair and both of 
us being seated in a sensible manner, he went on to tell me when he 
come in, and his plans, etc. 

Said he, “Uncle Ben, you know what I told you in Chicago?” 
“Yes.” “Well, I am on my way to Leadville, where I have got 
some large mining interests to look after, and f am going to make 
a fortune out of it. Besides this, Uncle Ben, I have got the biggest 
scheme on foot for big money that there is out. I’m going to get a 
few fellers that I know that have got money, and organize a big 
cattle company. I will get the feller that will put in the most 



“uncle ben, how’ are you?” 


money elected President, and the other fellers as directors, and get 
myself elected as Secretary and Treasurer. We can get plenty of 
men that are looking for places to put their money where it will 
bring them from 25 to 50 per cent, interest, to invest. We can put 
in one dollar on the hundred of the capital stock, cash, and then op- 
erate our scheme altogether on the money these outside parties in- 
vest. We can get any quantity of land in this State for grazing 
purposes, and not cost us a cent. And when we are organized we 


2/8 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


will get up flaming circulars and send them all over the United 
States, and in two years we can make a mint of money. Now, Uncle 
Ben, if you’ll go into this along with me I’ll assure you that you’ll 
make a splendid fortune in less than two years.” He went on for 
more’n an hour telling about his schemes and urging me to take 
a hand with him. 1 thought to myself I know the Squire just as 
well as if I’d made him, and with this knowledge I decided that 
Uncle Ben Morgan would be better off in two years hence to have 
nothing to do with Bigler. So l said to him : 

“Mr. B igler, your scheme looks very plausible, but I wasn’t 
born on Friday, and under the scheming star. I’ve worked hard 
for what I’ve got, and by hard work, economy and strict honesty 1 
have managed to get enough ahead to take care of me and Clarissa 
as long as we live, and leave something to the children, and 1 will 
let well enough alone and not take a hand in any schemes. I went 
into a little scheme on my way out here, between Buffalo and Cleve- 
land, and I have concluded to let schemes of all kinds alone. But,” 
said I, “Bigler, you go on with your scheme, and when you get in 
operation you write to me and send me one of your circulars and a 
statement of your organization, and I’ll show it to some of the folks 
around home.” 

After he had further developed his plans and showed to me 
more’n ever that he was a heartless hypocrite, I told him I was tired 
and going to bed, which I did. 

After 1 was undressed and ready to get into bed 1 tried to blow 

out the electric light. I fooled around the dumb glass thing for a 

long time, but I couldn’t And a hole in the thing to get the wind 

into it, so I had to call a waiter to put it out for me. When I got 

into bed I told Clarissa about meeting Bigler, and our talk. She 

said that Bigler would turn out like Teeters, a first-class swindler, 

unless he changed his course, and she didn’t think: he would be apt 

& 

to do that, as he has pursued a crooked line of policy all his life. 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


27 9 


CHAPTER XXVI. 

J HE next morning we took a line carriage and driver, and went 
A all over the capital city of Colorado. We was delighted 
with its splendid streets. They are as hard as the best ptived 
streets of Chicago, and much smoother. It is indeed a beautiful 
city — alike beautiful on account of its magnificent public buildings 
and private residences, its cleanliness and its location. The great 
Rocky Mountains raise their rugged peaks but a few miles to the 
west, like a huge wall to protect it from invasion by a foreign foe, 
while the plains stretch off to the east beyond human vision. 

One can almost imagine three camels, with their riders — one 
from the plains of New Mexico, one from the Northland, and one 
from the foothills of the Sierra Madre — converging at a given point 
in the east, being led thither by a star, so similar is this location to 
some of those places in Judea made famous in Bible story. 

Although it was the first day of December, yet the air was soft, 
mild and dry, and the ground free from snow, but the tops of the 
distant mountains sparkled like hotel clerks’ breastpins in the morn- 
ing sun with their covering of snow and frost, and occasionally I 
could see flashing clouds of crimson light fly up to the blue sky 
above, just like I have seen a real genuine blush fly up on a girl’s 
cheek at a corn-husking when she found a red ear and her fellow 
paid her for it in the customary currency used at corn-huskings. 
We visited Capital Hill, and every other prominent point in the city, 
and then we went out to the great silver smelting and production 
works managed by Professor (Senator) Hill. He happened to be 


there, and 1 introduced ourselves to him, and explained to him who 
we was and where we was from, and told him how anxious we was 
to learn what we could on our trip. He said he read about us in 
the Chicago Tribune about ten days ago. He seemed pleased to 
think we had called on him, and he took particular pains to show 
us all through the great works, and explained the entire process of 
getting the gold and silver out of the rock and separating it from 
the vulgar (Clarissa says that is the proper term for base, as it 
means the same thing. I use it here because I want to be proper) 
metals and refining it, and bringing it out pure and unadulterated in 
great bricks. 

I’ll be dumbed if 1 wasn’t educated more in the two hours I 
spent with Senator Hill in them works than 1 ever was in the seven 
winters 1 went to schools kept by young men that didn’t know but 
mighty little after all; but they wasn’t to blame for what they didn’t 
know, for, in all probability, they never had a chance to know much. 

1 tell you what it is, if anybody wants to know some of the 
practical things in this world that’s worth knowing, they should 
just take a trip and travel once in awhile, and when they see things 
they don't understand, just ask about it, even at the risk of being 
impudent; it’s better to be a bold, or even impudent, seeker after 
information you don't possess, but have a hankering for, than to be 
a cowardly fool — and they will learn more that will be of satisfaction 
to ’em than they can in any way for the same amount of money and 
time. 

Now, Clarissa and I learned in two hours at them great works 
what has caused the brains of the best heads years and years of 

i 

hard study and work, and the expenditure of immense sumsol money 
in experimenting. I find I am running away from what I started on, 
so I’ll do what the railroad boys sav, shut off and reverse. 

Had I the time, I would enter into particulars and say consider- 
able about Denver and its many institutions, its mint, its banks of 
various kinds, not omitting them as was organized and established 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


28 l 


by King Pftaraoh, and which have never lost their popularity ; espe- 
cially in the Western cities, they tell me that they are quite numerous. 
I think it was a blessing to Moses that Pharaoh’s daughter hid him 
from the old man, as, in all probability, had the old king discovered 
what a smart lad his daughter had found, he would have made him 
his principal dealer. But it is sad, however, to be made aware of the 
painful fact that Moses' nigh relatives are very fond of Pharaoh’s 



game, and spend much of their time nights in trying to beat the 
banker or amusing themselves with his fire poker. Sometimes they 
get their hands on the hot end of it and get burnt, sometimes to the 
extent of several hundred dollars’ worth. However, there are 
other kinds of people besides the sons of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob 
that do business at the old king’s bank. 


28 2 


SHAMS; OK, UNCLE BEN’S 


When we returned to the hotel for supper it was 5:30 P. M. 
(which means Post Master under the last administration), and we was 
glad to take a little rest in the parlor before supper was called. 
While setting there Mr. Bigler came in and greeted Clarissa with a 
real warm spirit and shake of hands. We went in to supper to- 
gether, and really it was pleasant to have his company, for he can act 
the finished gentleman in a most agreeable manner. He asked us to 
go to the theater with him, and we accepted his invitation. 

We went to Tabor’s Opera House, and saw the play of Three- 
eyed Richard. The building is a very fine, massive structure, and 
the theater room is nicer and more grand than any I saw in Chicago. 
We both of us liked the play very much, but I never knew there 
was such a confounded old rascal as that humpbacked old villain, 
Richard. I don’t know but that, after all, some of these days I’ll 
be compelled to disagree with Clarissa on the point of hell, for if 
there isn’t a hell, I think there ought to be for just such villains as 
this feller was, and several others I have met since I started out on 
this trip. 

The next day I was walking leisurely down the streets, swing- 
ing the gold-headed cane that Clarissa made me a present of, and 
looking at everything 1 saw, and if I was stopped and interviewed 
once on the subject of mines and mining stock, and asked to buy, I 
was a dozen times. Before I returned to the hotel for dinner I was 
so contused that both of my arms was lame and paining me. The 
wonderful fortunes that 1 could make in a very short time by the 
investment of a little money was appalling, and stronger minds than 
mine have tumbled down before such temptations. But 1 have 
managed to say, “ Get in back of me, } t ou golden tempter; I don’t 
want to be contaminated by ) 7 ou.” 

I don’t know what it is about me that conveys the idea to so 
many strangers that I have money to invest in every scheme that 
comes up, unless it is my gold headed cane and calfskin boots, and 
honest countenance. I was offered stock in the Dives, Pelican, Vul- 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


283 


ture, Blackhawk, Old Crow, Mudhen, Bluejay, Robin, Peacock, 
Turkey, Rattlesnake, Busted, Big Silver and Little Silver, Tom Cat, 
and every other animal name you can think, any one of which would, 
according to the seller’s story, make me a millionaire. 

The thought of so suddenly and in such a short time being made 
the richest man in America, and having such a burden thrust upon 
me was revolting to my nature, so 1 persistently declined being 
made rich on such short notice, and in such a short time. 

The two days I was in Denver l discovered that while the Den- 
verites are a very intelligent class of people, and are full of tact and 
push, the uppermost and controlling thought which seems to line 
their clouds of speculation by day, and gild their dreams by night, 
is money, money, money. I merely judge by those I met with ; per- 
haps the masses there are no more greedv than the rest of mankind. 

We made the tour of Central City, Georgetown, Leadville, 
Canyon City, Pueblo, Colorado Springs, Manitou, Pike’s Peak, the 
Garden of the Gods, and back to Denver. Of all the sights in 
nature I ever dreamed of, the most wonderful we saw on this trip. 

There is sufficient to till a large volume and be of intense inter- 
est to the average reader, if written by one skilled in such art, but I 
have only time at present to say but little about it. In rattling up 
the mountains and twisting through the canyons and gorges, you 
are apt to get a little dusty and smoked, and 1 would advise you 
when you get to Idaho Springs, to go down and visit one of the tall 
representatives of Blank County, New York, Harrison Montague, 
and wash off and swim in his big bathhouse. It is the most de- 
lightful bathing place in the whole world, so far as I’ve seen. The 
water comes from original headquarters, at just the right tem- 
perature. 

Colorado is a high State. The ground is high, the air is high, the 
mountains are high, the people are high, they look high, they think 
high, they walk high, and they talk high. Everything you look at is 
high. If you want to buy an) r thing it is high, everywhere you go you 


284 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


have to pay high for it. Clarissa seemed to till up with the spirit and 
air of the country, and she got high notions, and felt younger than I 
had ever known her to since I courted her; and when we was driv- 
ing through the Garden of the Gods, she was completely enthused 
with the spirit of rapture and admiration, and as we passed Cathe- 
dral Rock, at the very entrance to this wonderful garden, she ex- 
pressed a desire to climb up to the top of its lofty pinnacle and view 
the wondrous land we was entering into, as the eagle does from his 
superior heights, but we drove on, and she didn’t climb. 

When we come to the balanced rock the driver stopped the 
carriage and told us we could get out and go around the rock and 
take our time to see this wonderful piece of work that was supposed 
to have been begun by one of the ancient gods, who was driven 
out of the garden and murdered before he had completed his job. 
Jealousy on the part of the other gods is supposed to have been the 
principal cause of the dark and foul deed. 

He showed us all over the sides of the rock, where visitors had 
inscribed their names. As high up as we could see through our 
spy-glasses we could see names chiseled into its sides. Clarissa said 
she wished she could get up higher than any of them and cut her 
name, then she could always feel that Mary and Abraham’s mother 
had her name as high as any mortals in this mundane (I don’t ex- 
actly know what that word means, but some big writers have used 
it more or less frequently, and I guess I can) sphere, and it would 
be a source of pride, when she had departed from mortal scenes, for 
them to tell to their posterity and others, that their mother's name 
was recorded on high in one of the tablets of the gods — in Colorado. 
The driver, seeing she had a strong desire to do what so many 
others had done, thought he would assist her. 

He found, hid behind another big rock, a crude ladder, made of 
poles and sticks tied onto it with strips of rawhide. It looked very 
old, but he thought it would be safe. It had the appearance of 
having been made at the same time the rock was. The ladder was 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


285 


b r o 11 g ht f orth and placed 
against the rock, when, to her 
disappointment, it did not 
reach as high as she wanted 
to go by several feet. But 
the driver brought his ingenu- 
ity to bear upon the case, and 
got a couple more poles and 
tied on the bottom of the lad- 
der, and tied some more sticks 
across them and got it long 
enough to reach about a foot 
higher than the highest name 

1 

we could see. Clarissa is pos- 
sessed of not onlv considerable 

j 

nerve, but lots of inventive 
genius, and on this occasion 
she displayed both. She pin- 
ned her skirts tight around 
each ankle in such a way that 
a passing observer would have 
sworn (if in the habit of swear- 
ing) that she had on a pair of 
zouave pantaloons. 

When she had completed 
her toilet she proceeded to 
climb. Cautiously she stepped 
upon each succeeding higher 
stick, while the driver and I 
held the foot of the rickety 
ladder to keep it steady. She 
finally, amid squeaks and 
squawks and twistings of the 






286 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


ladder, reached the top stick, and the shriek of disappointment she 
uttered as she caught a glimpse, on the very summit of the rock, 
about twenty-five feet beyond her, the name, “ H. A. W. Tabor, 
Governor of Colorado,’ 1 was truly heartrending. But she opened 
my old jack-knife I had loaned her for the occasion, and proceeded 
to cut. She had cut the letters C L A, when the splicing strings 
the driver had tied the poles on with broke, and down came Clarissa 
and the ladder. As good fortune would have it, I and the driver 
caught her on the fly. It was a fearful fall for ail three of us. 
Clarissa was a total wreck so far as her habiliments and zouaves 
was concerned, and her hands and nose was covered with bruises, 
scratches and blood, while the driver had his nose knocked out of 
joint by Clarissa’s head coming in close contact with it, and my arms 
was stuck as full of pins as if I had caught a porcupine. We carried 
her to the carriage and carefully wrapped her in blankets and laid 
her on the back seat, while I and the driver got on the front seat and 
drove to the hotel in Colorado Springs as fast as we could. In fifty 
minutes from the time Clarissa left her “Cla” on the gods’ balanced 
rock, we was in our private room, surrounded with medicine and a 
doctor, sore from bruises and wounded ambition, and nothing left 
us but scars and meditation of ruined pride and blasted hopes. It 
was one day before she had sufficiently recovered from her shock 
andpain to be able to take the train for Denver, where we stopped 
over night. The landlord noticed she was powerful weak and con- 
siderable lame, and asked her what the matter was. She said she 
had met with a slight accident — that the climate and other things in 
Colorado was altogether too high for her health, and she had con- 
cluded to leave the next morning, which we did, via the C. C. R. R., 
arriving in Cheyenne in time to connect with the Union Pacific 
train west. I succeeded in getting Clarissa a down-stairs bedroom, 
but I had to take a bed in the loft. 


i 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


287 


CHAPTER XXVII. 



NCE more on our main line we felt a little at home. It is sin- 
gular, but nevertheless true, that when one is traveling a lone 
distance, the road that takes him to his objective point is re- 
garded as a sort of home, and when he leaves it for a few days and 
again returns to it, a home-like feeling seems to possess him. It was 
so in our case this time. We felt that for at least thirty-six hours 
we hadn’t got to make any changes, as we concluded t<*> not leave 
this line again until we reached the end of it at Ogden. Pulling out 
of Cheyenne, we made rapid time for about four or five miles, when 
the engine began to puff and snort and roll out the smoke in mon- 
strous great black clouds, as she climbed up the steep grade to Sher- 
man, the highest point on the Union Pacific Railroad. As the train 
stopped about five minutes, we stepped out on the platform, and 
filled our lungs with the air that circulates around the highest rail- 
road point on the American continent, which is about 9,000 feet 
above the level of the sea. Judging from the looks of the half-dozen 
natives we saw swaggering around the depot with their hands in 
their pockets, their mouths filled with tobacco, and dirty slouch hats 
drawn down over their eyes, I cannot say that a close residence to 
heaven has any great tendency to improve the human race. Look- 
ing off to the north we saw a huge pile of rocks they called “ The 
Skulls;” I suppose they are the skulls of them gods that made that 
garden down in Colorado. 

Leaving Sherman we went down a sharp grade about twenty- 
five miles, passing over Dale Creek on a bridge of iron trestle-work, 





288 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


130 feet high and 650 long, to Laramie City, the capital of Wyo- 
ming Territory. The little city is noted for its rolling-mill, its 
lonely location, and for its being the home of the famous “Bill 
Nye,” whose writings are like the climate and soil of his home, dry 
and sand}c sparkling with little gems. Two miles to the east of the 
city is Fort Laramie, where the government keeps a company of 
soldiers, when they haint down in the village getting high. After 
leaving Laramie we settled down into a sort of stupor ; everything 
without was monotonous, cold and uninteresting. In every direction 
1 looked, I could see distant rocky points of the Rocky Mountains. 
The sun had already dropped behind a rangeAf these rocky points, 
and his glimmering rays, streaking up the western sky like the 
framework of a Japanese fan, made me think of the dying fire in 
our old fireplace in the kitchen, before we lit the candle, when I was 
a innocent-boy. 

The brakeman come in and lit the lamps in our car. Presently 
a card party was organized, composed of three wholesale drummers 
and a newspaper man. 1 discovered this by their talk. I have 
learned one thing on my travels, that if you take the advice that 
Clarissa gives me, viz., keep your eyes and ears wide open and 
your mouth shut a reasonable part of the time, it wont take long to 
find out who nine-tenths of the passengers are, where they are from 
and where they are going to, and what the drift of their business is. 
Somehow or other, about nine out of ten, when they get on a train, 
get very talkative, and they grow confidential and tell more than 
they think they are doing, just as I did the first dav we started out, 
and about one-tenth are close mouthed and keep a keen eye on the 
rest. Well, I know 1 haint smart, but since 1 adopted Clarissa’s 
advice, 1 have learned lots. 

They proposed a game of whist. After deciding on their co- 
partnership, they went at it. The first round was won by a Chicago 
groceryman and a Boston clothing man. They claimed three points. 




1 he next round was lost by a St. Louis hardware man and the Den- 




EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


289 


ver News man. They lost four points, and as St. Louis generally 
does, according to the Chicago Times — lost the game. They was a 
jolly set of fellows, and real smart, but they was troubled with the 
same weakness that drummers in general, are ; they tell their busi- 
ness to most everybody. In less than ten minutes I found out that 
the Chicago man represented Sprague, Warner & Co., and was going 
to Ogden and Salt Lake. The Boston fellow was traveling on com- 
mission and represented half a dozen concerns — his name was Tom 
Ticklefeller. The St. Louis man they called Simmons Hardware 
Co., and t’other fellow, by the very gimlet and corkscrew combi- 
nation countenance — couldn’t be mistaken for anything but a news- 
paper man. 

For right-down smoothness, greasy slickness, oleomargarine 
smearing over of things, the Sprague- Warner combination took the 
cake ; for swell and lofty self-estimation, the Boston combination 
had the bulge on the pot of beans ; for hard luck and hard kicking, 
the Simmons hardware combination took the hard-tack ; but for 
brass, volubility of words and fly-specks of ideas, combined with 
masterly lying, the Denver News machine took the whole Diitch 
oven. By the time they had finished the game and exchanged the 
usual amount of funny jokes, ready-made witty speeches — some- 
what stale — and soap, hard-tack and concentrated lye, the train 
stopped at Rock Creek for supper, and we was glad of it, as we was 
real hungry. 

We missed our magnificent dining car, which was left at Omaha. 
The pleasure of sitting as long as you please in an elegant car, with 
a delightful meal spread before you, and any quantity of time to 
eat it, with “not a wave of trouble to roll across your peaceful 
breast ” — compared with making a mad rush for a hotel dining-room 
table, keeping your hat on your head for fear of having it stolen, and 
bolting your victuals down on express time, swallowing a cup of hot 
coffee to one gulp for fear you can’t get another cup in time, and then, 
with a feeling of uncomfortableness hear the cry of “All aboard!” 

»9 


290 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


while you make a rush for the train, being interrupted on the way 
by the landlord, who wants a dollar apiece from you — is true 
happiness. 

After returning* to our car I called Clarissa’s attention to the 
difference between taking our meals this way and the dining car 
system. She said, “Yes; but Benjamin, we ought to be satisfied, 
when we think how delightful this is compared with the first rail- 



roading that was done about fifty years ago in the United States. 
J was just reading in the Philadelphia Press I have here, about the 
wonderful growth of railroads. I’ll read it to you; it is this: 
‘ Early Railroading. The marvelous growth of the railroad inter- 
est of the country in such a short time is illustrated by the fact that 
old men are still living in Baltimore who took the first ride with 
Peter Cooper in the first steam locomotive in America. The loco- 
motive was simply an old stationary engine, about the size of a bar- 
rel, mounted on a truck, and connected with the wheels by a crank. 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


291 

It pulled an old-fashioned coach, loaded with forty-two passengers, 
thirteen miles in fifty-seven minutes. On the return trip it raced 
with two fast horses. The contest was nip and tuck, when the band 
slipped off the fly wheel. Peter Cooper, the engineer, in attempting 
to replace it, lacerated his hand. The horses won the race. The 
first engine of really serviceable qualities was manufactured at 
York, Pennsylvania, by Phineas Davis. If made a mile in three 
minutes, drawing forty persons, and it took the prize offered by the 
Baltimore & Ohio Road. Davis became the road’s chief constructor 
of engines.’ ” 

The gentlemen resumed their card playing and funny talk while 
Clarissa and I got acquainted with an elderly lady and gentleman 
who was sitting right in front of us. They was from New Jersey 
and was on their way to Honolulu to visit their son, who, they said, 
was Secretarv of State in King Kalakaua’s Cabinet. We found 
them real interesting folks to talk to, and the old gentleman had 
been to Honolulu before, and could talk the language of the natives 
of the Sandwich Islands quite well. He was telling us something 
in that language so we could see how it sounded, when a man that 
was sitting in a seat front of him, hearing him talk in the Sandwich 
language, spoke to him in the same tongue, and then came over 
and set down beside the old gentleman and went right into a conver- 
sation with him. We all got well acquainted in a short time. This 
man was a sea captain sent out by a New Bedford whaling company 
to take charge of a fleet of whaling vessels that was to sail from San 
Francisco up into the North Seas. He had been in that business 
for the past thirty years, and had spent a good many winters at 
Honolulu. They could all tell very interesting incidents in real life 
that they had experienced, except Clarissa and me. We was as 
barren of interesting experiences with which we could make up a 
marvelous story as an apple tree is of fruit in winter. However, we 
was good listeners, and considering that good listeners are as neces- 


292 


SIIAMS; OR, UNCLE BENS 


sary to the interest of story telling as the narrator, we felt that we 
filled an important part in the sleeping car drama after all. 

The evening passed away so pleasantly that time had stolen 
itself from us unawares, and we was forced to disband, by the porter 
making up the beds. A half hour later we was in bed, and the rattle 
and hum of the train was a lullaby song that sent us to the dream 
land of forgetfulness. Strange visions of snorting whales, savage 
sharks, barking sea lions, howling walruses, bare-legged and bare- 
headed dusky natives, wonderful sugar plantations, intermingled 
with coffee, spices, oleomargarine and oily stories hammered with 
Simmons, Hardware Co.’s hard tack, clothed with Boston garments 
and papered with Denver News sheets, was playing hide and seek 
through my brain a good share of the night. 

When the morning light came peeking into my loft through the 
windows in the sides of the chamber story of our car, I stretched 
the usual morning stretch and got my pantaloons on with consider- 
able trouble, threw myself down to the floor, woke Clarissa up and 
proceeded to toilet myself, after which I went into the front car 
and got a seat, where I remained until the sleeper was made up. 
We was approaching Green River Station,* and the scenery was 
wonderfully grand. At Green River we took breakfast, and had 
plenty of time to eat a good meal, and we had a glorious meal to 
eat. After breakfast was paid for, which was $1.00 per head, we 
walked out on the platform and took a good view of the great cliffs 
that rise up behind the village several hundred feet. They are 
wonderful mountains of limestone shell formations, slate deuosits 
and other kinds of stones in regular layers, alternating one above 
the other like a huge layer cake. We was told that the cliffs was 
full of fossil fish and reptiles. I bought several specimens they had 
for sale at the lunch counter. 

As we pulled out of the station, our train hugged the base of 
monstrous cliffs to the left of us, while to our right, bending in 
graceful curves, following close to our track, was the placid waters 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 293 

of Green River. Some of the rocks that attract the traveler’s at- 
tention in this vicinity are Castle Rock, the Giants’ Club, the Gi- 
ants’ Teapot, and the Twin Sisters. As my purpose is not to write 
descriptions of country, but rather to give a few glimpses of hu- 
man nature as it is revealed to me in different places, and as every 
foot of the country over which we have and may yet pass has been 
so oft described by able writers, I shall omit all references to scen- 



STRANGE VISIONS. 


ery except incidentally, for the purposes of showing what effect the 
surrounding country has upon the people. I was informed that the 
people in the village of Green River, like the cliffs surrounding em, 
are scaly, fishy, and considerable mixed — that their motto is, when 
you meet a stranger, take him in. I am fully satisfied that the fel- 
ler that runs the lunch counter and curiosity shop at the depot lives 
up to the motto strictly. Passing through a countless number of 
snow sheds and over about 150 miles of country that was entirely 



294 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


unnecessary to have been traversed by this railroad — as it could 
have been made that much shorter with less work and expense than 
the way it is built — but which would have cut out 150 miles of steal- 
ings at the average rate per mile figured on by the projectors and 
constructors of the gigantic Union Pacific Railroad scheme — we 
arrived at Evanston, where we took dinner at the Mountain Trout 
H ouse. The name of the hotel indicates the principal characteris- 
tic of the dinner you are to get, namely, fresh mountain trout, 
which, to lovers of the finny tribe, is a great treat Beside this, the 
table is abundantly supplied with venison and bear meat. You are 
waited upon by grinning, goring-eyed Chinamen, who wear their • 
shirts outside of their pantaloons, and in reply to any question you 
put to them not directly connected with the victuals before you, are 
always ready with the same speech, “Ah ! Ah ! Me nosavvee, Melli- 
kee manne. Me Chinee! Yum!” After we have had all the dinner 
we want, and taken the last look at the human puzzle in the form of 
the “Me no savvee” Chinee waiter, we stepped aboard, and left 
the little town with its 1,500 inhabitants, about 300 of which are 
Chinamen, just where it belongs on the geography, just half way 
between Omaha and San Francisco, 95 7 miles from each city. 
Twenty miles from Evanston we enter the most sublime and won- 
derful scenery on the entire length of the Union Pacific, Echo Can- 
yon. From the time we enter this canyon at Castle Rock until we 
pass out of Weber River Canyon, a distance of sixty miles, we are 
constantly met with new surprises. It must have been the masters 
of the gods that built the Colorado gardens, that arranged these two 
canyons. The gigantic walls, reaching in many places the height 
of 2,000 feet, are so varied in color and shape as to claim the atten- 
tion of the tourist every moment. Echo Station, a little town at 
the mouth of Echo Creek, is famous for the echoes which gave it 
its name. Here is to be seen the remarkable monument, a square 
column of red sandstone, 50 feet thick and 250 feet high. Four 
miles below Echo we pass a lone fir tree, called the 1,000 Mile Tree, 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


295 


as it is just 1,000 miles from Omaha. Then comes that wonderful 
crevice between two sharp rocks, extending down the side of the 

Ap 

mountains, where it is said that Brigham Young and the Mormon 
elders that was with him during his memorable exploring trip hunt- 
ing for the promised land, slid down the mountain side into the 
little stream below, when they all got out of the water and brushed 
the dirt off themselves. It is said that Brigham stretched himself 
up as far as his one unbroken suspender permitted, and exclaimed, 

“Well, I be d d ! That is a devil of a slide,” and ever since then 

it has been known as The Devils Slide. 

We are now fairly in the country where the Devil ought ndt to 
be — Utah, the land of the “Latter-day Saints of Jesus Christ,” and 
certainly his Satanic majesty ought to keep out of this land. How- 
ever, we are all more or less painfully aware that the Devil is quite 
apt to crowd himself in where he has no business to. 

At 5:30 vve arrived at Ogden, the terminus of the Union Pacific 
Railroad, and where we took the train for the Great Salt Lake City, 
thirty-seven miles to the south. 

We had become so well acquainted with each other in our 
sleeping car, that to leave it and part company was a good deal like 
breaking up housekeeping. Our jolly, good-natured Sprague, War- 
ner & Co.’s drummer had become so genial and kind, and our St. 
Louis hardware man had made so many pleasant hits; our Hono- 
lulu-bound friends was so kind and interesting; our big-hearted sea 
captain so noble and generous; our Denver News man was so clever 
with his questions and lies ; Clarissa was so philosophizing and 
motherly in her many remarks, while I done the best 1 knew how 
to in my country style and with my farm speeches to make all things 
smooth and agreeable, and even the Boston swell uncorked himself 
once in a while with some concession that there was some things 
worth seeing outside of Boston, so that by the time we got to the 
end of our road we had become so free with each other in conver- 


296 SIIAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 

sation that we felt like a family, and the separation was the break- 
ing up of the household. 

Rattling o’er the mountains, and running through the sheds, 

While setting in our seats or lying in our beds, 

It was amusement combined with learning and song, 

While our toiling engine was pulling us along. 

Our Chicago drummer, selling taffy and tolu, 

And our elder couple bound for Honolulu; 

With our whaling captain headed for the North Sea, 

Was just the kind of folks that suited Clarissa. 

The thing that on dry land — in his eyes — makes a swell 
By coming all the way from Boston, clothes to sell; 

And the St. Louis traveler and the Denver News 
Was good company for Uncle Ben and his muse. 

But when the time drew nigh for us all to depart, 

There was shaking hands and good-byes that come from the heart. 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


297 


CHAPTER XXVIII. 

fill EN days among the Mormons ought to give a close observer of 
1 ^ folks and things a little insight to their ways of living and 
their religious notions, especially if the sole purpose of his visit 
is to that end. I think, to use a watchmaker’s term and speak figura- 
tively, I saw the cap taken oft, and the mainspring, as well as a good 
share of the wheels in their machine. The first night we staid at 
Ogden, stopping at a little hotel close to the depot. I wanted to go 
down to Salt Lake City by daylight. It was dark when we got to 
Ogden, and as we was quite fat-i-gued, we didn’t leave the hotel 
that night, but we had a good night with the landlord. He was a 
great, fat, good-natured man, and was a Gentile, and we got a good 
many pointers from him that helped 11s considerable. (Gentile 
means any and everybody that isn’t a Mormon.) 

The next morning we took the train on the Utah Central Rail- 
road, and whizzed along down the narrow valley lying between the 
foot of the Wasatch Mountains and the Great Salt Lake, thirty-seven 
miles south to the “ Holy City,” the Mecca of the Saints. The 
scenery is grand in the extreme ; the mountains rise so abruptly and 
present such sharp, rugged outlines and peaks that they seem higher, 
and come nigher to the pictures I used to see in Olney’s geography, 
when I went to school, than any we had yet seen. The overbear- 
ing Wasatch humps his back up and puts on high airs, on our left, 
while on our right is the Great Salt Lake, its quiet bosom glistening 
in the morning sunlight just breaking over the rocky peaks, like a vast 
sheet of silver. And the valley, running from two to seven miles 


I 


298 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


wide, dotted with small farmhouses and villages, all surrounded 
by orchards and shade-trees, even with a light covering of snow on 
the ground, formed a beautiful picture. 

I know of no spot where Nature has put her choice bits to- 

* 

gether in a more pleasing and harmonious manner than all through 
this wonderful valley. Even in the winter, when the beauty of na- 
ture is concealed by an icy overcoat, one is charmed by its appear- 
ance, and in spring and summer it must be delightful indeed. Just 
before 1 arrived at the Mormon paradise, I was reminded of the 
Clark Street museum in Chicago, where Clarissa and I saw them 
play Hell, by the strong smell of sulphur, and, looking out of the 
car window on the left side, there 1 saw a stream of water boiling 
out of a rock so that a heavy cloud of steam was continually rising 
from it. And off to the right of the track there was acres and 
acres covered with this hot sulphur- water, and the cloud of steam 
rising from it looked like fog lifting off the meadow in autumn. 

This curious spring impressed Clarissa in a peculiar manner. 
She said, “ Benjamin, don’t you think it is a singular coincident that 
the headquarters of the Mormon Church and the big sulphur works 
down below should be so close together?” I told her “ Perhaps it 
was, but the impression 1 got of Joe Smith and the organization of 
their church, when I was a young man, and read a good deal about 
it was, that it originated in that big sulphur factory, and had worked 
its way up to the top of the ground, but I was perfectly surprised at 
its spreading and growing so rapidly.” 

“ Well, Benjamin,” she replied, “you know that pussly, Canada 
thistles, and every other mean and vile weed, when it gets a start 
on a man’s farm, will spread all over it mighty quick, and it grows 
so fast that it will ruin it in a short time; and, if what Eve read 
about the Mormons is true, they are the pussly and thistle to the 
morals of this lovely country, and in time they will be the destruc- 
tion of it in a moral point of view; but we will know more about it 
in a few days.” 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


2 99 

We had now arrived at the depot. We took a street car for the 
Walker House, where I met an old friend, Mr. C. M. Henderson, 
from New York City, who was representing a blank book manufact- 
ory. He used to know me and Clarissa a good many years ago. 
He introduced us to Mr. Erb, the landlord, and told him where we 
was from. Mr. Erb was very nice to us, and gave us a very fine 
private bedroom on the parlor floor, right next to Mr. Henderson’s 
sample-room, fronting on the principal street in the city — Temple 
Street. The Walker House is one of the best taverns we have seen 
since we left Chicago — in fact, it is the best. They set a splendid 
table, and give you five meals a day, and everything is done to 
make the stranger that stops there feel at home. 

After we was settled in regard to room, etc., Mr. Henderson 
volunteered to go with us to what places he was familiar with. We 
walked up Temple Street slowly, so we could have a good chance 
to see what we viewed on the way. The first large building on our 
left was the White House; across the street was the large mercantile 
institution of Walker Brothers, the largest Gentile store in L T tah. 
These gentlemen was originally Mormons, but perceiving a ray of 
light piercing the misty cloud of Mormonism in an early day, they 
abandoned the church, and was branded by the hierarchy as apos- 
tates, a title of which they were proud. Further up the street, and on 
the opposite side, he showed us the first hotel built in the city — the 
old Salt Lake House; it is one of Brigham’s landmarks. Next, we 
passed the Z. C. M. drugstore, and next door to it the drygoods 
store of the Mormon elder, Jennings. On the opposite corner was 
the drugstore of Godbe, Pitts & Co. Godbe was a seceder from 
the polygamous church, and the head of a branch known as the 
Godbeites. As we proceeded up the street, we passed the great 
bookstore of one of the Mormon bishops. We crossed the street 
to the corner, where stands the exponent of the controlling power 
behind and under the Mormon throne, the Deseret Bank. The 
next building of importance was the mammoth Zion Co-operative 


300 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


Mercantile Institution. This is the largest general store I ever saw 
The building is eighty feet wide and over three hundred feet deep, 
three stories high, and basement. We went into it, and was introduced 
to Mr. Eldridge, the general manager. He was very polite, and 
showed us all through this monstrous establishment. It is a marvel 
of neatness and system ; everything is in perfect order, and a sepa- 
rate department for each kind of goods. The floor is as white and 
clean as soap, water and scrubbing-brush can make it. Mr. Eldridge, 
understanding who we was and where we was from, and where we 
was bound for. and our desire to see and learn all we could about 
his city, called a young man, and told him to go with 11s to the 
Tithing House, the Deseret News office, through Temple Square, 
the Main Tabernacle, Winter Tabernacle, the Museum, and also 
to ask the president if he would receive a call from us. 

As Mr. Eldridge wished to see Mr. Henderson on business, we 
excused him and went on in company with the young man. We first 
visited the office of the Deseret Nezvs, the principal Mormon news- 
paper ; was introduced to several, among the rest Brigham Young, 
Jr., who told us in a very pompous way what a wonderful people 
they was, how they was the chosen people of God, and they had 
been led by the prophets of God into this beautiful land, how God 
had protected and prospered them, and had been on their side all 
the time, and how mean the United States government had been to 
them ; how they had persecuted them on every hand, how they 
threatened to destroy them in days past, how the government had 
all the big cannons up at Camp Douglas pointed right down on 
their sacred city, so that in an hour’s time they could destroy the 
entire city ; how, at one time, the Mormons had combustible mate- 
rial so arranged in every house, that they would have the whole city 
reduced to ashes in an hour, had the government troops moved upon 
'em ; but how the hand of God had stayed the power of the gov- 
ernment ; how the Gentiles was lying about them all the time, and 
working themselves into the country, trying to undermine them ; 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


301 


continually meddling with that which was none of their business; 
how Congress was passing laws that was wicked and unjust, and 
wasn’t satisfied with persecuting them by taking away their right 
to vote, but now they wanted to take their wives away from them, 
and make their children orphans, and their wives nameless things, 
to be thrown on to the cold and uncharitable world, and not even 
satisfied with that damnable work, was trying to confiscate all their 



BRIGHAM YOUNG, JR., TELLS US TERRIBLE THINGS. 

* property ; but they had gone as far as they could go, and if they 
was interfered with any more, the Saints would rise up in a body 
and destroy the government. 

I fairly trembled in the presence of this wonderful big piece of 
human clay, and Clarissa spoke up and advised Mr. Young not to 
do such a rash act, as he might scare some one ; that Uncle Sam was 
pretty nigh as big as he was, and there might be some trouble if he 


302 


SIIAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


and the rest of the Saints got so mad. Her remarks had a quieting 
effect upon him, and he softened up some, and asked us to call again 
before we left the city, if we had time. 

We then went into the Tithing House, and was showed all 
through it. We saw great bins of wheat, and oats and flour, and all 
kinds of produce ; and out in the yards was cattle and hogs, sheep 
and horses, hens, geese and turkeys of all kinds, that people had 
brought in as their gift to the church. 

“You see,” said a big Scotchman, who, we was told, was a 
bishop, and who had charge of the house and yards, “ every good 
Mormon brings into this place one-tenth of all he produces, or of 
all his income, as his gift for the support of the church;” and then 
he went on, quoting Scripture to prove that that was the way they 
done in Christ’s time; and he talked for more’n an hour to show us 
how Joe Smith was the prophet of God, and that the Mormon Church 
was the only true and authorized church of Jesus Christ on earth. 

We left the Tithing House and walked out of the high wall in- 
closure, crossing the street to the great eastern gate to Temple 
Square. As we passed through the gate we was requested to step 
into the little house close to the gate and write our names in the big 
register book where every visitor’s name appears. We shall always 
have the satisfaction ot knowing that the names of Benjamin Mor- 
gan and his one, single, solitary wife, Clarissa Snodgrass Morgan, 
are written on the Saints’ book in their New Jerusalem. After sign- 
ing the book, a carroty colored haired gentleman proceeded ahead 
of us as a guide. In front of us a few feet, stands the great Tem- 
ple that haef already been over twenty-five years in process of con- 
struction, and which, according to our guide, will not be completed 
for thirty years or more to come. This building, he said, is built of 
the hardest gray granite taken from the mountains about twenty- 
five miles from here. The walls are fifteen feet down in the ground 
and fifteen feet thick at the base, tapering up to the surface of the 
ground, where it is nine feet thick. The walls are now up to the top 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


303 


of the second story. When the building is completed, it will be 
two hundred feet long, one hundred feet wide, undone hundred feet 
high to the roof, and the top of the steeple will be two hundred feet 
above the ground. This building is to be arranged for the use of 
the church in the administration of its rites and ceremonies until 
Christ comes to earth again to reign a thousand years, when he is 
to occupy it as his official mansion while here below. (This is one 
of the ideas they teach, and which most of them believe.) For 
the construction of this temple, every year all the Mormons are re- 
quired to pay a tithing of their income. This money is called the 
Temple fund. In the basement of this temple is constructed a huge 
stone washbowl, called the baptismal font, where all the dead gen- 
erations of the glorious and inglorious past are to be baptized by 
proxy in order to be restored to the kingdom of the Saints in the 
endless future. 

Passing by the Temple, we come to one of the wonders of the 
nineteenth century, the great Tabernacle. Its wonder consists in its 
plan of architecture, which was given to the great prophet, Brigham 
Young, by the Almighty, in a dream. It is the largest auditorium 
in America, capable of seating 15,000 people, if necessary. The 
roof is oblong oval shape, like a dish cover, and is supported by 
stone and brick piers nine feet thick. Between each pier are wide 
folding doors, so that when thrown open, the room, if crowded, can 
be entirely emptied in three minutes. A deep gallery extends three- 
fourths of the way around the room. The west quarter of the 
room is occupied by the officials of the church, so distributed and 
arranged as to represent the complete organization and power of 
the church. In the center, the lower front seat, behind the commun- 
ion table, is occupied by twelve elders. Behind them and a step 
higher up, is a seat occupied by priests ; behind them and another 
step higher up, is a seat occupied by high priests ; and behind them 
and another step higher up, is the seat occupied by the twelve apos- 
tles ; and behind them, and another, step higher up, is the seat 


304 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


occupied by the president and his advisory council. This is the last 
and highest seat. On the one side are the seats occupied by the 
bishops, while on the other side sit the deacons and teachers. 

Behind all these and on raised seats sit the great choir of sing- 
ers, while back of them is the monstrous pipe organ, forty-two feet 
wide. This organ was built within the room, our guide told us, by 
one of their members, a Swede. 

The guide called our attention to the wonderful acoustic (as he 
called it, I don’t know what it means) properties of the room, by 
having us go up in the gallery at the further end of the room while 
he stood by the side of the organ and whispered to us. We could 
hear him as plain as if his mouth was within an inch of our ear. We 
were perfectly astonished, and wondered if after all it was not true 
that God did give the plan of this great Tabernacle to Brigham.* 

We was telling about it when we got back to the hotel, when 
we was informed by truthful persons that if we set in the seats on 
the floor anywhere in the middle of the house, we could not hear a 
single word distinctly ; and for hearing, it was a failure everywhere 
except in the gallery and under it. Then the story of God having 
anything to do with the plan appeared as false to us as the idea is 
apparent, that He has nothing to do with their church, in any 
manner whatever. But the great mass of Mormons no doubt be- 
lieve implicitly what their shrewd and crafty leaders teach them. 

After leaving this building we went through the Winter Taber- 
nacle or 'Assembly Hall, on the south side of the square inclosure. 
It is called the Winter Tabernacle, as it is used in the winter and 
during cold weather, as the great Tabernacle is used only in the 
warm weather, there being no means of warming or lighting it. 

Coming out of the Winter Tabernacle we noticed a smaller house 
over in the northwest corner of the square, and asked our guide 
what it was. He said it was the Endowment House. We asked 
him to show us through it, but he very firmly declined ; and told us 
that none but Saints was ever permitted to enter there. 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


305 


Clarissa cast a look at me with a meaning visibly upon her 
countenance, that she wished I was a Saint ; while for the purpose 
of satisfying my curiosity at the time, I wished she was a saintess 
and I a sainter but from what 1 have since learned about it, l am 


As we left Temple Square by the same gate we entered, we 
thanked our guide, and give him fifty cents. It being one o’clock, 
we told the young man we would not trouble him more that day, 
and thanking him for his kindness, walked down to our hotel. We* . \ 
had rode, walked and talked and seen enough in this half day to tire 
younger and stronger persons, and we felt quite weary. We ale a 
hearty lunch and went to our room, where I took a little nap, while 
Clarissa was reading her “ Shadows of the Future.” 

In a couple of hours I woke up, feeling much refreshed. Mr. 
Henderson called at our room, and suggested our taking a ride ; we 
expressed our thanks for his kindness and a desire to accept, and he 
ordered a carriage and driver. The day was pleasant and quite mild 
and springlike. We rode all over the city, and went up to Camp 
Douglas. The ride was delightful. The streets are all wide, smooth 
and hard, with a clear stream of mountain water running on each 
side. The evidence of prosperity and quietness was abundant on 
every hand. We saw the Lion House, where Brigham and several of 
his wives used to live, and across the street the magnificent palace 
he had erected for his nineteenth wife, who was generally called his 
favorite, in honor of whom he gave it the name of Amelia. It is 
said that she was quite beautiful, but I can’t understand how any 
woman possessed of either beauty or brains, with self-respect, could 



glad we are neither one of which. 




for gold or palaces consent to be the nineteenth wife of a great ani- 
mal in human form ; but the strangest of all strange things in this 
world, I believe, are the freaks of human natu 



We returned to the hotel at six o’clock, 
meal, after which by invitation we visited Mr. Henderson in his 



sample room. He told us he had an engagement with Mr. 


20 


306 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 




(whose name I purposely omit), the Mormon Bishop, who owns the 
big bookstore, at 7 o’clock, and if we would remain he would intro- 
duce him to us, and we would find him a jolly, bright fellow, full of 
Irish wit which he inherited from his 1 rish parents. Mr. H. said his 
customer stuttered terribly, and might make 11s laugh. 

While we was talking about the bishop, there was a rap on the 
door, and as Mr. Henderson opened it, there he stood; a tall, 
sandy complected man with a twinkle about his eyes. As he took 
Mr. Henderson’s hand in response to a good-evening welcome from 
Mr H., he bowed and said, “ Go-go-go-go-go-good-e-e-e-e-e-e-evenin’, 
good-evenin’.” 

Mr. H. turned and said ‘‘Mr. — , let me make you ac- 

quainted with some old friends, Mr. and Mrs. Morgan, of New 
York, who have stopped here for a few days.” 

“Ho-ho-ho-how d-d-d-de d-d-do. How de do. I-I-I-I’m g-g-g-g 
glad — glad t-t-t-to me-me-me-meet you. Glad to meet you. It’s a 
f-f-f-f-f-fine d-day. D-d-d-do yo-you come to s-s-s-s-s-see the wi-wi 
wicked M-M-M-Mormons ?” he said. 

W e saw he was of a happy nature, and we felt free to ask him 
some questions, which he as freely answered. We talked consid- 
erable about the Mormons. Finally Clarissa said : 

“1 understand you are a Bishop, which I presume is an import- 
ant office in your institution. Now 1 want to ask you a plain ques- 
tion, and would like a plain reply. Are you a Mormon from con- 
viction as to its being right and true, or for fun, or for the money 
you can make out of it?” 

In reply, he said, “T-t-t-to b-be p-p-p-p-plain, i-i-it’s f-f-f-f-f or all 
th-th-th-th-three re-re-re-reasons, b-b-b-b-but p-p-p-p-p-principally the 
la-la-latter. Y-y-you s-s-s-s-see l-I-I-I am c-c-c-convicted in m-m-my 
o-o-o-own m-m-m-mind tha-tha-tha-that to m-m-m-make m-m-money 
is ri-ri-ri-right, tha tha-therefore, therefore my c-c-c-c-convictions is 
a-a-a-a-all right ; and i-i-it’s f-f-f-fun t- t-t-t-to m-m-m-make m-m-m-m- 
money. So you s-s-s-see I-I-I am a M-M-M-Mormon f-f-f-for all th-th 


1 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


307 


three re-re-reasons, and-and-and 1 m-m-make 1-1-1-lots of m-m-money 
out o-o-of it. Wouldn’t y-y-y-vou 1-1-like to b-b-be one?” 

Cla rissa very emphatically told him No ; she didn’t believe in 
trading principles for money. 

“B-b-but m-m-m-my d-d-dear m-m-madam, if-if-if y-y-y-you c can 
ex-ex-ex-exchange p-p-p-poor p-p-p-p-principles f-f-f-f-f-for g-g.good 
m-m-m-mon-money, th-th-the m- m-m-money b-b-b-becomes g-g-good 
p-p-p-principle ; a-a-and y-y-y-you c-c-c-can af-af-af-afford t-t-t-t-to 
th-th-th-throw a-a-away y-y-your p-p-p-poor p-p-p-principle. D-don t 
y-y.y-you s-s-see ho-ho-how it is?” 

I could see how it was from his standpoint, and I can under- 
stand how a couple of dozen shrewd and deceiving men organized 
and promoted the growth of that whole institution, and became the 
hierarchy themselves, for money, and that money is the mainspring 
to the whole Mormon machine. The Deseret Bank, an institution 
managed by this hierarchy, is the main wheel into which all the 
smaller wheels fit, and play their necessary part. Honest convic- 
tions of conscience have led many to embrace the strange religious 
doctrines and belief, while a desire to better their condition has led 
thousands and thousands in Europe to leave homes of poverty with 
the prospects of beautiful homes in a land flowing with milk and 
honey, and come to this country only to be made slaves, to contrib- 
ute to the insatiable greed for money that has been and is the con- 
trolling spirit of the leaders of this institution; and while this 
Bishop spoke half in jest, he revealed the true spirit aud reasoning 
of these leaders. 

There is a good side and there is a bad side to this institution. 
The good side is the practical results that have given thousands and 
thousands of poor people homes to live in, if not paid for, and the 
conversion of a vast desert into a garden of fruit, flowers, and 
abundance of grain. But the motive of the organizers, leaders and 
contractors of the church is one of fraud and swindle. Hypocrisy 
of the deepest and darkest kind stamps the whole concern. The 


3°8 


bHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


incorporating of the church as a business institution under the Ter- 
ritorial laws, establishing the tithing scheme under pretense of giv- 
ing to the Lord for the support of the Church — the building of the 
Temple under the hypocritical pretense of providing an executive 
mansion for Christ to dwell in, but the real purpose of which is to 
extort from its devotees large sums of money to go into their hands; 



POLYGAMOUS MORMO N . 


a temple that will never be completed — stamps the origination and 
perpetuation of the scheme with fraud and wickedness. 

And then, the most infamous of all, where the animal shows itself 
superior to the spiritual among these leaders, is polygamy. That 
they are a quiet, well disposed, peaceable class of people, as a rule, 
does not for a moment lessen the moral degradation of the leaders 
and teachers of this infamous doctrine. To give an idea why I 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


309 


speak in such strong terms, l will tell you what Clarissa and I 
saw. We was walking up Temple street one day, and a gentleman 
called our attention to a man about thirty years old with a woman 
on one side of him about forty years old, with a baby in her arms, 
probably six weeks old. On the other side of him was a woman 
about twenty years old, with a baby about the age of the other baby 
in her arms. He said, “Both of them women are that man’s wives, 
and one of them is the mother of the other, while each of them are 
mothers to his babies.” If such practical results of the teachings 
and practices of this Church are not enough to damn it, then cease 
to censure any other actions of the human race. Under this mon- 
strous doctrine human convenience is substituted for human love. 
As Shakespeare wrote to a friend once: 


“ Call it not love, since love to heaven hath fled; 

And passion, base usurper, hath taken its throne instead. 



A condition of society that creates large families without being 
able to establish the relationship existing among them, must have a 
^tendency to destroy all the finer sentiments of the human heart. 

We remained in Salt Lake City a few days, and while we was 
well treated, and saw a great deal to interest us, the more 1 saw of 
some of the leading men, including President Taylor and George O. 
Cannon, representatives who was acting for them while they was 

% 

off hiding from the officers of the government, the more I read in 
their papers, and the stuff l heard them preach the Sunday 1 was 
there, the more I was convinced that there was the biggest lot oT- 
contemptible hypocrites connected with the Mormon Church that 
can be found alive in America out of jail. 

There are a great many Mormons that are pleasant people, and 
there are also a good many pleasant fellers that have been unfortunate 
enough to get into prison. Pleasantness, prosperity and peaceable- 
ness don’t make the principles of the institution right. Its 
founders were frauds of the worst type, and its managers have been 


3i° 


shams; or, uncle ben’s 


apt scholars, guarding well their precious treasure and all the ave- 
nues leading to it. The play they make upon the ignorant religious 
superstitions and prejudices of its followers is their gold mine. 

Their institution has left its filthy tracks on every foot of soil 
over which it has passed, from Palmyra, New York, to Indepen- 
dence, Missouri, to Nauvoo, to Council Bluffs, and thence across the 
plains and over the mountains to this lowly valley, where, taking ad- 
vantage of the natural barriers surrounding them, it flourished and 



“ HOLINESS UNTO THE LORD.” 


spread with magic speed, so that from the few that landed there 
for f y years ago next July, it has reached to nearly, if not quite, 
200,000, which is more followers than the Saviour had 300 years after 
his birth, so I am told. 

There are a great many laughable things in Salt Lake City. 





EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


31 I 

One is a large signboard with an open eye painted on it, and over 
and under the eye the words, “Holiness unto the Lord,” put up 
over the door of a whisky saloon. Profanity does not seem to be 
out of order by officers and members of the church. The cheating 
of a Gentile is strictly in order. A quarrel between two Saints gen- 
erally ends in both Saints taking something to drink at the other’s 
expense in the nearest saloon. A quarrel between a Mormon and a 
Gentile generally ends in one of the parties getting an overcoat. 

I understand that Senator Edmunds has got up a bill he is 
going to paste up all over Utah next year. He’ll have quite a job 
of bill-posting, for Utah is a larger country than most folks are 
aware, and it’s alive with people. 

After taking a bath in their famous hot sulphur springs bath- 
house, we said good-by to Mr. Erb and some friends we had formed 
there, and left for Ogden, where we remained over one day to take 
a drive up some of the beautiful canyons and around where we 
could get views of the grand mountains which rise so abruptly and 
reach enormous heights. Clarissa is captured bv the loveliness of 
this country, and says if it wasn’t for Mormonism she would want 
to move here, but as it is she will take the old farm in Morganville 
and be contented, for there, unlike Utah life, by her own fireside 
she can realize what the poet said of human love when he wrote: 

“ Ther^ is a story told 

In Eastern tents, when autumn nights grow cold, 

And round the fire the Mongol shepherds sit, 

With grave responses listening unto it : 

Once, on the errands of his mercy bent, 

. Buddha, the holy and benevolent, 

Met a fell monster, huge and fierce of look, 

Whose awful voice the hills and forests shook. 

‘ O, son of peace,’ the giant cried, ‘thy fate 
Is sealed at last, and love shall yield to hate.’ 

The unarmed Buddha, looking, with no trace 
Of fear or anger, into the monster’s face, 

In pity said, ‘ Even thee I love. 

Lo! as he spake, the sky-tall terror sank 
To hand-breadth size — the huge abhorrence shrank 


siiams; or, uncle bens 


Into the form and fashion of a dove, 

And where the thunder of its rage was heard, 
Circling above him sweetly sang the bird — 

‘ Hate hath no charm for love,’ so ran the song, 
‘And peace, unweaponed, conquers every wrong.’ ” 


I am aware that the country is Hooded with books and news- 
paper articles on Mormonism, therefore I’ll say no more about 
them. I only envy them on account of their lovely country and 
healthful climate, a climate that is free from any germs of disease. 


wife, if she is a good, true and smart one, like my Clarissa, is the 
greatest boon to man, two would be bad luck, and a multitude 
would be his everlasting damnation, morally and socially, and ought 
to brand the man who enters into such business with a curse that 
should make his name a hissing and byword as long as the memory 
ol him exists. God pity the poor innocent believers and supporters 


1 don’t envy them for their numerous wives, for while l think one 


of such a horrible doctrine as polygamous Mormonism ! 




0 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


313 


CHAPTER XXIX. 

I THOUGHT we would go from Ogden up to Helena, Montana 
Territory, and visit the National Park, see the spouting geysers 
-- and other curious things we had read so much about, but Clarissa 
said that while she would like to take the trip, she thought it was pru- 
dent not to do so, as our finances was working down considerably 
fast. She had counted over the money last night and found that we 
had paid out pretty nigh $300 since we had arrived at Chicago, 
and in case we should fail to get any drawback in San Francisco, 
wj would need all we had got with us. This decided the case, and 
we took the train the next' morning on the Central Pacific Railroad 
for the West. 

We was lucky in getting down stair beds for both of us in the 
sleeping car. The scenery from Ogden to Sacramento is in the 
main monotonous, but in places very wild, picturesque, and inter- 
esting. Nearly every one who reads English has read so much 
about it that I will not take your time, or punish you with such ex- 
aggerated stories in regard to it as have been so often told. 1 found 
out one thing to be true, by actual observation, and that is, most all 
the descriptions of the entire route over which we have traveled, 
are overdrawn and exaggerated. A mountain that is about 1,000 
feet high is put down anywhere from 1,500 to 5,000 feet high, and 
so in regard to everything else that is described. To keep within 
the limits of the exact truth, seems to be about the hardest thing 
for a traveler to do. The longer he has traveled, the harder the 
task becomes, and when they tell their stories in print for the public 


314 


SIIAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


to read, the higher color they can gild them with the more interest- 
ing they think they will be to the reader. 

Commercial travelers are noted for being liars ; the longer they 
have been on the road the more accomplished liars they become. 
Why! what little time I’ve been traveling 1 feel I’m getting to be 
“somewhat of a liar myself;” and still l intend to confine myself as 
close to the truth as l can. 

There is something in the air of a car, stage coach and steam- 
boat, that is catching when it comes to telling stories and relating 



SANDY BOWERS, AN UNEDUCATED IRISHMAN. 

what a person has seen, gone through and experienced, that gives 
it a balloon appearance. 

The fellows that get up geographies and histories are troubled 
with the same complaint to quite an extent. Somehow or other 
distance seems to add greatness to scenery as it does to noted poli- 
ticians ; they haint nowhere nigh as great when you are at home 
with ’em, or if they be, you see so many of the little things that 
stick out all around ’em, that their greatness is very materially 
lessened. 

I he first place we stopped off at was Reno, near the middle of 
the Truckee \ alley, at the base of the Sierra Nevada Mountains, 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


315 


and fifty miles from their summit. We took the train on the Vir- 
ginia and Truckee Railroad for Virginia City, which is only sixteen 
miles from Reno, as a crow flies, but which is fifty-two miles by this 
railroad. I think it must be the crookedest railroad in the world; 
it is stated that if all its curves was put together they would make 
seventeen complete circles. They never allow very long trains to 
run over the road, for fear the engine might run into the hind end 
of its own train. 

We went thirty-one miles south to Carson City, the capital of 



SANDY DOWERS AFTER HE GOT IIIS WEALTH. 

Nevada, where we rested for the night, and listened to marvelous 
stories of immense fortunes that had been made and lost in that 
vicinity in the palmy days of the glorious past. Gulliver can’t hold 
a candle to some of them Carson City shams. There are a class of 
fellows that loaf around these Western hotels that l believe the land- 
lord hires to entertain the strangers that stop within his gates, with 
lies; the bigger liars the more entertaining they are, generally. 

We passed through Washoe, a once busy but now a played out 
town, sixteen miles south of Reno. We was shown the Bowers’ 
mansion, a magnificent dwelling built bv Sandv Bowers, an uned- 
ucatecl Irishman, a miner who, when the rich deposit of gold-bearing 


3 J 6 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEX’S 


quartz was discovered at Gold Hill, in i860, owned a good share of 
the vein, and he soon became worth millions. He erected this man- 
sion, bought the furniture, carpets, etc., for it in France at an enor- 
mous expense, filled the spacious grounds with beautiful shrubbery 
and had the most costly and elegant home in the whole State. Like 
as it is with thousands of people, his great misfortune was his sud- 
den fortune, for while it come to him swiftly it as swiftly left him, 
left him worse than before he had a dollar of it; and now, having 
dissolved all connection with earth and its fleeting scenes, he leaves 
a widow in poverty. The magnificent gardens have disappeared, 
and the great mansion stands there as a curiosity. 

The next morning we left Carson City for Virginia City, stop- 
ping at Mound House, about half way between the two cities, near 
Sutro, the outlet of the Sutro Tunnel. This tunnel strikes the great 
Comstock mine, 1,898 fee* below the surface croppings of the Gould 
& Curry mine. It is 19,790 feet long, and cost $4,500,000 for con- 
struction. It drains and ventilates'the mines. 

An hour after leaving Mound House we was in the far-famed 
Virginia City, noted the world over for the marvelous fortunes that 
have been made there in mining and mining speculation. 

One of the wealthiest if not the richest man in TVmerica is Mr. 
J. W. Mackay, who has made millions of dollars at this place. It is 
not a difficult thing to hear and read about the fortunes made at this 
and in other places, nor to ascertain the names of the parties who 
have had their pockets tickled by the goddess fortune, but of the 
fortunes lost, of the thousands upon thousands that have chased her 
deceiving figure to this and hundreds of other places, with bright 
hopes and great expectations, and dropped every nickel they pos- 
sessed and walked away hungry paupers, nothing is said ; and it is 
a very difficult task to find them all out, and still more difficult to 
trace out the dark and damnable tricks and schemes that have been 
resorted to to swindle and rob the unfortunates. You can safely 
calculate that for every dollar that has been taken out of the won- • 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


317 


derful mines here — the richest mining camp in the world in days 
gone by — there has been a dollar dropped by some one.” An old 
miner who told me he had lived and worked there for more than 
twenty years, said : “ Stranger, if you want to see the tallest hypo- 

crites, the biggest liars, under pretense of telling the truth, you 

go into a gold or silver mining camp and live there for six months.” 

\ 

While I listened to his remarks, I could not help seeing Geo. Wad- 
dles and Jim Teeters right in front of me. 

Virginia City, with Gold Hill, has about 7,000 population, and is 
built on the side of a steep hill. The entire 7,000 souls depend 
upon the Comstock Lode for their existence. The Comstock Lode 
is composed of twenty mines, namely: Utah, Sierra-Nevada, Union, 
Mexican, Ophir, California, Consolidated Virginia, Savage, Best & 
Belcher, Gould & Curry, Hale cSl Norcross, Chollar, Bullion, Ex- 
chequer, Alpha, Imperial, Yellow Jacket, Kentuck, Crown Point, 
Belcher. The deepest workings arc 3,000 feet below the surface. 
The total yield since i860, has been $350,000,000. 

I heard so much about gold and silver and great fortunes, that 
I was all fuzzed up; I didn’t know but what l might run right into 
a big fortune in spite of myself, before I got out of that part of the 
universe. I knew one thing, and that was that l wouldn’t get 
caught in any swindling speculation that would involve the loss of 
more’n fifty cents, as that was the limit of my visible pile of cash at 
that time, and so long as Clarissa carried the money, I didn’t have 
a particle of fear of getting caught in any schemes. After eating a 
hearty supper, and listening for three hours to tall stories, everyone 
of which was tipped and trimmed with gold, and heavily lined with 
silver, I went to bed. It was not long before sleep stole away con- 
sciousness. Soon, however, I was suddenly transcontinentalized — 
to use the fashionable language of this winter’s congress — to my 
father’s old farm. There I was cleaning out the cow stable, and 
milking with freezing fingers, coming in to a late supper, going to 
.an early and cold bed in the chamber attic, getting up by candle- 


3 1 8 SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 

light in the morning, doing all the chores, and then walking over a 
mile over the snowdrifts to the little schoolhouse, getting hold of a 
book that one of the boys at school let me have, telling about the 
wonderful gold fields of California, and the fun there was in getting 
it, and how anybody with pluck in their heart and sand in their giz- 
zard, could be worth a million in a few years; how tired I got of 
the cold and hard life I was having on the farm, when an eagle fly- 



DOING CHORES AT 4 O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING. 


ing over the barnyard, while 1 was watering the horse, flew down 
and grabbed me in her claws and carried me with lightning 
speed over the great States of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Iowa, Ne- 
braska, Colorado, the Rocky Mountains, and the great Tabernacle 
in Salt Lake City, and dropped me down in Virginia City, and before 
1 had time to thank her for the wonderful trip, two little angels as 
sweet as sweet could be, flew down from the clouds into my lap. 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


319 


One had rosy cheeks and crimson lips, and golden wings, and said, 
“Young man from Samuel Morgan’s cow barn, in Morganville, 
Blank County, New York, ain’t you tired of those coarse, dirty boots?” 
1 was muchly agitated as I tremblingly said 1 guessed I was, when 
suddenly my boots by some magic power flew off and out of sight, 
and the rosy cheeked angel stooped and put on my feet a pair of 
elegant, eighteen-karat solid gold slippers. The other angel had 
light blue eyes, blonde curly hair and the loveliest freckled cheeks 
that ever adorned a face, and silver wings ; and as he stroked my 



THE GRAND MASTER OF THE FIREWORKS. 


hair so softly, he said, “ Young man from the rural districts of the 
Empire State, your clothes smell a little fresh of the bovine kine 
and the fruits of the udder ; wouldn’t you like to change them for 
new robes? ” f was so surprised I couldn’t speak, but with a con- 
senting wink of my left eye, I nodded, “Yes.'’ Immediately my 
clothes left me, and the angel put a beautiful robe, woven of pure 
silver onto me, and then both angels put a crown, made of gold 
and studded with diamonds and rubies, on mv head, and said to me: 
“ With this crown we make you this day, King of the Big Bonanza. 
Ask for what you may. and it shall be yours, except one thing, which 


320 


shams; or, uncle ben’s 


you cannot have, by accepting this crown.” I asked them what that 
was, and they said, ‘'The crown of everlasting life.” And in the 
twinkling of an eye the angels had flown out of sight. I was dizzy 
with the thought of being so suddenly the possessor of such vast 
wealth. What to do with it, puzzled me ; and then the thought of los- 
ing my chance in the crown of everlasting life annoyed me terribly, 
and while l still sat there with mv crown of jewels, and silver robe 
and golden slippers on, turning the wheel of thought in my mind, 
and wondering one minute and trembling the next, a horrid mon- 
ster, with huge ears and fiery eyes, holding in his hand a fork of red 
hot iron, rose up out of the earth in front of me, and with a voice that 
seemed to shake the mountains that echoed back from their rocky 
sides his awful command, said, “Come! You are mine. I have 
bought you with these glittering trinkets with which you are 
clothed and crowned, and they, together with your soul, belong to 
me ; and 1 want you to go with me!” 1 was so scared, my hair 
stood erect, and 1 stammered out, “Who be you?” He said, “ I 
am the Devil, the grand master of the fireworks down below. 
Come with me ; you must go.” In horror I shrank, and cried, 
“ How and when did you buy me?” “I sent my gold and silver 
imps in the guise of angels, and they gave you the things with 
which 1 purchase more souls than with any other price I pay.” 

“ Say what you will. 

Think what you may, 

The truth is still, 

Gold is the pay 
For which a man, 

Tho’ sick or well, 

Does all he can 
His soul to sell.” 

1 tried to reason how I had of my own will, sold myself to even 
these angels, but even reason forsook her throne, and I was his prop- 
erty. He reached his bony fingers out to take my arm, when sud- 
denly I awoke. Oh, what a sigh of relief I heaved. A reliefer sigh 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


321 


was never heaved by mortal man, and I just hollered out, ‘‘Thank 
God, it’s nothing but a dream.” My hollering awoke Clarissa, who 
wanted to know what ailed me. I told her to wait a minute and I’d 
tell her. I got up and lit the gas, and of all the lookin’ sights our 
room was the worst. Usually I am pretty orderly and have a good 
deal of system. When I go to bed and retire, I lay my coat in the 
chair first, then my vest, then my pantaloons, and then 1 draw the 
chair up side of the head of my bed, and put my shoes and socks 
down on the floor in front of the chair, and that was the way I done 
when I went to bed and retired this time. 

When I lit the gas one of my shoes was in the washbowl, and 
t’other was in the slopjar ; one sock was lodged in the transom over 
the door, and one was under the back side of the bed. The pants 
was in the middle of the floor, and the chair was bottom side up on 
top of my coat and vest, and the pillow-case was pulled onto my 
head. I didn’t notice it until I went in front of the looking-glass on 
top of the bureau — (they had regular sleeping-car pillows in this 
hotel). I explained to Clarissa my dream, and told her how scared 
I was after I got through. 

She said, “ Benjamin, that is either a prophetic dream, or else 
you have had a nightmare. I told you not to eat them twelve 
big pancakes for supper, if you expected to sleep.” “ Well,” says I, 
“ pancakes never affected me that way before, but them dumb stories 
about fortune, etc., is what has set hard on my stomach, and I be- 
lieve the dream is a warning for us not to love money more’n life 
and our fellow men, and above all, not to stay in Virginia City 
another day, if I value your and my eternal happiness, for it’s as 
catching here as the measles, and we’ll take the first train for Reno.” 


322 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’s 


CHAPTER XXX. 

FTER a light breakfast, we took the 8 o’clock train, and was in 
\ Reno in time to catch our west-bound train. Once more on our 
regular journey, and nearing its latter end, we felt better. 1 
did, especially. This time we was unfortunate about the sleeping-car 
arrangements, as we couldn’t get a down-stairs bed for either one of 
us, and we had to take what the porter calls uppers . 

We wanted to stop at Truckee, and take the stage for Lake 
Tahoe — we had heard so much about it; but it was a little too cold, 
and we was somewhat tired. So we was content to listen to the 
stones of some of the passengers who got on there that had visited 
the wonderful lake, twenty-two miles long by ten wide, and i,8oo feet 
deep, whose waters are so clear that they say you can see the bot- 
tom, where it is sixty feet deep. 

At Truckee we strike the steep grade reaching from there to 
the summit, which averages seventy-nine feet to the mile. At Sum- 
mit we are 7,020 feet above the sea level, and are surrounded with 
very wild and interesting scenery. We go through a 1,659-feet 
tunnel, and begin the descent of the mountains to Emigrant Gap. 

A person that is a lover of romantic scenery can spend a couple 
of days in this vicinity very pleasantly; can climb to the summit ol 
Castle Peak, and Fremont Peak, if he is a good climber, and with a 
good glass can take in an immense scope of country, both in Ne- 
vada and California. We made no more stop offs until we arrived 
in Sacramento, the capital of the paradise of the old forty-niners, 
California, a lively business city of 20,000 souls. From this city the 
traveler can take the trains for Los Angeles and San Die^o. 

o o 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES 


323 


The change we experienced in arriving in California was pleas- 
ing indeed. Passing out of winter into mild spring, from cold, dead 
and desolate mountains, clad in snow, into green valleys, where 
flowers bloom and fruit trees bud for the coming harvest, is as de- 
lightful as going from the cheerless woods in New York, where the 
farmer has been chopping wood all day, with cold feet, into a warm and 
cheerful house to be entertained by young and mirthful friends, and 



A REGULAR OLD ’49ER. 


a bounteous table, loaded with choice fruits and flowers. In his 
enjoyment he soon forgets the cold without. A few days living in 
the delightful California climate causes one almost to torget the 
winter he has left behind. 

Again we was on board the cars and rolling on to the desti- 
nation of our great excursion ride across the American continent. 
We took a regular passenger instead of the sleeping-car, and was 



3 2 4 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


pleased with the change, for we saw a much greater variety of peo- 
ple coming in and going out than we did in the sleeper. In the 
front seat set a couple of pigeyed Celestials, while on the opposite 
side was one of the old settlers, a regular old forty-niner, whose 
brindled locks fell upon his shoulders like a Piute squaw, while 
under the shade of his broad-brimmed hat and heavy, shaggy eye- 
brows sparkled a couple of black eyes that seemed to tell a story of a 
long and hard experience with the gold and silver-winged angels 
and his Satanic majesty. There was an air about him that seemed 
to say that the latter had been his master, and that he had been in 
hard luck. 

Most every nation seemed to be represented in that car — Spain, 
France, Italy, Germany, Russia, Austria, Ireland, Scotland, Eng- 
land, New York, Chicago, and Missouri. 

To walk slowly through the car and hear them all talk, one 
would think they had been ordered bv King Babel to some city to 
erect another tower. We didn’t pretend to understand what they 
was talking about, but by their actions I knew they was talking 
about something or other. 

Clarissa in remarking about the confusion of tongues with 
which we was surrounded, said, “ If Sarah Smuggins and Betsy 
Teeters was here, the thing would be complete, and the car itself 
would be a good first story 10 start a tower with.” 

At Benicia, thirty-three miles from San Francisco, we crossed 
the Strait of Carquinez on the largest ferry-boat ever built — the 
Solano, 424 feet long, and 1 16 feet wide. Our whole train ran right 
onto the boat, and when we got across our engine pulled us on land 
again. We whizzed along at a rapid rate until we reached the west- 
ern rim of the city of Oakland, by which we slowly passed, running 
out on a mole one and a half miles beyond, to a large station-house 
on the bay. 

We changed to an elegant ferry-boat, and soon started to cross 
the four-miles wide bay. We went on deck. It was evening, and 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES 


325 


the sight before us was grand. To our right was quietly sleeping 
Goat, Angel, and Alcatraz Islands; to our left, glistening in the 
moonlight, was the Golden Gate, while in front was the City 
of a Hundred Hills, the successor of two old villages, San Fran- 
cisco, named by Franciscan friars who settled there in 1776, 



In twenty minutes we landed and took a carriage for the Bald- 
win Tavern, where we secured an elegant private bedroom and set- 
tled down for the night with a feeling of rest and satisfaction to 
know we had reached the end of our journey, and Clarissa and I 
could pillow our heads on the great Pacific shore. I had already 
dreamed my dream, and Clarissa was entitled to have her dream 


now 


326 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


CHAPTER XXXI. 



HE next morning the noise of the newsboys and rattling 
wagons awoke ns, and looking out onto Market street we 

6\W£) e 

thought we was in Chicago, but the fact that the atmos- 
phere was so different dispelled that idea. 

I asked Clarissa what she dreamed. She said she was so tired 
and sleepy when she went to bed she never thought a word about 
dreaming, but she felt young and strong, and ready to put in the 
day sight-seeing. 

We had a splendid breakfast, and enjoyed the hour we was in 
the bis: dining room very much. There was lots of fine dressed 
women and men eating breakfast, and we heard some women sitting 
at the next table to us talking a good deal like them women in Mr. 
Palmer’s dining room in Chicago, and Clarissa said she guessed the 
women was pretty much alike the world over — them that wants 
to be good are good and kind, and them that wants to be mean and 
hypocritical are as mean as they know how to be — regular slander- 
ing hypocrites. 1 was so bi ling mad to hear ’em slandering folks 
that according to their own talk had been friends to ’em, that I was 
just going to wheel round and give ’em a piece of mv mind when 
Clarissa, perceiving my mind (she is an awful perceiver, and can 
tell what a person is thinking about before they speak a word), said: 

“Benjamin, stop! don’t you do it. It’s no use for us to under- 
take to make folks true and honest by talking to ’em. We’ll find, if 
we undertake it, that we’ve got a bigger task on our hands by two 
thousand times than General Grant had in driving the rebels out of 
Vicksburg.” 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


3 2 7 


Clarissa was right, and I knew she was, so l finished my break- 
fast and let the rest of ’em alone. 

After breakfast Clarissa and I went down to the office and in- 
quired for the office of Dodgem, Skipem ck Oppenheimer. The smart 
young fellow behind the counter twisted his red moustache several 
times in a meditative manner as though he didn’t know whether 
’twas best to answer our questions or not, and turning so as to get. 
the most sparkle possible on the big sign for a glass factory he had 
deposited on his shirt bosom, finally condescended to tell us that he 
didn’t know any such persons in the city. 

I told him if it wasn’t too much trouble I’d be much obliged to 
him if he’d show me some one that wouldn’t spoil by answering a 
few civil questions. Just then a middle-aged gentleman, standing 
near the counter, overhearing my remarks, says, “Mr. — what is it 
you want to know? Perhaps I can tell you.” This man, I found 
out, was the proprietor of the tavern, and it didn’t hurt him a mite 
to talk like a gentleman, which he was. 1 asked him about the 
agents of Ketchem, Holdem & Skinem, and handed him the card of 
Dodgem, Skipem & Oppenheimer. He said he would send a boy 
with me to the street and number indicated on the card, but he had 
never heard of the firm. T told him about the excursion, and 
showed him the advertisement, and then told him how l had to pay 
for everything, and received the promise of a rebate to be paid to me 
for all these extra charges at this office, and showed him the checks. 

The landlord shook his head in a doubtful manner, and said the 
names of the parties didn’t inspire much confidence in his mind 
that the thing was very honest. 

The boy started, while Clarissa and I followed until we found 
the place, which was a small, dingy room in a dirty-looking part of 
the city, not far from the wharf where our ferry boat landed us. We 
went into the office and found a fellow behind a desk. As we went 
in he got up and come up to us. He weighed about 140 pounds, 
had a horrible big nose shaped like a parrot’s bill, a little low fore- 


328 SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 

head, short, kinky black hair, and black eyes that could look right 
through vou. 

There was something about our manner and looks that told him 
what we was there for. 

1 said, “Is Mr. Dodgem in?” 

“Ah, mein frent, you vants to see Mr. Dodgem, doen't you? 
Yis. Veil, 1 am reely sorry, but Mr. Dodgem dodged onto a train 
for Ni Yark last Vendsday, and ve hat not heard von word from 
him sense.” 

“Well,” said I, “is Mr. Skipemin?” 

“Veil, now, mein frent, it vas reely too bad agin! You see, 
mein frent, Mr. Skipem vas a vary nice shentleman, and from a 
vary respectable family, but the poor feller had the consumption 
ven he come oud here from Boston. He thought this climate vud 
cure him, but effry sense he vas here he has had a horwyble cough, 
und last Saturday night, ven all vas still, the poor feller skipped the 
country.” 

“Where did he skip to?” I asked. 

“Oh, mein frent, he must haf skipped right up to Heflen ! Oh. 
it’s too bad; Sharley vas such a nice feller. I am reely sorry he 
isn't here for you to meet him.” 

“Well,” said I, “I suppose your name must be Oppenheimer, as 
I don't see anybody else in.” 

“Yis, that vas mein name. Vas there anything I can do for you, 
mein frent ?” 

1 said, “Yes,” and immediately produced my tickets, rebate 
checks, receipts, and the company’s advertisement, and the card of 
Dodgem, Skipem & Oppenheimer, and told him my story, which 
was backed up by the testimony of my beloved Clarissa. 

He looked the papers and checks all over, and then, with a holy 
grin on his dirty yellow countenance, that looked as though it had 
been handed to him by Jacob and his forefathers (for certainly it 
was an old grin) said, as he wrung his hands together : 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


3 2 9 


“ Ah ! mein frent, I am not the Oppenheimer you vas looking- 
for. I don’t belong in that firm. I vas a broker in diamonds. It 
is mein pruther, Moses Oppenheimer, what is the member ol that 
firm. Reely I vas vary sorry for you, but mein pruther Moses 
sailed for Europe last Sunday, the day we all luf to observe on ac- 
count of the Holy Shesus. I don’t know vat can pe done for you.” 
Said I, “Haven't they left any one here to attend to their busi- 
ness, and hasn’t the company made any arrangements for doing 
as they agreed?” 



MOSES OPPENHEIMER. 


“Veil, now, mein frent, l don’t know n lidding at all apout that 
company or any of their arrangements. Only 1 know mein pruther 
paid lots of money to Eastern passengers coming in here on a big 
excursion, but 1 spose the firm haf vound up their peeziness.” 

While we was talking to this son of Abraham, a fine, healthv- 
looking young fellow come in through the back door, smoking a 
cigar, and threw some papers on the desk ; at the same time a fine- 
dressed young man come into the front door, and approaching the 
young man that come in from the back door, hollered out: 


330 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


“ Well, well ! Charley Skipem, old boy, how do you do?” 

“ My dear Ben, by George, I’m glad to see you ; when did you 
leave Boston? and how are the folks? did you see my father and 
mother before you left? Come in Ben and have a seat, and tell me 
all the news, and everything about yourself.” 

During this short conversation between Charley Skipem (who 
died last Saturday night) and his old friend Ben, Mr. Oppenheimer’s 
face had turned ashy pale. Mr. Skipem, upon noticing it, hollered 
out, “Moses Oppenheimer, what in the devil ails you?” Moses 
sank into a chair as limp as a dish rag, and cried out : 

“ Oh ! mein Shesus, mein Shesus 1 You vos proke us all up in 
peezness, and our hull tarn shanty vill pe arrested and the Jew 
fainted, while I took advantage of the situation and asked Charley if 
he was Mr. Skipem of the firm of Dodgem, Skipem & Oppenheimer. 

He replied that he was. 

I asked him if that sick Jew was his partner. He said he was. 

Then 1 told him who I was, where I was from, and produced 
the advertisement, my tickets, checks, rebate receipts, etc., and de- 
manded a settlement. 

He began to hem and haw, and said he was very sorry that he 
could not do anything for me. “The fact is,” said he, “the funds 
deposited with us for rebates on those excursion tickets have all been 
exhausted, and l can't pay any more rebates until the company ad- 
vance more funds.” 

“Well,” said l, “ l have already paid an extra price on tickets, 
and sleeping car fares and meals, to say nothing about the enormous 
railroad fare in Colorado, Utah and Nevada, over $380, and I want 
my pay; and if you don’t settle this at once I’ll have you arrested 
in less than five minutes.” I got hopping mad when I discovered 
their scheme, through their lying son of Abraham, and I thought 
I’d scare them if I couldn’t do any more. 

“ Well,” said Skipem, “ I haint got any of the company’s money, 
and 1 don’t see how 1 can pay you.” 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


331 


“Well,” said 1 , “ I’ll see how you can.” So I asked Clarissa to 
write a note to the landlord of the Baldwin Tavern, to send an offi- 
cer right down here, and I’d send it right up to him by the boy, 
who was still here. Then Mr. Skipem said, “ Look here ; rather 
than have any trouble, I’ll pay you the $200 extra that you paid for 
your tickets in Syracuse, and will write to Ketchem, Holdem and 
Skinem, and state the case and tell them to send me the funds, and 
you come here before you leave the State, and I’ll have it all fixed 
up for you.” 



“you vos 


PROKE US ALL UP IN PEEZNESS.” 


1 said, “Very well, I’ll take it that way.” 

Then he sat down and wrote out a check for $200 on a bank 
(that had been busted for more’n four years) and handed it to me. 
I asked him what he wanted me to do with that? “ Why,” said he, 
“ take it around to the bank on Montgomery Street, and get your 
money.” 

“Yes!” said I, “well, I’ll do nothing of the kind. I want the 
cash.” 

“ Well, then,” said he, “ I’ll go around and get it for you. You 
just stay l ight here till I come back.” 


33 2 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


Said I, “ I guess not ; you died last Saturday night, and your 

Moses, there, sailed for Europe Sunday. I guess I’d better go right 

* 

along with you, for fear you may die on the way.” 

“ Why, what do you mean?” said he. 

Said I, “I mean that you are a confounded hypocritical set of 
swindlers, and I wouldn’t trust you out of my sight.” 

He grew red in the face and finally went to his safe and got the 
money and gave me $200, and handed me a receipt for the money 
for me to sign, which 1 did. 

As we left the office l said to Clarissa, “That is $200 more than 
I really expected to get.” Said she, “ l wouldn’t be a bit surprised 
if the money is counterfeit.” 

We returned to the Baldwin and I got the landlord to give me 
directions for finding the principal points of interest in the city. I 
went to the postofffce and got some letters that was sent to us by 
mail and returned to the tavern, went to our room, where Clarissa 
and 1 read the letters. The first one we read was from Mary, and 
was as follows : 

“The Village, Blank Co., N. Y., ) 
“December 6, 1886. j 

“Dear Ma : 

“I have been expecting a letter from you every clay, but have not received but the one 
you wrote in Chicago. I was so glad you consented to my request. I showed your letter to 
Ebenezer, and it tickled him so that he forgot what he was doing when he waited on the next 
customer, which was a woman from up north of the village, who called for fifty cents worth 
of granulated sugar, and he weighed out and wrapped up twelve pounds of salt ; and then a 
boy that came in after a quart of white vinegar, got a quart of kerosene. Eb said you was 
a darling good old lady, and he was going to kiss you when you got home. 

“Well, we was married last Sunday night, in the front room, where he and I was sitting 
the night you come home from Smuggins’. We had to get Elder Danberry to marry us as 
the Baptist minister was away from home. I invited our old neighbors in, and they all had a 
good time except Sarah Smuggins, who seemed to be out of sorts all the evening. Abe be- 
haved real nice, and hitched up the horse for us to take a sleigh ride. After it was all over, 
we drove down to the village and staid all night at Brown’s tavern. We have just com- 
menced housekeeping up stairs over the store where Teeters used to live. Oh! ma, you don’t 
know how much fun we are having. Eb is up stairs two-thirds of the time, and he wants to 
kiss me all the time. Say, ma ; can you tell me what is good for sore and chapped lips? My 
lips are dreadful sore. I think it was from taking cold in them when Abe brought us down 
here Sunday night. Ebenezer has had to hire a clerk since we got married, as he don’t get 
time to wait on all his customers. He says that 1 draw trade wonderfully ; that although I 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


333 


have not been in the store an hour altogether since we was married, yet every one of our old 
neighbors and friends are trading with him. Say, ma ; can you tell me what is good to make 
me sleep? I haven’t slept scarcely a wink for the last five nights, and I feel just as tired as 
though I had done a big washing. Oh ! Eb is a perfect darling, he is so good to me ; but 
ma, he is troubled with an awful headache. What had I better give him for it? He has got 
our rooms all furnished up just as nice and pretty as they can be. He is such a dear good 
darling ; and the cook stove is splendid. He is as neat as wax. The carpet on the front 
room is three ply. He helps me get the meals and wash the dishes and says it is fun, and 
then winds up by kissing me a dozen times. The curtains are buff and have got a brass ring 
on the bottom of them. He brings up all the wood and water, and stops to kiss me each 
trip. I brought the organ from home, and have got it in the front room. He carries all the 
slops down stairs for me, and says it’s fun. The bedstead and bureau are black walnut, and 
are real nice. He made up the bed this morning, and the looking-glass is a large nice one ; 
the carpet is rag, and was presented to me by Abby Standish. He shuts the store up real 
early so as to be with me during the evening. Our dining-room table is a ten foot ash exten- 
sion. Aint he awful nice ? We have got a room all fixed up nice for you and pa to sleep in 
when you get home. Oh ! he is just too sweet for anything. Now ma, write me just as soon 
as you get this, and let me know when you are coming home. I hope it will be soon. He 
is hollering for me to come down to the store to sell some candy, as he is awful busy and hasn’t 
time to come up stairs to see me. So I’ll have to go, and bid you good-by. 

“Your loving daughter, Mary.” 


“ Well,” said I, “she’s got it bad, haint she?” 

“ Well,” said Clarissa, “it looks that way; but, Benjamin, you 
know they always have it worse the first part than any other time, 
but generally, when they have a severe attack the first week, it aint 
apt to last very long,” 

“Is that so?” said I. “Well, it will be a good thing for Eb’s 
business if it don’t, for if it does, his business won’t be apt to last 
very long.” It was my turn to read my letter now, so I tore open 
the envelope, and read out loud my letter, which was from Abe, and 
is as follows, to-wit: 

“Deer daD. mary has got marreD. and I’m golldarned glad on’t, i never got so sick uv 
ennv thing in mi life as i hav uv hur. she haz ackted like a golldarned fule fur the last 
munth, until she got marred, she wuld go around the house like a kat with fits, and i had tu 
hitch up the old mare and taker down to the villege every forenoon, and every nite i’d hav 
tu take care uv plunkits Horse, i didnt git ennything tu eat haf the time, After she got 
your letter, she jest went krazy she cum up tu me and kissed me. and kissed the hired 
man an kissed the pump and kissed the old brindled kow. She ackted like a fule, until the 
nite she got marred — Then she behaved sweet, and T wuz glad ont, and sence then she has 
ben down to the villege, and dolly dulittie has bin keeping house fur us, and we hav plenty tu 
eat now and dolly iz az alltired nice az she can be, and she luks kinder sweet on me every time 


334 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN'S 


i cum in the house, say pa, The old mare slipt down tother day and spraned hur back, and 
i’m frade she wont git. well and missis boyles iz sick with morbus kolick and dave Kirk wuz 
sude fur cheatin the baptist minister in a hoss trade, and george waddles haz had to sell his 
farm to git monney enuff tu pay fur his swindlin and keep from goin to Jale — and he and hiz 
wi fe hav packed up thayer goods and are goin to go to Chicago and pa and ma, i wish you 
would hurry home i want you to take kare uv the cows and help milk, so good by, 

“Your dutiful AbraHam.” 


Clarissa said, “ Well, there haint any deceit about Abe. What 
he thinks, he says.” “ Yes, just like his dad,” I replied. 

There was another letter 1 had not yet opened, so I tore it open 
and read it, viz.: 

‘The Village, Blank Co., N. Y., 

“Dec. 7, ’86. 

“Mr. Benjamin Morgan, San Francisco, Cal. 

Dear Sir : — We regret being obliged to ask you to make your visit to the Pacific Coast 
short and hasten home, but certain things have recently developed in relation to the Waddles 
difficulty, and other things, that we deem it to your interest to be here before the next term 
of court, which commences four weeks from to-morrow. If you can arrange to be here 
within two and a half weeks, or three at the outside, from now, we should like to have you do 
so. It will be to our mutual interest for you to do so. 

“Very respectfully yours, 

“Darkly & Evans, Bankeis .” 

L was perfectly surprised at the contents of this letter, and 
could not possibly imagine what was up. We talked the matter 
over, and concluded to look around San Francisco for two or three 
days, then go down to Los Angeles, stay there one day, and then 
take the Southern Pacific Railroad home. 

After we had dinner we started out to take the whole city in, 
and know all we coidd about it in the short time we had allowed 
ourselves. We went through the new City Hall, the United States 
Mint, taking some specimens from the mint with us, the National 
Treasury, the Palace Tavern, the Standard Theater, the Panorama 
Hall, the Vienna Garden, the Mercantile Library, the Mechanics’ 
Institute, the Mechanics’ Pavilion, the Hammam Baths, the Art 
School, the California Market, the Fish Market, Leland Stanford’s 
residence, Saint Patrick’s Church, the Hop Wo Joss House, the 
Ning Wong Joss House, the Kong Chow Joss House, the Dan San 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


335 


Fung Theater, the Ann Quai Yuen Theater, the Chinese Mer- 
chants’ Exchange, and the Cliff House, and Fort Point Narrows of 
Golden Gate. 

Considering that we took all these and some other points that 
was interesting in, and got an idea of them in three days, we think 
we done pretty well for green farmers. Nothing escaped our notice 
that we saw, and we wasn’t afraid to ask all kinds of questions. 

I was most interested in Chinatown, as there I met a class of 
people that don’t grow in Morganville or anywhere nigh there. 
Their pigeyes and pigtails, greasy, yellow faces and heathenish 
countenances; their funny shoes, and pantalet breeches, with their 
shirts hanging outside, was so different from any other kind of folks 
that I couldn’t keep from looking at them as I would a menagerie, 
and the way they lived, ate, slept, and done business was so peculiar 
that I come to the conclusion that they must have been dropped 
down onto the earth from some of the planets. I presumed they 
fell from Jupiter, as they look as though they might be a cross be- 
tween a Jew and the original Peter, for the way they live, move and 
have their being, is strongly suggestive that they came from some 
celestial climate, and are bound for the place to which it is said 
Peter carries the keys, and have stopped temporarily on the surface 
of old earth to pick up what they can, like hies in summer, and 
carry it along with them. Like the bothersome hies, they are con- 
tent with a little at a time, but they are all the time after that little, 
and when 1 found out there was about 25,000 of them in this city 
1 could readily see how they managed to get pretty much all the 
subsistence away from the respectable white laborers. 

I had read in the papers during the past ten years more. or less 
about the persecution of the poor Chinaman on the Pacific Coast, 
and naturally, I come to the same conclusion that most of the Eastern 
people have — that they was a innocent and honest class of folks, 
being imposed upon and persecuted by a lawless set of Irish vaga- 
bonds. But my ideas have undergone a radical change, for 1 find 


336 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


the honest laborers, including Irish and all other kinds, have 
been driven almost to want and poverty by these pesky transient 
heathen, who, by their low wages and miserable living, serve to fat- 
ten the pockets of the avaricious capitalists of the Pacific Slope, and 
rob the honest, respectable white laborer of his livelihood ; and I 
ask my Eastern friends, in justice to humanity and the facts in the 
case, not to waste their sympathetic brine and spoil their lovely 
countenances with red eyes for the poor, persecuted heathen in Cal- 
ifornia. If these are true representatives of that Celestial country, 
I’ll pray to the Creator to keep Jupiter on t’other side of the earth, 
and under no circumstances let him roll through the heavens over 
the Empire State, and fill its domains with any of its windfalls. 

Hypocrisy crops out all along the sunny Pacific’s slope, as thor- 
oughly, and in some instances, more so, as it does on the Atlantic 
side of this great country. I would like to refer to many instances 
where I met it in all its grandeur and submitted to its tricks in be- 
ing swindled to the extent of what little loose change I had in my 
pockets, but I haintgot time to do it. 

I am, every day of my life, convinced that the wisest thing that 
Benjamin Morgan ever done in his whole life, was to make his wife 
Clarissa, the banker and general financial manager of the firm of 
B. Morgan & Wife. Ever since he done that deed, the swindling 
hypocrites have had mighty poor picking in his patch ; and my ad- 
vice to the male sex in general is this : First, wait before you marry 
a female, until you are old enough to know what you want to marry 
her for; then pick out a level headed, smart woman of the female 
sex and marry her. Don't, under anv circumstances marry a fool 
because she is pretty, nor a male woman, because she can talk and 
argue, but take a genuine, sweet-tempered, but firm female, and then 
make her what the name of her sex indicates she ought to be — a 
fee-male, and give her the fees that you receive from your business, 
and let her take care of it. and you’ll be surprised in ten years to 
know how much she has saved for you, and how many chances of 


\ 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES 


337 


being swindled you have escaped. In case she doesn’t prove to be 

a good financial manager, you’ll have the satisfaction, at least, of 

having some one else beside yourself to blame for vour lack of 

~ •/ 

prosperity. 

Of course, I am aware that circumstances alter cases. You 
might not have any money for her to take care of. In such cases, 
you needn’t pay any attention to this piece of gratuitous advice, 
and you needn’t bother her with the responsible duties of being 
vour cashier. 

m/ 


J* 



22 



33 § 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN S 


t 


CHAPTER XXXII. 

IIllHREE days of San Francisco life has crowded my head with 
many pleasant things that may be profitable for me to keep 
^ there, until such time as l want to draw them out. 

We took the morning train for Los Angeles, stopping on our 
way to visit some of those mammoth trees whose wonderful pro- 
portions have been described by every press in the world, and no 
one thinks of visiting California without writing a full description 
of them, even if they haven’t been within a hundred miles of them, 
and generally they will manage to lie all they dare to about them. 
They are all-fired big trees, anyhow, and it makes you dizzy to try 
and watch a mosquito light on one of the top branches. I mean 
one of the branches on the top of the trees — these big tall trees I’m 
talking about, is what 1 mean. I saw the biggest one in Cali- 
fornia, and walked around it. I was tired when I got around to the 
point I started from, 1 acknowledge, but what of that? I’ve been 
pretty tired at times when I hadn't walked half as far, but that’s no 
sign that it’s necessary for them to build a horse railroad around it, 
so the visitor can see the tree on all sides the same day, and save 
the expense of five dollars for staying over night, in order to finish 
his tour of inspection. 

1 went into the hollow place inside, and I know now by my own 
observation, that it haint half large enough to accommodate a crowd 
at a World' s Fair as the Californians have been hinting about. As 
I said before, it is an all-fired big tree, but there has been a tremen- 
dous big lot of lies told about it. Out of respect to this king of 



339 


THE DEAD GIANT 





EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


341 


the forests and his cousins, and his sisters and his aunts (I wish I 
knew who rung that bell in my ears, then?) I guess I’ll let ’em stand 
there, and go 011 to Los Angeles. 

The ride to this city, made famous by its fruits and wines, is 
delightful. The cars are well filled with natives and tenderfeet— 
the latter being in the majority. The train talk differs from what 
you hear on the Eastern railroads, as it consists largely of expres- 
sions of surprise and wonderment, such as, “ Oh, oh ! Isn’t that 
grand!” “ Say, Jennie, haint that pretty?” ‘‘Yes; and George, 
do you see that mountain peak off yonder?” “Oh, do you mean 
that one that glistens in the sunlight? ” “Yes; it looks like the 
Bartholdi statue when the torch is blazing.” “ Oh, say ! what are 
those pretty trees?” “Why, those are orange trees; that is an 
orange grove. Don’t you see that farmhouse almost hid in their 
shade?” “Oh, yes; now I do.,” etc., etc. 

The talk of the natives, instead of being on the topic of hogs 
and cattle, is about mines and orange plantations, with an occa- 
sional story of some San Francisco scandal, in which some United 
States Senator, or banker, or big gun of some kind, or a common 
preacher is mixed up with some woman of the female sex. 

The average Californian that one meets in traveling through 
the country, seems to live and grow fat on sensation. It makes but 
little odds what it is; anything, from the torturing of a pigeyed 
heathen to the killing of an editor; from kissing another man’s 
wife, to the real, genuine domestic happiness and purity of a 
family' (considered a rarity by some), so long as the news is fresh , 
and likely to create a little breeze, it is a good meal, and seems to 
be relished. 

Of course, I don’t mean to apply this remark to the general 
run of residents in the Golden State, but to the average of them 
that you meet on the trains and boats, and at the taverns. And for 
that reason, I understand that a first class liar that can swing the 
quill in good shape, has no difficulty in getting a good paying job 


34 2 


SIIAMS; or, uncle ben’s 


as a reporter for the press in the Golden State. There is not any 

more difficulty in finding- first class liars in California, than there is 

in Nevada, Chicago, Omaha, Denver, or even New York, but to get 

one that can use the pen in a smooth and rapid manner, and can 

wrap up his stories in Webster’s choicest words, is not so easy a 

task, consequently good reporters get good pay. A reporter that 

can tell both sides of a lie in good shape at the same time, can get 

double pay by working for two opposition papers at once. He 

/ 

wants to possess the qualities of that reptile that has the power to 
change his color at will. Most good liars get in the habit of telling 
their lies in the same style, consequently they are unfit for newspa- 
per use as double-barreled reporters, and have to content them- 
selves in lying for small papers at moderate pay. A reporter that 
confines himself strictly to the truth has no commercial value, and 
consequently, is out of the market. Even tract publication con- 
cerns have no use for them ! When I was in Chicago, Clarissa tried 
to get such a situation, but they wouldn’t give her enough to board 
her at a free lunch counter. One would think females would make 
good reporters, but there haint a newspaper in the country, not even 
a temperance journal, that will hire them. I know no other reason 
for it than that they are too truthful. I find 1 have pretty nigh for- 
got to tell what 1 started out to, which was about our arrival at Los 
Angeles. 

We got into “ The City of the Angels," Los Angeles, in the even- 
ing. The sun had crossed the Pacific, or had sailed over its pacific 
bosom out of sight, but had left his rays of gold, crimson and pur- 
ple on the sky, and scattering clouds that seemed to spread over the 
great ocean like a huge crazy quilt, and looked like a sublime pic- 
ture, set in a dark navy blue velvet frame, the surrounding shades 
of night furnishing the velvet. We took a omnibus to the principal 
tavern. 1 was going to mention the name of this house, and speak 
well of it, but the landlord charged us for everything we had, just 
as if he never expected to meet us again on earth or in heaven, and 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


343 


considered it his last chance to shear us lambs, and 1 wont say a 

m/ 

word about his tavern, for 1 don’t want to do either him or the trav- 
eling public any harm. 

We didn’t intend remaining but one day, but there was so much 
to be seen, and something so enchanting about the place, that we 
staid there two days, and then hated to leave. We felt almost 
bound to it, and had it not been for them letters we received in San 
Francisco I wouldn't be surprised if we had staid there until now. 



When the Spaniards founded this place in 1781, they named it 
the “Los Angeles,” which means the city of the angels. Judging 
from its lovely location in one of the finest valleys in the world, 
fourteen miles from the great Pacific, divine inspiration must have 
caused them to give it that name. If the angels ever occupied the 
city, they have long since flown away. I have no doubt that the 
avaricious speculator and land grabber put up a deal with them 
and froze them out. At any rate, there are no angels there, but the 


344 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEX’S 


land-grabber and lot speculator is there in all the glory and strength 
of his prime, and is pretty nigh monarch of all he surveys. 

This is one of the beauty spots of nature. Nature and art 
seem to have joined hands here and received the approving compli- 
ment of the Infinite: “ It is good ; Yea, very good. I’ll bless thee 

with sunshine and dew ; thy fields shall yield abundance.” 

The orange groves, orchards and vineyards are wonderful, and 
furnish millions of people throughout the United States with delica- 
cies for the table. 

I had to lay aside my scruples on the drinking question, and 
take some of their elegant wine. The force of St. Paul’s sugges- 
tion to Timothy, “ Take a little wine for thy stomach’s sake and 
thine oft infirmities,” seemed to appeal to my conscience and set- 
tled the question in favor of the wine, which 1 imbibed several 
times while I was there. Clarissa told me she was afraid Saint Paul 
would have a tremendous accouut to settle if he had to father all* 
the drunkards in the world. She said there was more hypocrites 
sailing under Saint Paul’s advice to Timothy, than under all other 
banners in the world, “ And now,” said she, “ you have joined the 
band.” 

Her remarks was cutting, and I found I had got to lie if I ex- 
plained it under that old sham. So 1 up and said, “ Well, Clarissa, 

I wont lie. I drank the first glass of the wine to see what it tasted 
like, and 1 have drunk the rest of them ’cause 1 like it.” 

1 haven’t got any headache, toothache, stomach ache, weak 
lungs, liver complaint, rheumatism nor scaldhead, to offer as an ex- 
cuse for drinking that wine ; and 1 haint Timothy nor any relation 
to him ; so I’ve either got to lie for an excuse, or tell the truth, and 
I prefer to maintain the purity of my standard of principle, and own 
up to the real reason why I drank the fluid extract of grapes man- 
ufactured in the City of the Angels. I have firmly resolved not to 

* 

drink any more of it for fear l shall like it muchly, and I advise my 
friends to quit drinking just before you take the first drink. 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


345 


CHAPTER XXXIII. 

W ITH regret we leave the angelic city of delicious fruit anc 
1 sparkling wine, California’s rosy-cheeked joy, but the 
* ■ time comes when the best of good things must separate. 

There is no such thing in this world as permanency in union ; the 
bonds will and must break in time, and then separation follows. 
We turned our faces eastward. A bright star shining in the heav- 
ens over the Empire State, marked the exact location of Morgan- 
ville, Blank County, and henceforth was to be our guide. What its 
beauteous rays foretold, we could not understand, as the missives 
we received in San Francisco seemed to cloud affairs in that lo- 
cality with a veil of mystery. 

Although we had for two days been dwellers in the City of the 
Angels, ’nary an angel condescended to tell us whether to joy or sor- 
row we was urged to return by the. banker’s letter, and the feeling 
of uncertainty and doubt was more annoying than the real facts, 
however unpleasant, could have been. 

Right here let me ask some of our learned men in the school of 
metaphysics why it is that men and women can’t be honest and frank 
enough to write about plain facts in a plain, straightforward man- 
ner, and not go to work and make a great mystery out of a simple 
fact, and if it is unpleasant news they have to communicate put 
their hand on an honest pen and make it say the words plainly, that 
its recipient may know the worst as it really is, instead of torturing 
him with cruel and hypocritical ambiguous phrases of uncertainty? 
If it is joyous news they have to impart, why mix the wormwood 


346 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


of doubt with the sugar of bliss in store, thereby destroying the 
delectable dish, and converting it into stale grapes? I don’t suppose 
any of them will be able to give any better explanation than the 
one Clarissa gave me just now, as she looked over my two shoul- 
ders while 1 was asking this question. She said, — 

“ Benjamin, that is simple enough ; it's because the folks that 
write that way can’t help it, they have so much sham in their make 
up. They couldn’t be plain yes and no kind of folks if they tried to.” 
I believe Clarissa is right. That banker, Brown, down to the 
village, could just as well have wrote me plain just what was up, 
as to have done as he did, if he hadn’t been born a sort of hypocrite. 

Here 1 am chasing alter a figure that hasn’t any business figur- 
ing in this book, and I am sorry, patient reader (if you have read 
the book so far) that I have inflicted this trip after a figure onto 
vou ; but if you haven’t read the book 1 am glad 1 have done the 
inflicting, for you deserve it. If you allow all the other cranks to 
stuff their books into your head, you ought to give me an equal 
show with the other idiots that think they can write something. I 
will invite you to “ get on board” the Southern Pacific train and 
go East with us. 

“ Some great writer has said, “ There is a limit to all good 
things.” Much as I regret the discovery was ever made, l have 
always found it out to be a fact. Even that beautiful suggestion of 

the immortal Horace G., “ Go West , young man ; GO West,” good 

# 

as it seems to be, has a limit, for you finally arrive at a point where 
you can’t go west unless you are a good swimmer. Clarissa and I 
had reached that point, and as we started out to travel for a period 
of what J ulia Spear in her essay, called, “ Tempus fugiting,” but 
which being translated from the Turkeyses language, means “flying 
time,” we would have been obliged to go East about now, if banker 
Brown hadn’t urged me to come home. 

Clarissa and I have talked it over and we have concluded to 
not let that letter worry us at all, and take our time in going home. 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES 


347 


Life is too short to perspire it all out, and if we keep cool we will last 
longer. And now if you’ll go East with us, we will have a good 
time, but if you wont, just you watch us while we go, and see what 
nice things we pick up on our way between the wine cup of California 
and the pleasant meadows of Uncle Ben Morgan’s farm in Mor- 
ganville, Blank County, New York, and look out for “ Tidings of 
Comfort and Joy.” 



A STREET SCENE IN LOS ANGELES. 


We took the train leaving Los Angeles, of the Southern Pacific 
Railroad, at seven o’clock Tuesday morning. The usual perform- 
ance was undergone in securing our bedrooms. This time Clarissa 
and I concluded we would take a box room pretty nigh one end of 
the car so she could lay down during the day if she felt tired. We 
found this to be an improvement over the up and down-stair 



348 


SHAMS; OK, UNCLE BEN’S 


arrangement, as we could be a little more secluded, and then it was 
higher toned, and gave us an appearance to the rest of the passengers 
of being millionaires, and you know there is a little satisfaction in 
being considered wealthy where you aint known. 

We paid our respects to the colored lord of the car in the shape 
of a fifty-cent piece in order to secure civility on his part. 

It is surprising how much colored respect and attention you 
can buy for fifty cents. I lost my identity as a Morganville cow- 
stripper, and was taken for Spreckles; whether it was because of 
my wealthy appearance or because of Clarissa, who looked as sweet 
as a hogshead of Sandwich Island sugar, 1 couldn't tell, but I sup- 
pose it was on account of that box room and the fifty cents. 

The common passengers looked up to me with a sort of rever- 
ential air, and was very polite to us. Clarissa had on the black crow 
grain silk dress she bought in Field’s store in Chicago, and which 
she intended to give to the poor busted speculator’s wife, for whom 
it was made, but which she didn’t do on account of not having 
time to hunt her up; and of course she made an impression that 
money with us was plenty. 

I was frequently called “ Mr. Spreckles.” 1 couldn't under- 
stand what they meant, at first; but when a gentleman approached 
me with a pencil and book in his hand and said, — 

“ Excuse me, Mr. Spreckles, for taking the liberty to ask you 
a few questions. I am the traveling correspondent of the New 
York World , and am getting all the points of interest I can in this 
country for its columns, and as I have been informed you are the 
great sugar man of the Pacific coast, 1 should like to have a brief 
outline of your history, and an account of your immense posses- 
sions, and the modus operandi of conducting your mammoth 
business,” 1 laughed at the anxious reporter, and said : 

“ Young man of the World , I have suffered a great many in- 
flictions in the course of my life ; I have had the measles and the 
mumps , th e yellow jaundice and the rheumatism ; I have had my left 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


349 


leg broke and set, and a crick in my side ; I have lost more or 
less property, have been fearfully deceived in men, and swindled 
besides, but the worse inflicticated l ever was in my life, was by a 
newspaper reporter, and you will please excuse me if l turn you 
over to my sugar plantation, the only one I possess at the present 
time, or ever did possess, my wife Clarissa, and maybe she can 
entertain you.” 

I took a paper, borrowed Clarissa’s specs, and set down in the 
seat next to the one she and the reporter occupied. 1 pretended to 
be reading, but really was listening to their talk. I wanted to see 
how she would handle him, and tne joke that that porter had evi- 
dently started. It run about as follows : 

“ Mrs. Spreckles, I beg pardon for disturbing you, but if it will 
not be asking too great a favor, I would like an outline of your hus- 
band’s history, and his great business interests. The world has 
been wanting to know all about him for a long time, and this is the 
first opportunity I have had to meet him.” 

“ Well,” said she, ‘are you the world ? and are you the whole 
world ? and is it possible that everybody lives and moves in you? ” 
“ No, no ! Madam, you don’t understand me. There is a news- 
paper published in New York City called the World , and I am its 
correspondent, and that newspaper desires the information I ask.” 
Clarissa heaved a sigh of comfort, and seemed to feel easier, 
and after wiping her eves and taking a peppermint, she said : 

“ Well, Mr. Man of the World, I am glad l understand you. 
Now, as a general rule, I do not allow myself to be interviewed by 
newspaper reporters. I don’t like them. 1 have found them to be 
meddlesome, and as a rule, inclined in a large degree to prevaricate. 
And furthermore, I am by natural build opposed to giving away 
family secrets, and if 1 have the correct idea of what you are after, 
it is my husband’s life — ” 

“ l beg your pardon, Madam,” said the correspondent, “ 1 am 
no murderer.” 


350 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


“Well, l didn’t say you was. I don’t suppose you intend to 
kill him, although, nine times out of ten, when you fellows get a 
chance to write up a person’s history, you manage to kill them — 
either socially, religiously, politically, or financially, and I suppose 
you want me to tell you all about him that I know, so that the 
world may know it, and put its approving, or otherwise, stamp 
upon it ? ” 

“Yes, yes! you catch my idea.” 

“ Well, as we have got a long ride before us, and as I see noth- 
ing of interest in the country through which we are passing, I had 
just as soon kill time in accommodating you with what information 1 
possess. In the first place, I am unable to give you his early history — 
I mean from the time he first received the kiss of woman down to 
the period when manhood seemed to rest upon his shoulders. 
Whether he came from highly respectable and honorable parentage, 
or, to use a lawyer’s term, versus , I know not, as I never saw them ; 
but I have strong suspicions that they was the former, and not 
versus , as he bears the earmarks (so to speak) of respectability and 
honor, and I know he is strictly honest, and in the main, truthful. 
How do you think that description of my husband will suit the 
World?" 

“ Oh, splendidly; but please go on." 

“ Oh, certainly, I intend to go on, as I have only just begun. 
When he first met me, it was at a prayer-meeting, at the Giddings 
schoolhouse. I was introduced to him by his aunt, who seemed to 
take a strong liking to me. 1 can tell you enough that happened 
during our courtship and early marriage to fill the World three or 
four times, if you will only leave the advertisements in.” 

“ Please excuse me, Madam, but I do not wish to enter into your 
private life, or know anything about your family relations. I do 
not wish to enter the secret domains of family privacy.” 

Cla rissa threw her hands up in perfect astonishment, and the 
spectacles fell off from my nose onto the floor, breaking the left-hand 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


351 


glass into three pieces. I never saw a more astonished person in 
my whole life, and in a loud voice she exclaimed, — 

“ Young man, do you mean to say that the World don’t want to 
know all about our family affairs — that it don’t want to tear down 
the curtains of our private apartment — that it don't want to even 
enter into the Holy of Holies of everybody’s private life and trample 
its sacredness into the dust, in its eager desire to find food for the 
scandalmongers — do you mean to tell me this?” 

“ Madam, that is just what 1 wish you to understand.” 

“ Well, then, all I’ve got to say on that point is, that you are 
not of this world . I want to know what kind of a world your World 
is. I want to go to it. I long for a world where the sacred rights 
of an individual may be considered safe, and where the scandal- 
monger has no place or vocation." 

“ Madam, I am not surprised at your remark, or your desire for 
a fair world ; but my World will afford you little, if any, comfort, 
as it is nothing but a paper zvorld — not a real world. So, please lay 
aside your astonishment, and proceed to give me the general points 
of your husband’s public career.” 

“ Well, I can’t tell you much about how he has careered in the 
public, as he has been around home on the old farm, ever since we 
was married, until we started out on this excursion train. He and 
I own a good, nice farm down in Morganville, Blank County, New 
York, about ten miles from the village, and it is all paid for; and what 
time we have lived there, which is going onto a quarter of a century, 
he has careered pretty decent. Once in awhile he has acted real 
foolish, and got swindled to pay for it ; but that is nobody’s busi- 
ness but his’n. I guess almost every man acts foolish, some time or 
other, during their lives.” 

It was the correspondent’s turn, this time. He dropped his 
pencil, and looked up in perfect astonishment, and exclaimed, “ Isn’t 
this Mrs. Spreckles, of San Francisco?” 

Clarissa seemed to enjoy his bewilderment, and in a laughing 


352 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


manner said, “ Well, she was not, unless she had changed her name 
unconsciously.” 

With a sort of fox-and-geese puzzle running all over his coun- 
tenance, he said, “ Is not that gentleman (pointing to me) Mr. 
Spreckles, the great sugar man of the Pacific Coast?” 

“Well,” she replied, “ he is a great hand for sugar and all sorts 
of sweet things, but his name is not Spreckles, but Mr. Benjamin 
Morgan — generally called around home and down to the village, 
‘ Uncle Ben.’ ” 

The correspondent said, “ I must confess that 1 have been mis- 
taken, or rather, misinformed. That colored porter told me that 
your husband must be Mr. Spreckles. I asked how he knew, and 
he said, ‘’Cause he was a mighty rich man, and give him a fifty-cent 
lump of sugar,’ and here 1 have been bothering you on the supposi- 
tion that it was Spreckles, and 1 beg your pardon for taking your 
time.” 

Clarissa said she was real glad to have her time occupied, and 
that she had enjoyed die conversation. ‘’But,” said she, “appearances 
are deceiving. If wealth seems to gild the outside, the world is 
ready to take off its hat and bow to the appearance, not stopping 
to see whether the inside be emptiness, or still worse. If rags 
clothe the appearance, the world passes it by cold and stiffly, not 
caring to take the pains to see whether or not 

An angel fair, 

Bedecked with jewels rare, 

Is there enthroned. 

“The SHAM appearance commands the SHAM respect of the 
SHAM part of the world. But l suppose your World , being a 
Sham World , readily detects the world of SHAMS?” 

“Yes,” said he, “you are quite right. Although I have made 
a mistake, I am quite well pleased in my good fortune in meeting 
Uncle Ben Morgan and his excellent wife Clarissa, and I am sure 
the World will be much more interested in knowing about them than 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


353 


✓ 


Spreckles, and I hope, at no distant day, to make you acquainted 
with the world, and make the world, including ‘ Bill Nye,’ ac- 
quainted with you.” 

Clarissa took his taffy in a professional manner, the same as 
Grant, Blaine, Sherman, and Cleveland and all the rest of the big 
men of the world do and have done, easy and graceful-like, with a 
matter-of-course air onto her complexion, and said: 

“ I thank you for your kind intention, but you needn’t put your- 
self out to introduce us, as we have already got pretty well ac- 
quainted with part of it ; and if our money holds out and life 
continues in partnership with us long enough, we will become bet- 
ter acquainted with some more of it.” 

I had by this time joined them in the occupation of the double 
seat, and shook hands with the Young Man of the World , and we 
fell into conversation very easy like. He wanted our address, so I 
gave it to him as he wrote it down — “ Benjamin Morgan, Morgan- 
ville, Blank Co., New York, care of The Village.” He wanted 
to know the name of the village. I told him it hadn’t got a 
name. He was surprised, and desired to know the reason for 
a nameless village of 1,000 souls. I told him that it happened 
this way: “There was three men got together in a beautiful 
little valley in our county, through which perambulated (which 
means a sort o’ saloon-reel-homeward at four o’clock in the 
morning) a charming stream. It swaggered from one bank to the 
other, stepping up high in some places to get over some big rocks, 
and then pitching headlong into the mud on t’other side. It was 
going up and down, and ziggerty-zaggerty all day long, in order to 
keep up its perambulate through that lovely valley, while them 
three men was concluding on a plan to establish a town at that par- 
ticular spot. Mr. Givemall, a farmer, owned all the land, and pro- 
posed to stake out ioo acres into lots, streets and alleys, and give 
every odd numbered lot. Mr. Takemall, a civil engineer, proposed 
to do the surveying and laying the land off into lots, and establish 


23 


354 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


and define the boundary of each, and to take every odd numbered 
lot for his trouble. Mr. Runemall, who had been an alderman in 
Albany a number of years, said he would organize the village after 
there was enough people there, and run the town. They drew up a 
contract and signed it with a stick dipped into some elderberry 
juice (as they had forgot to bring any ink with them), after which 
they all lay down on their front side and took a drink out of the 
creek. The Albany ex-alderman, after regaining his normal standing, 
and wiping his mouth on his shirt sleeve, said he hadn’t tasted any- 
thing like that since he was first elected as a member of the water 
board in Albany, thirty-odd years before. After their free drinks they 
each lit a cob pipe and smoked the emblematical pipe of peace as a 
guarantee of their bond of union, and their faithful efforts to build 
there a city . 

“ In time there was 200 people there and a town organized, and 
the question of name came up. Mr. Givemall insisted that as he 
had given the land, that it should be named Givemallburg. Mr. 
Takemall insisted that as he had took it all, by rights it should be 
named Takemallburg, and Mr. Runemall demanded that, as it be- 
come his business to Run ’em all, the city should bear the name Run- 
emall ville. The spirit of rivalry run high, and the question is not 
yet settled, and probably will not be for twenty-five years to come. 
I have got a private petition in the hands of Tom Conners to take 
to Albany with him to the Assembly, to have the place named 
Hypocritsburgh.” 

The man of the world listened patiently to my lengthy answer 
to his question, and said he would take that as an item for the 
World. 

While we was rattling along through a dry and uninteresting 
country the passengers in our car got pretty well acquainted, and 
the day didn’t seem half as long as it would have, had it not been 
for that. The man of the World and Clarissa and me seemed to at- 
tract more attention than any other corresponding number of gen- 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


355 


tlemen 0:1 the train. I couldn’t understand it, for there was a 
number of men of notable names on the train, as you will readily 
see by the following schedule : 

Prince Kingokangokoko, the heir apparentof the Whaicki-Woo- 
icki Islands, and his wife, Bridget O’McGinnis Kingokangokoko ; 
R ising Grand Duke Van Haltren, the celebrated baseball twirler; 
Moxie Jim Bludsore, the inventor of a ginger and molasses com- 
pound solution that is being drunk all over the United States as a 
substitute for beer, and “ Mr. O'Reilly, they speak of so highly, that 
keeps a hotel.” There was a number of others of minor importance 
on board, but we three seemed to be the pivotal point of attraction. 

It was getting along toward nine o’clock P. M., and I got tired 
of attracting, and Clarissa had already gone into our box, so 1 said 
to my friend that if he would excuse me, 1 guessed I’d bid him and 
the world good-night and go to bed and retire, which I did in less 
than five minutes. 

We had a refreshing rest and sleep. The gentle swaying and 
rocking of the magnificent sleeper, supplied with the finest kind of 
beds, seemed to act like a charm, conveying us to dreamland in less 
time than a mother can rock her baby to sleep when she has com- 
pany waiting for her in the front room, and the next morning found 
us fresh and ready for anything. 

As we looked out of the window a dreary, desolate country, 
stretching its dry, sand-and-fine-pebble covered surface off into 
space beyond the reach of our eyesight, dotted here and there with 
various kinds of cactus, met our gaze, and it seemed as though a 
day of monotonous scenery was before us ; but we was happily dis- 
appointed before two hours had elapsed. 

We was in New Mexico. When I was at home on the farm, about 

all I knew about New Mexico was from the map I used to see in the 

* 

children’s geography. I didn’t suppose it amounted to much. I 
didn’t have the least idea that it was to the history of the United 
States what a rare specimen is to a museum ; that it was a mine of 


35 6 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEX’S 


wealth to the botany-maker, the geologer, and the builder of 
an-ti-que history. I use the word, AN-ti-< 7 /^ to satisfy Clarissa. 
She insists upon it, and says it is proper to put it in my book just 
at this place, and that I may not have another chance to use it, and 
she says, “ A book without the word An-ti-que in it haint of much 
account nohow.” 

All along this trip, from the time I left home until now, I am 
finding out what a ignorant old fool l have been; but when I look 
out of the car-window and see a native New Mexican, or, as they 
call them here, Greasers , trying to plow a patch of ground with a 



GREASER [’LOWING. 


crooked stick, with a steer’s horn on the ground end of it, drawn by 
two oxen hitched to it with rawhide straps (as 1 did just now), 1 con- 
clude there are others in the world that are igmoranter fools than l 
am. And when 1 see women out in the hot sun, standing around a 
clay hut about six feet high by five or six feet or more in diameter, 
just outside of an old adobe wall surrounding a lot of low, flat- 
roofed, one-story adobe buildings, baking bread for their hungry 
families, while the perspiration rolls down their greasy, dirty, brown 
faces, as we saw them just then while passing, l conclude that it 
will be a pretty tough job to find a ignoranter set. 

It seems to me as though that old man that is pictured in 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


357 


the almanacs with long shaggy hair and whiskers, and carrying a 
scythe on his shoulder, has mowed a swath of one hundred years 
out of time’s calendar in this country, and left them that much be- 
hind the rest of the world. I do not make my calculations merely 
from their ways of plowing, baking and grinding corn by rubbing 
it between two big Hat stones, operated by hand, but because what 
work there is done seems to be largely done by women. So far as 
the outside world is concerned, the majority, I am told, are in com- 
plete ignorance. 

Everywhere you look, primitiveness seems to reign. What the 
Creator done, seems to remain. The native evidently is contented 
with its being so, and cares not, if possessed of the ability, to im- 
prove thereon. If he can succeed in finding enough mud, gravel, 
water and straw, or dead grass, to tread into mass by driving his 
ox over and through it, he will cut it into blocks about a foot square 
by one-half a foot thick, and spread them around on the ground for 
the sun to dry and bake. When his adobe bricks are hard, he will 
build him a little one story flat-roofed room, and feel proud to think 
he has a house. This much of improvement on nature, fills his cup 
of ambition, but the way the adobe brick was made by the first man- 
ufacturer of the article, is the way they make it now. If ignorance 
is bliss, their cup of bliss is running over. 


358 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


CHAPTER XXXIV. 

f j HE scenery had suddenly changed, and from the dull monot- 
^ ony of arid plains, we was surrounded by the picturesque 
} landscape in and around Albuquerque, and from here on to 
Lamy, where we changed cars for Santa Fe, eighteen miles north, 
and on to that city, the scenery is very interesting. 

At noon we rolled into the oldest city in America. When I 
was a boy, and up to the time 1 was married, I supposed New York 
was the oldest place in this country, and that the Dutch was our 
grandparents on both our sides. At that time Clarissa up and made 
me believe that the Spanishers was the first to lay claim to us as pos- 
teritors ; however she didn’t know anv more’n I did that there was 
a city away out west, in a country that neither one of us didn’t 
know nothing about, that was a dumb sight older than New York 
City. But here we was — both of us ignoramuses — right in the heart 
of the oldest city in America, so far as anybody in this world had 
any knowledge of, Santa Fe. 

We entered a hotel, the walls of which was laid up by hands 
that for three centuries or more had been sweeping the strings of 
golden lyres, in paradise, or poking up the fires down in Flades & 
Co.’s sulphur factory, and wrote our names in a register that bore 
visible signs of a corresponding an-ti-que-i-ty. 

Somewhat weary from our long ride, we was glad to rest our- 
selves outlie splint bottom chairs in the low, but spacious dining- 
room. The dinner was Spanish in its general architecture and 
build. Hie first thing on the printed programme was Chili soup. 









/ 



EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


361 

It being a hot day, we thought something Chili would go first-rate. 
Since we left home we have drank all sorts of chilly drinks, and eat 
icecream and frozen puddings, but Chili soup was a thing we had 
.never heard of before. So Clarissa and I called for a plate of it. 

I took a heaping tablespoonful to one swallow, and I thought the 
whole upper story of my physical mortality was on fire. I called 
for ice water while 1 held a towel to my burning tongue. After 
smothering the conflagration, 1 said to the greasy waiter, — 

“ Young Spanisher, if such be your ancestral character, what 
do you mean by playing such a trick on your honest and unsuspect- 
ing customers?” 

“ What trick for you mean ? ” said he. 

“Why,” said 1, “palming that goll-darned hot stuff on us for 
ice-cold soup/’ 

“Oh!” he replied, “that is Chili soupeo.” 

“ It’s a dumb lie,” said I, “it’s hot enough to scald hogs in.” 
“Oh, Noeo! Noeo! You no savveo ; the soupeo be made of 
chilio, which is Mexicano red peppero, and is a heap goodo.” 

“Oh, 1 see; it is red pepper soup, is it, with a sham name to 
deceive folks? Well, I don’t want any more of it.” 

Clarissa said, “ Ben, it is no deception. All there is about it, 
you don’t understand the Mexican, or Spanish, language.” 

“ I know it. I know I am no Spanisho Mexicanero Greasero, 
and consequently o am not supposed to knowo what to eato and be 
safo, buto one thingo l do knowo, and that iso, they don t geto any 
moreo confounded Chili stuff o into my moutho. 

Clarissa said, “ Wello, Ben, don’t make such a fusso about that 
soup, or they’ll all find out what a greenhorno you aieo; but eat 

your victuals and let them stop your mouth. 

The next things on the catalogue was Chili con-corne, Chili colo- 
row, Chili baked beans, and one or two other Chilies, loast beef, 
roast chicken, and a few other roasted and boiled Amencan animals. 


362 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


After a fashion, I managed to make out a pretty good meal. I 
asked the waiter if they was cannibals? 

“ What be they?” he asked. 

Said I, “ You poor, benighted heathen, be you so ignorant that 
you don't know what a cannibal be ? W ell, l am sorry for you ; you 
ought to be converted. A cannibal, my poor fellow, is a savage 
brute of a man, that will slay his brother man and cook and eat his 
body.” 

The waiter started in surprise and said, “ Why, me no hear of 
such a horriblo thingo. No! me no cannibal.” 

“ Well, but according to this here dinner catalogue, you must 
be,” said I. “ Look there — right there (pointing it out to him), do 
you see what it says — don’t it say meats for dinner there ?” 

“ Yes.” 

“Well, now, put your two black Spanish eyes on that sentence, 
don’t it sav Chili Colorow?" 

m/ 

“ Yes.” 

“ Well, that Chili Colorow is to be eaten, isn’t it?” 

'< Yes.” 

“ Well, you ignoramus, don’t you know that Old Colorow was 
an Indian chief of national reputation, living up in Colorado, and 
the Coloradoans have been trying a long time to get rid of him, 
but couldn’t, because they was all afraid of him? And now 
they have evidently killed him and sent his carcass down here 
to destroy all traces of his murder, and you have got hold of 
his cold, dead remains, and are disgracing the proud name of 
America, as well as the name of its oldest citv, by Mexican red 
peppering it, cooking and serving it to your boarders,” and I turned 
to Clarissa and said, “ Come, let's get out of this hotel ; it aint safe 
to be here.” 

The waiter turned from horrifying surprisedness into violent 
laughter, and said, “ Stranger, wait a minuto ; that be no dead In- 
cliano. That is a very fine Mexicano dish, made of potatoes, cab- 











EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


S U S 

bage, turnips, and any other good, fresh vegetables we can get in 
the marketo, mixed with Chili and cooked in plenty of lardo, and it 
be a very nice disho. You just try someo.” 

I found I was the ‘‘benighted heathen ignoramus ” this time. I 
have resolved not to make another break of that kind as long as I live. 
I wonder if all the heathen think the same of the missionaries we 
smart people send to ’em to convert and enlighten them, as that 
Greaser thought of me? If they do, l pity the poor missionaries. 



MR. JUAN I'ERNANDEZ— MAR ACILLO— ROMEO MARTINEZO. 

I eat that colorow, and found it a little hot, but very pleasant. 

After dinner I had a very pleasant chat with the landlord; told 
him who we was and where we was from, and stated also that, as our 
time was limited, we desired to see and learn all we could of Santa 
Fe in our allotted time, and asked how we could do it. 

He informed me that my best way was to get a competent guide, 
one that knew all about the city and its history, to go with us. 

Said I, “That is a capital idea, and 1 am much obliged to you; 
but how is a fellow going to find such a man, when lie is a total 


364 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


“ Oh, that is easy enough. That old porter of mine has lived 
here 117 years, and knows all about Santa Fe, from its infancy, and 
you give him a couple of dollars, and he will tell you all you want 
to know — and more, too.” 

I was pleased with our good fortune, and Clarissa was fairly 
tickled. If anything on earth can tickle that noble, good woman, it 
is a opportunity to learn, and she has been infatuated (I believe I’ve 
got the right word) for the past fifty-three hours, coming five 
o’clock this afternoon, with a desire to learn all about Santa Fe. 

Said I, “ Will you please produce the porter, and get us ac- 
quainted, for I’d like to get a early start.” 

The porter was called and introduced to us as Mr. Juan Fer- 
nandez-Maracillo-Romeo Martinezo. We bowed a very polite bow 
in recognition of his lengthy title and his extreme old age. He re- 
ceived us with equal cordiality, and said he was proud to serve us. 
We found him to be a remarkably smart man, quite vigorous, and 
that he spoke United States perfectly, without any Spanish brogue. 

We started out, and after walking a long distance through a 
narrow street lined on either side with low, flat-topped houses, with 
overhanging balconies that afford shade to their fronts, and following 
our guide a short distance out, we came to a hill back of the city, on 
whose top were the crumbling ruins of an old fort. We climbed 
up to the summit of this hill, whose color resembled a crazy-quilt, 
with brown and yellow predominating, and set down on some rocks. 

Our old guide commenced his description of the city by giving 
us the following history : 

“ You must know, in the first place, that this is a very old town, 
and you will, no doubt, be surprised when I tell its age, so far as we 
have any reliable information.” 

I interrupted him, and said, “ Well, never mind our being sur- 
prised. You can tell us as big a whopper as you are a mind to. You 
can put its age anywhere from 100 to 100,000 years. We are used 
to whopping tall stories. We have heard all sorts of big yarns 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES 


365 


about all sorts of things, ever since 
Omaha, and we have got over being 


we crossed the Missouri at 
surprised at anything. This 



HEADWATERS OF THE RIO GRANDE. 


whole Western country is so full of' surprises that they have got to 
be quite common to us, and we run onto a dozen or more oi them 
every day. So, just go ahead, and tell us about it.” 



3 66 SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 

While we was admiring the scenery he went on : 

“ In 1540, Coronado, a Spanish adventurer, while on a tour of 
exploration, with a large force of Spaniards, marched up the Colo- 
rado River from its mouth, where they landed, to the confluence of 
the Green and Grande, which form the Colorado. Here he divided 
his forces, sending part up the Green, while he with the remain- 
der came up the Rio Grande. 

“ Arriving at this place, he found a large and important city, 
occupied by the most intelligent race of Indians that there is any 
historical evidence of, as having been the inhabitants of North 
America — the Aztecs. 

“ Coronado was seized with a desire to obtain it. His forces 
were camped upon this hill, which you see commanded a view of the 
entire city. At his command they marched down and leveled its 
walls, and laid the city in ruins, driving its inhabitants to the 
mountains. 

“ The present city was erected upon its site. Although many 
changes have occurred during the past 350 years, yet 1 am able to 
show you some of the landmarks of 1540 that still e^ist. 

“The world has been cheated out of the history of this strong- 
hold of the Aztecs by the cruel and inhuman treatment of this won- 
derful race. With Coronado’s conquest, every vestige of history 
of the city was destroyed. The tyrannical treatment of the In- 
dians so embittered them that in 1680, after more than a century of 
humiliation and grinding servitude, they arose and drove the Span- 
ish invaders out of the land. The example set by the Spaniards 
was followed, and they, in turn, destroyed everything they could. 
Churches and public buildings were burned, and all the document- 
ary records of Coronado’s discovery of the place, served as a fire 
in the plaza, by the light of whose flame the angry Indians pushed 
on their work of destruction. Time did not serve them to com- 
plete the destimction, for in 1693, DeVarque, at the head of the 
Spaniards, reconquered the city 7 . From then until now it has been 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 367 

undisturbed, and as a rule, quietness and laziness have lingered 
around and through it. 

“ Were it not for its place in the history of America, and its pic- 
turesque appearance, it would receive but little attention from the 
travelers that are daily visiting it, but as it is, it commands the atten- 
tion of every one passing through New Mexico. 

“ You will find the city, outside of the modern structures, 
is emphatically Spanish. You will see its streets are narrow and 

A 

crooked, and lined on both sides with low, one-story, quaint old 
adobe buildings. The balconies give us the shade that is necessary 
in this warm, sunny climate. The flowery placitas add much to the 
picturesque appearance, and give the place a charm.” 

I spoke up and said, “ I’ll be dumbed if it aint so.” 

“ Everywhere you go, you will see the Spanish origin of the 
town. 

“Lieut. Pike, of Pike’s Peak notoriety, is supposed to be the first 
live, genuine Yankee to visit this city. In 1806 lie run the risk of 
registering his arrival in our hotel, and I waited on him. Forty 
years later General Kearney captured Santa Fe from the Greasers. 
He and his bold soldiers marched to victory without any opposi- 
tion. Not even a pin was pointed toward them by us wicked 
Spaniards. 

“ He built Fort Marcy on this hill top, and we are now sitting 
on its old ruins. 1 brought ) r ou up here so you could get the best 
view of the old city and the surrounding country that can be 
obtained.” 

“ Well, I’m glad )^ou did,” I said. “ You are a dumb good fel- 
low, if you be a Greaser, and know your business first-rate, but ex- 
cuse me for breaking in on your story. You know where you left 
off, don’t you?” 

“ Oh, that is all right ; it don’t bother me any. I am used to 
being interrupted. That is part of my everyday experience. 

“ You see this view overlooks the plateau on which the city is 


368 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’s 


built and the country stretching off toward Old Mexico. Right 
off to the north you notice a range of foot hills, and back of them 
a number of mountain peaks whose summits are covered with per- 
petual snow ; while over there, reaching off southward, are the blue 
Cerrillos. You see they are partially hid by wreaths of clouds 
hanging around their summits. The distance gives them a dim and 


smoky appearance. You will observe that the constant shifting of . 
the clouds produces a succession of lights and shades, and heightens 
the interest in the scene.” 

Clarissa spoke up and said, — 

“ Isn’t it beautiful? I could sit here a month and look at this 
wonderful picture and not grow weary.” I couldn’t help saying— 

“ I’ll bet you’d get goll-dumb hungry before the month would 
be up, and want something to eat. 1 don’t know of but one fellow 
that could set in one place for a whole month and live on shadows, 
and he is a lunatic.” 

“ Who is that ?” asked Juan A-mile-and-a-half-long-name. 

“ Why, I don’t know his right name, but by occupation he was 
a Tanner ; but don’t stop ; go right on with your story.” 

“ Now turn your attention to the city lying at your feet. I 
don’t suppose you care for the modern buildings and improvements, 
but will be more interested in the antique portion of the city.” 

“ Yes, you are just right ; an-ti-que is the thing we are after. 

\ ou can give us all the an-ti-que. I like it pretty well, and Clarissa 
can live on it, almost.” 

“ Benjamin ! ” ejaculated Clarissa. You will notice if you have 
read the book so far, that this is the first time l have used “ejacu- 
lated.” I had it ready to use more’n two weeks ago, but something 
or other happened so that l lost it. I had it writ down on a slip of 
paper and stuck it in my vest pocket, and two or three times when 
I was in San Francisco 1 tried to find that slip of paper, but missed 

it, and just now I went to light a cigar that Juan ’o gave 

me, and. stuck my fingers in my vest pocket, after a match, and 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


369 


pulled out that slip, and for fear I may lose it again, i just put it in 
now. As I started to say, she just ejaculated, “ Benjamin, don’t in- 
terrupt the gentleman ; I am anxious for this description.” 

Mr. Juan ’o proceeded as follows, to-wit: 

“ Those old flat-roofed houses you see along the Santa Fe Creek, 
that little stream that divides the city, are among the first that were 
constructed after Coronado captured the town. You notice the color 
of the children playing around the doors is about the same as the 
houses — dark-brown, bordering on the red. The adobe houses, when 
newly built, are brown, or the same color of the ground ; but age acts 
upon these as it does upon men — it gives them a darker shade, and 
deep furrows are made in their walls by the action of weather and 
time, as wrinkles come upon the aged human being. 

“ The streets are narrow and crooked, winding and twisting 
among the buildings like huge serpents. Over there, a little to the 
right as you are sitting, is the broken facade of San Miguel, the 
oldest church in the United States. It is nearly in its original con- 
dition, barring the inroads of natural decay worn by time. Over 
there stands the Church San Francisco. There is but little of its 
exterior but what is modern, having received a new painted roof 
and new stone walls; but by carefully examining the interior, you 
will discover some of its original make-up. 

“ Out yonder you see the spire of the great Church Guadaloupe. 
There, in the center of the town, is the plaza, or what you folks in 
the East call a common. On that side of the plaza, almost hid by 
the trees, whose rich foliage in spring and summer produces a 
pleasing contrast with the somber, brown walls and yellow, drab 
streets, is the palacio del Gobernador. Now,’ said he, “ we will 
descend, and take a walk through the city.” 

We was loth to leave the spot, as the beauty of the scene seemed 
to speak right out and say, “ Don’t be in a hurry; just lay off your 
things and stay a spell. You can have vour old friends and neigh- 
bors with you back in your Eastern home all the time, but it will be 


370 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


but once in your lifetime that you will, in all probability, visit us.” 
The broad, open country to our left seemed to say, “ Come and see 
us before you go home, and we will do our best to entertain you.” 
The peaks, with their foot-hills, to our right, beckoned to us, and 
seemed to whisper in our ear, “ Don’t forget to come up and stay all 
night with us, before you go home. We will give you lots of good 
fun, catching trout in our crystal streams, and will treat you to ice- 
cream in abundance.” The blue Cerrillos and their snow-capped 
neighbors behind them, who seemed to be disputing with the sky 
above for the possession of the clouds, called to us in imagination, and 
said, “ Don’t fail to come over and stay with us a couple of weeks, 
before you start on your homeward journey. We will show you 
wonders that few in this world know about. We have plenty of 
rare and pretty things locked up where none but our invited guests 
can see them. We will show you the ancient homes of the Cliff 
Dwellers, and let you climb a ladder and sleep in one of the places 
where the grand old Aztec Indian dwelt. We can charm you, if 
you will only come.” 

The historic Rio Grande, that moves majestically toward the 
sea twenty miles west of us, seemed to sing to us in pensive tones, 
“ Come ! come, come, see me.” 

Even the smoke that twirled and circled from hundreds of 
chimneys below us, up into the clear blue vault above, seemed to 
say, “ Stay a little longer, and I will paint you some fancy scenes, 

“ Wreaths, clouds, and castles fair, 

For you I’ll build in the air.” 

But to all these pressing invitations we had to say, “ No, we 

thank you, for old Mr. Juan ’o is waiting for us 

to join him, and he is half-way down the hill now.” After we had 
caught up with him, he says : 

“ Now we will enter the city Santa Fe, or, as the name means 
in your language, Holy Faith, and we will go to the Plaza, passing 
by the Bishop’s Garden on our way.” 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


371 


As we proceeded, every little while he would call our attention 
to this and to that church. I said, “ It looks to me that the Fathers 
that founded this darned old town got awfully stuck on religion, or 
else they was afraid the Devil would steal their young ones, and 
built these churches for places of refuge, should that old cuss with 
big ears and a hot pitchfork attack the place. 1 don’t think the old 
men needed to be afraid of that, for there couldn’t have been money 
enough here in them days to have induced him to raid the place. 
It's money men he’s alter and he gets ’em, too.” 

He asked me what made me think that. 

I told him that I knew it, for I had a personal interview with the 
old cuss up in Virginia City, and he told me all about it. Said he : 
“ I can’t say how that is; but it seems to have been the Spanish 
custom to have plenty of churches. Perhaps their idea was to keep 
the people moneyless, by taking every penny they had to spare, to 
support the priests, thereby removing all temptation for the Devil 
to attack them. I can’t say what the reason is for so many churches 
here; but one thing l can say, and that is this: For over one hun- 
dred vears they got all the money I could save. As fast as 1 could 
get it they called for it, and 1 either had to hand it over to them, or 
go to purgatory when 1 died. But about ten years ago I concluded 
I would take care of my money myself, and run the risk of old pur- 
gatory. I have quit being under the priesthood’s control, and I in- 
tend to run the remainder of my days on my own hook, try and do 
what I know to be right, and do my own thinking.” 

I grabbed the old man by the hand, and gave him a regular old 
New York shake, and said, “ Good for you, young man ; them is my 
sentiments. Stick to ’em, and by golly, I hope you will live to a 
good ripe old age.” 

He was visibly affected by my congratulating him, and said, 
“ Thank you,” and as we was passing a saloon at the time, he further 
remarked, “ Let’s go in and take a drink.” 

Alas! alas! the noble character he had already created for him- 


3/2 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


self in my mind began to drop down to the level of the ordinary 
human being, as I discovered the regulai Chicago taste was formed 
in his gullet. I swelled up with my old-fashioned farmer honesty 
and purity, and in the dignity of a man that has the consciousness 
of knowing he isn’t a dumb hypocrite, and said, “ No, sir; I don’t 
drink, and I don’t like to trot around with them that does.” 

He looked at me with utter amazement, and seemed glued to 
the spot where he stood for five minutes, looking at me from feet 
to head, and back again, and exclaimed, “ Please give me your 
photograph.” 

“ What for?’ I replied. 

'‘Because, for 117 years that I have lived in Holy Faith Town 
I have never known of a stranger coming within our borders that 
didn’t drink something for the ‘stomach’s sake’ and his oft infirmities, 
if not because he loved it, and 1 want your picture to look upon and 
show to my posterity by the woman I expect to marry next July, as 
a living curiosity.” 

Said I, “ When I get home I’ll get some pictures took, and I’ll 
be glad to exchange with you, for I assure you it will be as big a 
curiosity for me and Clarissa and the posterity we have got raised up 
down home, to look upon the picture of a man that is well along in the 
second century of his life who is going to raising posterity, as it will 
be for you to gaze on the picture of an honest, sober, and temperate 
man, that isn’t a Biblical Timothyan hypocrite, always looking, for 
his stomach’s sake, in the bottom of a whisky-glass or beer-mug. 
But, as we are losing time standing here, if it will be any accommo- 
dation to you, I’ll go in and take a glass of ice-cold lemonade, and 
Clarissa can eat a dish of icecream while I am drinking the lemon- 
ade. She is powerful fond of it.” 

We agreed on the picture exchange, got our drinks and ice- 
cream, and proceeded on our way. 

Soon we came to a place inclosed by a high adobe wall, and 
Mr. Juan ’o began — 



EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 373 

“ This is the beauty spot of Santa Fe, the Garden, owned by 
Bishop Lamy.” Gaining admission, we found therein a beautiful 
garden indeed. The guide said, “ The Bishop has labored a great 
many years in making this lovely garden, and you have no idea of 
the amount of purgatory money that has gone into it. Neither 
have 1.” 

We walked all through the grounds, and found them indeed 
delightful. A small fish-pond, beautiful trees and flowers in great 


PALACIO DEL GOBERNADOR. 

abundance, and rustic seats, where we could sit down and look over 
the walls and see the tops of cities over in the sea of sky. 

We went on until we reached the Plaza. Passing on to the 
farther side, we were in front of a long, one-story adobe building, in 
front of which was a wide portico, held up by a number of wooden 
columns. 

“ This,” said Juan, “ is one of the oldest and most important 
structures in our city. It is the Palacio del Gobcrnador , or the Gov- 
ernor’s Palace. 






374 


shams; or, uncle ben’s 


“ We all take a great deal of pride in this old palace, as the his- 
tory of Santa Fe is closely allied with it, and if its walls could give 
up their secrets, stories of pathos and thrilling incident could fill 
many a volume. This was the palace of the Pueblo chiefs, long 
before the Franciscan friars gave the town its present name. The 
Spanish generals issued their orders and proclamations from its 
rooms for nearly three centuries. It is now occupied as an official 
residence by the Territorial Governor.” 

We was indeed interested, alike in his story and in the exam- 
ination of the palace, some rooms of which we entered. 

It was time for us to return to our hotel for supper, and the 
long walk we had taken made us tired and hungry. 

A good meal and an hour’s sitting under the portico in front of 
our hotel rested us. The soft, cool air of evening was very refresh- 
ing. We talked with the landlord considerabl v, and also with a 
number of the business men that was sitting around in front of the 
house. After we went to our room Clarissa and I talked about 
what we had seen. She said it was the strangest place she ever saw. 
Savs she : 

Strange things meet us in nearly every direction we travel. 
Strange incidents seem to pop up in the road right in front of us 
wherever we go; but about the strangest thing we have run across 
in looking around this famous city, musty with age, resembling an old 
coat, tattered, torn, and patched with many-colored cloths, is that old 
palace — -not so strange because of its long and lingering existence, nor 
for its having been the executive mansion of noble Indian chiefs and 
hot-headed Spanish usurpers and rulers, but because the man that 
everybody supposed was over in J udea visiting with the natives of that 
country, while lie was writing the story of the three white camels 
and their riders from three different nations meeting upon the desert 
. on their way to discover the Saviour — Lew Wallace, was secluded 
in one of its dingy rooms while he was writing the interesting story 
of Ben Hur. 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


375 


“Strange, also, is the fact that so great a man as Wallace is 
should play sham by trying to make folks think he was in the Holy 
Land, a-discovering, when he hadn’t left the United States. Now, 
I read that book through last summer, and enjoyed it, and many 
was the time 1 wished 1 could join company with his party in that 
old land of ancient story, and see some genuine Judeans, and enter 
Jerusalem with him, and see those things so sacred because of their 
connection with the New Testament and its principal characters. And 



BLOWING OUT TIIE ELECTRIC LIGHT.. 


now, to come away out here and find out he wasn’t in Jerusalem at 
all, but secluded in this old palace, making up that story, has opened 
to my eyes a new sham. I wonder if any of that New Testament 
was written in such a way?” And she concluded her remarks by 
heaving a heavy sigh upon whose ebb tide were the words, “ Woe 
unto ye, Scribes and Pharisees — Hypocrites.” 

“ May be,” said I, “ he sketched the book over in Palestine and 
polished it off here in this Holy Faith town. Don’t be too severe 
in your remarks on an author; you may be doing him a wrong.” 
“Well,” says she, “ 1 don’t mean to. But 1 am tired; let’s go 
to bed and retire.” 1 agreed to the proposition. 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


37 6 

The bedroom we slept in had a musty smell of old time linger- 
ing about its walls. It was lighted up with new-fashioned light- 
ning, in little glass-covered contrivances, just the same as the Denver 
tavern had, and for the second time 1 got fooled in trying to blow 
it out. After trying to blow all the wind I could muster at it, I hap- 
pened to remember that the Denver porter turned a little brass 
thing to put it out. I found it and turned off the lightning just as 
easy as could be, and got into bed. 

The next morning after breakfast our guide met us in the office, 
readv to take us through the town. I told him we had concluded to 
leave on the noon train, and we couldn’t be out but an hour or two; 
and as we had got a pretty general idea of the place, we would be 
satisfied if he would take us into one of them old, moldy churches. 

“ All right. Then we will go and see Old San Miguel.” 

As we approached it I was not struck to the heart with the idea 
that it was beautiful, in any sense of the word, on the outside. Its 
broad, squatty tower, century-stained, surmounted by a wooden 
cross that time did not intend should remain another century, on 
account of its feebleness, had no pleasing proportions, but the an- 
ti-que-ity of the thing made it look like some old picture. It was 
evidently built for solidity and durability, rather than beauty. 

Our Juan ~’o called our attention to the empty 

belfry, and said, “ In early days, when the church was completed, 
the Spanish parishioners hung a heavy bell there that was cast in 
Mexico in 1356, but the walls being rendered unsafe, the bell was 
removed and placed in a niche that has been made for it within the 
church.” 

We entered through the wide doorway, and as the heavy doors 
swung together behind us, shutting out most of the light, at first 
we felt as though we was in a vault, as we couldn't see very plain, 
but a soft light struggled through the small windows, and assisted 
us to see the interior quite well. 

The room is long and narrow, and the windows are set into 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


377 


deep-cut openings. Jn the further end stands the altar, decorated 
with high-colored ornaments and emblems, and dressed up with a 
whole lot of candlesticks and candles, and a lot of stuff that looked 
as if it had been bought cheap at some second-hand store. 

Right up over the front doorway is the gallery, supported by 
massive beams, on whose brown surface can be seen some carvings 
made by the builders. There is nothing in it of any interest to the 
practical world, and only that crank that is hunting after old, worn- 
out, musty things to put into his collection of an-ti-que-ities, could 
see anything here that he would want to take away with him. 1 

asked Mr. Juan 'o if he knew when this church 

was built. 

Said he, “ It was originally built about the year 1600, when 
Onate was the Governor, but during the Indian revolution, in 
1680, it was mostly destroyed by the enraged Indians, who for 140 
years had been cheated out of their homes and liberty, and there 
was only a small portion of its walls left standing. After the Span- 
iards reconquered the city they rebuilt this church, completing it in 
1710, since which time it has remained undisturbed by aught but 
time.” 

We told Juan that we guessed we had seen about all of this 
old place we had time to, and Clarissa paid him and expressed 
our thanks for his kindness, and asked him to come and visit us after 
he got a little older. He walked back to the hotel with us, and 
after waiting on us very politely, urged us to come again. 

We took the noon train and rolled out of America’s oldest city 
with a feeling of pleasure we had received in going over and 
through it. It was a chapter in geography and history that neither 
one of us had ever studied in school, and one we shall always 
remember. 

Whether in point of greatness Santa Fe will have a future his- 
tory that will compare with the past, remains to be seen, and we 
will let it remain, while we take our homeward journey. 


378 


SIIAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


We was told that we would not do New Mexico nor ourselves 
justice if we did not stop at the celebrated Las Vegas, and take a 
bath in the hot springs. So, when the train stopped for sup- 
per, I told the conductor we would stop there a day. He fixed our 
tickets for us, and we took a ’bus for the Phoenix Hotel, where we 
staid all night. We had a fine private bedroom. The bed was so 
soft and springy, the air so cool and delightful, we had a rest and 
sleep that thousands (locked up in prisons) would have given a 
good deal to have enjoyed. Clarissa said she dreamed of God’s 
Garden — and she saw me and her and the driver standing a-looking 
at that Balanced Rock. She tried to find her CLA but couldn’t 
see it, and while the driver was pointing it out to her, she woke up. 
I am glad we stopped there, as it gave us a good opportunity to 
see another of Nature’s beauty-spots. The hotel is a magnificent 
building, put up for man’s comfort. While in its outside and 
inside appearance it is handsome and grand, in its construction 
the comfort and happiness of its guests was not for a single moment 
lost sight of. In every detail the ease and pleasure of its custom- 
ers was studied. The location could not have been excelled if they 
had sent old Coronado with his exploring party all over the world 
hunting a spot for it, for here is a beautiful dell, surrounded on three 
sides by mountains, and its other side open toward the broad mead- 
ows, where, six miles distant, is the town of Las Vegas. It enjoys 
a lovely climate and ever-changing scenery. Everlasting freshness 
meets the eye, and all the variety one can ask for. The sparkling 
waters of the Gallinas River tumble along at a short distance from 
the hotel, while the most delightful wash-water is furnished at any 
temperature desired in the wonderful springs, whose waters have, 
no doubt, been boiling and bubbling up for ages past, and will con- 
tinue to bubble and boil long after Clarissa and I, and a few other 
good souls, have gone to join the angels. 

We took a bath in the springs, and, for making a fellow feel 
first-rate and getting him real clean, it beats all the places we have 


come across. 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


379 


I said to Clarissa, “ We have got Las Vegas, and mighty good 
ones, on our old farm in Morganville, and we have got the Gallinas 
River, and I wish we had these hot springs there. If we had, I’d 
open up a summer resort, and see it' we couldn’t make a lot of 
money, as well as some other sharp folks.” 

“ How do you make that out, Benjamin?” said she. “ I’d like 



BALANCED ROCK. 


to know where we’ve got Las Vegas and Gallinas River on the old 

o o 

farm !" 

“ Well,” said 1, “ we have the meadows, haven’t we ? and migh- 
ty fine ones, too.’’ 

“ Yes, that is so.” 

“ Well, that is what Las Vegas means — the meadows, and we 
have got old Hen Creek, running down through the west pasture, 
haint we?” 


380 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


“ Yes, to be sure,” she said. 

“ Well,” said I, “that is a Gallinas River, for that’s what it 
means in United States language.” 

“How did you find that out, I’d like to know?” 

#< Just the way I find out most everything — by asking what they 
meant. I asked that young Greaser that scrubbed me in the bath- 
house about it, and he told me that them was the meanings of the 
terms.” 

Clarissa wanted to stay here another day, but said she couldn’t 
afford it as they wanted a small farm for keeping us a very short time, 
so we bid The Meadows and Hen Creek good-by, and took the Atchi- 
son, Topeka & Santa Fe Railroad for Kansas City, the nineteenth 
marvel of the nineteenth century, where we arrived after passing 
through the magnificent State of rich prairie farms, with their won- 
derful improvements, and splendid schoolhouses — Kansas. 

I would like to have stopped at a dozen places in this glorious 
State, renowned lor its struggles for existence without the dark 
stains of human slavery blemishing its rich soil, but I hadn’t got 
the time. 

Kansas City is one of the wonders of the age. It is wonderful 
for its push and go-aheadativeness, but its greatest wonder consists 
in its wanting the whole earth and claiming over half of it. We met 
several fellows there that could beat the Omaha gentlemen for tall 
stories about its future prospects, but we didn’t meet any one there 
that was deaf and dumb; we asked several if there was any such a 
person there, and was informed that there was not one in the city. 
1 told Clarissa that it was a downright pity that the Almighty had 
failed to bless Kansas City with one. What the city would come 
to, nobody could tell. 

We was entertained one day by the Mayor and the leading men, 
and we found that while they was all good fellows, so far as we 
could see, they wasall dreadfully troubled with the same complaint. 
— See reference to the Omahaians that boarded our car at their city. 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


381 

I wouldn t be surprised to hear at almost any time that the sun had 
quit getting- up in the east in the morning, but would hereafter 
rise in Kansas City and set in Omaha. Well, I believe them is the 
kind of fellows to make business, and develop all there is in a coun- 
try. I wish we had some of them down in The Village. As lone as 
we have got to have more or less hypocrites, we had better have 
live ones that have got snap and vim in ’em— that will do other 
folks good by giving life and prosperity to a country, than a lot of 
old close-fisted, penurious, never-dying ones, that will hang on to 
all they have got, and never give anybody else a chance. 

While in Kansas City 1 discovered a new scheme, a scheme that 
would just suit Jim Teeters. I wanted to get an idea of what 
property was worth. So I went into a real estate dealer’s office and 
putting on the appearance of a man that had got more money than 
he knew what to do with, asked him if he had got any good corner 
lots to sell. 

“ Oh, yes sir. I’ve got some that will just suit you. If you’ll 
wait five minutes, I’ll have my private carriage brought around and 
will take you over the city and show you a number of very desira- 
ble lots, any one of which you can double your money on in sixty 
days, at the rate our city is growing. Please excuse me a moment, 
while I order my porter to bring up my carriage.” 

“ Oh, certainly,” said I. “ You go on and get your horse and 
don’t mind me ; I’ll wait right here, and see that they don't anybody 
carry anything off.” 

He slipped out into the next door which was in a barber shop 
separated from his office bv a thin board partition, and I heard the 
following conversation ; 

“ Tom, will you go down to Jim’s livery stable, and tell him I 
want a good horse and buggy right away, and you bring it up, 
will you ? ’’ 

“ Yes, boss; but de last time 1 was down there after a hoss for 
you, he said dat was de last one he was goin’ to let you hab, until 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


382 

you paid up, and I spoze he wont let me bring one up — but I'll go 
and see.” 

“ Well, you just tell Jim that 1 have struck a soft snap ; that I’ve 
got a rich old farmer that I want to show through the city, and I 
think I can sell him half-a-dozen lots ; tell Jim l will try to sell that 
old hole in the ground, that he calls a residence lot — the one he 
got off from Bob Green in a game of poker, and which haint worth 
twenty-five dollars — to the old man, and if I strike him for a deal, 
I'll come right down and pay him up. Just say to Jim forme that my 
business has been very dull for a month past ; that during that time 
1 haven’t sold a single piece of property, but I have got a good 
many prospects, and now I’ve got a soft looking old farmer that is 
no doubt rich, in the office, and l can stuff him the same way we 
stuff everybody that comes here, with K. C.’s wonderful future, 
and I will sell him some lots, sure.” 

“ Yes, boss ; I'll go.” 

“ Well. Say, Tom, when you drive up to the door, you please 
act just as though you was my porter, for I want the old man to 
think 1 am away up. You know a big impression helps business.” 

“ Yes-sah ; I spose it do. Well, all right, boss ; I’ll be dar in a 
few minutes.” 

The gentleman returned to the office with an air on to his coun- 
tenance of business importance, as much as to say — I am the 
heaviest real estate man in the city,” and sitting down in his spring 
cushioned, whirl-around chair at his desk, he pulled out a drawer 
and took out of it a box of cigars, and passed them to me and very 
politely said, “ Please take a cigar.” 1 don’t smoke very often, but 
on this occasion I thought I would. 

He drew his chair up near mine and in a very confidential way, 
laid bare the tremendous city this place would be within the next 
ten years ; that its million of inhabitants would require so many hun- 
dreds of railroads to convey them to and fro. “ And, sir,” said he, 
“ every lot within fifteen miles in either direction from where we 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


3^3 


are sitting, will be gobbled up in less than six months from now, 
and if you want to invest some money where you can clear 500 per 
cent, profit in less than a year, I can take you to some pieces of prop- 
erty that you can buy, where you can make that much, easy.” 

“ By George ! You don’t say so? ” I exclaimed in surprise. 

“ Yes, but i do say so, and more than that, I can take you 
where you can buy a couple of lots that by holding on to ’em four 
or five years will make you a millionaire.” 

“ H ow in thunder is that? ” I asked. 

“Why, the capitol of the State is going to be moved here 
within that time, and they will have to have those two lots to rest 
one of its wings on,” he replied. 

“ Look here !” said I. You don’t pretend to tell me that the 
capitol of the great State of Missouri has got wings, and flies 
around from one place to another, do you ?” 

“Yes ; she has wings, and she is bound to leave Jefferson City, 
and she will roost right down bv these two lots, sure. Then don’t 
you see they'll have to have ’em, and you can put your own price 
on them ?” 

“ Yes,” said I. “ How is business with you? Are you selling 
a good many lots ? ” 

“Well, I should smile,” said he. “ Why it’s simply marvelous, 
the amount of business I am doing. I average about a hundred 
sales a day. Some days my office is just crowded, and I can't get 
around to wait on them all. It is a little quiet just now, but it will 
give us a good chance to go out, and here is my carriage at the 
door.” 

We stepped into the buggy and drove off. As we rode over 
hills and through hollows, shaded by an overhanging cliff on our 
right, while on our left was a yawning chasm one moment, and the 
next crossing a street that seemed to be running down a ravine, I 
said, quietly : “You have a very fine horse and buggy ; it rides mighty 
easy. How much do they charge you a day for such a rig here? 


3 8 4 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


“ I don’t know how much they would charge for such a turn- 
out. You see I own this rig. I have several more ; I have to have 
them in my business to take our customers over the city with. I 
presume that I have five or six out this morning with my clerks, 
showing property to customers.” 

By this time we stopped at a corner where there was a deep hole 
in the ground, about thirty feet wide by one hundred and twenty 
feet deep, and right next to it, a monstrous high hill. 

“Now, look at those two lots,” said he. “ There is a fortune for 
you. That corner lot belongs to a poor livery stable man in town. 
He took it of a man that was unfortunate in a little speculation, and 
as he needs some money pretty bad, he will sell that lot dirt cheap.” 
“ Why,” said I, “you don’t call that hole in the ground a lot, 
do you ? ” 

“ My dear sir, that is one of the most desirable lots in the city. 
You see you have got your cellar dug already. You lay the found- 
ation of your house right on top of the ground, and the man that 
owns that high lot next to you will give you fifty cents a load for the 
privilege of shoveling his hill into your lot, and fill it all up even 
to grade.” 

“ By C xeorge ! 1 never thought of that. It looks reasonable, 

though, don’t it? How much do you ask for it?” 

“ I can sell you that lot, if you should conclude to take it before 
two o’clock this P. M. — the hour when the Real Estate Exchange 
meets — for $400 a front foot, but at that hour it is liable to go up 
another hundred dollars a foot.” 

“ That is very cheap, I must confess, but I don’t believe l want 
it. I would rather have the lot next to it. How much can that be 
got for?” I inquired. 

“ W ell, the man that owns that lot, holds it at $450 a foot.” 
“Whew! How’s that?” 

“ Why, he says that the man that owns this low corner lot will 
give him a dollar a load for his hill to fill up his lot with, and the 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 385 

dirt that he can sell in getting his lot down to grade will more 
than pay for it.” 

I could not help saying, “ By Gosh ! ” and I asked him if them 
two lots was a fair specimen of the balance he had to sell. 

He said they was about a fair average. 

I was taken with a violent swimming in my head, and asked 
him if he would please drive me to m)^ hotel. He saw I was as 
white in the face as a ghost, and took me to the hotel in quick time. 

He wanted to know when he could call for me. 

I told him not until I had recovered from the first attack. 

Of all the doses of rank, genuine hypocrisy that I have swal- 
lowed since I left home, this was the worst, and I told Clarissa that 
it wasn’t safe to stay in Kansas City any longer, for if we did, I 
should be prostrated on a bed of sickness. So we took the even- 
ing train, and the next morning arrived in Chicago’s great rival 
city, that stretches its busy arms up and down the meandering Mis- 
sissippi, while its monstrous body lays back from Sippi’s western 
bank. 


3 86 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


CHAPTER XXXV. 

» HILE we was in Chicago we got the impression from 
1 remarks we frequently heard, and from items we occasion- 
• ■ ally ran across in their papers, that St. Louis had in former 
days been a thriving, active small city, but that in the race for busi- 
ness and influence with the great Chicago it had been completely 
distanced, and consequently had become discouraged, and had laid 
down, fatigued, and gone to sleep, content with being numbered 
with the great things of the past. Therefore, we was expecting to 
see a city of quiet peacefulness, whose large buildings were closed, 
and upon whose walls we would see posted, “ Hands Off. Don’t 
mar these premises, or carry off any splinters for relics,” and other 
indications of sacred silence that usually reigns in abandoned and 
dead cities and towns. 

But we was perfectly surprised, when we rode through the 
streets from the depot to the Southern Hotel, to find all the activity 
and stir there was in Chicago. There was not quite so much rush 
and bustle , but there was an air of determination resting on the faces 
of the men we met and passed on the streets, that seemed to say, 
“ We are getting there all the same, if we don’t make so much fuss 
about it.” 

At the Southern we was treated first-rate, and everything was 
done to make us feel at home that could be done. They gave us 
their best spare bedroom, with a bathroom opening out of it, and 
they took special pains to introduce us to several distinguished per- 
sons that was there; among the rest was the mayor of the city. 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


387 


He was a perfect gentleman, and was very polite, especially to Clar- 
issa. He invited us to take a ride with him in his own private car* 
riage. We was just as polite to him as we knew how to be, and 
told him we was dreadful glad to go riding with him. 

While he was having the carriage hitched up and brought up 
to the hotel, I went and got a store shave — the first one I ever had, 
for I always shave myself— and got a nigger to black my boots, 
while Clarissa changed her dress and put on her crow-grain black 
silk, so both of us would look real slick and nice. 

The carriage had arrived at the front door, and the mayor was 
waiting for us. As we stepped into the elegant carriage I noticed 
his driver, like Mayor Harrison’s, had on a mourning hat-band. 

They took us all over the city, and out to Mr. Shaw’s garden. 
We was surprised almost every minute, for, instead of a dead or 
abandoned city, we found a great city, chuck-full of enterprise 
and business, while in the residence portions we found an air of old- 
fashioned comfort, solidity combined with beauty, that was far ahead 
of Chicago, and Mr. Shaw’s garden was perfectly beautiful. Clarissa 
said she would like to live in that garden for a month. She is pas- 
sionately fond of posies. 

We drove across the pride and glory of the city — her wonder- 
ful bridge — and had a good look at Old Mississippi. The steamboats 
that lined the bank of the river told the story of her wonderful ad- 
vantage in reaching the towns up and down the river, that Chicago 
did not possess. The ride was highly instructive, as well as 
pleasant. 

On our way back to the hotel Clarissa and I and the mayor got 
quite well acquainted. He went on for a long time, telling us about 
the advantages St. Louis possessed over Chicago. I asked him if 
he thought that St. Louis would in course of time be as large and 
important a city as Chicago was at present. “Of course,” said I, 
“it will never catch up with it, for while your city is growing, Chi- 
cago is jumping right ahead all the time.” 


338 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


He said, “ Of course it will. While Chicago is a little ahead 
of us in population, and outstrips us in braggadocio and flapdoodle, 
we are far ahead of her in solid wealth. Our city is prosperous, 
and its inhabitants own their places of business, and their homes 
are paid for, and not plastered all over with mortgages, as two- 
thirds of the Chicago houses and homes are.” I saw there was a 
spirit of envy sticking out of both ends of his remarks. I spoke up, 
and said : 

“ Isn’t it an indication of the prosperity and growth of a city, 
when it is able to borrow all the money it needs on the security of its 
property? Men of means don’t very often loan money to dead 
folks and take mortgages on their corpses, do they?” 

“ I want you to understand that St. Louis aint dead, by any 
means,” said he, in a little huffy tone. 

“ I beg your pardon. I did not say she was, — and by the way 
she kicks whenever the word Chicago is mentioned, I know she haint 
dead, nor did I even think she was; but I spoke as I did to show that 
if Chicago has got some mortgage porous plasters on her back, she 
is an all-fired smart city, and the business men are making money 
there, and your folks hadn’t ought to be so sensitive whenever there 
is any mention made of the eighth wonder of the world.” 

The mayor didn’t like my remarks, which I could plainly see, 
and I said, “ If you won’t get offended at my suggestion, I think I 
can put you on the track of rapidly improving your city, and ulti- 
mately make it go away ahead of Chicago.” 

He brightened up, and said, “ Certainly not. I shall be very 
happy to receive any suggestions you have to offer.” 

“Well, then,” said I, “you just enter into an arrangement with 
Carter Harrison, of Chicago, to give you some pointers, and if he 
will, and he is not elected mayor this term, he can put you on the 
right road to success.” 

“Well! well! well! what makes you think so?” 

“ Think so? think so?” said I. “There is no think about it. I 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


389 


know so, for he told Clarissa and I both that he took hold of Chi- 
cago when it was a small city of a couple hundred thousand, and 
since he had run it as its mayor he had brought it up to nearly 800,- 
000. Why! it’s perfectly marvelous what that man can do. You 
just take my advice, and write to Carter in regard to it." 

He said he would think about it. 

By this time we had arrived at the hotel. We thanked him for 
his kind attention, and invited him to come with his family and visit 
us some time, which he agreed to do. After dinner I went to pay 
my bill, and the landlord wouldn’t take a cent. He said he had 
noticed our visit in Chicago, and he felt it as much of an honor to 
him to entertain us as it was to Mr. Palmer. 

After expressions of gratitude, and extending him a pressing 
invitation to visit us, we bid him good-by, and took the Chicago & 
Alton train for Chicago. 


39 ° 


SHAMS ; OK, UNCLE BEN’S 


CHAPTER XXXVI. 

E arrived in Chicago Friday morning, and went to the Pal- 
mer House. Everything seemed to be alive and stirring. 
The rustle, bustle, rattle, roar, bang and jam on every side 
seemed about as it did on our former visit. They was glad to see 
us back again at the tavern, or at least they said so, and of course, 
tavern-keepers and their clerks never say anything they don’t 
mean. I thanked them, and said I was glad to return. 

Everything around this great palace seemed quite natural. 
The same general rush in the office, the same mixture of different 
nationalities, the majority being the descendants of the dwellers in 
the Holy Land, who seemed to have an eye open to the main chance, 
the same lot of country merchants, stockmen, and farmers, and the 
same crowd of swells and dudes, with their one blind eyeglass and cane. 
And among the general crowd I saw the tall, lean, lank, hawkeyed, 
cadaverous cuss that belongs to the reportorial staff (as he calls it) 
of the Chicago Tribune . I made up my mind I would avoid him if 
possible, and so I started for my room, and proceeded up the grand 
stairway. I had only got up to the first broad stair, when that cuss, 
with a hop, jump and three steps, landed beside me, and with ex- 
tended hand and a horrible grin, said, “ How are you, Mr. Morgan? 
Glad to see you! When did you return? I’d like to have a little 
interview with you, if you can spare me a little of your time.” 

If you ever had a bare spot on top of your head when you 
have been sitting on the bank of a river under the shade of a tree in 
the summer, with your hat off, holding a fishpole in your hand, wait- 



EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


391 


ing an hour or so for some innocent fool of a fish to invite you to 
pull him in out of the wet, and realized the peculiar sensation of 
having the tallest skeeter in the woods light on the clearing in your 
locks and sink a shaft for blood, you can imagine my feelings just at 
that moment. I turned to the town tattler, and in the language of 
Mr. Harrison, said, “ I won’t be interviewed ; I don’t want to be in- 
terviewed, and dumb me, if I will be interviewed. I haint got noth- 
ing to tell; I don’t want to tell nothing, and dumb me, if I will tell 



nothing. I don’t want to be lied about, and dumb me, if I will be 
lied about. I am an honest and upright man; I always was an hon- 
est and upright man, and dumb me, I am always going to be an 
honest and upright man. I am Chicago’s best mayor, and dumb 
me, I always will be Chicago’s best mayor — No ! no ! Excuse me. 
That last remark didn’t apply to me. I was thinking about what 
he told me, and wasn’t thinking what I was saying. No, I haint, 
nor never will be, mayor of this city. I haint been to breakfast yet, 
and haint got time to be interviewed, so good-morning.” I went 


39 2 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


up-stairs, and left him on the broad stair in front of the big look- 
ing-glass. He had a pencil and paper in his hand, and was scratch- 
ing like a hen after grubs. 

We went into the grand dining room for breakfast. Everything 
looked as usual, except they had got a new picture over one of the 
doors. It was off to my left side, and I said to Clarissa : 

“ Do you see that big picture over there? It’s awful nice.” 

“ Where, Benjamin ? I don’t see it.” 

* “ Why, right over there,” and I pointed it out with my fork, 
and she pinched me. 

Said I, “ What’s that for ; what have I done now?” 

“ I thought I told you, when we was here before, that your fork 
was made to eat with, and not be jabbing things with it,” said she. 

After breakfast Clarissa and I went down to the mayor's office, 
to see Mr. Harrison. We was surprised when we was informed 
that Mr. Harrison wasn’t the mayor any longer. That the people 
had decided at its recent election not to take any more of his valua- 
ble time and cause him any more trouble in running the city gov- 
ernment, and had elected one of the common people, Mr. Roche, for 
mayor, and at present Mr. Harrison was out of a job. If lightning 
had struck the city and shattered it from one end to the other, I 
wouldn't have been more thunderstruck. 

1 asked a young man in the office where we would find Mr. 
H arrison. He said he didn’t know. I asked him if he could direct 
me to Mike McDonald's place of business. He said he could, and 
after getting our directions we bid him good-by, and went over to 
Mr. McDonald’s place on Clark Street. 

We found that gentleman, and after introducing ourselves, told 
him who we was and what we wanted. He was very pleasant, and 
invited us into his private room. After we was seated he said, “ I 
have heard Carter speak of you often, and I know he will be glad to 
see you. At present you'll find him at home — he is not feeling well. 
The facts are these: He wanted to be mayor of the city, and thought 



POINTING OUT WITH MY FORK THE MOST INTERESTING POINTS. 


393 















EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


395 


the best way to make sure of it was to announce in the papers that 
he would under no circumstances run for the office ; that by doing 
so the people would run after him in a mass, and make him the 
mayor in spite of his assumed objections ; and in case they did, he 
could do as he pleased, just as he always has done. But the 
dumb fools of people thought he was honest, and meant what he 
said, and they wouldn’t — and they didn’t elect him, but, on the contra- 
ry, they went to work and ignored all of his suggestions, and elected 
one of the common men, Roche, by the biggest majority that was 
ever given to any mayor ever elected in the city When Carter 
saw the people had misconstrued his real meaning, and took him at 
his word, he tried to get them to elect a highly respectable anarchist ; 
but the people hadn’t got over thinking about a little trouble the city 
had with the anarchists last spring, and they didn’t comply with 
Carter’s desire, and he has been so mad about the way things have 
gone that he won’t come down town any more, only when he is 
obliged to, and when he does, he is hounded to death by them 
reporters.” 

Clarissa spoke up, and with a sigh, said : “ Well, I’m awful sorry 
for Mr. Harrison, for he is such a good man.” 

“Yes, so am I,” said Mr. McDonald; “ I am sorry, but I, and 
four or five of his old chums, drive out to see him most every even- 
ing and cheer him up with a few games. The fact is, the city has 
drifted into the hands of a lot of cranks, and they have got every 

paper in the city under their influence, and they are just playing 

with the best men we have got. They have gone to work and got 
all of the old commissioners, and some of the best men we have, in- 
dicted for swindling the county and stealing, and a whole lot of other 

nonsense, and now they are going to send them to the State’s 

Prison, if they can hire enough liars to prove their charges. 

Now, there is Dan Wren. Everybody knows that he is the very 
soul of honor. If he ever gets beat, he pays up like a man. They 
have a dozen or more crimes charged against him. And Van Pelt, 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


39 5 

who wouldn’t think of doing a wrong — they’ve got him with the rest. 

And then, to cap the whole scheme, they got the chairman of 

the board, Mr. Klehm, indicted on the contemptible charge of steal- 
ing $5,000 out of the bottom of a well down to the Insane Asylum. 
That is the dirtiest part of the cranks’ work. You see, it was just 
like this: You know crazy folks drink a pile of water. If they 
drank good old whisky and beer, they wouldn’t be crazy, and they 
had to have a new well down there, and of course, they wanted a 
big one. Now, Klehm was working for the interests of the county, 
and watched everything, and saw that the county got the lowest 
prices on everything, and that nothing was stole. So, when the well 
was to be dug, he let the contract to the LOWEST bidder, of course. 
So he let the job to a feller for 80 cents a foot for the first 300 feet, 
and for every additional 300 feet a large increase ; and when below 
2,000 feet, it was to be $4.50 a foot. When the well was done, 
Klehm went out and measured it with his own weight and line, and 
when the weight struck bottom, it broke loose from the line ; but he 
measured the line, and it was about 2,500 feet deep.” 

“ Oh, what an awful deep well! ” said Clarissa. 

“Yes, it is; but you must understand, madam, that they are 
awful crazy out there, and drink lots of water. Well, when this crank 
jury was hauling the commissioners over, they thought the well was 
too deep; so the fools all went out there and got Furthmann to measure 
it, and he went down and measured every foot till he got to the bot- 
tom, where he found Klehm’s weight, and brought it up with him. 
He said the well was just 1,500 feet deep. And now they want to 
raise the devil with Klehm, and send him to the pen, just because 
he made a mistake in measuring that crazy-house well, of a thousand 
feet. Don’t you see what a mean, pusillanimous piece of work that is ? 
And just so with all the rest of the commissioners. They are being 
persecuted by these cranks for some little, trivial mistakes or over- 
sights. Why, the}' have got my little brother, Eddie, who was a poor, 
hard-working engineer out at the Cook County Hospital, indicted 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


397 


for stealing', on some trumped up lies, and poor Eddie feels so 

sick that he can’t say his prayers before he gets into bed in his cool, 
cool cell. And they indicted Eddie’s old playmate, Billy McGar- 
rigle, for being an honest warden, and have locked the boys up in 

• y y 

Jcill. 

“Oh, oh ! what a pity ! ” said Clarissa. 

“ Yes, it is a pity,” said Mike. “ You see, condemn it, it breaks 
up all our arrangements. It breaks up our Sunday-school class, 
and all the nice picnics we had arranged for this coming summer 
are knocked into a cocked hat by these infernal old cranks. I tell 
you what it is, I’d rather live in Canada any time, and if I could get 
the boys together without being watched, we’d all move over there; 

but there it is, it, these cranks are right onto us all the 

time, and we can’t breathe but they’ve got a detective on the spot to 
catch the lost breath. I am getting disgusted with the city, any way, 
and I am going to move out, if it goes on this way much longer. We 
can’t act as we would if they would let us alone. As it is, we are 
forced into a position of hypocrisy which is contrary to our natures, 
as every one knows that knows us.” 

Clarissa heaved several sighs, and expressed her sorrow for the 
persecuted good men of Chicago. 

As we left his place, and returned to the Palmer for dinner, I 
said to Clarissa that she had better keep her briny tears corked up 
until we heard the dear people’s side of the case. Although I know 
I am chuck-full of shortcomings, yet there is one thing I have al- 
ways stuck to, and that is to never turn myself loose until I have 
heard both sides of a story. 

We had been so busy traveling and seeing sights ever since we 
left Chicago for the W est, that I had not read very much in the 
newspapers, so I was ignorant of what had been going on in the city 
while we was gone ; but Clarissa had finished reading her book, 
and when we went to our room, after dinner, she guessed that Mr. 
Harrison had anticipated his defeat, as thd book, “ Shadows of the 


393 


shams; or, uncle ben’s 


Future,” was a kind of prophecy pointing to such a result in the 
coming election. She was sorry for him, as he was such a great man. 

“ Well,” says she, “ we’ll do our duty, and go to his house this 
afternoon and see him, and console with him. I know that when 
folks are in trouble, and are passing under the dark cloud of afflic- 
tion, they need the sympathy of all their friends and neighbors, and 
it is the duty of all their friends and neighbors to call on them, and 
tell them how sorry they are for them.” 

We went out to Mr. Harrison’s house, and rung the door bell. 
The same servant girl that was there when we was at his house be- 
fore came to the door, and says, “ Och ! and ye bees the Morganses 
as was here last winter, and would ye be after wantin’ to see the 
boss?” Clarissa told her that we came to call on him. “ Well, thin, 
I'll be axin’ him if he wants to see ye,” and off she went, and in a 
few minutes he came to the door, and in his pleasant manner invited 
us into the parlor. 

He had changed considerable, and looked much poorer than be- 
fore. He said he was glad to see us, and Clarissa told him she was 
glad to see him, but was awful sorry to see him looking so poor. 
Says she, “ I presume it is wearing on you to be disappointed so.” 
Said he, “ What do you mean by being disappointed ?” 

“ Why, in not being elected mayor of the city,” she replied. 

“Oh! no, that isn’t wearing on me a mite,” said he, “ but to 
think that Chicago has got to get along with a mayor that hasn’t had 
any experience, and is liable at any minute to ruin the city, worries 
me a great deal, and I can’t bear the thought that all the good men 
I have put into different official positions, and have spent so much 
time in drilling, so they would do any and everything I told them to 
do, should be turned out, without a dollar in their pockets, and noth- 
ing to do for an honest living.” 

Clarissa said, as the tears began to wet the left side of her nose — 
(there is something peculiar about Clarissa — she can’t cry out of 
only one eye), “ Mr. Harrison, you are too great and noble a man to 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


399 


sacrifice yourself for the benefit of such an ungrateful city. Why 
don’t you go to St. Louis and be mayor for that city? They need 
you there !” 

“ Thank you, Mrs. Morgan, for your kind remarks and your 
advice. I cannot possibly think of being mayor of any city again, 
as I intend to sail for Europe very soon,” he responded. 

We had a very pleasant visit, considering the gloomy conversa- 
tion, for about two hours, when we bid him good-by, and returned 
to our hotel. 

It may be just possible that Chicago may survive the terrible 
blow of losing its able Carter and its county commissioners. She 
survived the greatest fire that ever warmed any city in the world, 
and in time, I think she will survive this calamity. 


400 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN'S 


CHAPTER XXXVII. 

E remained in Chicago but a few days this time, as we was 
anxious to get home. I wish I had time. to tell the many 
experiences I had with a host of smooth, highly polished 
and genteel hypocrites. I met them under the guise of merchants, 
unfortunate capitalists, heirs of great expectations, but temporarily 
laborin’ under a “ Col. Sellers” misfortune of bein’ financially em- 
barrassed, missionaries, ministers (that the Lord has no further use 
for), obliging gentlemen, ready to show a stranger golden opportu- 
nities for making a fortune, and a hundred other characters, all 
seeking one common end, the bottom end of my pocket — but I have 
not, as the bus is waiting at the door, to take us to the L. S. & M. 
S. R. R. depot, where we take the train for Syracuse. So, good-by 
to Chicago, the great city of activity, filled with great and good 
men, who tower like a Pike’s Peak above the common mass, and an 
immense host of hypocrites, who like worms, and snakes, crawl all 
through it, working their way into every phase of its life. 

We left the city on the morning train, and reached Syracuse 
the next day about noon. Mrs. Buzzbee and her husband met us at 
the depot, and we went to their house and staid over night with them. 
The evening passed off so quickly at the house, that before we was 
aware of it it was midnight. Mr. B. said, “ Uncle Ben, how do you 
and the hypocrites get along? have you reformed them all?” To 
which I replied, “No! I’ve given up the job. I thought we had a 
few up in our neighborhood, but they haint a fly speck compared 
with what we’ve met. It’s no use, Mr. Buzzbee; to reform one is plant- 



EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


401 


ing the seeds for a hundred ; it’s like killing one skeeter in the 
woods — his body seems to turn into a dozen more. And then there 
is something so catching about that moral disease, hypocrisy, that 
while you are trying to reform others that are afflicted with it, you 
are liable to have an attack of it yourself, and when a professional 
reformer catches it, it goes awful hard with him, and like leprosy, 
he never recovers from it. You take these great political reformers, 
temperance reformers, railroad tariff reformers, financial reformers 
and even religious reformers, and you’ll find that most of ’em get a 
dreadful severe attack of it. So I’ve concluded not to undertake 
the job, but to go home to the old farm, and with Clarissa do my 
duty as I understand it ; be honest and content with what I have, 
and try to make Clarissa happy as long as we live, and leave the 
job of correctin' the evil practices of human men in the hands of 
the great Engineer of the universe, who has His hand upon the 
lever and can reverse action and shut off steam, whenever, in his 
judgment, it is necessary. He has done it all along the past. His- 
tory is but a description of the mysterious workings of the great 
spiritual engine moving under the guidance of His hand and will.” 

When I had finished, Mr. B. and his wife both spoke up with 
an air of surprise pervadin’ every lineament of their countenance, 
and said, “ Well, Mr. Morgan, you have changed considerable 
since you left here on this trip. You talk as though you had been 
to college, studying.” 

Clarissa spoke up and said, “ Yes, Benjamin has improved con- 
siderable. When we first started out, I done most of the talkin’, 
and now he does most of it, but he has taken a good many lessons. 
His first lesson was here in Syracuse ; his next was on the train 
from Buffalo to Cleveland ; then again at Chicago, and again in 
Virginia City, and then in San Francisco, and all along. I’m glad 
on’t. Our trip has cost us lots of money, but it has been a good 
school to both of us, and we could, in no other way, have learned 
so much, to say nothing about the pleasure we have had for the 


26 


402 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


same amount of money, as we have by the swindling scheme of 
Ketchem, Holdem, Skinem & Co., in running their great transcon- 
tinental excursion.” ! 

The next day 1 met the last year’s mayor at Buzzbee’s store, 
the same one I met in the club room when I was here before. 
He was the same polite gentleman he was then, and was very nice 
to me. I begged his pardon for the abrupt remarks I made when 
in their clubroom last November. I told him I had just left the 


c farm and was totally ignorant of the ways of the world, and at that 



“nothin’ stronger than lemonade and cigars.” 


time supposed that shamming and hypocrisy was an occasional ex- 
ception to the general rule, but I had, during my travels, learned 
that it is the general rule ; that it is quite fashionable to sham, and 
I was and still continue to be out of fashion ; but I did not intend, 
in the future, to be a fool by blurtin’ out my prejudiced notion of 
things, and hurting others' feelings without doing any good. He 
said I was fully pardoned, and he had not thought ill of me, for he 
knew I was honest, but had not seen the world as it is. His remarks 
was true. 

We arrived at the village at five P. M. We was met at the depot 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


( 


403 

by Eb and Mary, and Abe and Lily, and a whole lot of our old 
neighbors, all glad to see us home again. And we was glad to see 
them. They had hired the village brass band to escort us from the 
depot up into The Village, and as we walked up the sidewalk, the 
band marched ahead of us with a big banner in front of ’em, say- 
ing ; “ This way to the Fat Cattle Show /” 

Of course we had to take it, and I had to stand treat for the 
whole town. “ Nothin’ stronger than lemonade and cigars,” said I, 

v. 

when we arrived at Ebenezer’s store. Eb made a barrel of lemon- 
ade, and set out 500 cigars to the crowd. Zolliver Ramsdell stood 
on the steps in front of the store and delivered a speech of welcome, 
to which I had to respond. Whether it was the speech of Zolliver 
or my speech, or the cigars and lemonade that kept the whole vil- 
lage there in a jam for more’n two hours, I can’t say, but it was mid- 
night before they all left, and Clarissa and I retired to Ebenezer and 
Mary Plunket’s private spare bedroom, to blissful repose, which we 
stood in need of. 

When we come out to breakfast n the morning, Ebenezer 

* 

handed me a lot of letters. The first one I opened was from Squire 
Bigler, containing his Cattle Scheme, Showing a statement of the 

V 

concern he had organized. He had his picture in the center of it 
representing him in the act of making a speech. Here it is, just as 
he had it printed : 

COLORADO CATTLE COMPANY. 

This Company was organized under the laws of the State of Colorado for the purpose 
of buying, raising, shipping angl selling cattle and other live stock, and for the purpose of 
buying and owning grazing land in said State. 

The capital stock is One Million Dollars, divided into ten thousand shares of 
the par value of One Hundred Dollars each, issued full paid and non-assessible. 

The affairs of the company are under the management of not less than five nor more 
than nine trustees, who are to be elected annually by the stockholders at their meetings to be 
held on the first Monday in November in each year. 

The business of the company, as provided by its charter, is to be carried on in the State of 
Colorado, with its principal office in the city of Denver and a branch office in the city of New 
York in the State of New York, where the meetings of the stockholders and board of trustees 
may be held, and where the books of the company may be kept, and its financial affairs con- 


404 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


ducted. There may also be established by direction of the board of trustees, if they shall 
deem it expedient for the interests of the company, branch offices in the cities of Chicago and 
Baltimore, where certificates of stock may be transferred, and any necessary business of the 
company transacted. 

This company owns one of the largest stock ranges in the State of Colorado. It lies 
between the Huerfano and Apishipa Rivers in Southern Colorado, and comprises over four 
hundred thousand acres. The river frontage is more than one hundred miles; the central 
portion of the range being interspersed with living springs and lakes. 

The company derives its title to four hundred thousand acres from the grantees of the 
Las Animas Grant, a grant made December 9, 1843, by Manuel Armiso, Governor of Mex- 


BIGI.ER MAKING A SPEECH. 


ico, to Cornelio Vigil and Ceran St. Vrain, which grant was fully ratified under and by the 
treaty of Gaudaloupe Hidalgo, in 1S4S, between the United States and Mexico, The entire 
grant amounted to about four million acres of the finest grazing land in the world. 

The company also owns fourteen thousand acres under government patent and pre- 
emption, which controls vast water privileges. The lakes upon this land are inexhaustible 
and never become frozen to any extent during the winter months. These lakes flow into 
deep, grassy canyons, which average five hundred feet in width and have natural sandstone 
walls thirty to fifty feet high, affording an absolute shelter to stock. 

This range has a very heavy growth of grass, blue joint, buffalo and gramma, and is 
ample for the support of at least forty thousand head of cattle. It has all the necessary im- 
provements, such as corrals, buildings, branding pens, water tanks, etc. It has a good, sub- 



EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


405 


stantial fence — cedar posts and barbed wire, forty miles in length, connecting with the head 
of Apishipa canyon on the north, and Spring canyon on the south, and inclosing with the deep 
canyons, about two hundred thousand acres. Waterways are cut, at intervals, down the 
banks of the canyons and Apishipa River, on the side next to the inclosure. Alfalfa fields 
are grown at different points upon the range, one field of two thousand acres, closely fenced, 
now yielding not less than three tons per acre. Groves of cedar and pinon, under which is 
a heavy growth of grass, are scattered over this vast range, and afford shelter from the sum- 
mer sun and the winter winds. 

The St. Vrain Land and Irrigation Company is constructing a sixty-foot canal across 
this range, which will afford at all seasons an abundant supply of pure mountain water. The 
bank of the canal next to the range will be left open to the company’s cattle under an ar- 
rangement made with the said St. Train Company. The company will also be able to irri- 
gate from this ditch or canal a large amount of its land, which can then be cultivated to 
great advantage and benefit. 

The following is a correct statement of the property now owned by the Colorado Cattle 
Company, together with the cost of the same: 

STATEMENT. 

400.000 acres of grazing land, part of the Las Animas Grant, at 

25 cents $100,000 

14.000 acres Government Patent and Pre-emption, together with 

cost of implements, improvements, fences, water rights, etc. . 69,000 

4,480 cows, 3 years old and over, improved; 200 bulls, Short- 
horn, a few bloods ; 938 steers, mixed, 3 years and over; 


523 heifers, yearlings, 2 years old Spring ’87 196,080 

67 horses, not including 17 colts 4,200 

Total cost to date $369,280 


RECEIPTS. 


From sale of 8,750 shares of stock at $100 $ 375 *°°° 

From sale of 978 steers and 112 fat N. C. cows, net 44,410 

Total receipts $ 4 I 9 > 4 10 


DISBURSEMENTS. 

Commissions, added to cost of cattle, expenses paid in full to 


Nov. 1, ’86 $ 6,385 

Range 169,000 

Cattle 196,080 

Horses 4,200 

Total disbursements $375*665 


Balance $ 43,745 


CAPITAL. 

Total number shares, io,ooo, par value, $too $1,000, coo 

Number shares sold, 3,750 f° r 375 , 000 

Remaining in treasury, 6,250, value $ 625,000 

Cash in treasury 43,745 

Capital stock and cash on hand $ 668,745 


406 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


TAXES. 

There are no taxes levied upon the Mexican grant land. The tax on Government pat- 
ents is merely nominal. Very light on cattle, average about 25 cents per head. The tax for 
this year will be payable January 1st, to May 1st, 1887. 

CATTLE. 


Cows, 3 years old and over, improved .4,347 

Bulls, mostly Short-horn, a few high bred 200 

Calves, 1S86 crop, heifers improved 2,213 

i8S6crop steers, improved 1,874 

Heifers 2 years old in Spring 1S87, grade 523 


Total number owned by Company January 1, 1887 9,157 

January /, i88j. 


It needs no comments to show the hypocrisy of this swindling 
scheme, as it carries on the face of it, the same as hundreds of other 
similar schemes, hypocrisy. 

After breakfast I went over to the bank to find what they wanted 
me to hurry home for. Mr. Brown took me into his private office, 
and showed me a note for $1,000, signed by me, and said, “Mr. 
Morgan, did you sign that note ?” 

I said, “No, I never signed a note in my life.” 

“ Well,” said he, “ I didn’t believe you did. Will you please write 
your name on this piece of paper, so I can compare it?” I did so 
and when he compared it he said, “ 1 am now fully satisfied that it is a 
forgery, and think there will be no trouble whatever in satisfying 
the court of that fact.” Then he went on and told me how George 
Waddles had been sued by twenty different farmers for various 
amounts they proved in court he had swindled them out of, and how 
he had got his criminal case and all the other cases continued to the 
next term of court ; how he had come to them and turned in several 
notes (this among the rest), and mortgage on his farm, as collateral 
security for money they loaned him for the purpose of settling these 
cases of the farmers, and not let them come to trial ; and how they 
had gone on his bail, so he could be let out of jail ; how he had 
skipped to parts unknown since then, and how they would be heavy 
losers, if the notes was all forged, which they feared was the case. 
He said they had found out he had not paid any of these claims, 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


407 


but had taken all the money they had loaned him, and, said he, We 
want to know what to do before court meets. We have every con- 
fidence in you, and for your sake as well as ours, we felt that you 
must be here before the time court was called.” 

I was dumbfounded, for, although 1 was satisfied he was a big 
hypocrite, I didn’t think he was such an awful big rascal. They 
have got a detective on his track, and they may catch him. I had 
just left the bank, when I met Tom Conners, the lawyer that I helped 
elect to the Legislature. Said he, “ Mr. Morgan, I am glad to see 
you back again. I would like to see you in my office a minute.” I 
went with him. Said he, “ I have just received a letter from San 
Francisco ; I’ll read it to you.” He read as follows, to-wit : 

San Francisco, Cal., Jan. 25, 18S7. 

Mr. Thomas Conners: 

Dear Sir — Inclosed you will find a note for $2,000, given me by one Benjamin Morgan, 
of your place. Will you proceed to collect the same, and forward the amount, less your fees, 
to me as soon as collected ? Very respectfully yours, 

Charles Skipem. 

The following, to-wit, was the note : 

San Francisco, Cal., Dec. 24, 1886. 

For the sum of ($2,000) two thousand dollars, received of the firm of Ketchem, Holdem 
& Skinem, by the hand of their agent, Chas. Skipem, for expenses while in California, the 
receipt of which I hereby acknowledge, I promise to pay two thousand dollars and interest 
at the rate of ten per cent, per annum, on demand. 

Benjamin Morgan. 

“ Now, Mr. Morgan, is that correct?” 

I was never so surprised in my whole life, and in my excitement 1 
come mighty nigh swearing, when 1 stood right up like one of them 
big trees, and said, “ It’s a goll-dumb lie. I never borrowed a cent 
from ’em, but the goll-dumb hypocrites owe me more n two hun- 
dred dollars now, and, by thunder, I’ll have every goll-dumb one of 
’em put in prison, if I can.” 

“ Hold on a minute, Mr. Morgan ; look at the signature and tell 
me whether or not you wrote it yourself?” 

f looked at it closely, and said I thought I did, for it looked like 


408 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


my writing. Just then I thought of the receipt I signed for the two 

# 

hundred dollars. I also remembered signing it in a hurry, and not 
reading it over carefully, and I related the whole circumstance of our 
visit to the office of Dodgem, Skipem & Oppenheimer, and said I, 
“ Clarissa was with me every minute I was in that city. I didn’t go 
anywhere without her, and she paid close attention to everything 
that was done in that office, and I’ll go right over to Eb’s and bring 
her over here, and you ask her all about it.” 

“ Very well, Mr. Morgan,” he said. I went across the street 
and up to Eb’s store on a run, and took Clarissa back with me in 
less than live minutes. She told Mr. Conners everything connected 
vvith it, just as I had. 

Said Mr. Conners, “ You will swear to this, will you ?” 

“ Yes,” she replied. 

“ You’ll swear to this, will you, Mr. Morgan?” said he. 

“ Well,” said I, “ although it’s agin my principles to swear, but 
on this occasion I’ll swear a blue streak” and I commenced with 
geewhilliker dam — when Conners said, “ Uncle Ben, hold on! hold 
on! That haint what I mean.” (I did know what he meant, but I 
felt just like swearing, and 1 wanted to swear.) “ I know you so well, 
and everybody knows you so well, that if you say a thing is so, I 
believe it, and now what you say is fully corroborated by your wife’s 
statement. 1 see that it is a scheme to swindle you. They have 
converted the receipt you gave ’em for two hundred dollars into a 
note for $2,000. You needn’t give yourself a particle of uneas- 
iness about it, but just leave it to me and I’ll see them inside of a 
penitentiary, and if they are worth it, you’ll get all the money back 
on their advertised agreement that you have paid out. Had it not 
been that your wife was present, and is a witness that can beat ’em 
in any court in the United States, you might be caused a great deal 
of trouble, but she will save you from any trouble in the case.” 

I again felt she was my garden angel, and every day she be- 
comes more gardener to me, and I feel every day the value of a good 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


409 


wife. God bless the wives ! for they prove a blessing to many a 
poor man. 

As we was riding home with Abe and the old mare, and just 
as we was passing old Smugginses house, Sarah run out to the gate 
to speak to us. She was dressed up in her best, and she tried to 
look sweet. After talking with her a few minutes, we drove on. 
Clarissa said, “ Well, Benjamin, I’m glad to get home again, and I 



SARAH SMUGGINS. 


shall be contented to stay here the remainder of my days, for, after 
seeing so much ol the world, so much grandeur, and style in high life 
in the large cities and centers of business and fashion, the old home, 
with its plain and unpretentious air, surrounded by the old orchard, 
and withal so quiet, seems like a paradise, and I can join the poet in 
his description of 


4io 


SHAMS; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


THE OLD-FASHIONED HOME. 

“Of ail the tender and comfortable things 
That now and then sweet memory brings. 

There’s nothing dearer that love recalls 

Than the old-fashioned house with its whitewashed walls. 

“Not a mansion to-day, though a marvel of art 
Can ever usurp its place in my heart, 

For there my earliest prayers were said, 

And I slept at night in a trundle bed. 

“ ’Neath coverlids reaching from feet to chin, 

By a mother’s hand tucked gently in, 

And a good-night kiss on my tired brow — 

Oh, earth holds no such blessings now. 

“ A garden was fragrant in flower-beds, 

Where marigolds lifted their velvet heads, 

And warmed by sunshine, refreshed by dew, 

The bachelor-button and touch-me-not grew. 

“In a river that curved like a shepherd’s crook 
We fished for minnows with a bent pin-hook, 

Or with little bare feet oft waded through, 

And bravely ‘ paddled our own canoe.’ 

“ ’Twas a home of welcome, no one could doubt, 

Whose latchstring hung inevitably out, 

And many a stranger supped at its board, 

While blazing logs in the chimney roared. 

“ Oh, this is an age of reform and change ! 

And things aesthetic, modern and strange — 

Improvements that savor of silver and gold 
Are superseding the cherished and old. 

“ But I turn from palaces built for show ! 

With mansard roof and stories below ; 

Of frescoed, kalsomined, dadoed halls, 

To the old-fashioned house with its whitewashed walls.” 

Again we are seated in our own big square room, well-lighted 
by the hanging lamp. Abe is snoring on the lounge ; the old dog 
is stretched out in the corner behind the stove, and the cat is curled 
up on the rug under the stove-hearth, purring her evening song to 
feline notes, and everything is peaceful and quiet. Clarissa says, in 


EXPERIENCE WITH HYPOCRITES. 


41 I 

her old-fashioned way, “ Benjamin, it seems just as though we had 
left a heaven, and taken a trip through the noisy world below, where 
hypocrisy seems to be superior to plain, simple honesty, and re- 
turned again to heaven ; it is so quiet here.” 

“ That is just the way it strikes me; but we had a good time, 
after all, and learned an awful sight of human nature, a knowledge of 
which we did not possess to any great degree before we went.” 

“ Well,” said she, “ that is so ; but, after all, human nature is hu- 
man nature the world over, whether on the quiet New York farm, or 
in the bus} 7 cities; whether digging potatoes in Blank County, or dig- 
ging gold and silver in the old Rockies ; whether attending meeting in 
the Corners’ schoolhouse, clad in plain calico, or sitting in cushioned 
chairs in the great halls and churches in the city, dressed in silks and 
ornamented with diamonds and bits of sparkling glass; whether in 
our lyceums at the schoolhouse, or in the great dramas on the stage 
of the cities’ splendid theaters — the feelings and passions of the hu- 
man heart are alike manifested in daily life. The unscrupulous are 
continually inventing new schemes to cover up their real natures 
and keep the public from understanding their true characters, while 
the careless drift into channels of deception, and in time become 
stereotyped into the habit of presenting a false self. A few — and 
what a GLORIOUS few ! — are honest by birth, by training and edu- 
cation, and how they tower above the hypocrites that surround 
them ! How Mr. So-and-so, in this village and that, in this city and 
that, on this farm and in that manufactory, occupying this pulpit 
and sitting on that judicial bench — stands out prominently, and is 
admired by all, from the simple fact that his word is as good as his 
note ; that in every act of his life he is frank , truthful and honest. 
The Almighty seems to be his guide and governor. It matters not 
if his education is deficient, or he lacks the polish that rules of so- 
ciety require for a gentleman. Though he be a diamond in the rough, 
still he is a gem of greatest value to the world. The polish that 
education and contact with the world will add, will cause him to 


412 


SHAMS ; OR, UNCLE BEN’S 


sparkle and appear more brilliant, but it is not the education nor 
polish that gives him value, or singles him out from his fellows, but 
because his heart and head are right and true all the way through, 
but he has got to have that trait born in him.” 

Clarissa got into one of her regular talking spells, and I said to 
her, in a sort of mellow tone, a little on the dulcet stop, “ Clarissa; 
now, do — please do.” 

“ Please do what?” she replied. 

“ Please let up — please shut down a little.” 

“What do you mean, Benjamin?” she asked. 

“ I mean to say that this is my first book, and you wondered 
who’d ‘ be fool enough to read it.’ Now, if you don’t let up on this 
continual philosophizing, and telling what you think, it will kill it, 
and if ever I should write another, 1 couldn't hire a fool to read it. 
Now, let’s sing the doxology to close your remarks, and let me just 
tell the dear people, and men and women in general, in closing 
this volume, what I think. I think that MAN is, after all, partly a 
product of climate and soil. It is not true that man is the crowning 
glory of God’s creation, for it depends upon where he is located, 
and his surroundings, as to the position he occupies in the scale of 
Glory — in Creation. You go into parts of Africa, where the palm 
and bread fruit tree flourish, and man sinks to the level of other 
brutes that feed upon the bread fruit and sleep under the shade of 
the palm. There , these trees are the crowning Glory of Creation. 
Certain impulses lead man in certain directions. Surroundings, cli- 
matic and scenic, have very much to do in establishing his tastes and 
inclinations, while his social surroundings direct his mental habit. 
Education — broad, liberal and thorough — causes the mental to rise 
in power above the animal, while idleness and neglect give the ani- 
mal supremacy over the mental. Neglected fields return the farmer 
naught but weeds, while cultivation brings him rich grains and 
grassy meads. So, with the heart , the bond of man’s mental and 
animal dispositions, if rightly directed, yields the results of Honesty 
— if wrongly, Hypocrisy.” 

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